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Passing the Presidential Leash - Thursday, July 1st, 2010

Story No.38

After Obama had moved into the White House and George and I had retired to stud – fat chance – in Crawford Texas, I found myself with the Bushes at one of those huge social gatherings for Washington wankers.

I love them. It affords the chance to sniff out the rich and famous, pick up all the juicy goss and munch on all the tasty morsels that people throw away when no-one’s looking.

George and Laura were talking to some crashing bores so I wandered off and spotted the Obamas. Normally I wouldn’t take too much notice because I’m not that partial to democrats but I noticed they had their dog with them.

Portuguese water dogs are not usually the brightest bonzos in the kennel and well below Scottish Terriers in the pedigree pecking order but this one looked quite sharp.

I sauntered casually over for a sniff and a yap but as I approached he said ‘Hi, you’re
Barney aren’t you?’

I wasn’t shocked, more like totally, utterly, comprehensively and unforgettably gobsmacked. But I managed to recall his name.

‘Bo’ I said ‘I had no idea you could talk like me. Where on earth did you learn the lingo?’

‘I took a dogtorate in English and Politics at Hound-Dog High’ said Bo ‘By the way I heard you were a senior adviser to Bush’

‘How on earth do you know that?’ I asked

‘I found out from a mate who knew that bitch at the Clintons’ said Bo

‘He didn’t score with her did he?’ I asked anxiously

‘Only once’ said Bo ‘but he told me it was the consummate canine copulation’

‘Damn’ I said ‘I missed out again. My sex life happens about as frequently as the Chicago Cubs play in a World Series’

‘Look’ said Bo ‘I’d love to get a gig as adviser to Obama. How should I go about it?’

‘Have you got access to a computer and a dog and bone?’ I asked

‘No problem’ said Bo

‘Well then’ I said ‘I can put you on a presidential adviser crash training programme and then you can front Obama and tell him if you don’t get appointed you’ll accuse Rahm Emanuel of animal cruelty’

‘That’s brilliant’ said Bo ‘he’s already tried to kick me twice’

‘Does Obama know you can talk?’ I asked

‘No’ said Bo

‘Good’ I said ‘keep it that way for now. There’s always the danger you could end up advertising dog food or doing a TV commentary on dog shows. One other thing. I used to write a series of Shaggy Dog Stories for Friday Mash describing the momentous events in my life with George. Why don’t you take it over?’

‘Friday Mash!’ said Bo ‘that would be great. One thing though, I’m not really a democrat’

‘Keep this to yourself’ I said ‘but neither is Obama’

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Setting a President - Thursday, June 24th, 2010

Story No. 37

‘George’ I said ‘who do you think will be the Republican Party’s presidential nominee in 2008?’

‘Interesting question’ said George ‘it definitely wont be me’

‘Thank goodness for that’ I thought. It wasn’t so much that I thought George didn’t measure up president-wise, rather that I thought he’d done his dash.

‘It wont be Dick Cheney will it?’ I asked anxiously

‘Dick’s a fine man’ said George ‘but there’s a general feeling that as president he would start World War III’

‘What about Newt Gingrich?’ I asked

‘Admirable man’ said George ‘and great Speaker of the House. But I think he’s found God and is trying to persuade him to become a disciple’

‘I like John McCain’ I said

‘Outstanding candidate’ said George ‘but needs a bit of mongrel in him like you’

‘I beg your pardon George’ I said ‘there’s nothing mongrel about me’

‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘I just have the feeling that if he’s nominated he’ll choose a really loony running mate. But he’s a hero just like me’

‘Do you think Condi is interested?’ I asked

‘Incredibly talented’ said George ‘but she’s a woman and what’s more she’s uh…’

‘Black?’ I suggested

‘Yes that too’ said George ‘I’d like to see Rudy Giuliani get the nod’

‘You can’t be serious’ I said ‘even I would get profiled for being black’

‘Fred Thompson’s such a nice guy’ said George

‘He certainly is’ I said ‘but he’s not a good enough actor to play Ronald Reagan. What about Mike Huckabee?’

‘Great state governor’ said Goerge ‘but a shame about that hillbilly name’

‘I think he’s one to watch’ I said ‘nice guys sometimes finish first like you George’. Sometimes I’ve got no shame.

‘You’re not going to suggest Ron Paul’s got a chance are you?’ asked George

‘No probably not’ I said ‘He’d probably do better in the Democratic race’

‘That only leaves Mitt Romney’ said George ‘He might make president one day’

‘He needs to take himself a bit less seriously’ I said ‘and he’s another of those ex-governors who still believe the president runs the country rather than the Washington bureaucracy’

‘It looks like Hillary will get the Democratic nomination’ said George

‘I wouldn’t be too sure’ I said ‘that Obama guy’s coming on strong’

‘But’ said George ‘he’s uh…’

‘Black’ I said

‘He’d never make a good president’ said George ‘he’s got no background in oil like me. He would be hopeless in an oil crisis’
Bush Drops Barney

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Round the Gooseberry Bush - Thursday, June 17th, 2010

Story No. 36

George really stuffed the New Orleans thing. I don’t know what got into him.

Ever since he became President people have been calling him an uncaring elitist, a racist and a dimwit and in one overwhelming display of political ineptitude he unequivocally proved them one hundred percent correct.

‘What do people expect?’ asked George ‘even Presidents can’t take the wind out of hurricanes and Dick and I both came back from holidays three days early’

‘They expect you to show a bit of concern George’ I said ‘This was one of the biggest disasters this country has ever experienced and you treat it like an outbreak of leprosy at a Democratic Convention’

‘Well it’s true there aren’t many Republican voters in New Orleans’ said George ‘but of course that had no impact on my decision making’

‘And what about your tour of the devastation around Biloxi?’ I said ‘Your main announcement there to appease the pain and anguish of the locals was that you were going to rebuild Trent Lott’s mansion’

‘Well, he’s a friend of mine’ said George ‘and besides he’s one of the few down there who vote Republican’

‘I’m thinking of resigning as your adviser’ I said

‘You can’t do that’ said George ‘I’d be left with a load of dogsbodies’

‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve got my reputation to think about. You should see what they say abut me in the Daily Barker. They claim it’s a case of the tail wagging the dog’

‘Tell me Barney’ said George ‘what should I do?’

‘Do what you did in your finest hour’ I said ‘Another 9/11 address. Share people’s pain and inspire them to believe they will prevail’

‘Good idea’ said George ‘a sort of ‘mission not yet accomplished’ speech’

‘George’ I said ‘let’s get real. You’ve got to stand amongst the devastation of New Orleans and make the greatest speech of your life about the rebirth of a great city’

‘It’s a bit wet down there’ said George ‘I’ll have to remember to take my wellies’

‘You’ve got to make an impact’ I said ‘that will make Hurricane Katrina look like a fart on a weather chart. I suggest you address the nation from Jackson Square in the heart of New Orleans and I’ll even get them to turn the lights on so everyone can see its not Josh Brolin shooting a scene for Oliver Stone’s upcoming movie’

‘I hope there’s been no damage to the oil-rigs in the Gulf of Mexico’ said George

‘George’ I said ‘don’t be too greedy. You’ve got to leave some disasters for the next President’

‘There’s nothing I wont do’ said George ‘to ease the suffering of the victims of this disaster’

‘That’s great’ I said ‘There’s still a crying need for accommodation in Texas for New Orleans evacuees. How about making your ranch at Crawford available?’

‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘that’s a no-go zone for Democrats’

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Dont Take Your Chevy to the Levee - Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Story No. 35

‘George’ I said ‘this is serious’

I was enjoying a break with the Bushes at their ranch in Crawford, Texas when I heard the bad news about New Orleans on Fox.

‘Oh I don’t know Barney’ said George ‘our Federal Emergency Management Agency will deal with it. I don’t think we should be unduly concerned’

‘You have to be kidding’ I said ‘the whole of New Orleans is in danger of being inundated threatening the lives and property of hundreds of thousands’

‘Hurricanes aren’t all that serious are they?’ asked George

‘Well they are if they’re Category Five’ I said

‘I must start watching the weather forecasts’ said George ‘Anyway I’ve been in touch with Mike Brown who is the director of the Agency and he’s doing a heck of a job’

‘George’ I said ‘Mike Brown would be blown away by a farting contest and this is a Category Five hurricane’

‘Well Dick will take charge’ said George

‘Dick’ I said ‘is on holiday in Wyoming. You’ve got to go back to Washington immediately and take charge’

‘I can’t’ said George ‘the in-laws are coming to dinner tomorrow’

Next day I told him ‘There’s an unprecedented human tragedy in New Orleans. People desperately need food and medical attention and the Superdome’s full’

‘Why’ asked George ‘is there a game on?’

‘No’ I said ‘and they’re not serving hotdogs and burgers. This is a full blown crisis. You’ve got to return to Washington immediately and take charge. Mike Brown’s stuffing it’

‘Yes I know’ said George ‘I’ve asked Karl Rove to take control. Don’t worry he’ll fix it’

Two days later I said to George ‘If you don’t go back to Washington right now and take charge New Orleans will be history and so will you’

‘Alright Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘we should fly over New Orleans on the way back’

‘Good idea’ said George ‘that will show how concerned I am’

‘Jeepers’ said George as we flew over the devastation ‘it’s a good job I got the rescue effort into gear. What should I say to the media when I get off the plane?’

‘Listen carefully’ I said ‘this is critical. ympathise with the victims, pledge to rebuild New Orleans and stamp your authority over the rescue effort. No jokes’

‘Wow’ said George ‘that’s truly inspirational’

As it turned out George made a real goose of himself at the media conference. The only consolation was he omitted to repeat the claim that Mike Brown was doing a heck of a job.

Hurricane Katrina was a helluva watershed for both New Orleans and George. The city recovered but not the man. I couldn’t believe he stuffed up so badly after all the mentoring I had given him. It shook my faith in people and I considered whether in future I should only talk to dogs.

‘I really hit a homer didn’t I’ exclaimed George after the media conference

‘Actually no George you didn’t’ I said ‘it was one of your worst efforts’

‘Really’ said George ‘what should I do then? How about another ‘mission accomplished’ speech?’

‘Bad idea George’ I said ‘you haven’t accomplished the first one yet’

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The Urge for Surge - Friday, June 4th, 2010

Story No. 34

‘Let’s face it George’ I said ‘Iraq and Afghanistan are both train wrecks’

‘You think so Barney?’ said George ‘I thought they were going particularly well’

‘Come on George’ I said ‘the terrorists are behaving like they’ve just won both the Superbowl and the World Series and we’re getting blow up more often than a punctured tyre’

‘But Dick and Dan are telling me that things are looking great’ said George

‘Dick and Dan wouldn’t have enough nous to use asbestos coated toilet paper if their asses were on fire’ I said ‘they’re hopeless. You’ve got to make changes at the top’

‘Well Barney’ said George ‘even if you’re right what can I do? Dick’s the elected vice-president and he’s great buddies with Don Rumsfeld who is a terrific guy’

‘Look’ I said ‘there’s no easy way of saying this but Don’s got to go. It’s difficult to know what he stands for or which side he’s on. He’s got more sides than the Pentagon’

‘Very funny’ said George ‘but now you come to mention it I think Condi Rice is a bit worried about him’

‘It’s not rocket science’ I said ‘Don insists that limited troop numbers in Iraq are the go but even a poodle could tell you that we need a surge there and I don’t mean a concert tour by Madonna’

‘Look Barney’ said George ‘all the stuff I’m getting from the Pentagon supports Don’s policy’

‘Well of course it does’ I said ‘they report to him. But I’ve got a friend who’s a Pentagon guard dog and he tells me there are rumblings’

‘I’m not surprised’ said George ‘I thought the food there was pretty average’

‘The generals are pissed’ I said ‘that Don’s ignoring their advice on the military situation. We simply don’t have enough troops in Iraq to kick Al Qaeda in the cobblers’

‘As I understand it’ said George ‘Don believes that because the terrorists operate in small groups they need to be opposed by small specialist units’

‘Look at it this way’ I said ‘the way to stop the brilliant individual talents in the Patriots’ offence is by blitzing them, by the whole defence surging and taking them out’

‘Very interesting Barney’ said George ‘I hadn’t looked at it that way before. But would that tactic work against terrorists’

‘It works against the Patriots’ I said ‘and their offensive line is one of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations’

‘But if I reassign Don’ said George ‘who could I put in his place?’

‘That’s easy’ I said ‘Robert Gates. He’s so good that even the Democrats would appoint him’

‘I’m still not sure’ said George ‘that there’s enough evidence to justify reassigning Don. He’s been an incredibly strong supporter of mine over many years as well as a great friend and I’m very loyal to people like that’

‘Here’s the bottom line George’ I said ‘if you don’t take decisive action like rissoling Don, Iraq and Afghanistan will be on the public nose and your poll numbers will take a dive’

‘Good Lord’ said George ‘how soon can Robert Gates start?’

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Rice Crackers - Friday, May 28th, 2010

Story No. 33

‘Mr President’ said Condi Rice ‘I would really like to meet Barney’

‘Oh really’ said George trying to stay nonchalant, ‘what makes you say that?’

‘When I was in the Oval Office last week’ said Condi ‘I happened to see a typed summary of the conversation you had with him. He came up with some fascinating ideas and I’d really welcome the chance to discuss them with him’

‘I’m afraid that would be difficult’ said George ‘Barney is the codename for an agent under deep cover in the Middle East’

I was a big fan of Condi’s and I could think of no-one with whom I’d prefer to discuss international affairs. In fact I’m almost sure it was me who recommended her for the Secretary of State gig in the first place. But George had stuffed up by leaving that summary lying around and now he was between a shock and a hard face.

‘Is there no way you can put us in contact?’ pleaded Condi ‘A conversation between us might prevent the Middle East going west’

‘I’ll see what if can do’ said George pensively

‘This is a right mess you’ve got us into’ I said to George later ‘what have you got in mind, sending her to the doghouse so we can have a yap?’

‘Calm down Barney’ said George ‘I know how to fix it. Condi and I have got a Middle East strategy meeting next Wednesday. I’ll pretend to call you in Afghanistan from there although actually I’ll be calling your kennel. Don’t worry, we’ve got away with this strategy before’

‘Should I arrange recordings of bombs and gunfire in the background?’ I asked

‘What a good idea’ said George ‘and remember you’ll be on the loudspeaker’

I always approached these cunning plans of George’s with a certain trepidation. Anyone who had stuffed Iraq as badly as George was likely to get confused and send Condi round for a chat in my kennel.

Next Wednesday the phone rang right on time and I started the bombs and gunfire CD in the background.

‘Hello’ I said ‘Agent Barney speaking’

‘Hello Agent Barney’ said George ‘this is the President speaking and I have with me Secretary of State Condi Rice who would like to discuss some points from that paper we put together’

‘Hello Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘it’s great to talk with you. Are you in a safe place?’

‘The Taliban are attacking’ I said midst a crescendo of gunfire ‘but we should be able to hold on here for a few minutes’

‘Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘I was most interested to read your brilliant plan for the US to take over all the poppy plantations in Afghanistan, set up a heroin plant and dump all the production in Iran’

‘It’s definitely a win-win’ I said ‘We pay the Afghan poppy farmers so they’re onside, their economy booms and Iran gets totally zonked out on free heroin’

‘Very exciting Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘With the permission of the President I plan to fly out immediately to Afghanistan and help you get things started’

‘Just a moment’ said George sensing that disaster was about to strike ‘That wont be possible because Agent Barney is transferring to Venezuela tomorrow to help overthrow Hugo Chavez’

‘That’s great’ said Condi ‘I’m going to Venezuela next week. I’ll meet Agent Barney there’

‘Sorry’ said George ‘he’s only there a couple of days then he has to return and go under deep cover in his kennel…sorry I mean at his base’

‘He seems to be an outstanding operator’ said Condi

‘I can assure you’ said George ‘that he’s a real terrier’

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Once Bitten - Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Story No. 32

‘Hello Barney’ said George ‘I’ve got an assignment for you’

I don’t know whether all dogs are as gifted as myself at sniffing trouble ahead but my internal alarm systems started to go off like a police car in hot pursuit.

‘I’m inviting you to this afternoon’s White House Garden Party’ he went on.

This sounded better. The White House Garden Party was a champagne and canapé catastrophe on the lawns for George’s fund raisers, sycophants, and poseurs in the Republican Party.

George loved this event because everyone told him he was the greatest president of all-time and he told them they were the greatest buddies a president could ever have. It was a leading contender for wank of the year.

‘Edgar Shortcrutch is coming this year’ said George ‘and he needs to be, you know, managed’

I did know. Edgar was one of Washington’s premier pains in the posterior region. He was a hot-gospeling television evangelist who gave big bucks to George’s campaigns but was always trying to lecture him on moral decay and barmy schemes like banning sex before thirty-five. This would be particularly unfair on dogs because we only live to eighteen.

‘The truth is’ said George ‘I need to avoid him this afternoon because he’s trying to get me to support his stupid Celebrate Celibate Campaign and it would be hard to say ‘no’ to his face after all the money he’s given me’

‘Why the hell did you invite him then?’ I asked

‘I wasn’t going to’ said George ‘but Dick insisted because he’s a member of Edgar’s congregation’

The thought of Dick Cheney celebrating celibacy rather appealed to me although it has come too late for all those people he’s seriously stuffed during his career.

‘Alright’ I said resignedly ‘what do you want me to do?’

‘Nothing much at all really’ said George ‘I just want you to keep an eye on Edgar at the Garden Party and keep me posted on his whereabouts so I can stay out of his way. I’m sorry I can’t ask my bodyguards to do this because they only specialise in terrorists and assassins and Edgar’s hardly in that league’

‘How do I communicate this info to you?’ I asked

‘Simple’ said George ‘I’ll get us both set up with a mini two-way voice system’

‘And don’t forget’ I said ‘to tell the lady on the hot-dog stand to toss me a chilli dog every time I go past’

A celebrity cast of thousands turned up to the Garden Party. I spotted Edgar as he arrived and tailed him around the lawns reporting frequently to George on his movements and really savouring the chilli dogs.

Then suddenly there was a glitch in the voice system and I lost contact with George. At that very moment I saw Edgar starting to make a bee-line in George’s direction.

The situation called for extreme emergency measures to protect the president. I knew my duty. I raced over and bit a huge chunk out of Edgar’s ankle. He collapsed in a screaming heap on the floor and I fled the scene in advance of calls by my enraged victim to have me put down.

‘You certainly did a job on Edgar’ said George later ‘his hospital bills will cost me a fortune’

‘I stopped him in his tracks though didn’t I? I said

‘I have to hand it to you Barney’ said George ‘mission accomplished. So I’ve brought you a dozen chilli dogs and rejected calls to have you put down. I’d no idea you could be so aggressive’

‘Well now you know George’ I said ‘my bite’s much worse than my bark’

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Democracy’s not for Democrats - Friday, May 14th, 2010

Story No. 31

‘Now then Barney’ said George ‘I need your advice on my Inauguration Speech. I was thinking about a triumphal address with the theme ‘bury Kerry and downwards with Edwards’

‘Come on George’ I said ‘this is no time to be vindictive. It calls for magnanimity in victory. Kerry and Edwards may be the biggest non-event since the Bay of Pigs but this is a time of healing to proclaim a presidency which will not only unite the peoples of America but of the whole world’

‘Good heavens’ said George ‘where on earth did you get that bullshit from? You must have been watching old Ronald Reagan B movies’

‘No George’ I said ‘it was part of my acceptance address when I was elected Chief Barker at the Top Dog Congress last year. Of course I was talking about dogs but I believe there’s no reason why people can’t also come together in a civilized way’

‘Don’t get me wrong here Barney’ said George ‘I’m talking about a speech which reinforces my reputation as leader of the free world’

‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but it’s a question of whether you want to come across as just having won the Denver dwarf-throwing final or the US Presidency’

‘I see what you mean’ said George ‘reconciliator rather than terminator’

‘Right on George’ I said ‘your theme should be leading the world to a new era of freedom and democracy’

‘I like it’ said George ‘no people will live under the yoke of tyranny while I’m in office’

‘Except’ I said ‘Al Qaeda, the Washington Press Gallery, the Clintons, North Korea, Iran, Al Gore, the Taliban, left wing loonies in Hollywood, Michael Moore and Don Rumsfeld’

‘Why Don Rumsfeld?’ Asked George

‘Because he’s too dangerous to allow out on his own’ I responded ‘and what’s more he’s a racist. I heard him tell someone that he didn’t like Scottish Terriers’

‘I shall reassure everyone who has lost their freedom’ said George ‘that I shall not rest until their democratic rights are restored’

‘What about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?’ I asked

‘Oh they’re different’ said George ‘they’re not people they’re terrorists’

‘Osama bin Laden and Nancy Pelosi don’t agree’ I said ‘and what about all those guys renditioned by the CIA to covert overseas arm-twisting centres?’

‘Well only because that sort of thing isn’t allowed in the US’ said George ‘You’re not on their side are you?’

‘No George’ I said ‘it’s just that when I see Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz together sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re on the side of the good guys’

‘Ok’ said George ‘so my Inauguration Speech will be about freedom and democracy for ninety-nine percent of people’

‘Ninety-eight point eight’ I said ‘I forgot that the Chicago Democrats are a terrorist organisation’

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Great Ideas Don’t Grow on Bushes - Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Story No. 30

There was no holding George after he won a second term. He was like a dog with three or four tails. I was frightened he might do something stupid like another ‘Mission Accomplished’ thing on an aircraft carrier.

Frankly I don’t think he had much to beat. Kerry and Edwards would struggle to get elected as candidates for the communist party in China. Karl Rove did a pretty good job on George’s campaign but if I’d been in charge he’d have won by a mile.

‘George’ I said ‘this is a big opportunity for you to go down in the annals of history as a bold visionary President’

‘What do you mean?’ asked George

‘Well’ I said ‘you’ve got the gig for another four years, you don’t have to worry about re-election so you can throw a few Hail Mary passes and swing at a few first pitches’

‘What sort of things did you have in mind?’ asked George

‘For a start’ I said ‘you could open a university specialising in politics and only allow graduates to contest elections’

‘Why?’ asked George ‘I didn’t need a degree in politics. I learned everything from my dad’

‘That’s my point’ I said ‘he told you to go all the way to Baghdad and look where it got you. And we’d have been spared Dick Cheney as vice-president because the only thing he could ever graduate in is grievous bodily harm’

‘Anything else Barney’ asked George sarcastically

‘Yes’ I said ‘you’ve got to do something about Hispanic illegal immigrants’

‘Why?’ asked George ‘are they trafficking drugs?’

‘The problem as I’ve told you before’ I said ‘is they’re becoming citizens and voting Democrat’

‘That’s serious’ said George ‘what on earth can we do?’

‘Easy ‘I said ‘offer free flights from Mexico and instant citizenship to illegal immigrants prepared to join the Republican Party and any illegal immigrants already here who don’t carry a Republican Party membership card should immediately be sent home’

‘Isn’t that profiling or racist or something?’ asked George

‘No’ I said ‘it’s a new type of Mexican Wave called Good-bye’

‘Brilliant’ said George now much more enthusiastic’ anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘you’ve got to reform Wall St.’

‘Why’ asked George ‘are they sitting on the fence or are the bulls becoming too bearish?’

‘They’re charging like wounded bulls’ I said ‘but in 2000 you proved you can put the knife in without being Gored’

‘Ole’ said George

‘And one more thing’ I said ‘You’ve got to do something about this country’s image abroad. They all think we’re a pack of arrogant, warmongering, overbearing bullies’

‘I’ll soon fix that ‘said George ‘I’ll do a ‘Mission Accomplished’ world tour’

‘No George’ I said ‘that’s the point. You should do a ‘Mission Not Accomplished’ world tour’

‘How about if I went over to Tehran’ said George ‘and as a goodwill gesture helped open a McDonalds franchise’

‘George’ I said ‘I think you’d get fried with that’

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Re-election Reflection as Bush goes into final term - Thursday, April 29th, 2010

Story No. 29

‘Congratulations George’ I said ‘on your re-election. I cant’ believe so many people voted for Kerry. And as for John Edwards he couldn’t get a gig as a gigolo in a sex addiction clinic for women’

‘Thanks Barney’ said George ‘and I’m particularly grateful for your brilliant contributions to my campaign’

‘You bet’ I said ‘does this mean I’m retained as a senior advisor for the next four years?’

‘Definitely’ said George

‘I’m honoured’ I said ‘but there’s one or two points I’d like to discuss. It has come to my attention that Karl Rove your other senior advisor makes far more than I do’

‘That’s right’ said George ‘but there’s no such concept as equal pay for dogs. Karl is highly paid but I guarantee that no dog in the US is better off than you’

‘Well’ I said ‘here’s my ambit claim. Fillet steak at least once a week, weekly full body grooming at the Pet Pampering Palace, a new fifty-two inch TV set to fit in my kennel, a new computer with six gigabarks and regular bonking with the hotties I find on the on-line Doggy Dating Service’

‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘Ok but I’m not sure how I’m going to arrange White House passes for your doggy dates. If I can arrange for you to slip out through the back gate that should ensure you get it away’

‘Agreed’ I said ‘I’ll have the contract ready for you to sign tomorrow. Now in regard to setting policies for the next four years you’ve got to do something about the economy’

‘Why?’ asked George ‘its booming’

‘Listen carefully’ I said ‘Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are handing out far too many mortgages to people who haven’t got a republican’s chance in San Francisco of paying them back’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘Alan Greenspan’s telling me there are no problems. Don’t tell me you know better than him’

‘George’ I said ‘Alan doesn’t have my nose for things. I’m sensing a stink around Freddie and Fannie that I haven’t smelled since Kenneth Lay came to the White House just before Enron went down the toilet in 2001. I couldn’t tell you because we weren’t on speaking terms back then’

‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I don’t know what I can do. I can hardly get you and Alan together for a chat’

‘Mark my words’ I said ‘if you go on like this there’s a crash coming sometime in the next four years and it will stuff your approval rating and stuff any chance of a Republican running the 2009 election’

‘Where on earth do you get all this stuff from?’ asked George

‘I just dog on to the internet’ I said ‘and chat to underground terrier groups all over the world. And by the way George talking of terriers its high time you sorted out that mob in Iraq. I agree with Dick Cheney for a change. It’s time for a surge’

‘Goodness Barney’ said George ‘if you’ve started to agree with Dick perhaps I should get you two together’

‘Thank you George’ I said ‘but I’ve only just got rid of the fleas and the last thing I need is a dose of the worms’

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