Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Whogivesashit Issues: The World According To Trump

Whogivesashit Issues: The World According To Trump

Friday 28 October, 2016
This week Friday Mash’s renowned cadre of correspondents worldwide address what is arguably the most criticial whogivesashit issue of our time ‘What would be the most gut-wrenching impact if Trump became President?”   Hugo Morthanigo EU correspondent – With the possible exception of Russia the only civilisation capable of surviving a Trump Presidency would be […]
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This week Friday Mash’s renowned cadre of correspondents worldwide address what is arguably the most criticial whogivesashit issue of our time ‘What would be the most gut-wrenching impact if Trump became President?”

 

Hugo Morthanigo EU correspondent – With the possible exception of Russia the only civilisation capable of surviving a Trump Presidency would be Attila’s Huns so it’s a pity they’re not still around. Trump would convert the Middle East into an extension of the Sahara, the only takeaway for the Chinese would be McDonalds, Africa and South America would become refugee camps, SE Asia and Japan would become branches of Walmarts and Mexico would become the outlet for the US overflow. Incidentally for the purposes of this analysis I’m not rating the US under Trump to be a civilisation.

 

Tori Banger UK correspondent – A Trump Presidency would have a polarising effect on women worldwide. They would consolidate into two distinct groups, those who have been groped by Trump and those that haven’t. Experts are predicting that in order to prevent the groped group heavily outnumbering the non-groped there would be a market explosion in anti-grope gear. Fashion houses believe that the most popular styles would be those capable of delivering an electric shock severe enough to leave any groper with his fingers burned.

 

A Hole Australian social commentator – A Trump Presidency would sound the death knell for political correctness. It would mean that in Australia Bill Leak could publish cartoons and university students could use computer labs without prior clearance from the Human Rights Commission.

 

P E Doff US correspondent – Trump as President would preside over the end of civilised politics as we know it. The House of Representatives and the Senate would be made redundant and State Governors would become local Trump Corporation branch managers. The Republican Party would morph into a branch of Rotary and the Democratic Party would become a refugee agency finding places overseas for people suffering persecution in the US. The US would be administered by Trump casinos thus ensuring there would be very few winners. Of course after two years of this administration the likelihood is the electorate would begin to realise that George W Bush wasn’t that bad after all.

 

Dick Head Canberra correspondent – By electing Trump to the Presidency Americans would in fact be opting for him cradle to grave. They’d all be born in Melania maternity wards, go to Trump schools and universities, eat Trump crumpets, marry strumpets, live in Trump Towers, work for Trump, watch Trump television and spend most of their lives listening to Donald blow his own Trumpet.

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