Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

US and Us

Thursday 23 July, 2009
There are clear signs the US is in a mid-season slump what with money worries, the middle east, a young inexperienced president and Arnie threatening to terminate California
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There are clear signs the US is in a mid-season slump what with money worries, the middle east, a young inexperienced president and Arnie threatening to terminate California.

It’s time for their old mate Aussie to take on a coaching role and help them lift their game. The trouble is Americans are constantly being told by politicians and the media that they are the greatest people in the world living in the greatest country in the world and you can forget all the rest. Secure in that knowledge in their own backyard they are the most warm and generous of people. But when Americans arrive in godsown for the first time and discover to their utter astonishment that Australia is without doubt the world number one they immediately go into overseas shock syndrome. They become disorientated, wear loud clothes, try to buy the Opera House, proclaim loudly in restaurants they’ve had better service in Acron Ohio and get very upset when people don’t understand that the middle east is between Washington and Atlanta.

Overseas shock syndrome induces a complete character change. It is interesting that Americans never do waterboarding in their own country.

Sol Trujillo arrived in Australia convinced he was the greatest telecommunications chief executive in the world. After Kevin disabused him of that belief he successfully switched to gold mining. It all stemmed from a misunderstanding when he went to Kevin demanding to roll out the national broadband network and Kev offered to lend him his overalls, kneepads and hard hat.

In an unprecedented humanitarian gesture the Australian Government should urgently consider taking over Guantanamo Bay when it is vacated in January and converting it into an international re-orientation centre for American citizens. After a concentrated course there Americans like Sol would be able to stride confidently out into the world free from the risk of overseas shock syndrome. Those travelling to the middle east near Africa would receive schooling in the local vernacular like ‘fair suck of the Syrian sauce bottle’ and ‘would you like cous cous with that?’

The centre would place particular emphasis on choice of gear with warnings that any overseas wardrobe malfunctions like purple jeans plus an orange t-shirt with gold lettering which states ‘Americans are the world’s greatest lovers’ will attract severe sanctions both for bad taste and gross misrepresentation. Owing to a series of most unfortunate recent events Kevin is in no position to help the US car industry through his Ozcar fund. It is understood however that Detroit is keen to get Malcolm over there because Kevin has told them he’s got no future in politics but he’s a powerful hybrid.

If you were selecting a country to lead peace and nuclear negotiations in the middle east the US would almost certainly figure well down your list adjacent to Iran and North Korea. However that ranking would soar dramatically if they had Kevin on board as a part-time consultant. Imagine what a powerful put-down it would be in response to a vitriolic Ahmadinejad barb if Obama could say ‘I’ll get back to you on that after I’ve talked to Kevin’. Obama knows he would be far better off consulting Kevin than past US presidents because a nerd in the hand is worth two Bushes.

Australia should advise the US to stop messing around in international affairs and concentrate on the things they do best like fast food. If they had persisted in persuading Ahmadinejad to go on a diet of McDonalds, Pizza Hut and KFC instead of slagging him off all the time he would no longer have that lean and hungry look and have no appetite for nuclear weapons.

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