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Loud Reports from Tori Banger

What It’s Like to be British

What It’s Like to be British

Friday 17 June, 2016
Tori Banger, Friday Mash’s seductive UK correspondent, believes that the UK will Remain in bed with David rather Leave by eloping with Boris.
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Tori Banger, UK political correspondent

I was sleeping with a Tory MP only last week who told me that David’s pretty worried about the referendum.

He’s finding that counting refugees is not as reliable as sheep for sending you to sleep.

The last people you’d expect to help stop the flow of refugees is that half-arsed mob in Brussels. They’re obviously dead keen to send on to us as many as they possibly can before we Leave and build a wall along the East Coast.

What the EU needs to appreciate however is that if they’re at all keen for the UK to remain the much more effective short-term policy would be to initiate a refugee flow back to France. All that’s needed is a few hundred Leaving to start a flow back East instead of West and Nigel and Boris would be left with no alternative but to follow them.

I see David claimed that ‘remaining in the UK is the British thing to do’ when it seems blindingly obvious to Boris and Co. that the opposite is clearly the case.

Leaving the EU would be just about the most British thing that it’s possible to do and would undoubtedly command the unqualified support of the rest of the EU were it not for the fact that the UK is their second strongest economy.

The Remain campaign is concentrating on the prospect that Leaving the EU would have a disastrous effect on the UK economy comparable with the one on the Greek, Spanish, Irish and Portuguese economies caused by joining it.

Obviously only countries with awful economies want to join the EU. Any country with a decent economy can’t afford the risk.

So to summarise the main arguments the Remain campaign believe that future economic prosperity for the UK is only possible through EU membership while the Leave campaign asserts that Remaining will promote multiculturalism to the point where only people living on the Costa del Sol will still know what it’s like to be British.

At this point I sense that the Remain camp will prevail because a Boris prime ministership is seen as an even bigger threat than boatloads of refugees.

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About this Series
This legendary UK correspondent has seduced her way into the bedrooms of political power. Her pillow peccadillos have given her a unique perspective on the affairs of state. Politicians find difficulty in concealing even their most private secrets from her because she features in most of them.

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