The Trouble With Tony (and Bill)
Luce and Mal discuss extreme measures to address the opposition from Tony, Bill and almost everyone else.
“You know Luce” confided Malcolm over a late-night cocoa and brandy chaser “it hasn’t been a great week”
“I’m only too well aware of that” I asserted “I’m at a total loss to understand how you can possibly be rissoled for a decision made by the Fair Work Commission, an independent umpire established by the Labor Party and strongly endorsed by thatslimebag Shorten”
“Well the truth is” explained Malcolm “my credibility has crashed to the point where people are disposed to believe a sycophantic parasite like Shorten and an extraordinary arsehole like Abbott before me”
“I believe it’s beyond all understanding” I reasoned “that people in your party can still take Abbott seriously. He’s banging on about repealing 18C despite the fact he whimped out when he had the chance and now he’s having the gall to shitcan your economic narrative when his was about as clear as the communications from Clive Palmer’s nephew”
“I just have to face the fact” said Malcolmresignedly “that Tony is a terrible loser, has no shame whatsoever about gonging Prince Philip and won’t rest until he sees me collecting the Australia Day award for former Prime Ministers”
“Tony is never content” I reassured him “unless he’s leading an opposition. He was brilliant at opposing Julia but was hopeless as Prime Minister at opposing Bill. Now he’s revelling in the challenge of opposing you even more effectively than you opposed him”
“The time has come” announced Malcolm “for me to go boldly on the offensive and announce measures like an ETS, a parliamentary vote on gay marriage and another referendum on the republic”
“That would only work” I cautioned him “if you were vying for leadership of the Labor Party. If you’re interested in pursuing leadership of the Coalition and staying here in the Lodge a somewhat more nuanced approach would be more appropriate”
“What did you have in mind?” queried Malcolm
I was fully aware that what I was about to say could change the political destiny not only of Malcolm but also Tony, Bill and all their seriously deluded supporters.
“The time has come” I declared “to denounce Shorten as potentially a crippling penalty rate on business not just at weekends but 24/7”
“And what about Abbott?” asked Malcolm
“You should anoint him as opposition leader in waiting” I advised “to take over after you’ve been booted out of government while at the same time revealing that a surfeit of budgie smuggling has resulted in him losing the balls ever to become PM”