The Dick Head Interview

with Tony Abbott

Dick Head, our Canberra correspondent is the man who gets answers. His irresponsible interviewing style has driven politicians mad for years.

The interview with Tony Abbott took place at a seedy bar in Manly. It was strictly off the record but Dick took the wholly irresponsible decision to make it available to Mashmates and their confidantes.

‘Thank you Tony’ said Dick ‘mine’s a double. Isn’t that climate change policy of yours a load of crap?’

‘Of course’ said Tony ‘it’s carefully designed to get the shit off the stage. But when the public find out that global warming is about as real as Wayne’s budget surplus I’ll be a hero for saving them from a massive tax’

‘But what if global warming turns out to be the greatest moral challenge of our generation?’ asked Dick

‘I’ll take holy orders’ said Tony ‘and become a Greens senator from Tasmania’

‘Why don’t you stop farting around on Work Choices?’ demanded Dick ‘you’re obviously going to re-introduce it if you’re elected’

‘That’s true’ said Tony ‘but the only way I can re-introduce Work Choices is by being elected and to achieve that I’ve got to promise not to re-introduce it’

‘So your promise not to re-introduce Work Choices means stuff-all’ said Dick

‘It means’ said Tony ‘that I will honour that promise right up to the time I’m elected. You can’t expect election promises to apply after an election’

‘That’s bullshit’ said Dick ‘that means punters shouldn’t believe any promise you make during the election campaign’

‘Of course they should’ said Tony ‘I’ve got a perfect record of never reneging on an election promise before an election. But people must understand that while election promises are an invaluable guide on how they should vote there’s no way they will be relevant when we get into office and understand what’s really needed’

‘Isn’t it your shout?’ asked Dick ‘yes thanks I’ll have another double. So what about your pissant promise to dump the new mining tax?’

‘Cast iron guarantee’ said Tony ‘The tax won’t be up and running when I become prime minister so that’s one promise I’m bound to keep’

‘Aren’t your front-bench a load of deadbeats?’ asked Dick

‘Pretty much’ said Tony ‘Nobody’s heard of Warren Truss, Julie says more stupid things than I do, Barnaby Joyce is so bitchy he’ll soon become Joyce Barnaby, Christopher Pyne needles everybody but Joe Hockey could make two of Wayne Swan’

‘Aren’t you worried that the public see you as a larrikin loose cannon?’ asked Dick

‘No’ said Tony ‘because I never actually became a priest. They see me as a straight-shooter’

‘Do you think you’ll score a bull’s eye on Julia?’ asked Dick

‘No’ said Tony ‘that’s an impossibility when you’re shooting at a horse’s ass. Oh sorry I was going to get you a double’

‘Well in the spirit of the election campaign’ said Dick ‘the truth is I asked for a treble’

Tags: Barnaby Joyce humour, Christopher Pyne, Climate Change, Dick Head, ETS, Joe Hockey humour, Julia Gillard humour, Julie Bishop, mining tax, Tony Abbott satire, Warren Truss, Wayne Swan satire, Work Choices

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 22nd, 2010 at 11:02 pm and is filed under Canberra correspondent - Dick Head, Election Sanity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.