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Loud Reports from Tori Banger

Turning The UK Inside Out

Turning The UK Inside Out

Friday 24 June, 2016
Tori Banger, the UK’s most seductive political correspondent, reports that in the quest to determine whether it should Remain or Leave the UK is turning itself upside down to try and resolve the ins and outs.
The story starts here...


Pillow slips

Tori Banger, UK political correspondent

By the time you read this the UK will have decided whether to suffer a financial apocalypse but on the other hand avoid drowning in a flood of refugees by climbing aboard the Brexit Ark with Boris and Nigel.

I must say that having recently slept with politicians on both sides of the argument I’m more comfortable with the position of the Remain campaign but the Leave campaign is infinitely more stimulating.

I don’t think anyone in their wildest dreams could believe that Boris and Nigel are capable of leading the UK to a brave new world but there is a feeling it could be preferable to the place that Brussels seems to have in mind for us.

If the polls lean heavily towards Leave in the coming days I’m expecting David to man the barricades at Dover and turn back anyone who looks remotely like a terrorist or a Russian football hooligan. That would demonstrate a certain resolve and ensure that at future England home games their supporters would be free to fight amongst themselves.

In my judgement it would be unlikely that the Scots would want to quit the UK if it votes to Brexit. They would realise they’d simply become another manifestation of the sort culturally inappropriate EU refugees that Boris and Nigel are determined to keep out.

I expect that in the final days of the campaign Boris will be offering refugees free continental tours on his bus given its propensity to break down in far-away places with unfailing regularity.

There seems a distinct possibility that if the UK votes to Leave David would follow suit from Number 10 and the Conservative and Labour parties would be dissolved and re-formed into the Remain and Leave parties.

I look forward to happier times beyond the Referendum when politicians can get back into the old routine and start enjoying politics and sex again.

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About this Series
This legendary UK correspondent has seduced her way into the bedrooms of political power. Her pillow peccadillos have given her a unique perspective on the affairs of state. Politicians find difficulty in concealing even their most private secrets from her because she features in most of them.

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