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The ACTU – Our Brother Bill’s Keeper

The ACTU Our Brother Bills Keeper heading

The ACTU – Our Brother Bill’s Keeper

This series reveals the nature of the special relationship between the ACTU and Bill and in the event of him becoming Prime Minister how much power they’d be prepared to delegate to him.

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Satirical Articles about The ACTU – Our Brother Bill’s Keeper

Don’t Kill Bill
02/11/2017
Ged and Sally call in Bill to discuss why his career at the AWU is such an embarrassment to the union movement. “Look Bill” said Ged “we thought the fallout at the AWU caused by the machinations of Julia’s ex-boyfriend was a disaster but you’re tenure there as Secretary is proving to be a calamity” “It’s only Malcolm making trouble” protested Bill “I’m as close to sainthood as is humanly possible for a former Secretary of the AWU” “But Bill” said Sally sternly “your shenanigans make the CFMEU look like a branch of the Salvos. I know I said it’sok for unions to break the law but you carried on like you were the President of Brazil” “From now on Bill” said Ged dead seriously “we’re putting you on a very short lead. If you don’t get your act together soon we’re going to have to start scrubbing up Albo as PM material but not before we’ve checked whether he’s made any dodgy donations to the South Sydney Rabbitohs” “First of all” instructed Sally “you’ve got to stop wasting most of your time shit-canning Malcolm. Everyone already knows he’s a dipstick dilettante. You should instead be continually telling everybody how brilliant you are in the same way as Trump” “But people would think I’m just big-noting myself” protested Bill “in a desperate effort to look like a future Prime Minister” “Bill let’s face it” said Ged sympathetically “even if you had plastic surgery that made you the spitting image of Keating you’re never going to look like a future Prime Minister. We’re simply trying to make you look less like a union reject” “And you’ve got to stop appearing on tv in a hard-hat” added Sally “it looks like someone is trying to fit a large melon into a small bowl by turning them upside down” “And another thing” said Ged “for heaven’s sake stop appearing on tv in front of a row of nodders. They look like they’re being activated by a switch at Party HQ” “It’s vital you start giving straight answers to questions” directed Sally “so far you’ve given no indication whatsoever that it could have been Malcolm who gave that donation to GetUp!” “Finally” revealed Ged “I’ve made arrangements for you to acquire medically induced amnesia for the period covering your employment at the AWU” “Will all that ensure my complete readiness to become PM?” asked Bil“Well almost” replied Ged “we’ll also need to create a fake news campaign about Malcolm’s plans to exile the CFMEU to Nauru and Manus Island”
In A Different Class
18/05/2017
In the post-Budget review meeting with Bill the ACTU leadership comprising Ged and Sally express their disappointment that he hasn’t openly declared a class war on Malcolm by proposing a wealth tax on Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs.
One Law For Some None For Others
23/03/2017
Sally McManus, the new Secretary of the ACTU, explains to Bill why she considers it a virtual impossibility for the CFMEU to break the law.
In a Two-State Of Mind
02/03/2017
Ged and Bill debate how to build the new Jerusalem at the Labor Party Conference.
Tremors Caused by Trump
16/02/2017
Ged calls Bill in for a pep talk but finds he’s becoming a no-Trump who can’t take a trick.
Deconstructing The ABCC
01/12/2016
Bill, Ged and Dave discuss ways of preventing the ABCC legislation passing in the Senate including a campaign to force more Senators to become union members.

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