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You’ll Never Believe his Latest Thoughts on Climate Change

You’ll Never Believe his Latest Thoughts on Climate Change

Friday 7 August, 2015
Bill Shorten’s latest thoughts on Climate Change make the Pope’s encyclical on the subject look like a weather forecast.
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Bill Shorten; His Year of Ideas

Today I am outlining for you the courageous path I am taking to lead the Labor Party towards climate change salvation following the comprehensive carbon cock-ups by Kevin and Julia.

Kevin fluffed the greatest moral challenge of our time. He went on an ETS crusade to the Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen and called the Chinese delegation a name that is only usually reprinted with three asterisks.

The ETS was history and so was Kevin. Julia put a brave face on dumping him but I was faceless.

Then Julia introduced a carbon tax at the behest of the Greens which was a huge mistake because everyone knows they’re an insurgent offshoot of the Climate Change Church. I realised I couldn’t stab all of them so I had to be content with just Julia.

The Dark Side of politics then gained the ascendancy and the carbon-neutral promised land receded even further over the horizon than the budget surplus.

It was then I experienced a climate change epiphany. It came upon me during Question Time that it was not Julia or Kevin who had been chosen to rid Australia of the greenhouse effect but me.

As I contemplated this sacred mission with the prospect of a Noble Prize for Decarbonisation dangling before me I realised that the answer lay in the windmills of my mind.

It was reminiscent of the time I heard voices urging me to come up with new ideas but once again I just couldn’t think of any. So I decided to adopt the old ones like the ETS and renewables.

Then I thought why not go the whole hog and give the carbon tax another whirl as well. Then I remembered the carbon tax was a Greens’ concept and I couldn’t afford to make 2015 the year of their ideas instead of mine just because I couldn’t think of any.

The only things that now stand between me and eternal glory in the carbon neutral promised land are countless millions of dollars of investment, enraged electricity users and finding a way of making true believers believe me.

It is interesting to note that the Pope has recently published an encyclical on climate change. While of course he is entitled to his view His Holiness lacks my moral authority in this area. Furthermore his church is still not in favour of emissions being traded before there’s a formal marriage between the partners even when adequate protection is in place.


About this Series
Roger believes that it’s only when people start to see the funny side that they get a balanced perspective on politics. His unique style of irreverent humour reveals that politics is even funnier than people give it credit for. He is particularly pleased that his writing for Friday Mash has been selected for the Australian National Archive because this not only lends authenticity to the humour but it also marks quite an achievement for a Pom.

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