Story No. 32

‘Hello Barney’ said George ‘I’ve got an assignment for you’

I don’t know whether all dogs are as gifted as myself at sniffing trouble ahead but my internal alarm systems started to go off like a police car in hot pursuit.

‘I’m inviting you to this afternoon’s White House Garden Party’ he went on.

This sounded better. The White House Garden Party was a champagne and canapé catastrophe on the lawns for George’s fund raisers, sycophants, and poseurs in the Republican Party.

George loved this event because everyone told him he was the greatest president of all-time and he told them they were the greatest buddies a president could ever have. It was a leading contender for wank of the year.

‘Edgar Shortcrutch is coming this year’ said George ‘and he needs to be, you know, managed’

I did know. Edgar was one of Washington’s premier pains in the posterior region. He was a hot-gospeling television evangelist who gave big bucks to George’s campaigns but was always trying to lecture him on moral decay and barmy schemes like banning sex before thirty-five. This would be particularly unfair on dogs because we only live to eighteen.

‘The truth is’ said George ‘I need to avoid him this afternoon because he’s trying to get me to support his stupid Celebrate Celibate Campaign and it would be hard to say ‘no’ to his face after all the money he’s given me’

‘Why the hell did you invite him then?’ I asked

‘I wasn’t going to’ said George ‘but Dick insisted because he’s a member of Edgar’s congregation’

The thought of Dick Cheney celebrating celibacy rather appealed to me although it has come too late for all those people he’s seriously stuffed during his career.

‘Alright’ I said resignedly ‘what do you want me to do?’

‘Nothing much at all really’ said George ‘I just want you to keep an eye on Edgar at the Garden Party and keep me posted on his whereabouts so I can stay out of his way. I’m sorry I can’t ask my bodyguards to do this because they only specialise in terrorists and assassins and Edgar’s hardly in that league’

‘How do I communicate this info to you?’ I asked

‘Simple’ said George ‘I’ll get us both set up with a mini two-way voice system’

‘And don’t forget’ I said ‘to tell the lady on the hot-dog stand to toss me a chilli dog every time I go past’

A celebrity cast of thousands turned up to the Garden Party. I spotted Edgar as he arrived and tailed him around the lawns reporting frequently to George on his movements and really savouring the chilli dogs.

Then suddenly there was a glitch in the voice system and I lost contact with George. At that very moment I saw Edgar starting to make a bee-line in George’s direction.

The situation called for extreme emergency measures to protect the president. I knew my duty. I raced over and bit a huge chunk out of Edgar’s ankle. He collapsed in a screaming heap on the floor and I fled the scene in advance of calls by my enraged victim to have me put down.

‘You certainly did a job on Edgar’ said George later ‘his hospital bills will cost me a fortune’

‘I stopped him in his tracks though didn’t I? I said

‘I have to hand it to you Barney’ said George ‘mission accomplished. So I’ve brought you a dozen chilli dogs and rejected calls to have you put down. I’d no idea you could be so aggressive’

‘Well now you know George’ I said ‘my bite’s much worse than my bark’