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Abbott into Abbattman

Turning up the Political Temperature

Turning up the Political Temperature

Friday 21 August, 2015
Abbattman goes on a crucial mission to advise the new Speaker Tony Sniff on keeping Bronnie’s legacy alive.
The story starts here...

Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was just about to send Bronnie a book on retirement planning when the Abbattphone rang.

“Abbattoperations has just posted a top priority mission” said Johnnie who was on duty as Operations Director at Abbattapad HQ “The new Speaker Tony Sniff made some disturbing comments upon assuming office. He promised to be more even-handed in the job than Bronnie and even claimed to have Friends on the Labor side. Your mission is to guide Sniff down the path of record Labor expulsions as trailblazed so successfully by Bronnie”

Tony immediately seized upon very essence of the mission. If he couldn’t count on Sniff to despatch recalcitrant Labor MPs as regularly as Bronnie they would feel free again to excoriate him with impunity and good government would have to be postponed yet again.

He immediately conceived a daringly disruptive strategy and its brilliance was confirmed during subsequent in-depth deliberations with the Abbattintelligence tactical think tank.

Once he was suited up in the Abbattgear Tony revved the Abbattbike, co-ordinated with Johnnie’s mission countdown then sped off to Parliament House emitting a carefree cloud of carbon.

Sniff’s office door was bearing a “Conference in Progress” sign but it proved no match for the Abbattbike in progress.

Sniff instantly recognised the tell-tale signs of an Abbattman visit like his office door resting on his desk.

“Why hi Abbattman”said Sniff “great to see you. I’m just bumming up on Bronnie’s briefing notes”

“I have come” announced Abbattman “to help you sustain Bronnie’s bountiful legacy of bouncing Labor members”

“Well that’s extremely considerate of you” said Sniff “but I was thinking of making a few changes”

“Don’t tell me” said Abbattman “you’re thinking of reducing Bronnie’s exemplary rate of Labor lockouts”

“Well yes that had crossed my mind” said Sniff “I was considering a more conciliatory approach”

“That would be a disaster” exclaimed Abbattman “because there’s nothing to be gained from being fair to feral Labor fanatics. Your only hope of making the parliament work efficiently is ensuring as few of them as possible are in it”

“But I’ve got mates on the Labor side” protested Sniff

“Well boot them out less often than the others” suggested Abbattman “Now here’s my plan to help. I’ll arrange for the heating on the Labor side of the House to be turned up sufficiently to render them hot under the collar and sufficiently sniffy to justify suspensions for not meeting parliamentary hygiene standards”

“That’s interesting” said Sniff “but couldn’t I be judged to be acting unfairly?”

“Of course not” replied Abbattman “you’d simply be taking responsible action against the unfortunate effects of global warming’


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

View all articles in the Abbott into Abbattman Series
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