Articles from Carbon Emissions
A Single Return
To spare his mother-in-law further embarrassment Bill Shorten should get divorced immediately
A Worse Mark
Before we get too carried away thinking that independents are a breath of fresh air don’t forget Mark Latham is now one of them.
A Cleaner Kristina
After Julia’s reawakening there comes news of a new Kristina; more credible and responsible, committed to good government. She must have quit the NSW Labor Party.
Unattractive Features
We need to get back to the good old days of politics when independents were faceless men.
A Fatal Union
There is news that Julia, Rob Oakeshott, Tony Windsor and Bob Katter are about to star in a remake of Three Weddings and a Funeral.
Huge Loss of Face
The whisperings down Canberra corridors have it that Bill Shorten will be the next Labor prime minister. That means he will become the Faceless of Australia.
Unsustainable Population
Bob Brown warns that global warming will result in the loss of certain species in Tasmania. Hopefully the Greens senators will be one of them.
Work Choices
Julia is now the caretaker prime minister who is trying to repair cracks in the Labor Party, brush the BER under the carpet, clean up Kevin’s leaks and sweep the independents into a coalition.
Tags: BER, Bill Shorten humour, Bob Brown, Bob Katter humour, Julia Gillard humour, Kristina Keneally humour, Mark Latham, NSW Government, Rob Oakeshott humour, the Greens, Tony Windsor humour
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Will You Still Vote For Me In The Morning?
Julia warned us that we could wake up one morning with Tony as PM. Surely that only applies to women.
Not Right on McKew
Maxine McKew is now ideally qualified to return to the ABC as one of their impartial political commentators.
They’ll have a party
Independence Day is a long established tradition in the US but Australia is about to have its first Independents day.
Too Switched On
For a party that wants to reduce carbon emissions the Greens seem to be generating far too much power.
Grass Roots Campaign
The Australian Sex Party didn’t need a five week campaign to get their message across. A one-night stand was sufficient.
Wayne Strain
One of the most trying aspects of the election campaign was Wayne rabbiting on incessantly about how he’d saved us all from the GFC. There were times when the GFC seemed infinitely preferable.
Marking Your Vote
The high informal vote at the election probably resulted from Mark Latham distributing how-to-vote cards at polling stations.
Bottoming Out
Kevin wasn’t very good at protecting his arse but at least he didn’t lose his seat.
Tags: GFC, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Mark Latham, Maxine McKew humour, Sex Party, the Greens, Tony Abbott satire, Wayne Swan satire
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Not Wholly Satisfactory
Everyone’s getting part-time jobs; Mark Latham at Channel 9, Kevin at the UN and Julia at being herself.
Leg Breaks or Power Brokes?
Mark Arbib has got Nathan Rees and Kevin out and now he’s on a hat-trick with Julia.
Less than the Perfect Match
Labor insiders have confirmed that although Julia and Kevin have agreed on a civil union they have no plans for a gay marriage.
Bad Mark
2010 is a chance for the Australian electorate to restore their reputation following the damage incurred in 2004 when almost half of them voted for Mark Latham as PM.
Getting Behind Julia
Commentators who talk about Julia having a marginal seat should confine their remarks to politics.
Doesn’t Have the Balls
Tony’s been spotted in much larger Speedos but a party spokesman denied that he’d started people smuggling.
We Won’t Call You
Thank you Tony and Julia for coming to the audition. That’s all for now. Don’t call us…
Ghost Train
It’s been a huge disappointment for voters in marginal Western Sydney seats that neither Julia nor Tony has promised to build the North-West Metro.
Those who enjoy a really good laugh have not given up hope that it will be trotted out yet again by the NSW Labor Party in the lead-up to the 2011 state election.
Tags: Gay Marriage, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Mark Arbib humour, Mark Latham, Nathan Rees satire, NSW Labor Party, people smuggling, Tony Abbott satire
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Return of Serve
Julia has timed Kevin’s comeback brilliantly to ensure he cops all the blame if Labor loses.
Money’s No Object
Wayne claims the Coalition has $28 billion worth of unfunded election promises. He’s so old fashioned. He hasn’t yet twigged that funding election promises is as big a waste of time as doing a budget for the Sydney North-West Metro.
Not Up To The Mark
Julia mark I was called in to save the Labor Party from Kevin and Kevin was called in to save it from Julia mark II. Somebody better have contingency plans ready in case Julia mark III turns out to be Latham.
Non-Supporters Club
Kevin thinks Tony is unfit to be PM. Among those who consider Kevin unfit for the job are Julia, Bill Shorten, Mark Arbib, the mining industry, the insulation industry, the green movement, the Coalition, the rest of the parliamentary Labor Party, Godwin Grech and an RAAF flight attendant.
Off-Track
Kevin was nobbled for taking the Labor Party in the wrong direction so surely Julia should be nobbled for taking it in the direction of Kevin.
Debate Droppings
There is talk of a huge TV debate between Julia, Kevin and Mark Latham. It is not planned to use the worms to guage audience reaction in case they show a natural bias.
Not Rising To The Occasion
At the Coalition campaign launch Julie Bishop looked like she was wearing a uniform form the Starship Enterprise. Disappointingly Scotty didn’t beam her up.
Worth Taking a Stab At
The political power-broking group who knifed Morris Iemma, Nathan Rees and Kevin should become a public service.
Off Course
Julia should make Kevin the Minister for people smugglers. If he was able to take the Labor Party in the wrong direction doing the same for people smugglers would be a doddle.
Tags: Bill Shorten humour, Godwin Grech, Julia Gillard humour, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd satire, Mark Arbib humour, Mark Latham, Morris Iemma satire, Nathan Rees satire, Wayne Swan satire
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Pulling the Plug
Since the Women’s Weekly gave Julia a plug insiders believe she’s been trying to use it on Kevin to stop the leaks.
Cold Comfort
Following his transfer from the US to Siberia, BP executive Tony Hayward must be pleased that he’s done so much to increase global warming.
A Mark of Disrespect
Julia obviously sussed her election campaign was in deep trouble when the electorate perceived that Mark Latham was making more sense.
No Longer Sent By Laurie
Following his operation specialists are confident that Kevin won’t have the gall to do any more leaking.
Not Part of the Union
Robbie Deans must be relieved that Bill Shorten and Mark Arbib aren’t rugby power-brokers.
Welsh Leaks
Rumours are circulating that the old Julia was knifed by Bill Shorten and Mark Arbib in favour of the new. She is expected to start leaking against herself shortly.
Father of the Rear
A recent poll in the US showed Americans believe the dire state of their economy is more Obama’s fault than George W’s. But they still believe that George W was more George Bush Snr’s fault than Obama’s.
Circle of Love
Mark Latham hates Kevin who hates Malcolm who’s not keen on Tony who likes Julia who hates Lindsay Tanner who hates Mark Latham.
Worms’ Turn
The suggested new format for the next Big Debate is that the worms do the debating while Tony and Julia track audience reaction.
Tags: Barack Obama humor, Bill Shorten humour, BP oil leak, George Bush satire, George W Bush humor, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Lindsay Tanner jokes, Malcolm Turnbull satire, Mark Arbib humour, Mark Latham, Robbie Deans, Tony Abbott satire, Tony Hayward
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Not What He Longed For
How appropriate that Kevin was chopped off at the knees by someone called Bill Shorten!
Decarbonated
The Citizen’s Assembly on climate change will be drawn from all parts of the community except for Barnaby Joyce’s relations, miners and anyone who’s neither a member of the greens nor was a delegate to the Copenhagen Conference.
Vote People
Julia’s got a ready-made Citizens Assembly to tackle the asylum seeker problem. It’s located on Christmas Island.
Sex on the Wayne
Joe Hockey claimed that Wayne Swan has done for the economy what Paris Hilton did for celibacy. The truth is however that Wayne has done far more for celibacy than he’s done for the economy.
A Close Thing
Julia said that as far as climate change is concerned there’s very little between her and Tony. That’s almost certainly why it’s getting hotter.
Out of Control Freak
There have been complaints that when Kevin was PM he didn’t attend any committee meetings. Of course he didn’t. He simply told them in advance what to do.
All Black All-Clear
The US Congress isn’t ready to contemplate an ETS and neither is Julia. They obviously feel the world can relax now that NZ has introduced an ETS.
Losing Direction
Christine Milne the Greens deputy leader claims that her party has a vision for Australia right up to 2050. She has yet to confirm their campaign slogan is ‘Moving Forward Going Backwards’.
Tags: asylum seekers, Barnaby Joyce humour, Bill Shorten humour, Christine Milne, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, Joe Hockey humour, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Paris Hilton, the Greens, Tony Abbott satire, Wayne Swan satire
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Missionary Zeal
Since Julia has taken up the position of bending over backwards to move forwards experts believe she is increasingly basing her strategies on the Kama Sutra.
Brotherly Love
If John Howard had been in the Labor Party perhaps Keating would have hated him as much as Hawkey.
Mad To Go Into Politics
Bob Hawke thinks Tony Abbott is as mad as a cut snake. He made no comment on whether the cut snake is as mad as Mark Latham and Keating.
Felicitous Farting
What’s the difference between playing the vuvuzela and passing wind?
Very little except that passing wind is slightly less embarrassing.
Carbon Admissions
In order to be absolutely clear Tony Abbott should explain that there’s as much chance of him re-introducing work choices as there was of Kevin introducing an ETS.
Join The Party
The Coalition have already arranged a full schedule of election campaign appearances by Kevin.
Doing the Reverse
Groups who have so far asked Julia to clarify how they can move forward are pink batts installers, people smugglers, Labor backbenchers and female ballroom dancers.
Blanche At The Thought Of It
As a bit of mid-election relief wouldn’t it be great if Hawke and Keating took over from Gillard and Abbott for a week or two?
Taking It Lying Down
The Coalition slogan ‘Stand up for real action’ looks to be a knock-off from that old massage parlour sign inviting you to ‘lie down for real action’.
Tags: Bob Hawke, ETS, home insulation scheme, John Howard satire, Julia Gillard humour, Mark Latham, Paul Keating satire, Tony Abbott satire, WorkChoices
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Not the Sound of Music
If Julia kicks the asylum seekers out of Christmas Island it would become the ideal location for the World Vuvuzela Festival.
Fowl Play
Sources have confirmed that the egg thrown at Julia came from a battery hen.
Lords But Not Poms
Australia is currently playing the Pakistanis at Lords. In order to avoid confusion cricket authorities have released a statement saying this is not a Test against England because in that case they would be playing against South Africans.
To Russia Without Love
The spy swap which recently took place in Vienna has inspired power-brokers to come up with a brilliant idea to keep the NSW State Government in power at the next election. They are reportedly working on a deal with Russia to secretly swap the NSW Government for the ten spies kicked out of the US. They reason that not only will this lead to chaos on Russian roads and railways but it will also ensure that government in NSW will finally benefit from good intelligence.
A Balls-Up
Those who believed that Paul the octopus made some ballsy World Cup predictions were probably confusing tentacles with testicles.
It’s Not Cricket
Joe Tripodi has been referred to the ICAC which of course stands for International Cricket Asian Council. Could this mean he’s replacing John Howard as the local nominee for Vice-President?
Lambs from the Slaughter
NZ sheep facing slaughter at home are thought to be seeking asylum in Australia. A government spokesman welcomed their preference for resettlement in rural areas.
Moving Forwards and Downwards
As a result of the upcoming election Australians will get the politicians they deserve. As a matter of extreme urgency will someone, anyone for pity’s sake, tell us what on earth we’ve got to do to deserve better.
Tags: asylum seekers, Christmas Island, Cricket, Joe Tripodi humour, John Howard satire, Julia Gillard humour, NSW State Election, Russian spies, Tony Abbott satire
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Quid Pro Quo
Legal sources are expecting John Howard’s lawyers to contact Julia about the payment of Pacific Solution royalties.
Heaven Without Kevin
Is the change in the mining tax a backdown, a breakthrough or just another RSPT (Rudd’s Sudden Piss-off Thanksgiving)?
Waste Not
Anyone wishing to help clean up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico can go down to their local BP station and pay a dollar thirty a litre for it.
Seeking to Escape the Asylum
Julia has confessed she’s not politically correct. That’s wonderful news. It gives the rest of us hope of social equality with asylum seekers.
A Not So Huge Gulf Between Them
BP are drilling a new hole in the Gulf of Mexico. Marine scientists believe this is an ingenious plan to divert the oil spill to Mexico.
Accurate Whether Forecast
The miners’ forecast that the Australian Government would finally do a deal with them has proved correct. So now they will have to pay a super prophet’s tax.
Full of Wind
Strategic analysts now believe that Obama’s tardiness in tackling the oil spill was a critical element in his plan to promote renewable energy sources.
Labor’s Love Lost
Anyone having sexual fantasies about Australia’s new prime minister are advised to have a sit down, a cold shower and get a character reference from Kevin.
Tags: asylum seekers, Barack Obama humor, BP oil leak, John Howard satire, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, mining tax, super profits tax
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A Familiar Cry
It wasn’t surprising that Kevin wept during his farewell speech. His speeches have always had that sort of effect on people.
Missing Their Mark
Stand by for Wayne, Craig Emerson and Anthony Albanese to claim that Tony Abbott is the new Kevin Rudd.
Swimming in Oil
Following predictions that the oil spill could reach New York Harbour by Christmas some enterprising companies have already applied for licences to drill for sea water in the Gulf of Mexico.
The Second Fleet
Following a particularly harsh budget in the UK, Aussie immigration authorities are expecting a huge influx of pommie asylum seekers at Christmas Island.
Gough Ripped Off
Hopefully Orlando Bloom will never be involved in a dissolution which could cause him to be called Kerr’s Cur.
Target Practice
The reason Kevin was excluded from the cabinet in the short-term is that it will take time to build a bullet-proof cubicle for him in the cabinet room.
Lifesaving Movement
The realisation that Wayne could be a heartbeat away from The Lodge has prompted frantic pleas to Environment Minister Peter Garrett to declare Julia a protected species.
Just One of Those Days
Julia said ‘some days I will delight you and some days I will disappoint you’. She was obviously talking to Kevin at the time.
Heaven Can Wait
Julia is a childless atheist living with a partner. No matter how many miracles she works sainthood looks an unlikely prospect.
Tags: Anthony Albanese, asylum seekers, BP oil leak, Christmas Island, Craig Emerson, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Miranda Kerr, Orlando Bloom, Peter Garrett satire, Tony Abbott satire, Wayne Swan satire
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