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Dick Head Interviews

The Year of Living Dangerously

The Year of Living Dangerously

Thursday 15 December, 2016
In this exclusive interview with Dick, Malcolm reflects on his performance as Prime Minister in 2016 and concludes that the main problem has been that the job isn’t big enough for him.
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“So” began Dick “what’s your overall assessment of your government’s performance in 2016?”

“On reflection” replied Malcolm “and to be absolutely fair I’d give us an A rather than an A+”

“Why so modest?” asked Dick

“Two reasons” replied Malcolm “Tony Abbott and the independents in the Senate, the peril and the feral. I’ve tried to blame myself for our failure to fix the economy, Manus Island and gay marriage but I have to accept that I’ve had nothing like the impact of those two”

“What’s the future for Tony in politics?” asked Dick

“Well Tony is a formidable politician” confirmed Malcolm “but it was just our luck that he joined the Liberal Party. The truth is he’s absolutely brilliant in opposition but a liability in government. So I’ve decided to keep him on the backbench until we get kicked out and we can let him loose on Shorten or whoever is unlucky enough to be the next Labor Prime Minister”

“Do you think he’ll be content to hang around on the backbench?” asked Dick

“Probably not” replied Malcolm “but I’m sure he’ll appreciate that leading the opposition to me within the Coalition is great experience for him in preparing to lead us again in opposing a Labor government”

“Are you finding it tough” asked Dick “having to horse-trade with the Senate to get your legislation passed?”
“It has its advantages” pointed out Mal “if the legislation turns out to be an unmitigated disaster then I don’t get to cop all the blame”

“There’s a view in the community” asserted Dick “that you’re a weak Prime Minister who is not staying true to his convictions for fear of upsetting the far right of the Coalition”

“That’s absolute nonsense of course” responded Mal “I’m strongly in favour of an ETS, gay marriage, a republic and a budget surplus but I’m even more strongly in favour of staying in power with a one-seat majority even if that’s Tony”

“What are your main priorities for 2017?” asked Dick

“Stop Barnaby wearing that ridiculous hat” replied Malcolm decisively “stop Tony getting back into the cabinet, stop George Brandis being a recurring disaster area, stop the Labor Party leading us in the polls and start exposing them as a front for the CFMEU”

‘What’s your main wish for Australia in 2017?” asked Dick

“To have the incomparable benefit of me as Prime Minister for the whole year” replied Malcolm

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About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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