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Abbott into Abbattman

You Be The Judge

You Be The Judge

Friday 11 September, 2015
Abbattman goes on a crucial mission to persuade Dyson Raidon to carry on with the Royal Commission into whether the unions are even bigger scoundrels than the Labor Party.
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Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Just as Tony Abbott was about to text Joe Hockey to reassure him that he wasn’t going to be fired the Abbattphone rang.

“I have just received an encrypted mission alert from Abbattoperations” said

Bronnie who had recently been freed up to take on added responsibilities at Abbattapad HQ “It’s critical that Dyson Raidon tells the unions to go and get stuffed and carries on with the Royal Commission. Your mission is to stiffen his resolve and reassure him it doesn’t matter how biased he’s perceived to be as long as it isn’t against the government”

Tony was motivated by this mission. Abbattman’s destiny as the people’s hero often required him to undertake missions above and beyond the normal call of duty but he never wavered. He realised he was the only thing standing between the unions and their holy grail of neutralising the politicians and running the country.

After a number of intense strategy sessions with Abbattintelligence Tony declared himself mission ready. As the Abbattbike stood ready for the rigours of the return trip to Sydney Bronnie dropped by to help him into his Abbattgear and do an on-the-spot mission countdown to propel him up the Hume Highway.

Dyson Raidon was working in his Chambers when the Abbattbike burst through his office door and battered his briefs in a manner that caused him to utter a legal opinion.

“Now look here Abbattman” he expostulated ‘I really do insist that you should enter my chambers legally and what’s more you are parked illegally in my office”

“I have come from Tony’ announced Abbattman “to stiffen your resolve to ensure that the CFMEU, the AWU and Bill Shorten stop behaving like a joint venture between Clive and the Chinese’

“You can reassure Tony’ said Raidon “that I shall be resolving these matters according to the highest principles of jurisprudence”

“It’s critical you try a bit harder than that’ said Abbattman ‘so I have come up with a legal strategy out of left field”

“Oh dear” said Raidon “I was afraid of something like that’

“I have arranged for you” said Abbattman “to address fundraising dinners for the Greens, the Communist Party of Australia, PUP, the Jacqui Lambie Network, the ACTU, the Labor Party and the Bronnie Retirement Fund”

“Whatever for?” asked Raidon

“To remove any perception of bias” replied Abbattman

“A judge is never biased” replied Raidon “except in cases where the unions are involved and then it’s a no-brainer’


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

View all articles in the Abbott into Abbattman Series
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