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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

Tweaking the Leaking

Tweaking the Leaking

Friday 12 June, 2015
In this leak about leaks Tony Abbott explains why a controlled programme of cabinet leaking is the sign of a united party.
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Leaks from Tonys Journal

There’s nothing like a few finely tuned cabinet leaks to reawaken people’s interest in politics.

Things were beginning to drift after the budget so I determined that we needed to refocus on key issues through an outbreak of judicious leaking. The interest it has generated has been extremely gratifying.

Scarcely anyone turned up in Parliament to listen to Bill Shorten rabbiting on about gay marriage, Joe’s post-budget speeches have been about as enthralling as an ABC weather forecast so it was obviously time to seize back the agenda by concentrating on issues that really galvanise both the public and the media like the question of whether I’m leading a dysfunctional and divided government.

With a cabinet that comprises ministers like Malcolm, Barnaby and Joe dysfunction and division are integral to our consummate style of government.

For a start they all believe they should be prime minister instead of me and that’s only natural because so does most of the public.

The fact is the cabinet benefits from a very sophisticated official leaking programme.

First of all, and this is absolutely critical, all official cabinet leaks must have unanimous cabinet approval because otherwise they could be controversial and cause the wrong sort of dysfunction and division.

Secondly official government leaks must be made in absolute secrecy and they are only directed to those media outlets that understand their role in the democratic process. This does not include the ABC who picks them up second-hand and then immediately interviews anybody in Labor or the Greens prepared to claim they are symptoms of a dysfunctional and divided government without comprehending that’s a good sign.

People can get excited by leaks because they’re under the illusion they emanate from rats in the party seeking to trash their colleagues. Nothing of course could be further from the truth with the possible exception of some of Malcolm’s unofficial leaks insinuating he’d be a better prime minister than me.

Leaks command such attention that I can foresee the day when most of the critical government communications will be distributed that way. This would offer the added benefit that if they caused outrage I could deny all knowledge.

So the next time you see in the media that I’m erratic prime minister running a dysfunctional and divided cabinet you will know that not only am I succeeding in running an orderly government but I’m also doing my bit to prevent politics becoming intolerably boring.


About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

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