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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

With Ministers Like These…

With Ministers Like These…

Friday 11 September, 2015
In these latest series of leaks from his Journal Tony explains that he started good government some time ago but he’s been unable to persuade his ministerial colleagues to join him.
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Leaks from Tonys Journal

The sad truth is that while I’m an inspirational and gifted prime minister I’m surrounded by a load of ministerial dropkicks, douchebags and dipsticks.

Take Joe for example. He’s not all that bad a sort of Treasurer but he’s prone at times to an economy of brain function. He totally undermined all the great work I did knighting Prince Philip by announcing that he was joining some low-rent Labor push for a republic. Heaven knows what the Queen would think.

I just can’t believe how many members of the cabinet support gay marriage in direct contravention of my explicit policy direction. It’s no wonder I can’t trust them to use their consciences on the issue. I must have a chat to George about it on his next trip over from the Vatican to front the Royal Commission. I see Julia has backflipped on the issue and I’m worried the Pope might do the same and leave me on the homophobic shelf.

Malcolm of course has always been a real worry. I have long held the view that he’s a closet lefty who is in the Coalition only because the Eastern Suburbs crowd would ostracise him for having to join the CFMEU before he could become a Labor MP. He supports gay marriage and an ETS and there’s every sign that when he turns senile he’ll switch to the Greens.

I’m absolutely ropeable that the one member of my team I could absolutely rely on has been chucked out for spending a paltry $5227 on a helicopter flight when people like Tony Burke and Sarah Hanson Young have spent hundreds of thousands on business class junkets all over the world. You could hardly claim that a trip to Geelong is a junket.

Peter Dutton is so gloomy that after talking to him I suffer from depression for days.

Julie’s doing okay as Foreign Minister but I’m disappointed she isn’t spending more time giving speeches extolling my prime ministerial virtues. I suspect she, Malcolm and Scott are all poised to spill me if we’re done over in the Canning by-election. Peta tells me the reason they’re all urging me to spend more time campaigning over there is to increase the chances of it happening.

So I’ll just carry on with the business of delivering good government in the hope that one of these days I’ll be able to prevail on my colleagues to join me.


About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

View all articles in the Leaks from Tony’s Journal Series
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