‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’

If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.

‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’

‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’

‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’

‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’

‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.

‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’

‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.

‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’

‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?

‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’

‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George

‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’

‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’

Back from two brilliantly successful assignments in the US Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to find space on a wall overlooking an emergency meeting of Kevin’s spin doctors.  Here is his exclusive report.

‘This insulation thing’s an absolute disaster’ said Greg ‘We can’t unload any of the blame onto Malcolm or Tony.  What the hell are we going to do about it?’

‘I think we should re-emphasise Kevin’s commitment to working families’ said Brendan

‘Are you kidding?’ snapped Greg ‘most of them are cowering in their homes frightened their roof is about to catch fire’

‘Perhaps this is the time’ said Sharon ‘to introduce a new idiosyncratic Kevin phrase like ‘systemic programmatic specificities’

‘Perhaps this is the time Shaz for you to get a job with Tony Abbott’ said Greg

‘I’ve got it’ said Brendan ‘we should package Kevin as the Global Statesman’

Illustration: Jim Pavlidis (The Age)

‘They’re not going to buy it’ said Greg ‘Copenhagen was an unmitigated Kevin disaster, nobody can understand what he’s talking about in China even when he talks in English and he’s just sent an ambassador to Washington in a wheelchair’

‘Bingo’ said Sharon ‘Kevin 07 plus 3.  The man who saved Australia from a complete insulation disaster by taking the courageous and fearless decision to fire Peter Garrett.

‘Too dangerous’ said Greg ‘he’ll probably have to save Australia from further disasters by courageously and fearlessly firing Nicola Roxon and Stephen Conroy and then maybe the public will start thinking its time to courageously and fearlessly fire Kevin.  Hold that thought on Kevin 07 plus 3 though.  That’s interesting’

‘I’ve had an idea’ said Brendan ‘Obama’s coming here soon.  Perhaps we could persuade him to call Kevin the Wizard of Oz or something’

‘Too dangerous’ said Greg ‘he might get mixed up and call him the Tin Man or the Man of Tin’

‘I know’ said Sharon ‘the Action Man’

‘Oh please’ said Greg ‘That’s just the point.  He hasn’t done anything except hand out money’

‘But’ said Sharon ‘we could portray him as the Super Action Man who takes on and defeats Action Man Abbott’

‘Oh sure’ said Greg ‘I can just see Kevin poleaxing Tony in a boxing ring or wearing budgie smugglers.  On Kevin they’d look more like tadpole smugglers’

‘Ok smarty’ said Sharon ‘what’s your brilliant idea then? If we don’t come up with a new spin strategy soon there’s a danger the public will begin to see Kevin as he really is.

‘My key spin strategy is to get Kevin to accept responsibility for the insulation disaster’ said Greg ‘The public will appreciate the gesture but nobody will seriously believe its his fault.  Then to reinforce that belief he should fire Peter’

‘Brilliant’ said Sharon ‘we can then spin him as the mea culpa prime minister.  The public will suss its Kevin selflessly taking the blame for his incompetent minister’

‘And if it works for insulation’ said Brendan ‘it can work for hospitals, the national broadband network, the ETS …’

‘Yes alright’ said Greg ‘ Let’s get Kevin in to brief him on the mea culpa prime minister spin strategy and Shaz ring Kerry O’Brien to book a date to launch it on The 7.30 Report.

Commentators have marvelled at the absolute consistency between the nine plans and have confidently forecast that the ninth will have exactly the same non-effect in solving Sydney traffic problems as all the rest of them.

The Labor Government seems incapable of grasping that plans in themselves are not enough, but traffic experts have sounded a note of caution pointing out that, given the government’s track record, doing nothing is probably the preferred option.

The latest plan has been dubbed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’. Sydney commentators were quick to point out it conforms to the first part of the slogan on which the government was elected ‘More to do but moving in the right direction’ but doesn’t promote movement in any direction let alone the right one.

A key underlying objective of ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ seems to be isolating Western Sydney from the CBD and encouraging it to become a suburb of Melbourne. The new Aussie Rules franchise out there could be the first step in the transfer to be finalised by 2020 when it will be quicker to travel to Melbourne from Bankstown than to the Sydney CBD.

The Government is obviously concerned that if they provide Sydney commuters with a coherent road network they will abandon the daily torture of train travel in droves and leap into their cars. This would upset the delicate balance in transport chaos, resulting in the new road network becoming hopelessly gridlocked and obliging the government to finally fund a decent rail service.

Tourists visiting the world’s number one travel destination should be warned not to expect much touring. They need to understand that the local transport system is carefully designed to ensure they’ll enjoy their visit far more by staying in one place.

One of the new plan’s great strengths is the provision of an exciting new revenue stream for the government. Motorists who are gridlocked on motorways for more than a few minutes could get parking fees deducted from their e-tag balance.

Despite its avowed metrosexuality the state government has made a premature withdrawal from the CBD Metro with no real prospect of a future climax or conception.

Environmentalists have hailed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ as a significant step in the fight against global warming. They are convinced it will achieve a huge reduction in Sydney’s carbon footprint by causing many commuters to abandon all hope of getting to the CBD and back in one day and employers to install office seats which convert into beds.

In desperation some clinicians have offered to provide stents to unblock the main Sydney traffic arteries. However there is another body of medical opinion which believes the correct treatment is a governmental enema.

The William St and Cross-city Tunnel debacles tend to confirm that the Labor Government actually doing something about Sydney’s transport problems would promote a sinking feeling akin to Peter Garrett being given responsibility for fixing Australia’s submarine fleet.

Sydneysiders may take comfort in the fact that the Government only has time for one more transport plan at the most and no time to do anything really disastrous.

Kristina will be staying in Wonderland and just like the rest of us will not be going anywhere in a hurry.

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

5th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

It’s been a terrible week here and I feel so sorry for poor Kevin.

I know its been such a strain on him claiming to be perfect all the time but I’m having trouble suddenly adjusting to the fact he’s stuffed up.

You know how Tony Abbott’s always going on about what a non-event he is, well Kevin’s started to agree with him.

As I said to Neville this is just like his mother agreeing with everything I say about her, the old cow. Oops, sorry I always get carried away when I think about her.

Kevin is admitting his mob have totally ballsed up the home insulation scheme, hospitals and supplying school kids with computers. Next he’ll be thanking Tony for helping him understand what a failure he is.

It’s a good job you’re coming to visit him because I’m sure it will help give him a bit of confidence back. Why don’t you tell him when you did that mea culpa stuff in Europe and the Middle East it only helped people understand that the US was as bad as they’d always thought it was.

By the way while you’re here please don’t mention the ETS. Now you’re not doing one it will only make Kevin feel like a bit of a goose.

We’re still hopeful that you can visit the Club.The local bakery has promised us buns with stars and stripes icing.

I’m pretty sure the Eels have got a home game while you’re here. Neville and I are both members so there would be no problem getting you good tickets.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most profound issues facing this region “What is New Zealand’s future role in world affairs?” I wasn’t prepared for what followed.

Cyril reckoned it is the ideal place to test Tony Abbott’s latest idea for tackling global warming, a huge snow-making machine.

Marge said it should become the next centre for world terrorism and give the Middle East a chance to settle things down a bit.

Our Mavis’ Bert saw the country as the centre for another major initiative against global warming, the grass diet. Twenty-two million sheep can’t be wrong. He reckoned that the New Zealand diet is an issue which has been eating away at sheep for some time.

Mildred believed New Zealand offered the ideal environment for the world’s leading sex addiction academy. She should know, she’s a qualified instructor.

Ron thought it should be declared a Peter Garrett free zone because it was already insulated from the rest of the world.

Doris suggested that the Australian Government should launch an advertising campaign in Afghanistan and Sri Lanka promoting New Zealand as the preferred destination for asylum seekers.

Fred was convinced that New Zealand’s future role in world affairs was similar to having your head in the sand at the end of a bungee jump.

I summed it all up by saying that my Kiwi mates would never speak to me again if they heard what had been said. And please don’t mention anything to Kevin.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.

‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’

George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.

Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s

‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’

I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’

‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’

‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’

The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.

‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’

‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.

‘Is that all?’ asked George

‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’

‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George

‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’

‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’

‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’

‘There can’t be more’ said George

‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’

The Face of Labor
The NSW Government’s latest cunning plan is to present themselves as the Kristina Party rather than Labor. The new advertising campaign is reportedly having no impact in raising voter support for the Labor Government but it could result in Kristina getting loads of invitations to do centrefolds for men’s magazines.
…………………………………………

Top Spin
Kevin didn’t apologise when the home insulation scheme horrors first came to light and he didn’t apologise for Peter Garrett’s stuff-ups or six thousand lost jobs. He finally apologised when the spin doctors convinced him that he was on a sticky wicket which would take spin.
…………………………………………

A New League of Their Own
If you happen to see drunks assaulting people in pubs or urinating in the street don’t be alarmed; they are merely the traditional signs that a new rugby league season is about to begin.
…………………………………………

Weak Support
The week before Kevin fired Peter Garrett he said ‘I support Minister Garrett this week and I’ll still support him next week’. Yes it’s true what they say about a week in politics.
…………………………………………

Dynamic Duo
A night club in Sydney is reported to have insulation problems. Seems like a case of Peter Garrett meets Tiger Woods.
…………………………………………

Browned Off
If Gordon Brown is no longer the UK Prime Minister after the upcoming election he has the qualifications for a range of other top jobs like the President of Venezuela, Zimbabwe or Iran. Bully for him.
…………………………………………

Not Sorry For Himself
On Q&A last Monday, Peter Garrett said he hadn’t done anything he should apologise for and seemed non-plussed that Kevin had apologised for him. He doesn’t seem to realise what a sorry figure he has become although he might apologise for Kevin.
…………………………………………

House Rules
Now that we’ve got Peter Garrett out of our roofs the next challenge is getting Tony Abbott out of our bedrooms.
…………………………………………

‘Hey guys, I thought the apology went well’

‘Sure thing Mac’ said Huey ‘nice touch of yours about Buddhism. Do you think people spotted that Tiger didn’t write the apology himself?’

‘No way’ said Mac ‘who cares anyhow? The important objective is preserving the Tiger Woods brand. What do you think Carrie?’

‘Absolute brilliant Mac’ said Carrie ‘you guys who wrote the apology did a great job. But I wonder if that’s how Tiger really feels’

‘What do you mean?’ asked Mac ‘That’s what he agreed to say isn’t it?’

‘Yes I know’ said Carrie ‘but there have been reports that he’s been out with bimbos during his sex addiction treatment at the clinic’

‘Well maybe he had to do a bit of fieldwork’ said Mac ‘or maybe they’re weaning him off bimbos gradually. I mean you can’t expect him to go one hundred percent cold turkey’

‘Perhaps he’s had enough of golf’ suggested Huey

‘You have to be joking’ said Mac ‘besides we can’t afford to lose all that revenue. We need Tiger out there hitting the greens to make our profit forecast for the year’

‘No but seriously’ said Huey ‘he’s made all those billions and as he said in the apology he now feels he’s entitled to some matchplay off the golf course’

‘Wait a minute’ said Mac ‘the Tiger Woods brand which is the mark of our genius depicts a loving husband and father who is the world’s greatest golfer’

‘That’s history Mac’ said Carrie ‘you might get away with ‘loving father’ but ‘loving husband’ is about as believable as Sarah Palin becoming a porn movie star’

‘Talking of porn stars’ said Huey ‘you know that one Tiger used to go out with. She’s complaining that Tiger’s been unfaithful to her. Is she kidding? Don’t tell me she’s switched to making documentaries for National Geographic’

‘We’ve got to Tiger back on the golf circuit as soon as possible’ said Mac ‘golf needs it, the public needs it and our bottom line desperately needs it’

‘I’m beginning to think that his future aspirations will be more in the rough than on the fairways’ said Huey ‘I’ve got an idea. Let’s produce a new television series called Tiger and the Desperate Porn Stars. It would be an absolute smash hit and make us a lot more money than golf’

‘And Tiger will be eternally grateful to us’ said Carrie’ for helping him find his true destiny’. ’

‘You’re right’ said Mac ‘Come to think of it I’ve recently had the sort of feeling that Tiger’s ready for something different. I’ll ring up all those porn stars I know and Huey you ring up Tiger’s girlfriends. You’ve been out with all of them’

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

26th February 2010

Dear Mr President,

You are just not going to believe this. All four of those people who came to the Sarah Palin Roast and half-price beer night came back for our club meeting this week and are now paid up members. So that takes us to a total of twenty-two and there were actually twenty-three at the meeting because the cleaning lady stayed on.

Great excitement here this week over the government’s insulation scheme. It’s been a big shock to everyone and Peter Garrett’s in deep doodoo over it. Mind you it only goes to prove what I’ve always said. Greenies like Peter are great at stirring the possum but get them to organise something like batts in your belfry and they’re totally out of their environment.

You’re not going to believe this either. Tony Abbott’s given up sex for Lent. Neville said it was Mary MacKillop’s third miracle.

I saw Malcolm Turnbull on the telly last night and I can’t believe I’m saying this but he almost came across as likeable. You can’t help admiring him for supporting Kevin’s ETS although he probably hasn’t got the faintest idea what it’s all about just like the rest of us.

It doesn’t look like Malcolm will get a decent gig in the Coalition while the Mad Monk’s in charge so I hope Kevin finds a decent job for him. I wrote to him suggesting he should organise a new political party called the Don’t Knows. They’re already ahead of the Greens in the polls.

I had prepared to discuss some really profound international issues at the World Affairs Think Tank this week but all they wanted to talk about was the ETS and climate change. So I hastily changed the subject to ‘Climate Change, the ETS and ERF; are they all a con job?’

Cyril said he’d watched the weather forecast on Channel Nine News every day for over twenty years and there was no sign of the climate changing.

Marge said she hadn’t got a clue what the ETS is about. She couldn’t believe that the government wanted to charge everyone for smoke. She claimed her Alf blew smoke out of his backside at least twice a day and the ETS would make him unaffordable.

Our Mavis’ Bert said he had really tried hard to understand Tony Abbott’s ERF. He believed it was basically about persuading people to stay home in the dark, because electricity would be too expensive, and spend more time having sex as long as it wasn’t during Lent, with a catholic priest or with one of his daughters.

Mildred as usual was right on the money. She claimed that Copenhagen was a disaster because there’s no one size fit all climate change solution. Every country should decide what climate it wants and design an ETS or an ERF to make it happen. We should leave all the world stuff to Al Gore and also Kevin because obviously Australia doesn’t emit enough carbon to keep him fully interested.

I summed it all up by saying whatever our views we should all take part in Clean-up Australia this year. I couldn’t see what it’s got to do with climate change but I was sure there is a connection somewhere. What’s more this year there will be loads of waste batts to clean up.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

You can’t blame the Buck for being a bit miffed. The home insulation scheme is the stuff-up of the century but there’s no government co-operation in identifying the person it should stop at to perform its solemn public duty of apportioning the blame.

Kevin’s office is a designated Buck no-stopping zone and anyway it is inconceivable that the Buck should stop with him when all he did was go through the roof at all those experts who told him that the insulation scheme was a lemon. He had determined that nothing was going to stop it electrifying the nation.

Wayne has taken some credit for the stimulus package but there’s no chance the insulation stimulus Buck will stop with him. He is far too expert at passing it. He’s still lauded for his brilliant pass to Godwin Grech during the Utegate scandal.

Peter Garrett is the most obvious place for the Buck to stop. All it would take is his resignation or a tap on the shoulder from Kevin. In fact the Buck has already been as far as his office door before it was passed to the shonky installers.

The Buck however decided it was illogical to stop with a few installers when the scheme was a complete national disaster and they were only picking up the bucks eagerly passed on by the government.

Peter Garrett was warned twenty-odd times the scheme had hair-raising implications but for some reason he failed to feel anything.

Peter’s department apparently hadn’t got the faintest idea about administering a scheme of such complexity. It never occurred to them that battmen could also be robbin’.

Some experts blame John Howard for the scheme’s failure and believe the Buck should stop with him. However the Buck has its pride and having failed to stop with him so many times before it is reluctant to face further humiliation.

It’s true the Buck has also taken more than a passing interest in stopping with Stephen Conroy. Its interest has been attracted by the national broadband network, Telstra, handouts to television stations and jobs for the boys. The Buck recognises a trainwreck when it sees one and calculates how it can meet the driver at a mutually convenient stop.

Unfortunately the Buck can’t stop of its own volition or at the behest of Tony Abbott. Only an admission, a resignation or a firing constitutes a valid stop sign. Buck passing in Canberra has become such a consummate skill that the Wallabies coaching staff are taking an interest.

So while Credit is regularly taken by Kevin & Co for the stimulus package, the insulation stimulus Buck is still being passed around. But the Buck knows political insulation has a strict use-by date so as it passes from person to person it is reassured in the knowledge it will eventually stop with somebody.

‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’

There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.

‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’

Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.

He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.

‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’

‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’

Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’

‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’

‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’

‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’

‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’

‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’

‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’

‘You don’t mean…’ began George

‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’

‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’

‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked

‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’

‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked

‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’

‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked

‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George

‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’