The Dick Head Interview with Julia Gillard

Politicians go out of their way as far as possible to avoid being interviewed by our Canberra correspondent Dick Head.

Julia had the bad luck to accidentally sit next to him at a Canberra coffee shop.

Here is a transcript of his off the record interview made available exclusively and in strictest confidence to Mashmates.

‘Now Julia’ said Dick ‘you’ve really stuffed-up on climate change. Who was the loony who came up with the Citizens Assembly thing?’

‘It’s a brilliant concept I came up with’ said Julia ‘to do something positive about doing sod-all. If I’d reintroduced the ETS Kevin and Al Gore would be doing victory laps all round the country. But I’ll stack the Citizens Assembly with greenies, listen carefully to their conclusions and then do whatever it takes to stay ahead in the opinion polls.

‘I can’t believe’ said Dick ‘you are dumb-assed enough to try and build another asylum seeker processing centre in East Timor when we already have one in Nauru’

‘I see your point’ said Julia ‘but John Howard built that one and I can’t be seen to be doing anything as irresponsible as following his policies. I’d consider Nauru if I was moving backwards and hadn’t got any money to waste on another centre’

‘How on earth’ asked Dick ‘are you going to manage the country’s economy without Lindsay Tanner? I mean you haven’t got a clue about it and by 2013 Wayne won’t know whether he’s surplus, topless or shitless’

‘Well’ said Julia ‘I’ll probably ask Mark Arbib and Bill Shorten to take a stab at it behind Wayne’s back’

‘And you’re not much chop at foreign affairs are you?’ said Dick ‘I mean fancy phoning Ramos Horta about that processing centre in East Timor’

‘That was an extremely clever ploy’ said Julia ‘If I’d phoned Xanana Gusmao he’d have pissed himself laughing’

‘And what about the miners?’ asked Dick ‘You’ve got a right mess on your hands. You did a deal with the big three, pissed off all the rest and now they’re restarting their vitriolic ad campaign’

‘Well Dick’ said Julia ‘I wouldn’t put it exactly like that. I’m already raising 10.5 billion for the good of everyone in Australia except the mining industry. And if Wayne hadn’t stuffed up the sums he’d already stuffed up it could have been 24 billion. And when they restart their campaign it will only confirm to people that they should be bled to the point where they can’t afford anti-government advertising campaigns’

‘Now’ said Dick ‘moving forward what are you going to do about Kevin?’

‘Christ knows’ said Julia ‘I’m praying that he gets a full-time job at the United Nations. Is he doesn’t I’ll offer to pay them to take him on. If that fails I’ll have to grit my teeth, make him foreign minister and see if BP can supply the right plug to stop him leaking.

‘And now’ said Dick ‘what is your main priority moving forward?’

‘To get you to stop using that stupid ‘moving forward’ line’ said Julia ‘You don’t know how irritating it is’