Vengeance Will Be Mine
Abbott was prowling around his secret bunker deep within the bowels of North Head at Manly.
Suddenly he switched on his on his video intercom connection with the Avenger Operations Centre in Canberra.
“Eric Abetz duty officer here” said the face on the screen
“Look Eric” said Abbott “I’m really getting ticked off with Turnbull. He kicked my prime ministerial arse but is still promoting all my policies”
“Well what do you expect” said Eric “he didn’t rissole you because of your policies he simply wanted your job”
“There’s no honour in politics anymore” declared Abbott “at least I dumped Malcolm to save the country from Kevin’s ETS and then I saved it from Julia’s carbon tax which if anything was even worse”
“I know it’s frustrating” said Eric soothingly “but for the time being you’ll just have to take your vengeance out on Bronnie by stuffingting her pre-selection”
“But Turnbull’s not doing anything” protested Abbott “When he did the dirty on me I was expecting him to declare a republic, approve gay marriage and introduce an ETS before I could wreak vengeance but he’s totally crapped out. Australia needs me back before Malcolm gives my policies a bad name”
“Let’s get things into perspective” said Eric sympathetically “nothing would bring me greater joy than your restoration to The Lodge but the reality is that at present the Australian public would sooner see a Wiggle there than you”
“It’s all so unfair” cried Abbott “because my policies like Operation Sovereign Borders and Free Trade Agreements are still pointing the way for Australia but Australia’s still pointing the way for me towards the exit”
“It’s too early to avenge yourself on Malcolm pre-election” said Eric thoughtfully “so it’s in your interest to ensure that he’s still prime minister after the election rather than the utter shithouse Shorten”
“Shorten’s got as much chance of being Prime Minister” opined Abbott “as Malcolm has of becoming the World’s Best Prime Minister. Even if I reduced Turnbull to a Turnbullock he’d still have the balls to beat Shorten”
“In order to make your comeback as PM” said Eric “and fulfil your destiny by declaring a surplus and restoring me to the cabinet you’re going to need a drastic change of image”
“But I don’t have the temperament” protested Abbott “to be progressive and politically correct”
“On second thoughts however” said Eric “perhaps your best plan is to ensure Malcolm gets beaten because given your track record you’d be a shoo-in to become Opposition Leader again”
Abbott is on the outer studying the Gospel according to Kevin on how to wreak vengeance upon a Prime Minister who has spilt you to the backbench. He lurks in the shadows with his disciples desperately trying to figure out how to seize back The Lodge despite the having a preferred Prime Minister ranking slightly below that of a CFMEU activist.