Three of the world’s greatest ever politicians have graduated to become global guardians of world best political practice. Whenever or wherever politicians prove to be prunes, pinheads or pikers, Bush, Blair and Howard are on watch, ready to restore them with ruthless resolve back to political correctness.

Case No 7 – Nick Clegg

At the latest Polliewatch Global Standards Committee meeting great concern was expressed about Nick Clegg.

It was noted that he used to be such an earnest young politician full of burning zeal to change the world. However since the Conservative Party sent him for treatment at the knacker’s yard he conveys the impression that something’s missing.

The committee came to the unanimous view that Nick was in need of urgent attention to restore him to the path of world best political practice. Accordingly they decided that the crack Polliewatch enforcement team of Bush, Blair Howard should be assigned to his case.

Just forty-eight hours later Bush, Blair Howard were being ushered into the Deputy Prime Minister’s office at the House of Commons.

‘Jolly nice of you chaps to pay me a visit’ said Nick

‘We’re the principals of Polliewatch’ said Bush ‘the international agency dedicated to the implementation of world best political practice

‘Well you’ve come to the right place for advice’ said Nick

‘Actually Nick’ said Blair ‘we’re here to help you. We believe that since going into Coalition with the Conservatives you’ve abrogated your responsibility to uphold world best political practice and you don’t believe in anything anymore’

‘That’s absolute tosh’ responded Nick ‘I believe totally in plastering over the cracks in the Coalition and hanging on to the Deputy PM’s gig until the next election’

‘But what about your former belief in the Lib Dem principles of fairness?’ asked Howard

‘Oh come on be reasonable’ responded Nick ‘you can’t expect me to believe in fairness while I’m committed to a Coalition with the Conservatives’

‘So do you believe in Conservative Party policies?’ asked Bush

‘Well sort of’ replied Nick ‘but not as much as Lib Dem policies’

‘But is there anything the government’s doing at the moment’ asked Blair ‘that you actually believe in?’

‘I think it’s fair to say’ replied Nick ‘that as the Deputy Prime Minister I believe in Coalition policy far more than I do in my role as the leader of the Lib Dems’

‘So what will you do at the next election?’ asked Howard

‘I’ll start strongly believing in Lib Dem policies again’ replied Nick ‘and campaigning on the fact that Coalition policies haven’t worked’

‘Unfortunately Nick’ said Bush ‘you’ve confirmed our worst fears. You’re about as close to world best political practice as Ed Miliband is to his brother’

‘We’re immediately putting you on a crash course in world best political practice’ said Blair ‘Our first step is to develop a policy for you that you actually believe in’

‘I’ve got it’ said Howard ‘free sex for the unemployed. They receive a government voucher each week which is accepted at all government approved knocking shops’

‘Brilliant’ said Nick ‘that’s the sort of progressive social policy I’ve been trying to believe in for years. It could even make unemployment socially acceptable’

One month later the Nick Clegg file was stamped ‘case solved’ at Polliewatch HQ after Bush Blair Howard became convinced Nick actually believed in the policy because it brought the unemployed and the employed so closely together .