Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

United Notions About Kevin

United Notions About Kevin

Friday 9 September, 2016
This week Friday Mash’s celebrated team of international correspondents tackle the issue that Malcolm doesn’t seem to giveashit about “Should Kevin be the next Secretary General of the UN?”
The story starts here...


Addressing the Critical

Whogivesashit Issues of Our Time



Tori Banger UK
– The UK faces a most uncertain future with the near certainty of open conflict with the EU over Brexit. There’s considerable doubt at Westminster about whether an ex-prime minister of a penal colony which has long been our implacable foe at Lords, the Melbourne Cricket Ground and Twickenham should be trusted with the responsibility of protecting us from a catatonic continental catastrophe by sending in peace-keeping forces which could prevent an embarrassing loss to France and Germany possibly by as much as an innings.

Dick Head Canberra – Kevin has a knack of really pissing people off by treating them with utter contempt and disdain. There have been times when even people of mild disposition like Julia and myself have been tempted to throttle him. It’s difficult to see how his modus operandi could be reconciled with the UN Charter on Human Rights. Furthermore the UN comprises more faceless men than virtually any other organisation in the world so it would be almost impossible for Kevin to last there for more than three weeks.

P E Doff New York – The UN is based in New York and funded by the US so it’s difficult for me to understand why the head guy shouldn’t be an American. It’s been run of late by some Asian who seems far too harmless to make much of an impression and the last sort of guy we need to succeed him is some asshole from the Antipodes whose main claim to international fame is that he tried to tackle global warming at the Copenhagen Climate Change Conference by having a meltdown.

A Hole Sydney – I’m convinced Kevin would make an ideal UN Secretary General and so does everyone else who believes the complex problems facing the world can be effectively addressed only through the inspired application of programmatic specificity.

Hugo Morthanigo EU – The next UN Secretary General should without question come from the EU, someone who can orchestrate a renaissance of European civilisation worldwide. The last thing the world needs is an Aussie like Rudd in the job who would be inclined to support the rival post-Brexit bid by the UK to rule the world through the global hegemony of Manchester United, Chelsea and Arsenal.

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