Articles from Carbon Emissions
No Interest
No wonder the Reserve Bank doesn’t have any customers. It’s always the first to raise interest rates.
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Full Montys
Everyone who turned up at the Opera House with their gear off had parts in the mass nude shoot. Most of them were private.
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The Right Prescription
Kevin’s hospitals plan is very timely. People are beginning to get sick of him.
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A Suitable Case for Treatment
State governments running hospitals are not good for our health, the federal-state shared responsibility structure is a bigger health threat than smoking, and giving Nicola Roxon sole charge of hospitals would make Peter Garrett look like an expert on safety in the home.
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A Candidate for Premier
It is difficult to ascertain if Michelle Chantelois is a candidate in the upcoming South Australian election. Most commentators, however, agree that she’s an also-Rann.
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A Really Sorry Day
Political strategists believe it will be another six months before Kevin starts apologising for his hospitals plan.
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The Name Game
Hugo Chavez recently called Hillary Clinton ‘the blond Condoleezza’. How outrageous. The next thing he‘ll be calling Obama ‘the black George W Bush’.
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Bad Taste
Following his sojourn in the outback Tony Abbott is undecided about which left the nastier taste in his mouth, Malcolm crossing the floor or witchetty grubs.
Tags: Barack Obama, Condoleezza Rice, George W Bush, Health, healthcare, Hillary Clinton, hospitals, Hugo Chavez, interest rates, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Michelle Chantelois, Mike Rann, Nicola Roxon, Opera House, Peter Garrett, President of US, RBA, Sorry, Tony Abbott, witchetty grubs
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The Face of Labor
The NSW Government’s latest cunning plan is to present themselves as the Kristina Party rather than Labor. The new advertising campaign is reportedly having no impact in raising voter support for the Labor Government but it could result in Kristina getting loads of invitations to do centrefolds for men’s magazines.
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Top Spin
Kevin didn’t apologise when the home insulation scheme horrors first came to light and he didn’t apologise for Peter Garrett’s stuff-ups or six thousand lost jobs. He finally apologised when the spin doctors convinced him that he was on a sticky wicket which would take spin.
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A New League of Their Own
If you happen to see drunks assaulting people in pubs or urinating in the street don’t be alarmed; they are merely the traditional signs that a new rugby league season is about to begin.
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Weak Support
The week before Kevin fired Peter Garrett he said ‘I support Minister Garrett this week and I’ll still support him next week’. Yes it’s true what they say about a week in politics.
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Dynamic Duo
A night club in Sydney is reported to have insulation problems. Seems like a case of Peter Garrett meets Tiger Woods.
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Browned Off
If Gordon Brown is no longer the UK Prime Minister after the upcoming election he has the qualifications for a range of other top jobs like the President of Venezuela, Zimbabwe or Iran. Bully for him.
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Not Sorry For Himself
On Q&A last Monday, Peter Garrett said he hadn’t done anything he should apologise for and seemed non-plussed that Kevin had apologised for him. He doesn’t seem to realise what a sorry figure he has become although he might apologise for Kevin.
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House Rules
Now that we’ve got Peter Garrett out of our roofs the next challenge is getting Tony Abbott out of our bedrooms.
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Tags: Gordon Brown, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, NSW Government, NSW Labor Government, NSW Labour Government, Peter Garrett, rugby league, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, UK Prime Minister
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Putt and Take
Tiger Woods is reportedly making a comeback later this year. No word yet on which nightclub it will be at.
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Life’s a Beach
Environmentalists are concerned that the rising tide of ETS dissent could erode Penny Wong and wash her away.
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Doomsday Scenario
The International Atomic Energy Agency has expressed concern that Peter Garrett might one day become the Australian minister responsible for the development of nuclear power stations.
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The Love of Sport
If sex becomes an Olympic sport will Tiger Woods switch codes?
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Getting Better
Obama has taken steps to involve Republicans in developing his healthcare plan. The aborigines could teach him more about bush medicine than George.
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Poor Batting
The Government’s insulation debacle has had a marked effect on house design. Nobody wants a garret in their roof anymore.
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Dear John
Now it turns out that just like Andrew Peacock and Peter Costello, Malcolm Fraser can’t stand John Howard either. But on the other hand there’s George W. Bush and Tony Abbott who think John is great while no one’s even bothered to ask Mark Latham yet and he’s normally very liberal with his opinions.
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Insulated from Terrorism
There was intense debate in federal parliament this week about whether the home insulation scheme was a bigger threat to the community than home-grown terrorism. It’s a close run thing but Friday Mash sincerely believes the Federal Government is less of a threat than Al Qaeda.
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Tags: Al Qaeda, Andrew Peacock, Barack Obama, ETS, George W Bush, Insulation, John Howard, Mark Latham, Obama Healthcare, Penny Wong, Peter Costello, Peter Garrett, Republicans, Terrorism, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, US President
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Great Mate
Peter Garrett has demonstrated an ability to expostulate, discombobulate, encapsulate, recapitulate, articulate, vacillate, ululate, miscalculate, emasculate, dissimulate, gesticulate, confabulate, manipulate but alas not insulate.
Valentine Shock
If you received a Valentine Card from Kevin don’t panic, it was just part of his new stimulation package.
Oh Heavens it’s Kevin
There’s growing concern amongst health authorities at the spread of Kevin Fatigue Syndrome. Sufferers can experience frightening symptoms such as Julia Gillard beginning to look quite attractive. Spokesmen are confident however that the standard treatment comprising earplugs and blindfolds will prove effective. Labor Party heavies are said to be quite concerned that Julia herself might contract it and begin to see herself as more attractive than Kevin.
Retro Metro
The NSW Labor Government have shown themselves to be passionate metrosexuals. There’s lots of metro bonking with a number of premature withdrawals but no sign of a climax.
A Heavy Crossing to Bear
The NSW Government caused universal astonishment by rejecting proposals from two organisations to privatise the Sydney Harbour Ferries and opting to maintain the status quo. They had arguably come to the realisation that a ferry service which is profitable, on-time and free from the daily risk of crashing into Circular Quay would be a threat to their toll revenue on the Harbour Bridge.
See You Later Insulator
Kevin has done such a brilliant job insulating Peter Garrett he’s the obvious choice to go out and fix some houses.
Fairyland
During his appearance on television wearing a crown and tutu and carrying a wand Joe Hockey appeared not so much like Tinkerbell and more like the Magic Pudding.
Up the Poll
According to the polls voters are going off Kevin in droves. They must have batts in the belfry.
Tags: Joe Hockey, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, NSW Government, NSW Labor Government, Peter Garrett, Sydney Harbour Ferries
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Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen
Kevin took 114 delegates to the Copenhagen Conference. Friday Mash can now confirm there were no fatalities on this mission and all have returned safely. Some delegates however reportedly suffered hypothermia, a couple had mental breakdowns trying to make sense of it all and one was rescued from a snowdrift by a great dane.
The Greatest Moral Challenge of our Time
Tony Abbott is keen that his Emissions Reduction Fund should retain its virginity as long as possible and is determined to stop Kevin stuffing it.
Thanks a Trillion
A White House spokesman has confirmed that Obama wont be bringing the US debt to Australia. China owns such a large part of of it they insist he leaves it there for safe keeping while he’s overseas.
Unseasonal Greetings
Despite rumours that he is planning to seek asylum in Australia immigration authorities will not insist Obama travels here from Indonesia via Christmas Island. On the other hand there is still a widespread view that his first coming in Australia should be at Christmas.
A Case of Whether
The good news for Australia on climate change is that NZ now has an ETS up and running. Obviously the sensible thing for Kevin to do is check whether it has any effect on global warming before trying to launch one here.
Tally Ban
Following an extensive research study the Taliban will not be fielding any candidates in the NSW State Election in 2011. Surprisingly the study showed they were even less popular than the current Labor Government.
Floored
Consistent with Kevin’s beneficence in providing jobs for opposition members it is expected that after Malcolm crosses the floor to vote for the ETS he will be offered the job of cleaning it.
Rejoyce
It is difficult to understand why Wayne Swan and Lindsay Tanner are so critical of Barnaby Joyce. He’s helping the Labor Government immeasurably more than they are.
Tags: Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Christmas Island, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, Debt, Emissions Reduction Fund, ETS, global warming, immigration, Kevin Rudd, Lindsay Tanner, Malcolm Turnbull, NSW Labor Government, NSW State Election, President of USA, Taliban, Tony Abbott, US debt, virginity, Wayne Swan
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Virgin on the Political
George Brandis claimed that Julia Gillard is not qualified to pronounce on parenting because she doesn’t have children. He was however quite happy for her to discuss virginity with the hopelessly unqualified Tony Abbott.
Ball Control
There seems to be a concerted move in the UK to prevent John Terry’s sexual indiscretions being placed in the same league as Tiger’s. It is claimed he merely put the finishing touches to a movement down his right flank.
Blockbuster
Serena Williams victory in the Australian Open seemed to be the antithesis of the outcome in Avatar.
Sheer Terror
Obama is searching for the ideal environment for the trial of the 9/11 masterminds now that the Big Apple plan has been juiced. Support is growing for setting up a video link between the courtroom and the defendants traveling on a pilotless plane on course to crash into Al Qaeda central.
Lord Blair of Baghdad
The Iraq Inquiry in the UK seems increasingly like a deliberate attempt to undermine George W Bush’s place in history and pin all the blame for the war on Tony Blair. And it’s an absolute scandal that so far there’s been no mention of John Howard.
The Penny Hasn’t Dropped
Kevin and Penny Wong are having a third go at getting the Lazarus ETS legislation passed by parliament.
They must either know something the rest of us don’t or don’t know something the rest of us do.
The evidence available to mere mortals indicates that the EU’s ETS is useless, Europe won’t set emissions reductions targets before the US who won’t set them before China who won’t set them. The scientific evidence underpinning an ETS looks increasingly discredited and the only delegates in Copenhagen who looked remotely interested in taking urgent action on climate change were Kevin, Penny and those from small developing countries excited by the prospect of a big cash handout.
Perhaps its just that Kevin and Penny have seen An Inconvenient Truth too many times or they haven’t yet seen the latest Newspoll.
Men of Action
Kevin and Obama are both heavily criticised for being all talk and no action. Perhaps action has become an unacceptable political risk undertaken only by carpetbaggers like George W Bush and Tony Abbott.
Tags: 9/11, Al Qaeda, Avatar, Barack Obama, Big Apple, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, George Brandis, George Bush, George W Bush, John Howard, John Terry, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Penny Wong, Serena Williams, The Iraq Inquiry, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Tony Blair
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Researchers have recently reached a definitive finding on whether sex leaves a carbon footprint. They concluded it only happened when practised by miners in certain positions.
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Tiger Woods is reportedly undergoing treatment at a sex addiction clinic. This raises a number of vital questions.
- Shouldn’t he be in a sex abstinence clinic?
- Wouldn’t it help his treatment if all the hostesses and cocktail waitresses of his acquaintance were also treated there?
- It obviously won’t help him win the Mistresses but will it give him a better chance of winning the Masters?
- If as a result of the treatment he gives up sex entirely will this help or hinder reconciliation prospects with his wife?
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Strong retaliatory measures are being considered following the news that Russian ice-dancers are wearing aboriginal gear. These are likely to include a ban on the export of witchetty grubs to Russia and also a ban on the Russian winter Olympics Team competing in the Northern Territory.
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Experts have been warning for some time that Australia can expect a flood of climate change refugees. In view of the appalling weather conditions in the UK it seems certain that the first wave will be Poms.
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The Iraq Inquiry has all the elements of a UK Labor Party trainwreck. It will be fascinating to find out who the Inquiry believes was driving it and which MPs were fellow travellers. Unfortunately Saddam Hussein couldn’t accept the Inquiry’s invitation to appear but he is undoubtedly there in spirit.
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A recent visit to the House of Lords at Westminster confirmed that members are still in the habit of taking a nap during debates. If only certain members of the Senate in Canberra could follow suit the place would become far more productive.
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Kevin is planning to spend so much time overseas this year that by carefully co-ordinating your own programme of international travel it should be possible to miss him for the whole year.
Tags: Climate Change, House of Lords, Kevin Rudd, Russian Winter Olympics team, Saddam Hussein, Senators, The Iraq Inquiry, Tiger Woods, UK Labor Party
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Since she’s become NSW Premier Kristina Keneally has toured the major disaster zones in the state such as drought-stricken areas, fire-ravaged areas and the NSW Labor Party.
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The whaling protesters’ boat the Sea Shepherd is registered in NZ. Its normal job is rounding up sheep that have gone swimming in Auckland Harbour.
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The terminology of climate change is becoming clearer. The high temperatures in Melbourne and Adelaide are signs of global warming but the arctic weather right across the Northern Hemisphere is an extreme weather condition.
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Jennifer Hawkins the Australian supermodel took her gear off to prove that her body wasn’t perfect. Most men however remained unconvinced.
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Local authorities are currently considering whether the housing shortages around London can be eased through igloo developments.
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There are moves afoot to establish a body charged with monitoring the outcomes of promises made by politicians during election campaigns. Some people still get taken in by them and even expect them to be honoured.
Incredibly there were people who actually believed Kevin when he promised to monitor petrol and grocery prices and others believed Obama when he promised healthcare bill negotiations would be seen on C-Span.
The sad truth is that politicians’ promises are like returning officers, they only count at elections.
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Gordon Brown says he is confident his personal qualities will see him re-elected as the UKs Prime Minister. He must be planning some sort of transplant operation.
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Climate change sceptics are waiting with bated breath for Peter Garrett’s take on the arctic weather conditions in the Northern Hemisphere. He could claim its because of global warming, despite global warming, global warming is in recession or it is now temporarily concentrated around Melbourne and Adelaide.
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Tags: Auckland, Barack Obama, Climate Change, drought, Gordon Brown, Japanese whaling, Jennifer Hawkins, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, NSW Labor Party, Obama Healthcare, Obamacare, Peter Garrett, Sea Shepherd
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Whales have started to protest over the Japanese treatment of the Ady Gill crew. So far this season the Japanese have scored more crew members than whales.
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There are reports that international airlines were studying a number of suggestions that there should be fireworks displays on planes at midnight on New Year’s Eve. There have been discontinued following the discovery that they all came from Al Qaeda.
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According to leaked emails climate scientists are now convinced that the arctic weather right across the Northern Hemisphere is caused by carbon emissions. Apparently they form a greenhouse effect which traps cold air close to the earth’s surface.
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Security personnel doing pre-flight passenger checks at airports confirm that while nudists make their job a whole lot easier even in those cases there is no absolute guarantee of a safe passage.
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NSW Labor MPs are all getting more pay for going on parliamentary committees. This is taxpayer funds well spent. It’s when they’re let loose on their own that they become dangerous.
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There’s been a coup in the UK Labor Party to try to get Gordon Brown thrown out of No.10 before the next election. Fortunately this selfish initiative did not succeed. It would have deprived voters the ultimate democratic satisfaction of throwing him out themselves.
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January in Australia demonstrates once again that considerably less disasters happen when politicians are away on overseas study tours. They’re also such a worthwhile way to spend taxpayer funds.
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What’s more the one and a half million dollars it cost to send the Australian climate change delegation to the Copenhagen Conference was money well spent. It allowed us a blessed respite to consider rationally whether the ETS is a bigger threat than global warming.
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Tags: Ady Gill, airport security, Al Qaeda, Climate Change, Copenhagen, ETS, Gordon Brown, Japanese whaling, NSW Labor Government, UK Labor Party
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Cruise ships have started calling at Christmas Island. This provides an exciting opportunity for real progress on the asylum seeker issue. People smugglers are already reported to be in negotiation with a cruise ship company with a view to delivering two thousand asylum seekers at a time.
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Gitmo detainees are shortly to fly to new digs in Illinois. Hopefully pre-flight security screening will be more thorough than for Northwest flights out of Amsterdam.
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Climate change scientists briefing politicians in China, Brazil, India, Russia and South Africa obviously have a different perspective on global warming than the ones briefing Kevin, Obama and Al Gore. It must be nice to get a convenient truth for a change.
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President Zuma has just married a third wife and has a fourth in his sights. There is no information on how many husbands they have.
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The UK parliamentary expenses scandal will result in a record number of new MPs being elected there in March. Commentators are confident that expenses rorts will not recur for at least six years because that’s how long on average it takes an MP to learn to do them properly.
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The local drug barons will be invited to attend the next Climate Change Conference in Mexico City. They will deliver a paper on how their products cause people round the world to stop emiting carbon altogether.
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China has officially blamed global warming for the heavy snowfalls around Beijing. It’s only a matter of time before the record lows across the Northern Hemisphere are also blamed on global warming and climate scientists discover that the polar ice-caps are responsible for soaring temperatures in Madagascar.
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Two questions on climate change policy for Kevin and Penny.
If people on low incomes get refunds well in excess of their increased energy charges caused by the ETS wont this encourage them to use more electricity rather than less?
Why is Australia contributing billions of dollars to help small developing countries reduce their carbon emissions when according to UN data they are only emitting a piddling percentage of the world’s total output?
Tags: Al Gore, Amsterdam, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, global warming, Kevin Rudd, Obama, Penny Wong, people smugglers, President Zuma
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