Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Trainee PM Performance Review

Trainee PM Performance Review

Friday 29 April, 2016
Ged and Dave do a review of Bill’s performance as Labor leader and brief him on the improvements needed to justify his future tenure of the role.
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The ACTU Our Brother Bills Keeper heading

“Hooray” cried Bill “Malcolm’s going to call an election for 2 nd May and I’m going to be PM”

“Let’s not get too carried away” cautioned Ged “we are yet to decide whether you are the best choice to lead the Party into the election”

“What do you mean” said Bill “I’m on a roll since I announced the bank-bashing policy”

“Our members were very disappointed with your announcement” said Dave “they were expecting you to follow through on the suggestion from the CFMEU that the banking industry should be overseen by a union watch-dog”

“But my Royal Commission” said Bill “would give unions the opportunity to avenge themselves against Abbott’s Royal Commission by appointing commissioners who accept invitations to speak at Labor Party fundraisers”

“Look Bill” said Ged sternly “if you expect us to spend millions on getting you elected as PM you’ve got to raise your game. We’re not prepared to be dudded like Clive was by Jacqui and the Brick with Eyes. Our faceless men are ropable about your approval rating and it’s been taking me all my time to prevent them doing a Kevin number on you”

“I’m absolutely confident” said Bill confidently “that given the current trend in my approval rating it will be above Malcolm’s by 2025”

“That’s too bloody late” said Dave “if you’re going to win the next election you need to get in the forties by July”

“I’m doing absolutely everything I can” explained Bill “I’m announcing great new policies, I’ve already starting criticising the budget a month in advance and I’m exposing Malcolm as a hollow man who’s full of bullshit”

“Look I don’t really know how to say this” said Ged “but your fundamental problem is that you’re as boring as batshit. You generate about as much excitement as Peter Dutton in a coma”

“But I used to be the most charismatic pain-in- the-arse persona the AWU has ever had as leader” protested Bill

“That’s like claiming you were the greatest lover in a retirement home” observed Dave

“That’s it” cried Ged “we’ve got to add colour to your character by promoting you as a great lover”

“But wouldn’t people start confusing me with Bob Hawke?” asked Bill

“That would be a huge step forward” said Ged “because they’re currently confusing you with the guy on the ABC who does the weather forecasts”


About this Series
This series reveals the nature of the special relationship between the ACTU and Bill and in the event of him becoming Prime Minister how much power they’d be prepared to delegate to him.

View all articles in the The ACTU Our Brother Bills Keeper Series
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