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Abbott into Abbattman

Unkind Cuts at the ABC

Unkind Cuts at the ABC

Friday 5 December, 2014
This is a compelling account of Abbattman’s mission to warn Mark Clott that if he continues to drive the organisation to the left he’ll be forced by Malcolm Turncoat to take some more shortcuts.
The story starts here...

Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was just scraping some barnacles off his bottom when the Abbattphone rang.

‘Abbattoperations has just posted an emergency priority one mission’ said Bronnie who was on duty at Abbattapad HQ. ‘Mark Clott is really stuffing the ABC. He’s cutting everything there except the abuse against you. Your mission is to convince him to use Malcolm’s budget downsizing as an opportunity to cut out the Greens, Tony Jones and Clive’

Tony instantly recognised the strategic relevance of this mission. The ABC represented a bigger threat to his government than the Labor Party and its chief executive was such a Clott that the thought giving Malcolm a few gigs on Q&A would deter him from cutting the money programme.

In concert with Abbattintelligence Tony conceived a brilliant Abbattaction plan while Abbattengineering was preparing the Abbattbike for a trip to Sydney. Once his Abbatt transmogrification was complete he awaited the completion of Bronnie‘s mission countdown then went like an Abbatt out of hell up the road to the ABC HQ in Ultimo.

When the Abbattbike speared through his office door Clott was astounded because he was several floors up.

‘What the hell do you think you’re doing’ said Clott ‘bursting in here like that?’

‘I can do what I like’ said Abbattman ‘because it’s my ABC’

‘You shouldn’t believe all that promotional stuff’ said Clott ‘because actually it’s my ABC’

‘I am here to warn you’ said Abbattman ‘that if you don’t cut your cloth according to your Turncoat and stop abusing Abbott you’ll suffer even more excruciatingly than Barnaby Joyce does on Q&A’

‘We’re the only media organisation that is fair and balanced about Abbott’ said Clott ‘and so we make sure Christine Milne, Clive Palmer, Bill Shorten, Jacqui Lambie and Sarah Hanson Young are given enough airtime to kick the shit out of him’

‘But you’re cutting regional broadcasts’ said Abbattman ‘rather than the crap about Abbott’

‘That’s only logical’ said Clott ‘because a majority of people in the regions support the Coalition’

‘Unless you agree to abrogate your anti-Abbott arseholing’ said Abbattman ‘I shall take steps to ensure you treat both sides of politics the same’

‘You don’t mean’ said Clott ‘you’ll force me to put Alan Jones in charge of programming’

‘On the contrary’ said Abbattman ‘it means you won’t be allowed to produce any political programmes whatsoever and you’ll be restricted to folk dancing, gardening and knitting channels’

‘But most of my staff would leave’ said Clott

‘That’s great then’ said Abbattman ‘it will save you having to make anyone redundant’


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

View all articles in the Abbott into Abbattman Series
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