Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Under the Pump to Dump Trump

Under the Pump to Dump Trump

Friday 20 May, 2016
Kerryman comes up with some inspirational ideas to dump Trump but Obama is worried they might provoke someone to pillory Hillary.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“It’s a huge worry” said Obama “that the latest polls show Trump is gaining on Hillary in the race to succeed me”

“I’m more worried about Bernie” said Biden “if he beats Hillary that’s the end of all the donations our Party receives from Wall St”

“If Bernie becomes President” asserted Obama “Wall St will suffer the same fate as the Berlin Wall”

“If Bernie looks like getting the nomination” exclaimed Biden “I plan to have a letter published in the Washington Post purporting to come from Putin and describing how excited he is at the prospect of Trotskyist in the White House”

“Trump’s a more dangerous proposition” warned Obama “and the rest of the world would be appalled if he became President”

“Then perhaps the rest of the world” said Biden thoughtfully “would be prepared to help us get rid of him”

“Good thinking” observed Obama “because if Trump became President they’d suffer just as much as us. Let’s get Kerryman in here because believe it or not he’s supposed to be our expert on the rest of the world”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was in talks to persuade all those who had agreed to a ceasefire in Syria to cease firing. The Russians had been getting in his hair again and could only be located after a short back and sides.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama on greeting him in the Oval office

“Trump’s becoming a threat not just to America but the whole world. Can you think of anything the world could do to stop him because he’s probably too much for Hillary”

“The danger is” explained Kerryman “if we don’t nobble him soon the Russians could start giving him the same level of protection as Assad”

“Well come on” exhorted Obama “let’s have some ideas. That’s why I pay you the big bucks”

“How about” suggested Kerryman “we arrange for NASA to invite him to Cape Canaveral to inspect the latest space vehicle and when he gets in they arrange for it to take off”

“That’s interesting” said Obama thoughtfully “but he might attract a sympathy vote and be the first President to run the country from outer space”

“I’ve got it” announced Kerryman “we could arrange for one of the drones deployed against IS to malfunction and travel over here to take out Trump”

“I was hoping for something rather less terminal” said Obama

“I’ve really got it this time” claimed Kerryman in triumph “we could arrange for a further Panama Papers leak which names Trump as the master-mind behind the scams in the British Virgin Islands”

“No-one’s going to buy that” said Obama decisively “if Trump had been there they would have been renamed the British Islands”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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