Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

US Power Shortage in the Middle East

US Power Shortage in the Middle East

Friday 30 October, 2015
Kerryman advises Obama that the main beneficiary of his foreign policy legacy will be Russia.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash
“Have you made a decision about running yet Joe?” asked Obama

“Yes” replied Biden “I’ve decided to give it a miss”

“Why?” asked Obama

“Because if I run against her” replied Biden “Hillary is threatening to reveal that I’ve been using my private email system to send classified erotic messages to a White House intern”

“Well did you?” asked Obama

“Yes” replied Biden “I told the stupid arsehole to go and get stuffed”

“Well that sort of thing seems to be working for Trump” said Obama “What’s happening in Syria?”

“I’d say it’s nothing like as big a train-wreck as the NSA” replied Biden “but definitely worse than Benghazi”

“That’s encouraging” said Obama “especially if it makes my nuclear deal with Iran look better by comparison. There’s still hope that my Middle East initiatives will be the jewel in the crown of my overall foreign policy legacy”

“The Republicans are determined that Hillary should get shit-canned for Benghazi” said Biden “and they’ve reserved the Syrian cesspool exclusively for you”

“I don’t want to rest upon my laurels however” said Obama “let’s get Kerryman in here to discuss future plans to put Syria in an even Assader state than it already is”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was involved in hair-raising discussions on the Israeli-Palestinian situation which made him look at least a foot taller. An intensive session on the trip back on the Hairoplane however succeeded in cutting him down to size.

“Ah there you are” said Obama when Kerryman finally turned up “now tell me what the hell’s going on in Syria?”

“Russia is bombing everybody except Assad” announced Kerryman

“How much damage is our own bombing doing?” asked Obama

“About as much as happens every night in the West Side of Chicago” replied Kerryman

“What do you see as the future for Syria?” asked Obama

“Within a year it will join Crimea and Eastern Ukraine in the Soviet bloc”

replied Kerryman “after Russia has bombed ISIL, Al Qaeda, Al Nusra, Al Gore and the rebels backed by us to the point where they think Assad could be a better alternative”

“Where would that leave us foreign policy-wise?” asked Obama

“It would mean that our only foreign policy success this year” replied Kerryman

“has been normalising relations with Cuba”

“How will this affect my Presidential legacy in the Middle East?” asked Obama

“It will confirm that where there isn’t a will” replied Kerryman “there isn’t a way or a legacy”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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