Articles from Carbon Emissions
Unconscious Decisions
Doctor’s are delighted that Kevin and Nicola Roxon have become such frequent visitors to hospitals. They have recognised them as the clinically preferred way of sending patients into an induced coma.
Once Bitten
The Apple Isle has appeal on the outside, is quite sweet on the inside but its politics are enough to give you the pip.
Waste Measurement
Responding to criticism that his asylum seeker policy is all at sea, his ETS policy has gone cold, his BER programme has failed the test, his home insulation scheme has burnt out and his hospitals scheme is the wrong medicine, Kevin challenged Tony Abbott to come up with policies which are a better waste of money.
Conservation Consternation
The Greens in Tasmania have taken steps to ensure the Bartlett doesn’t become extinct. Even environmentalists are puzzled as to why they would want to preserve this devious creature as a premier species.
A People Person
Tony Burke has become Australia’s first Population Minister. He will be spending most of his time counting arrivals at maternity wards and Christmas Island. Population growth is simply a matter of course, the people smugglers’ course and intercourse.
Severe Weather Warning
Scientists believe the next global warming disaster will be the re-emergence of Penny Wong with a new ETS.
Afghans Hounded
In a brilliant pre-emptive move Kevin has thwarted the Taliban plan to take over Afghanistan by forcing the rest of the population to migrate to Australia.
Working Themselves to a Standstill
Responding to the news that motorists had been abandoned for up to ten hours in the F3 Motorway traffic foul-up, the NSW Government said it wasn’t their responsibility because you can’t expect the premier or the transport minister to be responsible, the incident proved their theory that by reducing traffic speeds to 1km per hour you improved road safety, their counter-flow system worked brilliantly when it was introduced eight hours after the accident and get stuffed and go by train next time.
Tags: Afghanistan, Apple Isle, asylum seekers, Bartlett, BER, Christmas Island, environmentalists, ETS, global warming, home insulation scheme, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Nicola Roxon, NSW Government, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Sydney traffic problems, Taliban, the Greens, Tony Abbott, Tony Burke
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A Suitable Case for Treatment
Following Obama’s visit to Afghanistan there’s no word yet on whether the Taliban have agreed to adopt his healthcare plan.
Not Holy Satisfactory
It is fascinating that Tony, who is at least the equal of Kevin in god-bothering, is never photographed outside a catholic church. Perhaps its just that no-one is willing to be photographed outside a catholic church these days except the police.
Drought Relief
Obama walks on water, Tony swims in it and Kevin passes it.
Very New Testament
On Q&A this week Tony expressed the view that we should treat asylum seekers as Jesus would have done but perhaps without the emphasis on going forth and multiplying.
See You Later Navigator
It is reported that the first communication from the crew of the Chinese ship which crashed into the Barrier Reef was ‘Is this Christmas Island?’
Frequent Cyclist
Tony Abbott’s objective on the 9 day Pollie Pedal between Melbourne and Sydney is to try and beat Jetstar’s slowest ever time for the trip.
Not Out of the Woods Yet
The Pope reportedly has no plans to consult Tiger Woods about sex addiction treatment for priests.
Going Round in Ever Increasing Circles
The true meaning of Building the Education Revolution is making the schools stimulus money go round to more people.
Tags: Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Barrier Reef, Catholic Church, Chinese ship, Christmas Island, drought, education revolution, healthcare, healthcare plan, Jesus, Jetstar, Kevin Rudd, New Testament, sex addiction, Taliban, The Pope, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott
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An Unfair Slug
Tony’s path to success in the debate against Kevin was littered with worm droppings.
No Excuses
Kristina’s mother told her it was only polite to say ‘excuse me’ before interrupting someone. She should have told her that interrupting a politician is a public service.
Doing the Ironing
Last Sunday Tony swam 3.8 kms, cycled 180 kms and ran 42.2 kms. Kevin was in church praying for a shark, a puncture or for someone to forget the powerade.
Cardboard Cutout
Kevin is now training for a Paperman Event which comprises wading through files, recycling and doing a print run.
Stuff Happens
Countries which give stuff are the US, UK and Australia. Iran, Venezuela and North Korea are countries which don’t give a stuff.
Coming for a Song
Congratulations to Kevin for surpassing John Howard’s record of fourteen asylum seeker boats in a month. Experts believe he could double that number by processing asylum seekers at Opera House matinees. In fact it could be a very long-running production with heavy advance bookings particularly from Indonesia.
Not Wong
Penny Wong told us that if parliament didn’t pass the ETS legislation before Christmas we could expect all manner of disasters. She was right but she didn’t tell us they would be as disastrous as the home insulation scheme and building the education revolution.
Brass band
John Howard was the Man of Steel, Tony Abbott is the Ironman but Kevin is yet to show his mettle.
Tags: asylum seekers, education revolution, ETS, home insulation scheme, Indonesia, Iran, Ironman, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Man of Steel, North Korea, Penny Wong, recycling, Tony Abbott, UK, US, Venezuela
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No longer in their prime
It’s so stimulating when former prime ministers re-enter the political debate.
After a long pregnancy Malcolm Fraser has finally gone into Labor. John Howard is claiming that Tony Abbott is his clone and has sparked an urgent undercover mission to find and destroy the laboratory responsible.
Paul Keating is all bananas and no republic.
Fair and unbalanced
There was a wonderful interlude recently on Lateline. See: http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/201003/r533047_3045728.asx
Tony Jones asked Stephen Conroy the Minister for Communications if he knew anyone at the ABC who was prejudiced against climate change sceptics. Incredibly Stephen answered in the negative. They obviously haven’t been introduced.
Canberra confidential
The Federal Government is refusing to release the Henry Tax Review and the National Broadband Network Review. If early indications are anything to go by they’re welcome to keep the Budget to themselves as well.
It’s really the pits
Hillary cancelled, Yudhoyono postponed once and now Obama’s done it twice. Surely it’s time Kevin’s best friend took him aside for some personal advice.
Acting minister
The home insulation scheme tragedy is now into its second act. As Arts Minister Peter Garrett should fund a stage production.
Termination of terminals
The Sydney Metro was Nathan Rees’ conception but Kristina exercised a woman’s choice by opting for a half billion dollar abortion.
There’s no accounting for it
Obama managed to get the healthcare bill passed but paying it could send the US bankrupt.
Worm droppings
In the great hospitals debate it was sad that the worm didn’t find Tony’s crack about Kevin being the parliamentary anaesthetist at all amusing. Furthermore it was most noticeable that from that point the worm went to sleep while Tony was talking.
Tags: ABC, abortion, Barack Obama, healthcare, Henry Tax Review, Hillary Clinton, home insulation scheme, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Lateline, Malcolm Fraser, Nathan Rees, Paul Keating, Peter Garrett, President Obama, Stephen Conroy, Sydney Metro, the Worm, Tony Abbott, Tony Jones, US bankrupt, Yudhoyono
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Street Wear
When he’s out promoting school hall building programmes Kevin wears a hard hat and he wears surgeon’s gear when he’s talking up his hospitals plan. What on earth will he wear to announce his policy for brothels?
Swearing Out Ceremony
There is a move in California to legislate against foul language. This is indicative that the State Treasury is only slightly more bankrupt than Californian English.
Blocker
The Labor Government wheeled out Stephen Conroy, Jennie Macklin, Penny Wong, Lindsay Tanner and Nicola Roxon for a media conference to moan about Tony Abbott blocking things. These are the architects of the disastrous Telstra plan, the laughable Aboriginal Housing Scheme, the ETS, the debt and deficit and the half-baked hospitals plan. Keep up the good work Tony.
Welcome to the Asylum
News that Yudhoyono is going to arrest people smugglers opens up the prospect of a real earner for the federal government. They could offer asylum seekers a cruise from Indonesia to Christmas Island on the Oceanic Viking for only five thousand dollars. This is less than the people smugglers charge, would earn unstinted praise from Amnesty International and could encourage Hyatt Hotels to build a decent pad on Christmas Island.
Travelling by Tube
It was disappointing to hear that Lara’s engagement ring had gone down the toilet especially, as now seems likely, she was wearing it at the time.
Unsuitable Treatment
It turned really frosty in Sydney when Kevin dropped in to talk to Kristina about hospitals. This was obviously another disastrous effect of climate change.
Non-Stop Motoring
Experts advise that you should only engage cruise control on Toyota vehicles if you’re low on petrol and on a long trip down a straight motorway.
Obama Drama
It looks like Obama wont be coming to Australia until his healthcare bill has been passed. He’s blaming Tony Abbott for blocking it in the Senate.
Tags: Aboriginal Housing Scheme, Amnesty International, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, Health, healthcare, healthcare bill, hospitals, Hyatt Hotels, Indonesia, Jennie Macklin, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Labor Government, Labour Party, Lara Bingle, Lindsay Tanner, Nicola Roxon, Oceanic Viking, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Peter Costello, Stephen Conroy, Telstra, Tony Abbott, Toyota, Yudhoyono
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No Interest
No wonder the Reserve Bank doesn’t have any customers. It’s always the first to raise interest rates.
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Full Montys
Everyone who turned up at the Opera House with their gear off had parts in the mass nude shoot. Most of them were private.
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The Right Prescription
Kevin’s hospitals plan is very timely. People are beginning to get sick of him.
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A Suitable Case for Treatment
State governments running hospitals are not good for our health, the federal-state shared responsibility structure is a bigger health threat than smoking, and giving Nicola Roxon sole charge of hospitals would make Peter Garrett look like an expert on safety in the home.
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A Candidate for Premier
It is difficult to ascertain if Michelle Chantelois is a candidate in the upcoming South Australian election. Most commentators, however, agree that she’s an also-Rann.
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A Really Sorry Day
Political strategists believe it will be another six months before Kevin starts apologising for his hospitals plan.
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The Name Game
Hugo Chavez recently called Hillary Clinton ‘the blond Condoleezza’. How outrageous. The next thing he‘ll be calling Obama ‘the black George W Bush’.
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Bad Taste
Following his sojourn in the outback Tony Abbott is undecided about which left the nastier taste in his mouth, Malcolm crossing the floor or witchetty grubs.
Tags: Barack Obama, Condoleezza Rice, George W Bush, Health, healthcare, Hillary Clinton, hospitals, Hugo Chavez, interest rates, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Michelle Chantelois, Mike Rann, Nicola Roxon, Opera House, Peter Garrett, President of US, RBA, Sorry, Tony Abbott, witchetty grubs
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The Face of Labor
The NSW Government’s latest cunning plan is to present themselves as the Kristina Party rather than Labor. The new advertising campaign is reportedly having no impact in raising voter support for the Labor Government but it could result in Kristina getting loads of invitations to do centrefolds for men’s magazines.
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Top Spin
Kevin didn’t apologise when the home insulation scheme horrors first came to light and he didn’t apologise for Peter Garrett’s stuff-ups or six thousand lost jobs. He finally apologised when the spin doctors convinced him that he was on a sticky wicket which would take spin.
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A New League of Their Own
If you happen to see drunks assaulting people in pubs or urinating in the street don’t be alarmed; they are merely the traditional signs that a new rugby league season is about to begin.
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Weak Support
The week before Kevin fired Peter Garrett he said ‘I support Minister Garrett this week and I’ll still support him next week’. Yes it’s true what they say about a week in politics.
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Dynamic Duo
A night club in Sydney is reported to have insulation problems. Seems like a case of Peter Garrett meets Tiger Woods.
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Browned Off
If Gordon Brown is no longer the UK Prime Minister after the upcoming election he has the qualifications for a range of other top jobs like the President of Venezuela, Zimbabwe or Iran. Bully for him.
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Not Sorry For Himself
On Q&A last Monday, Peter Garrett said he hadn’t done anything he should apologise for and seemed non-plussed that Kevin had apologised for him. He doesn’t seem to realise what a sorry figure he has become although he might apologise for Kevin.
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House Rules
Now that we’ve got Peter Garrett out of our roofs the next challenge is getting Tony Abbott out of our bedrooms.
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Tags: Gordon Brown, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, NSW Government, NSW Labor Government, NSW Labour Government, Peter Garrett, rugby league, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, UK Prime Minister
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Putt and Take
Tiger Woods is reportedly making a comeback later this year. No word yet on which nightclub it will be at.
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Life’s a Beach
Environmentalists are concerned that the rising tide of ETS dissent could erode Penny Wong and wash her away.
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Doomsday Scenario
The International Atomic Energy Agency has expressed concern that Peter Garrett might one day become the Australian minister responsible for the development of nuclear power stations.
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The Love of Sport
If sex becomes an Olympic sport will Tiger Woods switch codes?
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Getting Better
Obama has taken steps to involve Republicans in developing his healthcare plan. The aborigines could teach him more about bush medicine than George.
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Poor Batting
The Government’s insulation debacle has had a marked effect on house design. Nobody wants a garret in their roof anymore.
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Dear John
Now it turns out that just like Andrew Peacock and Peter Costello, Malcolm Fraser can’t stand John Howard either. But on the other hand there’s George W. Bush and Tony Abbott who think John is great while no one’s even bothered to ask Mark Latham yet and he’s normally very liberal with his opinions.
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Insulated from Terrorism
There was intense debate in federal parliament this week about whether the home insulation scheme was a bigger threat to the community than home-grown terrorism. It’s a close run thing but Friday Mash sincerely believes the Federal Government is less of a threat than Al Qaeda.
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Tags: Al Qaeda, Andrew Peacock, Barack Obama, ETS, George W Bush, Insulation, John Howard, Mark Latham, Obama Healthcare, Penny Wong, Peter Costello, Peter Garrett, Republicans, Terrorism, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, US President
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Great Mate
Peter Garrett has demonstrated an ability to expostulate, discombobulate, encapsulate, recapitulate, articulate, vacillate, ululate, miscalculate, emasculate, dissimulate, gesticulate, confabulate, manipulate but alas not insulate.
Valentine Shock
If you received a Valentine Card from Kevin don’t panic, it was just part of his new stimulation package.
Oh Heavens it’s Kevin
There’s growing concern amongst health authorities at the spread of Kevin Fatigue Syndrome. Sufferers can experience frightening symptoms such as Julia Gillard beginning to look quite attractive. Spokesmen are confident however that the standard treatment comprising earplugs and blindfolds will prove effective. Labor Party heavies are said to be quite concerned that Julia herself might contract it and begin to see herself as more attractive than Kevin.
Retro Metro
The NSW Labor Government have shown themselves to be passionate metrosexuals. There’s lots of metro bonking with a number of premature withdrawals but no sign of a climax.
A Heavy Crossing to Bear
The NSW Government caused universal astonishment by rejecting proposals from two organisations to privatise the Sydney Harbour Ferries and opting to maintain the status quo. They had arguably come to the realisation that a ferry service which is profitable, on-time and free from the daily risk of crashing into Circular Quay would be a threat to their toll revenue on the Harbour Bridge.
See You Later Insulator
Kevin has done such a brilliant job insulating Peter Garrett he’s the obvious choice to go out and fix some houses.
Fairyland
During his appearance on television wearing a crown and tutu and carrying a wand Joe Hockey appeared not so much like Tinkerbell and more like the Magic Pudding.
Up the Poll
According to the polls voters are going off Kevin in droves. They must have batts in the belfry.
Tags: Joe Hockey, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, NSW Government, NSW Labor Government, Peter Garrett, Sydney Harbour Ferries
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Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen
Kevin took 114 delegates to the Copenhagen Conference. Friday Mash can now confirm there were no fatalities on this mission and all have returned safely. Some delegates however reportedly suffered hypothermia, a couple had mental breakdowns trying to make sense of it all and one was rescued from a snowdrift by a great dane.
The Greatest Moral Challenge of our Time
Tony Abbott is keen that his Emissions Reduction Fund should retain its virginity as long as possible and is determined to stop Kevin stuffing it.
Thanks a Trillion
A White House spokesman has confirmed that Obama wont be bringing the US debt to Australia. China owns such a large part of of it they insist he leaves it there for safe keeping while he’s overseas.
Unseasonal Greetings
Despite rumours that he is planning to seek asylum in Australia immigration authorities will not insist Obama travels here from Indonesia via Christmas Island. On the other hand there is still a widespread view that his first coming in Australia should be at Christmas.
A Case of Whether
The good news for Australia on climate change is that NZ now has an ETS up and running. Obviously the sensible thing for Kevin to do is check whether it has any effect on global warming before trying to launch one here.
Tally Ban
Following an extensive research study the Taliban will not be fielding any candidates in the NSW State Election in 2011. Surprisingly the study showed they were even less popular than the current Labor Government.
Floored
Consistent with Kevin’s beneficence in providing jobs for opposition members it is expected that after Malcolm crosses the floor to vote for the ETS he will be offered the job of cleaning it.
Rejoyce
It is difficult to understand why Wayne Swan and Lindsay Tanner are so critical of Barnaby Joyce. He’s helping the Labor Government immeasurably more than they are.
Tags: Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Christmas Island, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, Debt, Emissions Reduction Fund, ETS, global warming, immigration, Kevin Rudd, Lindsay Tanner, Malcolm Turnbull, NSW Labor Government, NSW State Election, President of USA, Taliban, Tony Abbott, US debt, virginity, Wayne Swan
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