Articles from Bush and Barney
Story No. 28
George was never much of a one for going abroad. He believed that everything good and great in the world was either in Washington or Texas and there didn’t seem much point in travelling overseas to second rate places. America had simply taken their opera, their cars, their pizzas, their fashions and their French fries and made them much better.
So it was something of a surprise at one of our Monday morning review meetings when George announced that he was going on another state visit to the UK because after the last one he vowed he’d never go again.
He got really hostile when they made him travel in a slow horse-drawn coach rather than a limo and apparently the Queen got really uppity when he described their talks as Biz with Liz.
‘You’ll be fine George’ I reassured him ‘it was just unfortunate that you were briefed on the royal protocols for the last visit by B.B.King.
‘It was all so medieval’ said George ‘the royal family was living in castles hundreds of years old. You’d have thought they could afford something more modern’
‘Why are you doing another trip there?’ I asked
‘Well’ he said ‘Tony asked me over and I need his support in the Middle East’
‘So that’s it’ I thought ‘you scratch my back in the Middle East and I’ll scratch yours in London’. I reflected that I didn’t need my back scratching any more after the vet treated me with flea powder. I’m sure I caught them off Tony Blair.
‘All you need to do’ I explained patiently ‘is chat amiably with the Queen about her interests and her family’
‘Ok then’ said George ‘what do you suggest?’
‘First of all’ I said ‘the Queen loves horses and dogs, so your best bet is to take me’
‘No way’ said George ‘they wont have you on Air Force One again after the fuss you kicked up last time about the food’
‘That wasn’t food’ I said ‘it was the leftovers from Dick Cheney’s dinner and that’s not fit for human consumption let alone me. Ok so you’ll have to talk to the Queen about her kids. Her eldest is Charles who talks to trees’
‘How old is he’ asked George
‘I don’t know’ I said ‘you’ll have to chop off his leg and count the rings. Then there’s Anne who is into horses’
‘Is she married?’ asked George
‘Not sure’ I said ‘ I think she’s got a trainer instead. Then there was Andrew who’s pursuing a career in sex’
‘Is he doing alright?’ asked George
‘I think he’s making ends meet’ I said ‘Next there’s Edward but don’t mention him or Fergie or Camilla or Diana or Diana’s family because the Queen will get a royal flush. Oh and by the way when she says ‘we’ she just means herself’
‘Why’s that?’ asked George
‘It dates back to the time when people thought she was a pop group’ I said.
Tags: B.B.King, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Camilla, Diana, Fergie, George Bush, George W Bush, Middle East, Texas, The Queen, Tony Blair, Washington
Posted in Bush and Barney | 10 Comments »
Story No: 27
‘Do you know Barney’ said George ‘there are people around who think I’m not going to win this election’
‘Thank heavens’ I thought to myself ‘he’s finally got the message’
George had been living in the White House cocoon for months signing papers and chatting to other heads of state and blissfully unaware that a large body of opinion in the country perceived another four years with him as President would be like playing a whole season for Detroit Lions.
‘The Democrats are calling me all sorts of names’ he went on ‘like dumbass, dimwit and dickless’
‘I wouldn’t worry about it George’ I said ‘I’ve heard them say far worse than that. After all everyone makes mistakes like you referring to the leader of Al Qaeda as Osama Bin Garden’
‘I did it on purpose’ said George ‘because he’s a big piece of dirt’
‘And what about when you asked the Pope if he’s a Catholic?’ I said
‘Well’ said George ‘Dick Cheney asked me that question when I asked him if he was interested in Iraqi oil and I didn’t know the answer’
‘What did the Pope say?’ I asked
‘Oh he just asked me if I was a republican’ said George ‘I said yes but confessed I’d forgotten to pay my annual party membership fee and I had to say two Hail Marys’
‘Look George’ I said ‘the problem is that John Kerry claims you don’t know what you’re doing in Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘That’s not true’ said George ‘Don Rumsfeld briefed me yesterday’
‘It’s just that things seem to be drifting a bit in Afghanistan’ I said
‘I’m waiting for Pakistan to step up to the plate’ said George
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘they play cricket in Pakistan so they don’t step up to the plate they go in to bat’
‘Ok’ said George ‘and I’m waiting for Spain to go in to bat in Iraq’
‘No George’ I said ‘they do bull fighting in Spain so they grab the bull by the horns’
‘Look’ said George ‘do you mind if we stick with stepping up to the plate. All this foreign stuff confuses me. It’s like travelling with the Redskins to away matches’
‘George’ I said ‘the key to winning this election is presenting you as the terrorist terminator and John Kerry as a wimp who showboats rather than swiftboats’
‘How does Dick Cheney stack up against John Edwards?’ asked George
‘What a question’ I thought ‘it was like comparing Planet of the Apes with Sex Lies and Videotape’
‘I think he stacks up ok’ I said ‘Dick takes a bit off the top while John likes a bit on the side’
‘Look’ said George ‘I know I’m not perfect but at least I don’t crap on the White House lawn like you’
‘George’ I said ‘I only do it because you’re not allowed to and only because the lawn needs fertilising or Dick Cheney walks past’
‘All of us who make it to the top in politics have crosses to bear’ said George ‘for example Hillary’s got a Bill she can’t settle and she’s had to pay it over and over again’
‘Blimey’ I thought ‘George has suddenly become both a wit and a philosopher. He might win this election after all’
Tags: Al Qaeda, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Democrats, Detroit Lions, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Iraqi oil, John Edwards, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, President of USA, The Pope, US President, White House
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No. 26
‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’
I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.
‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’
It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.
‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’
‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’
‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’
‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’
‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’
‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’
‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’
‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’
‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’
‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.
‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Cocaine, Cocaine Crossing, Dick Cheney, full of wind, George Bush, George W Bush, health insurance, healthcare, Heinz, Iraq, John Kerry, Mexico, President, President of USA, Republican, Terrorism, Tony Blair, UK Labor Party, Wind power
Posted in Bush and Barney | 1 Comment »
Story No. 25
‘Barney’ said George ‘you’ve been selected for an undercover mission of the utmost strategic priority’
‘Oh no’ I thought ‘not another’. I got away with the last one when I fooled Dick and Don over the phone. But this had the ominous feel of some really heavy stuff.
‘I wouldn’t ask you’ said George ‘but you are the only one I know with the courage, resourcefulness and unique talent this mission demands’
Now I knew I was in the deep and smelly stuff
‘The fact is Barney’ said George ‘I face an election in a month or two and I’ve received reports that the Democrats are planning a dirty tricks campaign against me’
‘You don’t mean’ I said ‘they’re planning to reveal details of that meeting you had with Osama Bin Laden to plan 9/11’
‘Nothing like that’ said George ‘they’re planning to release false information casting aspersions on my military service record’
‘Good heavens’ I said ‘don’t worry about that. Everybody knows you spent the whole time pissing it up and chasing women’
‘The point is’ said George ‘’we need to get hold of the Democrats’ plan which sets out the details’
‘Ok’ I said ‘so you want me to phone John Kerry’s office pretending to be Dan Rather and ask them to send me a copy’
‘What I want you to do’ said George ‘is break into John Kerry’s home and pinch a copy of the plan which we know is on his desk’
‘Why me?’ I gasped
‘Because’ said George ‘the best way into the Kerry home is through a doggy door and I don’t know anyone else who could get through it’
‘Ok’ I said ‘if they’ve got a doggy door they’ve got a dog. What sort is it?’
‘We believe its a German Shepherd’ said George ‘nothing to worry about. We’ve checked and it will be asleep when you get there’
‘But George’ I protested ‘this is like a rerun of Watergate. If I get caught I’ll go down the toilet like the plumbers’
‘No problem’ said George ‘if you get caught you just play the dumb animal’
In the middle of the night I clambered through the doggy door at the Kerry home and was stealthily making my way across the kitchen when I heard a friendly greeting in dogspeak.
Standing before me was an absolutely gorgeous black terrier bitch
‘What do you want?’ she asked seductively
‘Well’ I said ‘I’ve just dropped in to steal a copy of the dirty tricks campaign John Kerry’s planning against George W’
‘No problem’ she said ‘I’ll fetch you a copy but first I have a great plan for you in my kennel’
It was the best laid plan I’ve ever come across
When I got back to the White House George was absolutely gobsmacked by the success of my mission
‘Great job’ he said ‘how on earth did you do it?’
‘Well George’ I said ‘sometimes when you lie down with dogs you get a lot more than just fleas’
Tags: Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Democrats, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Don Rumsfield, George Bush, George W Bush, John Kerry, Osama Bin Laden, Terrorism, terrorist attacks, Watergate
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No: 24
I was spending a week or two down at George’s ranch in Crawford Texas. Nice spread. The food was delicious, all fresh and no canned, and there were plenty of places I could sniff around. George always needed to have one of his top advisers handy.
‘Barney’ said George one beautiful spring morning ‘I’ve been invited to open the local dog show. Would you like to come along?’
I wasn’t all that keen. Dog shows were designed for dog owners rather than dogs. They ponce around the show-ring with their dogs in tow and bask in all the prizes and glory while their dogs are supposed to stand there like dumb animals. Sheer exploitation that’s what it is.
‘Ok’ I said without enthusiasm ‘I’ll come’
‘Good’ said George ‘I might enter you in the show. You’re a fine example of a Scottish Terrier pedigree’
‘George’ I said ‘I’ll only enter the show if there’s a championship for talking dogs and I can make a speech urging everyone to vote Democrat’
I went to the show with George and Laura. She’s such a considerate lady who treats me as one of the family. Barney Bush has a certain ring to it. George has forbidden me to chat with her but I’m on good patting and sniffing terms.
George made this gushing speech about how wonderful the US was as well as Texas, the Republican Party, dogs and of course dog owners who were elevated to backbone of the country status. Thank goodness most of them are on a lead. He finally declared the show open and it wasn’t a bad speech because I wrote it for him.
I settled down to watch the show from a privileged position in the official enclosure. It was all a bit boring really and I was just about to nod off when I saw her.
This ghastly woman was leading round the show-ring the most adorable vision of Scottish Terrier bitch beauty that I had ever seen. The poor dog had obviously spent the previous twenty-four hours in the pet parlour because she was exquisitely groomed with just the right amount of make-up.
Smitten didn’t really cover it. Totally, utterly and absolutely zonked was more like it.
The following day I was still off my food.
‘George’ I said ‘I’m hopelessly in love. Did you see that incredibly sexy bitch at the show?’
‘I didn’t realise that Madonna was there’ said George
‘George’ I said ‘I’m talking about that loveliness on four legs who was champion of the show’
‘Oh the Matterson’s dog’ he said ‘they’re coming here tomorrow for the Republican fundraiser’
‘Are they bringing their dog?’ I asked
‘For you Barney anything’ said George ‘I’ll get Laura to phone them and invite them to bring Priscilla’
‘Oh dear’ I thought ‘but there again what’s in a name?’
On the morning of the fundraiser I limbered up with a dip in the pond and a growl at the cat. I even did a few push-ups.
As the cars arrived I struck a casual pose by the reception area ready for the first precious glimpse of Priscilla.
As soon as her feet touched the ground I bounded over much to the alarm of the Mattersons and in a mad passionate moment we touched noses.
I knew immediately that I had been sold a pup. She was gay. When I told George he didn’t stop laughing for weeks.
Tags: Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Crawford Texas, Democrat, George Bush, George W Bush, Madonna, Mattersons, Priscilla, Republican Party
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No: 23
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I need your help’
I sniffed trouble. It was something in George’s tone.
‘Dick and Don’ he said ‘are pressuring me to invade the tribal areas in Pakistan to touch up the Taliban and find OBL. But my plan is to use drones to pinpoint key Taliban targets and bribe the Pakistanis to do the deep down and dirty stuff on the ground’
‘Brilliant thinking George’ I said. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were obviously up to their old tricks.
‘Now I’ve got a strategic planning meeting with them tomorrow afternoon at the White House’ continued George ‘and I want you to be ready to take a call from the meeting. Here’s the tricky bit. My cunning plan is for you to pretend to be a CIA agent on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border who can give an expert on-the-spot strategic military assessment to support my point of view’
‘That’s a bit of a challenge George’ I said ‘I’ll have to bone up on a few things before you call’
‘One or two other points’ said George ‘I’ll address you by your codename which is Terrier. Pretty funny huh? Oh and by the way you’ll have to address me as Mr President for a change’
The next afternoon at 3.30 the dog and bone rang in my kennel
‘This is Terrier’ I said
‘Hi Terrier’ said George ‘This is the President speaking. I’m here with the vice-President and the Secretary of Defence and you’re on the loudspeaker. What’s the current situation on the border there?’
‘Swarming with Taliban Mr President’ I responded ‘it’s just like passing out day at West Point’
‘Dick Cheney here Terrier’ said Dick ‘are the Taliban well armed?’
I had to smile. I could hardly resist the temptation to tell him he was talking to me. He would absolutely crap himself.
‘They’re armed and dangerous’ I said ‘They all look like Sylvester Stallone in
Rocky II’
‘Great film’ said George
‘Are you in disguise Terrier?’ asked Dick ‘Oh I get it. You’re disguised as a dog’. He was painful when he tried to be funny.
‘That’s right’ I said ‘it helps me keep my nose close to the ground’
‘That’s very funny Ba…Terrier’ said George
‘What’s the terrain like there?’ asked Don
‘Very steep and rocky’ I replied ‘Ok for guerrilla warfare but unsuitable for large troop movements’
I could tell he was impressed by my military analysis.
‘Are you in danger there?’ asked Dick
‘I’m used to it’ I said ‘The Taliban think I’m a Pakistani agent sent by Ahmadinejad to convince them that 9/11 never happened’
‘When is the best time to invade the tribal areas?’ asked Don
‘Well not during a test match’ I said ‘especially if its against India and Pakistan are winning. That would really piss them off. And not during the Afghan Hound Show Week. Militarily speaking I’d recommend you use drones to destroy key Taliban targets pinpointed by me and bribe the Pakistanis to do the heavy stuff on the ground’
‘Very interesting’ said Dick ‘that’s the President’s view. You haven’t been swapping notes with him have you?’
‘Never had the honour of meeting him’ I lied ‘but you know what they say about great minds’
‘Thank you Terrier’ said George ‘stay safe. You’ve been very helpful’
An hour later I met George on the White House lawn.
‘Mission accomplished Terrier’ he said.
Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, Ahmadinejad, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, CIA, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, guerrilla warfare, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, Rocky II, Sylvester Stallone, Taliban, White House
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No: 22
‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’
If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.
‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’
‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’
‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’
‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’
‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.
‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’
‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.
‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’
‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?
‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’
‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George
‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’
‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Al Qaeda, animal welfare, Bill Clinton, Britney Spears, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Carbon Emissions, CIA, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Guantanamo Bay, healthcare, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, New Zealand, recessions, Rocky, Saddam Hussein, State of the Union, Terrorism, Zimbabwe
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No: 21
George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.
‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’
George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.
Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s
‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’
I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’
‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’
‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’
The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.
‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’
‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.
‘Is that all?’ asked George
‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’
‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George
‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’
‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’
‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’
‘There can’t be more’ said George
‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’
Tags: Afghanistan, Arsenal, Bill Clinton, British Bulldog, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, CIA, George Bush, George W Bush, Gordon Brown, Hillary Clinton, Manchester United, Mel Gibson, Mossad, The Queen, Tony Blair
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No. 20
‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’
There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.
‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’
Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.
He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.
‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’
‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’
Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’
‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’
‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’
‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’
‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’
‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’
‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’
‘You don’t mean…’ began George
‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’
‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’
‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked
‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked
‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’
‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked
‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George
‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’
Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, carbon pollution, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Eliot Spitzer, George Bush, George W Bush, Heinz, Iraq, Karl Rove, Madonna, McCain, Vietnam war
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No. 19
George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.
‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’
‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’
‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’
‘Wonderful man’ said George
‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’
‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’
‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’
‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’
A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.
‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’
‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’
‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said
‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’
‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’
‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’
Tags: Atilla the Hun, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Colin Powell, Condi Rice, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, Oprah Winfrey, Osama Bin Laden, Stockholm Syndrome, WMD
Posted in Bush and Barney | 1 Comment »
Loading ...