Yap No: 23

‘Thank you for the leftovers from the White House Christmas Party’ I said

‘That wasn’t leftovers’ said Big O ‘I had gourmet dog dinners specially prepared. Sorry I couldn’t invite you to the party but I thought a talking dog cabaret act would be a bigger shock for the Democrats than the November election results’

‘I understand’ I said ‘I’ve come to accept that the true spirit of Christmas doesn’t comprise goodwill to all dogs. I know every dog is supposed to have its day but I’m still to find out when mine is. It definitely isn’t at Christmas’

‘Oh come on Bo’ said Big O ‘I happen to know that Santa’s bringing you a lot of great presents this year’

‘Don’t tell me’ I groaned ‘that I’m getting a new collar and a new improved flea treatment just like last year’

‘That was before we knew about your remarkable talents’ said Big O ‘This year you’ll be getting presents more suited to the dog you’ve become like a computer and an i-pad’

‘That reminds me’ I said ‘could you please get me a copy of Richard Nixon’s memoirs. I want to find out whether Nixon really liked Checkers or whether he just used him to get votes’

‘I can tell you that’ said Big O ‘Nixon didn’t like anybody. And Watergate was such a disastrous dogs breakfast that not even a dog would have served it up’

‘What do you mean’ I asked coolly ‘by ‘not even a dog?’

‘Sorry Bo’ said Big O ‘you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t take offence at some of the common canine canards but you have to admit that you’re one out of the dog box’

‘That’s only because dogs don’t get the same opportunities to develop as other members of the community’ I complained ‘We’re man’s best friend but he certainly isn’t ours’

‘You have to realise that you’re a phenomenon’ said Big O ‘The world isn’t ready for you yet but one day you’ll be recognised as the tail which wagged the world’s top dog’

‘That may be so’ I said ‘but that doesn’t help me today. I’ve only received two Christmas cards, one from your girls and the other from my buddy Barney’

‘Michelle and I sent you one with the hotdogs yesterday’ said Big O

‘Oh that explains why they tasted like cardboard’ I said ‘By the way could you please send me burgers instead. Eating hotdogs makes me feel like cannibal. And could you send me another card and some fairy lights so I can at least dream of a crappy kennel Christmas’

‘Come on Bo’ said Big O ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself. I’ve got a wonderful Christmas surprise for you. The family is taking you to stay with some friends who own a Portuguese water dog. And guess what, she’s a champion bitch’

I burst into song ‘It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas’