OBAMA RUDD CALL

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way back to the US, managed to penetrate White House security and found a place on an Oval Office wall just as the President was on the phone to the Prime Minister of Australia.

Guy showed great courage in undertaking this mission in view of the President’s well-publicised skills in fly zapping. Here is his exclusive report.

‘You’re right Kevin’ said Obama ‘I had no idea how difficult it would be to get a healthcare plan up and running.  It’s being blocked by Republicans and healthy people’

‘I see you’ve got Nicola Roxon out there fronting your hospitals plan. It’s such a great idea to have a patient doing the selling for you. I do hope she makes a full recovery’

‘The problem is I want a comprehensive healthcare plan but the Republicans just want to strip everything off.  No, not Sarah Palin thank goodness’

‘Those price-gouging health insurance companies only want to insure healthy people.  Yes that’s a great idea Kevin, a publicly owned health insurance scheme which only insures people in bad health but is paid for by taxes from healthy people.  Wait a bit though wouldn’t that mean that healthy people would claim to be suffering from some awful disease like neo-liberalism?  Of course, that would be a dead giveaway.  They’re just the people we want to tax.  Brilliant’

‘Will my healthcare plan send America broke?  Of course not.  We’ve had Barnaby Joyce over here going through the numbers and he’s found the trillions we owe are actually billions’

‘Yes I’m definitely going to try and get the healthcare bill passed through reconciliation.  What’s that?  Reconciliation works better if you say ‘sorry’ first. I don’t think that would work over here’

‘It looks like Gordon Brown’s going to lose the UK election.  Yes I know, he can be a terrible bully.  I don’t think it’s going to be a problem for us because David Cameron seems like forty-five degrees to the left of Sean Penn and the Chinese Politburo.

‘What’s the ETS situation down there?  Oh really, that bad.  Frankly we’re reluctant to do too much about climate change in the US in case we cause next winter to be even colder than this one.  But didn’t Malcolm Turnbull cross the floor to vote for the ETS?

Yes its such shame that  he’s a republican’

‘No sorry Kevin I can’t lease Guantanamo Bay to you just yet. I know you’ve got asylum seeker problems but someone in my administration has just had the brilliant idea that down there would be the ideal place to put the terrorists on trial.  Eric Holder wanted the trials to be in New York.  Can you imagine all the cost and the chaos that would cause?’

‘Yes.  I’m rally looking forward to the trip to Australia and meeting people like Tony Abbott.  Really, but I heard he was the leader of the liberals.  You mean to say that some of the liberals over there are conservatives?  Then how can I tell the difference between the left-wing liberals and the conservative liberals.  Oh I see the left-wing liberals are hairy and don’t dress very well just like Barney Frank.  Thanks that’s a real help’

‘Is there anything I can bring over for you? What about a copy of my healthcare plan? No ? Yes I’m really looking to addressing the joint session of parliament. Just a thought. Peter Garrett didn’t insulate the parliament building did he?’

Source: Sun Hearld

The cricket world reacted with mixed feelings to the news that John Howard will become president of the International Cricket Council.

Friday Mash believes his experience and skills are just what is needed to resolve the searching problems currently faced by the cricketing world.

For example he will obviously rule that the Sri Lankan team must travel to Australia via Christmas Island and anyone bowling off-spin with a bent arm will be refused asylum to tour.

It is very encouraging to note that Afghanistan has a cricket team. This will present John with two major challenges, persuading another country to play them at home and responding to their request to allow Shaun Tait to make guest appearances. They’ve heard he bowls Improvised Explosive Devices.

John faces huge problems arising from terrorist threats against teams playing away in certain countries. Experts on the rules of cricket are uncertain whether a result, in matches where the Taliban stops play, can be achieved through using the Duckworth-Lewis method.

Cricket fans fear things could get so bad that international cricket will only be played at Lords and the Sydney Cricket Ground. Both these are absolutely secure because no terrorist would ever be accepted as a member of the MCC or the SCG.

A player in the Australian team has apparently met with a bingle and thanks to Brendon Fevola we now have the bare facts of the matter. John should be concerned that such is the reputation of the Australian team for sledging they will soon start training for the next Winter Olympics.

Robert Mugabe seems intent on devaluing Zimbabwean cricket as much as he’s devalued the currency. John should be aware of his propensity for spending ICC grants on building pavilions in Europe. Robert retains an avid interest in sport and in particular is a strong All Black supporter.

John will be particularly concerned that England seem to suffer constant droughts in their cricket talent pool yet this does not stop them frequently going to water.

South Africa poses a gate-money problem. When President Zuma brings all his wives, children and girlfriends to matches on complimentaries there isn’t any room for paying customers.

The Bangladesh team is still not challenging anyone. John should present them with the Peter Costello award.

A Pakistani player was recently suspended for biting a cricket ball during a match. John will probably face calls for flavoured cricket balls because it turned out to be a spinner checking whether the ball was suitable for a tea-break.

The West Indies team have recently been on strike. John will immediately perceive an opportunity to bring back Work Choices.

The Australian team is very disappointed that India has overtaken them as the worst-behaved team in international cricket. Suspension and fines appear to have no effect. John plans to introduce a new sanction against recalcitrant players. They will be sentenced to face Shaun Tait on a seaming wicket without a box. That should bring more tears to their eyes than a vindaloo.

No Interest
No wonder the Reserve Bank doesn’t have any customers. It’s always the first to raise interest rates.
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Full Montys
Everyone who turned up at the Opera House with their gear off had parts in the mass nude shoot. Most of them were private.
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The Right Prescription
Kevin’s hospitals plan is very timely. People are beginning to get sick of him.
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A Suitable Case for Treatment
State governments running hospitals are not good for our health, the federal-state shared responsibility structure is a bigger health threat than smoking, and giving Nicola Roxon sole charge of hospitals would make Peter Garrett look like an expert on safety in the home.
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A Candidate for Premier
It is difficult to ascertain if Michelle Chantelois is a candidate in the upcoming South Australian election. Most commentators, however, agree that she’s an also-Rann.
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A Really Sorry Day
Political strategists believe it will be another six months before Kevin starts apologising for his hospitals plan.
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The Name Game
Hugo Chavez recently called Hillary Clinton ‘the blond Condoleezza’. How outrageous. The next thing he‘ll be calling Obama ‘the black George W Bush’.
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Bad Taste
Following his sojourn in the outback Tony Abbott is undecided about which left the nastier taste in his mouth, Malcolm crossing the floor or witchetty grubs.

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

12th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

On the whole I think Kevin’s had a slightly better week.

He’s stopped apologising and gone into hospitals. I think he went in for an operation to remove Peter Garrett but it only seems to have been partially successful.

Hopefully his minders will stop him doing tours of the wards.  He’s got the bedside manner of a bedpan.

I must say that much as I love him there are times when I feel like giving Kevin a really good shake. Just as he gets out from under roofs falling in on him he                       goes and picks a fight with the state premiers over hospitals.

Mind you I think Kevin’s on the right track.  Your chances of survival in a NSW hospital are roughly equivalent to those of a suicide bomber on a second mission.

The NSW state premier is a lovely woman, one of your mob from Toledo Ohio.  I’m sure she doesn’t know an enema from a seminar but she’s really got her knickers in a twist about Kevin’s hospitals plan.  And if it turns into a beauty contest with Kristina things could really turn ugly for Kevin.

Its been reported that Kevin is not going abroad much this year.  I think that’s because he’s going to spend much more time in church praying to Mary MacKillop.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Kevin was her third miracle.

Now I know its only a week or two before you arrive here but we thought it would be really useful for you if the World Affairs Think Tank came up with some great ideas for your address to the joint session of the Australian Parliament.  Hopefully you’ll have enough time to slot our stuff in.

Our Mavis’ Bert’s brother Fred thought you should have a devastating response ready if Bob Brown interrupts you just like he interrupted George W.  He suggested ‘Shut up you Tassie tree-hugger.  They serve wood chips like you at McDonalds’.

Marge said you should remind our pollies that there’s as much chance of insulating Australia’s economy from the global financial pressures as there is of insulating Australia from the second go at the home insulation scheme.

Cyril suggested you could significantly boost Kevin’s morale by explaining how much deeper you’ve led the US into the financial doodoo  compared with us.

Mildred wanted you to tell our Parliament to be ready to take over as the most powerful nation in the world in case your country drops its bundle.  She said it was important to for us to step in ahead of China because they if they got too much power they might intern Kevin for speaking Chinese with a Canberra accent and stop us bowling chinamen.

Joyce said that if you wanted to raise a laugh you could tell our parliamentarians you saw more of Kevin last year than they did.

I expressed the hope that you will give Kevin a real rap because he really needs it.  And whatever you do don’t mention the ETS or Kevin getting pissed in a New York nightclub.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’

If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.

‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’

‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’

‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’

‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’

‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.

‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’

‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.

‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’

‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?

‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’

‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George

‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’

‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’

Back from two brilliantly successful assignments in the US Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to find space on a wall overlooking an emergency meeting of Kevin’s spin doctors.  Here is his exclusive report.

‘This insulation thing’s an absolute disaster’ said Greg ‘We can’t unload any of the blame onto Malcolm or Tony.  What the hell are we going to do about it?’

‘I think we should re-emphasise Kevin’s commitment to working families’ said Brendan

‘Are you kidding?’ snapped Greg ‘most of them are cowering in their homes frightened their roof is about to catch fire’

‘Perhaps this is the time’ said Sharon ‘to introduce a new idiosyncratic Kevin phrase like ‘systemic programmatic specificities’

‘Perhaps this is the time Shaz for you to get a job with Tony Abbott’ said Greg

‘I’ve got it’ said Brendan ‘we should package Kevin as the Global Statesman’

Illustration: Jim Pavlidis (The Age)

‘They’re not going to buy it’ said Greg ‘Copenhagen was an unmitigated Kevin disaster, nobody can understand what he’s talking about in China even when he talks in English and he’s just sent an ambassador to Washington in a wheelchair’

‘Bingo’ said Sharon ‘Kevin 07 plus 3.  The man who saved Australia from a complete insulation disaster by taking the courageous and fearless decision to fire Peter Garrett.

‘Too dangerous’ said Greg ‘he’ll probably have to save Australia from further disasters by courageously and fearlessly firing Nicola Roxon and Stephen Conroy and then maybe the public will start thinking its time to courageously and fearlessly fire Kevin.  Hold that thought on Kevin 07 plus 3 though.  That’s interesting’

‘I’ve had an idea’ said Brendan ‘Obama’s coming here soon.  Perhaps we could persuade him to call Kevin the Wizard of Oz or something’

‘Too dangerous’ said Greg ‘he might get mixed up and call him the Tin Man or the Man of Tin’

‘I know’ said Sharon ‘the Action Man’

‘Oh please’ said Greg ‘That’s just the point.  He hasn’t done anything except hand out money’

‘But’ said Sharon ‘we could portray him as the Super Action Man who takes on and defeats Action Man Abbott’

‘Oh sure’ said Greg ‘I can just see Kevin poleaxing Tony in a boxing ring or wearing budgie smugglers.  On Kevin they’d look more like tadpole smugglers’

‘Ok smarty’ said Sharon ‘what’s your brilliant idea then? If we don’t come up with a new spin strategy soon there’s a danger the public will begin to see Kevin as he really is.

‘My key spin strategy is to get Kevin to accept responsibility for the insulation disaster’ said Greg ‘The public will appreciate the gesture but nobody will seriously believe its his fault.  Then to reinforce that belief he should fire Peter’

‘Brilliant’ said Sharon ‘we can then spin him as the mea culpa prime minister.  The public will suss its Kevin selflessly taking the blame for his incompetent minister’

‘And if it works for insulation’ said Brendan ‘it can work for hospitals, the national broadband network, the ETS …’

‘Yes alright’ said Greg ‘ Let’s get Kevin in to brief him on the mea culpa prime minister spin strategy and Shaz ring Kerry O’Brien to book a date to launch it on The 7.30 Report.

Commentators have marvelled at the absolute consistency between the nine plans and have confidently forecast that the ninth will have exactly the same non-effect in solving Sydney traffic problems as all the rest of them.

The Labor Government seems incapable of grasping that plans in themselves are not enough, but traffic experts have sounded a note of caution pointing out that, given the government’s track record, doing nothing is probably the preferred option.

The latest plan has been dubbed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’. Sydney commentators were quick to point out it conforms to the first part of the slogan on which the government was elected ‘More to do but moving in the right direction’ but doesn’t promote movement in any direction let alone the right one.

A key underlying objective of ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ seems to be isolating Western Sydney from the CBD and encouraging it to become a suburb of Melbourne. The new Aussie Rules franchise out there could be the first step in the transfer to be finalised by 2020 when it will be quicker to travel to Melbourne from Bankstown than to the Sydney CBD.

The Government is obviously concerned that if they provide Sydney commuters with a coherent road network they will abandon the daily torture of train travel in droves and leap into their cars. This would upset the delicate balance in transport chaos, resulting in the new road network becoming hopelessly gridlocked and obliging the government to finally fund a decent rail service.

Tourists visiting the world’s number one travel destination should be warned not to expect much touring. They need to understand that the local transport system is carefully designed to ensure they’ll enjoy their visit far more by staying in one place.

One of the new plan’s great strengths is the provision of an exciting new revenue stream for the government. Motorists who are gridlocked on motorways for more than a few minutes could get parking fees deducted from their e-tag balance.

Despite its avowed metrosexuality the state government has made a premature withdrawal from the CBD Metro with no real prospect of a future climax or conception.

Environmentalists have hailed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ as a significant step in the fight against global warming. They are convinced it will achieve a huge reduction in Sydney’s carbon footprint by causing many commuters to abandon all hope of getting to the CBD and back in one day and employers to install office seats which convert into beds.

In desperation some clinicians have offered to provide stents to unblock the main Sydney traffic arteries. However there is another body of medical opinion which believes the correct treatment is a governmental enema.

The William St and Cross-city Tunnel debacles tend to confirm that the Labor Government actually doing something about Sydney’s transport problems would promote a sinking feeling akin to Peter Garrett being given responsibility for fixing Australia’s submarine fleet.

Sydneysiders may take comfort in the fact that the Government only has time for one more transport plan at the most and no time to do anything really disastrous.

Kristina will be staying in Wonderland and just like the rest of us will not be going anywhere in a hurry.

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

5th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

It’s been a terrible week here and I feel so sorry for poor Kevin.

I know its been such a strain on him claiming to be perfect all the time but I’m having trouble suddenly adjusting to the fact he’s stuffed up.

You know how Tony Abbott’s always going on about what a non-event he is, well Kevin’s started to agree with him.

As I said to Neville this is just like his mother agreeing with everything I say about her, the old cow. Oops, sorry I always get carried away when I think about her.

Kevin is admitting his mob have totally ballsed up the home insulation scheme, hospitals and supplying school kids with computers. Next he’ll be thanking Tony for helping him understand what a failure he is.

It’s a good job you’re coming to visit him because I’m sure it will help give him a bit of confidence back. Why don’t you tell him when you did that mea culpa stuff in Europe and the Middle East it only helped people understand that the US was as bad as they’d always thought it was.

By the way while you’re here please don’t mention the ETS. Now you’re not doing one it will only make Kevin feel like a bit of a goose.

We’re still hopeful that you can visit the Club.The local bakery has promised us buns with stars and stripes icing.

I’m pretty sure the Eels have got a home game while you’re here. Neville and I are both members so there would be no problem getting you good tickets.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most profound issues facing this region “What is New Zealand’s future role in world affairs?” I wasn’t prepared for what followed.

Cyril reckoned it is the ideal place to test Tony Abbott’s latest idea for tackling global warming, a huge snow-making machine.

Marge said it should become the next centre for world terrorism and give the Middle East a chance to settle things down a bit.

Our Mavis’ Bert saw the country as the centre for another major initiative against global warming, the grass diet. Twenty-two million sheep can’t be wrong. He reckoned that the New Zealand diet is an issue which has been eating away at sheep for some time.

Mildred believed New Zealand offered the ideal environment for the world’s leading sex addiction academy. She should know, she’s a qualified instructor.

Ron thought it should be declared a Peter Garrett free zone because it was already insulated from the rest of the world.

Doris suggested that the Australian Government should launch an advertising campaign in Afghanistan and Sri Lanka promoting New Zealand as the preferred destination for asylum seekers.

Fred was convinced that New Zealand’s future role in world affairs was similar to having your head in the sand at the end of a bungee jump.

I summed it all up by saying that my Kiwi mates would never speak to me again if they heard what had been said. And please don’t mention anything to Kevin.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.

‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’

George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.

Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s

‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’

I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’

‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’

‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’

The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.

‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’

‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.

‘Is that all?’ asked George

‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’

‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George

‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’

‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’

‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’

‘There can’t be more’ said George

‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’

The Face of Labor
The NSW Government’s latest cunning plan is to present themselves as the Kristina Party rather than Labor. The new advertising campaign is reportedly having no impact in raising voter support for the Labor Government but it could result in Kristina getting loads of invitations to do centrefolds for men’s magazines.
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Top Spin
Kevin didn’t apologise when the home insulation scheme horrors first came to light and he didn’t apologise for Peter Garrett’s stuff-ups or six thousand lost jobs. He finally apologised when the spin doctors convinced him that he was on a sticky wicket which would take spin.
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A New League of Their Own
If you happen to see drunks assaulting people in pubs or urinating in the street don’t be alarmed; they are merely the traditional signs that a new rugby league season is about to begin.
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Weak Support
The week before Kevin fired Peter Garrett he said ‘I support Minister Garrett this week and I’ll still support him next week’. Yes it’s true what they say about a week in politics.
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Dynamic Duo
A night club in Sydney is reported to have insulation problems. Seems like a case of Peter Garrett meets Tiger Woods.
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Browned Off
If Gordon Brown is no longer the UK Prime Minister after the upcoming election he has the qualifications for a range of other top jobs like the President of Venezuela, Zimbabwe or Iran. Bully for him.
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Not Sorry For Himself
On Q&A last Monday, Peter Garrett said he hadn’t done anything he should apologise for and seemed non-plussed that Kevin had apologised for him. He doesn’t seem to realise what a sorry figure he has become although he might apologise for Kevin.
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House Rules
Now that we’ve got Peter Garrett out of our roofs the next challenge is getting Tony Abbott out of our bedrooms.
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