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Tony Abbott; A Time to Spill

Tony Abbott; A Time to Spill

Friday 28 August, 2015
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Julie Bishop’s office when Joe and Malcolm popped in for a confidential chat about Tony. Here is Guy’s exclusive account of their discussion.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

“Things aren’t all that flash” said Joe

“There’s only so long” said Malcolm “that we can suffer the ignominy of Tony ranking below Bill in preferred prime minister polling”

“That’s the equivalent” said Julie “of ranking below Kevin on Julia’s shitlist

“We have to acknowledge” said Joe “that Tony was an outstanding opposition leader”

“The trouble is” said Malcolm “he seems hellbent on regaining the job at the next election”

“It’s vital to determine” interposed Julie “whether good government has actually started yet and whether it could ever happen under Tony”

“Expecting good government to happen under him” said Malcolm “is like expecting Bronnie to retire and take up knitting”

“Well I think we should stick with Tony” said Joe “now that he’s promised not to make any more captain’s picks and he’s united the party in gay marriage”

“We certainly don’t want to get into the same leadership mess as Labor” said Julie “Now they’ve suffered Bill for a couple of years they’ve probably realised to their horror that Julia was as good as it’s ever going to get”

“Let’s be absolutely clear” said Malcolm “if we lose the seat of Canning in the up-coming by-election Tony would be spilt milk that no-one’s going to cry over.

And the difference between us and the Labor Party is that we have an outstanding candidate for PM ready to take over”

“I take it” said Joe “that you’re referring to Julie, Scott or me”

“I am of course referring to a man” said Malcolm “who but for a trifling misunderstanding about Kevin’s ute would already have led Australia to world leadership in gay marriage and emissions trading”

“Get real Malcolm” said Joe “the only difference between you and Kevin is that you haven’t got pink batts in your belfry”

“It’s undeniable” said Julie “that following the Bronnie and gay marriage debacles there are rumblings on the backbench which can’t all be attributed to the artichoke soup they’re serving in the Parliament House restaurant. The chances are if we get canned at Canning Tony will as well”

“In that case” asked Joe “what are the chances of him stepping down voluntarily?”

“About the same” replied Malcolm “as him going on a dirty weekend with Gillian Triggs. When the spill is called I expect you two and Scott to step aside and allow me to be elected unopposed”

“There’s as much chance of that happening” said Joe “as the CFMEU opening an Ethics Centre”

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About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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