Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Treating Hillary Democratically

Treating Hillary Democratically

Friday 12 June, 2015
Obama is keen for Kerryman to run for President because he realises that if Hillary lands the gig on a wave of public adulation his presidential legacy will last about as long as a peace treaty in Ukraine.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“I see there’s a couple of Democrats” said Biden “who are running against Hillary for the nomination”

“That’s good” said Obama “at least it will reassure people that she isn’t simply inheriting the presidency from a family trust”

“The trouble is both Sanders and O’Malley are light-weights” said Biden “what she really needs is a tough sonofabitch capable of taking her into extra innings”

“Is Kerryman thinking of running?” asked Obama

“I don’t think so” said Biden ‘he’s really in the same boat as me, although my problem is showboating and his is swift-boating”

“The trouble with you Joe” said Obama “is that you’re too familiar. All your faults have been in the public spotlight the years. But Kerryman spends most of his time out of the country and people tend to forget what an absolute klutz he really is”

“You’re not serious about him running again are you?” asked Biden “I mean he couldn’t even beat George W Bush”

“I am worried that if Hillary wins the Democratic nomination too easily” said Obama “we’ll all be instant history. And we can’t rely on any of the Republican rabble to give her much of a run. Let’s call Kerryman in for a chat”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was in hospital in Switzerland with a broken leg. It was such a serious injury that he was having to spend more time getting it treated than having his hair cut.

He finally hobbled into the White House a week or so later.

“Now then Kerryman” said Obama “I’m intrigued to know whether you’re going to declare yourself a candidate for the Democratic nomination”

“Well I was thinking about it” said Kerryman “but most people told me it would be a waste of time”

“I know” said Biden “I was one of them”

“But what you guys have to consider” said Obama “is that if Hillary wins the presidency in a canter she’ll consign both of you to the Democratic dustbin of detritus. You’d be lucky to get the gig as Bill’s appointments secretary”

“Look” said Kerryman “I appreciate your support. It’s true that I’d make a much better President than Hillary just like I’ve made a much better Secretary of State. Her only real experience of dealing with major conflict is being married to Bill”

“If you decide to run” said Obama “I’ll supply a campaign bus which comprises a state-of-the-art hairdressing salon”

“I’m very tempted” said Kerryman “but I’d also need access to the Hillary Dirt

File you developed when you campaigned against her”

“Sorry” said Obama “but I got an offer for that from the Republican Party which I couldn’t possibly refuse”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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