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At a Meeting of Kevin’s Spin Doctors - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

Back from two brilliantly successful assignments in the US Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to find space on a wall overlooking an emergency meeting of Kevin’s spin doctors.  Here is his exclusive report.

‘This insulation thing’s an absolute disaster’ said Greg ‘We can’t unload any of the blame onto Malcolm or Tony.  What the hell are we going to do about it?’

‘I think we should re-emphasise Kevin’s commitment to working families’ said Brendan

‘Are you kidding?’ snapped Greg ‘most of them are cowering in their homes frightened their roof is about to catch fire’

‘Perhaps this is the time’ said Sharon ‘to introduce a new idiosyncratic Kevin phrase like ‘systemic programmatic specificities’

‘Perhaps this is the time Shaz for you to get a job with Tony Abbott’ said Greg

‘I’ve got it’ said Brendan ‘we should package Kevin as the Global Statesman’

Illustration: Jim Pavlidis (The Age)

Illustration: Jim Pavlidis (The Age)

‘They’re not going to buy it’ said Greg ‘Copenhagen was an unmitigated Kevin disaster, nobody can understand what he’s talking about in China even when he talks in English and he’s just sent an ambassador to Washington in a wheelchair’

‘Bingo’ said Sharon ‘Kevin 07 plus 3.  The man who saved Australia from a complete insulation disaster by taking the courageous and fearless decision to fire Peter Garrett.

‘Too dangerous’ said Greg ‘he’ll probably have to save Australia from further disasters by courageously and fearlessly firing Nicola Roxon and Stephen Conroy and then maybe the public will start thinking its time to courageously and fearlessly fire Kevin.  Hold that thought on Kevin 07 plus 3 though.  That’s interesting’

‘I’ve had an idea’ said Brendan ‘Obama’s coming here soon.  Perhaps we could persuade him to call Kevin the Wizard of Oz or something’

‘Too dangerous’ said Greg ‘he might get mixed up and call him the Tin Man or the Man of Tin’

‘I know’ said Sharon ‘the Action Man’

‘Oh please’ said Greg ‘That’s just the point.  He hasn’t done anything except hand out money’

‘But’ said Sharon ‘we could portray him as the Super Action Man who takes on and defeats Action Man Abbott’

‘Oh sure’ said Greg ‘I can just see Kevin poleaxing Tony in a boxing ring or wearing budgie smugglers.  On Kevin they’d look more like tadpole smugglers’

‘Ok smarty’ said Sharon ‘what’s your brilliant idea then? If we don’t come up with a new spin strategy soon there’s a danger the public will begin to see Kevin as he really is.

‘My key spin strategy is to get Kevin to accept responsibility for the insulation disaster’ said Greg ‘The public will appreciate the gesture but nobody will seriously believe its his fault.  Then to reinforce that belief he should fire Peter’

‘Brilliant’ said Sharon ‘we can then spin him as the mea culpa prime minister.  The public will suss its Kevin selflessly taking the blame for his incompetent minister’

‘And if it works for insulation’ said Brendan ‘it can work for hospitals, the national broadband network, the ETS …’

‘Yes alright’ said Greg ‘ Let’s get Kevin in to brief him on the mea culpa prime minister spin strategy and Shaz ring Kerry O’Brien to book a date to launch it on The 7.30 Report.

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In Tiger Woods Sports Management Agency - Friday, February 26th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

Guy the Friday Mash Superfly remained in the US this week after his assignment in Al Gore’s office and managed to find a place on a wall of the conference room at Tiger Wood’s sports management agency when a discussion of post-apology strategies was under way. Here is his exclusive report.

‘Hey guys, I thought the apology went well’

‘Sure thing Mac’ said Huey ‘nice touch of yours about Buddhism. Do you think people spotted that Tiger didn’t write the apology himself?’

‘No way’ said Mac ‘who cares anyhow? The important objective is preserving the Tiger Woods brand. What do you think Carrie?’

‘Absolute brilliant Mac’ said Carrie ‘you guys who wrote the apology did a great job. But I wonder if that’s how Tiger really feels’

‘What do you mean?’ asked Mac ‘That’s what he agreed to say isn’t it?’

‘Yes I know’ said Carrie ‘but there have been reports that he’s been out with bimbos during his sex addiction treatment at the clinic’

‘Well maybe he had to do a bit of fieldwork’ said Mac ‘or maybe they’re weaning him off bimbos gradually. I mean you can’t expect him to go one hundred percent cold turkey’

‘Perhaps he’s had enough of golf’ suggested Huey

‘You have to be joking’ said Mac ‘besides we can’t afford to lose all that revenue. We need Tiger out there hitting the greens to make our profit forecast for the year’

‘No but seriously’ said Huey ‘he’s made all those billions and as he said in the apology he now feels he’s entitled to some matchplay off the golf course’

‘Wait a minute’ said Mac ‘the Tiger Woods brand which is the mark of our genius depicts a loving husband and father who is the world’s greatest golfer’

‘That’s history Mac’ said Carrie ‘you might get away with ‘loving father’ but ‘loving husband’ is about as believable as Sarah Palin becoming a porn movie star’

‘Talking of porn stars’ said Huey ‘you know that one Tiger used to go out with. She’s complaining that Tiger’s been unfaithful to her. Is she kidding? Don’t tell me she’s switched to making documentaries for National Geographic’

‘We’ve got to Tiger back on the golf circuit as soon as possible’ said Mac ‘golf needs it, the public needs it and our bottom line desperately needs it’

‘I’m beginning to think that his future aspirations will be more in the rough than on the fairways’ said Huey ‘I’ve got an idea. Let’s produce a new television series called Tiger and the Desperate Porn Stars. It would be an absolute smash hit and make us a lot more money than golf’

‘And Tiger will be eternally grateful to us’ said Carrie’ for helping him find his true destiny’. ’

‘You’re right’ said Mac ‘Come to think of it I’ve recently had the sort of feeling that Tiger’s ready for something different. I’ll ring up all those porn stars I know and Huey you ring up Tiger’s girlfriends. You’ve been out with all of them’

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In Al Gore’s Washington DC Office - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the snowy wastes of Washington DC to send this exclusive report from high up on a wall in Al Gore’s office.

Al was on the phone to Kevin Rudd.

‘Kevin I can’t believe those Liberal assholes down there are still blocking your ETS. Don’t they care about the future of mankind? What’s that you say? Yes it was unfortunate that my forecast about polar bears becoming extinct was wrong. Of course I’m happy for the polar bears but its important to convince people that global warming is a huge disaster’

He broke off to yell out to his assistant ‘Hey Martha can’t you turn the heating up in here, I’m freezing’

‘There’s mountains of snow round here’ he continued to Kevin ‘and people refuse to understand its all caused by global warming. Then there’s that extraordinarily warm weather in Vancouver for the Olympic Games. It’s amazing that people can still be so hot and cold about climate change’

‘Is there any of those Pacific Islands under water yet? No, oh well that’s surprising. Please let me know the minute one looks like becoming inundated. I’ve got my film unit on stand-by. What’s that? Could I help with rescuing the population? Well I guess I could fit a couple in my executive jet but it would be a squeeze’

‘I was thrilled to hear about the incredible plan you and Peter Garrett put together to insulate so many homes in Australia. Yes I know it’s a shame that eighty-odd caught fire but that’s not going to have a major impact on carbon emissions’

He breaks off again to call out to his assistant ‘Martha I’m about to start suffering hypothermia. For Pete’s sake turn up the heating. Yes I know it will mean increased emissions but I’ll plant a couple of trees or something’

Back on the phone to Kevin. ‘I can’t believe there’s glaciers melting all over the world but there’s no sign of it happening to the snow in Washington dammit. And meanwhile you’re suffering all those fires and droughts in Australia. What, there’s no fires and it’s pouring with rain everywhere? Don’t lose faith Kevin I’m sure you’ll be ravaged by global warming soon’

‘Is there anything I can do to help you convince Tony Abbott and all those other Neanderthals down there. What’s wrong with these people, haven’t they read my book and seen my film? I’d fly down there but I’m terribly conscious of the size of my carbon footprint’

‘Hey good news. Its just come through on my television channel that they’ve had to postpone some events at the Olympics because of the unseasonally warm weather. Look I’ve got to let you go because my feet are going numb’

‘Emergency’ he yelled to Martha ‘Go out and buy a heater or a sack of coal and bugger the damned emissions’

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In Santa Claus’ Grotto - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the intrepid Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the Christmas 2009 Review Meeting between Santa Claus, the Christmas Fairy and Number One Elf at the North Pole. From a vantage point high on the wall of Santa’s Christmas Grotto he sent us this exclusive report.

‘Dear me’ said Santa ‘this global research study into people’s attitudes to Christmas 2009 is very disturbing. 20% couldn’t remember whose birthday it was, 10% complained about the lack of bar service in churches, 30% thought it was a retail promotion and 40% thought it was a binge drinking carnival’

‘And don’t forget’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘that 80% thought it was spoilt by too much emphasis on religion’

‘Heavens’ said Santa ‘the Archangel won’t like that. He also won’t like the huge offer I’ve had to appear in a VB ad campaign next Christmas. I’ll have to tell him VB stands for virgin birth’

‘People don’t seem to appreciate the presents you give them like they used to’ said the Number One Elf ‘Barnaby Joyce has returned the calculator because he reckons it can’t tell the difference between millions and billions. Belinda Neal has returned the course of anger management classes you delivered on behalf of Kevin and she was really pissed off about it and Kevin has returned his budgie smugglers because they were condemned by the RSPCA’

‘Can you believe’ remarked Santa ‘that some people want to change the whole concept of Christmas. Obama supporters are promoting a second Christmas to mark his birthday and most people believe it should be a beer festival rather than a religious festival’

‘And have you heard the latest?’ asked the Christmas Fairy ‘the Archangel thinks that the reindeer and sleigh is not a viable transportation model in the era of global warming and he’s thinking of giving the Christmas presents delivery contract to DHL’

‘We got a letter from Al Gore the other day’ said the Number One Elf ‘warning us that our Grotto will melt by 2020 and we should seek alternative accommodation that floats. He must think you’re bloody Noah’

‘I’m terribly worried my good name is being eroded by all those out-of-work actors who impersonate me in retail stores’ said Santa ‘I read that one was so strange he got the part of Little Red Riding Hood in a Christmas Panto and another handed out kids toys to the mothers and sex toys to the kids’

‘What on earth should we do for Christmas 2010?’asked the Number One Elf.

‘I think we should do a deal with Obama, Kevin and Gordon Brown’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘to deliver a global Christmas stimulus package each year’

‘I think we should encourage polygamy’ said the Number One Elf ‘It’s much more efficient to have a household like President Zuma’s where you can drop off presents for twenty kids and four wives in one place’

‘We have to go with the flow’ said Santa ‘let’s negotiate a free Christmas grog worldwide delivery service. I’ve always wanted to be a philanthropissed’

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In Hillary Clinton’s Office - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to a wall in the Washington DC office of the US Secretary of State and sent us this exclusive report on the vital strategic discussion she had with her husband.

‘You’d have made a much better president than Obama’ said Bill

‘I know’ said Hillary ‘the only thing that stopped me was the laughable prospect of you becoming the First Gentleman’

‘Behind the great female president’ said Bill ‘would have been a former great male president with his hand up her back’

‘Most women seem to have experienced your hand up somewhere’ responded Hillary

‘Ten years ago’ said Bill ‘Obama would have been lucky to get a job serving us coffee’

‘Ten years ago’ said Hillary ‘you were damned lucky everyone didn’t leave you to get your own coffee’

‘Oh come on honey’ said Bill ‘I spent months out there on the campaign trail pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to get you the top gig’

‘Didn’t all those women find it confusing that you got them in sack just to campaign for your wife?’

‘When it comes to elections’ said Bill ‘the end justifies the means’

‘Not when it’s your end it doesn’t’ said Hillary ‘I probably lost the election because you couldn’t keep it up’

‘When Al Gore and Ted Kennedy deserted you who was it who stuck by you even putting my own reputation on the line?’

‘Some reputation’ said Hillary ‘it’s a sort of role model for Tiger Woods. Who pulled you through when you were impeached? Not Madeleine Albright or Al Gore but good old me. Even Monica deserted you and despite all that time you spent working on her I’ll bet she didn’t vote for me’

‘Honey’ said Bill ‘you’ve got to understand I have a certain charisma that appeals to women and it enabled me to play an effective presidential part in your campaign’

‘Oh I’ve no doubt your presidential part played effectively in all sorts of places’ said Hillary

‘Now let’s get serious about 2012’ said Bill ‘we’ve got to start planning your next presidential campaign immediately’

‘Forget it’ said Hillary ‘you’ve spent too long in the doghouse ever to get back in the White House. My best chance of becoming president is a divorce’

‘You’ve got to admit’ said Bill ‘that I was a better president than George W Bush. And sexier too. Give me a year or two to work my charms and every woman in the US will be ready to vote for you’

‘Why do I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m the one who would get screwed?’ said Hillary ‘Look I can’t sit around chatting to you, I’ve got to phone Kevin Rudd about World Kangaroo Day. Are you in for dinner tonight?’

‘Sure honey’ said Bill ‘how about a romantic evening for two?’

‘Darling’ said Hillary ‘I thought you’d never ask’

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In the Office of the British Prime Minister - Friday, January 29th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

Last week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the UK and managed to land high on a wall in Gordon Brown’s office at No. 10 to send us this exclusive report about a vital strategy meeting.

Gordon Brown was in conference with Harriet Harman and Lord Mandelson.

‘Peter do you think there will be anymore coup attempts against me before the next election?’ asked Gordon

‘Probably not’ said Peter ‘after everyone chickened out of the last one. And the Iraq Inquiry will totally stuff any chance of Tony making a comeback’

‘What about Alisdair Darling?’ asked Gordon

‘And what about me my little precious’ said Harriet ‘By the way have you taken your constipation tablets?’

‘No but I’ve already got plenty of runs on the board’ said Gordon ‘I’m thinking of becoming green for the next election’

‘I don’t think a name change will be enough’ said Peter.

‘I’m also thinking of taking drastic steps on the economy before the next election’ said Gordon ‘I’ve already driven it to the seventh largest in the world from the fifth. If I could get it to the tenth largest I could make a dramatic election promise to improve it to ninth or even eighth’

‘Inspired thinking Gordon’ said Harriet ‘but how on earth am I going to retain my seat?’

‘You’ll have to start going to the gym regularly’ said Gordon. ‘But what am I going to tell the Iraqi Inquiry?’

Tell them the truth’ said Peter ‘Saddam Hussein couldn’t remember where he had hidden the WMDs’

‘But won’t that let Tony off the hook?’ asked Gordon

‘No’ said Peter ‘because Saddam had also forgotten that he hadn’t got any’

‘But if Saddam was convinced he had WMDs’ said Gordon ‘can’t Tony claim he was misled?’

‘No’ said Peter ‘because I’ve leaked it to the Inquiry that while Saddam had forgotten that he hadn’t got any WMDs he suddenly remembered where they were and Tony found out that he had remembered but had forgotten that he had forgotten that he didn’t have any’

‘Brilliant’ said Gordon ‘so I can tell the Iraq Inquiry that I remembered that Tony remembered that Saddam remembered where the WMDs were’

‘Do you think we should call in Kevin Rudd to advise us on economic policies for the election?’ asked Harriet

‘Heavens no’ said Gordon ‘I couldn’t stand any more of that boring Aussie nerd crapping on about how he fluked his way round a recession. But this Iraq thing could still be a problem’

‘No way’ said Peter ‘just blame it all on George W Bush and John Howard. You can claim they formed a right wing conspiracy to undermine Tony and his Labor Government but you came in and saved us all’

‘Sheer genius’ said Gordon ‘perhaps I won’t need that post election job with the Scottish Porridge Promotion Board after all’

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In Tony Abbott’s Office - Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

Guy the Friday Mash Superfly reports this week from high on a wall in the opposition leader’s inner sanctum.

Julie Bishop and Joe Hockey were sitting at the conference table while Tony was belting a punching-bag with Kevin’s face on it.

‘Look Tony’ said Joe ‘you’ve got a big problem with women’

‘That’s horseshit’ said Tony ‘I was the biggest stud at uni by far, I’m a big hit with the girls at the surf lifesaving club and even Julia Gillard thinks I’m a hunk’

‘Personally Tony I strongly agree with Julia’ said Julie ‘but for a lot of women your views are a bit too catholic’

‘I don’t understand’ said Tony ‘the Pope’s a catholic but he doesn’t have a problem with women’

‘He would’ said Joe ‘if he had to rely on their votes to keep his job. Let’s be absolutely clear about this. Women claim that as minister for health you allowed your catholic beliefs to influence your decisions; keep your rosaries off my ovaries and all that sort of stuff’

‘Well the Pope and George Pell agreed with me’ said Tony

‘The last time I checked’ said Joe ‘they weren’t women’

‘Most women can’t help but be attracted by your rugged looks’ said Julie ‘but they’re not going to vote for someone who is pro-life, doesn’t believe in contraception and could be the father of anyone under forty’

‘Ok, ok’ said Tony ‘’I get it. What should I do about it?’

‘Well first of all’ said Joe ‘we’ve got to get the Pope to send you an email saying that he’s pleased that you are pro-work choices and then we re-jig it to lose ‘work’ and the ‘s’.

‘Next’ said Julie ‘we’ve got to get you the lead in a campaign promoting safe sex and a gig as patron of planned parenthood’

‘At the same time I don’t think we should discount the lifesaver macho appeal angle’ said Joe ‘Perhaps a nude centrefold in a women’s magazine and a contract from Speedo to front a new range of see-through smuggle-proof swimwear’

Tony Abbott in Budgie Smugglers - care of SMH

‘Balance is so important’ said Julie ‘we have to exploit your sex appeal edge over a Prime Minister who couldn’t pull a nymphomaniac at an orgy, but at the same time we don’t want to confuse your image with Tiger Woods’

‘Look that’s all very exciting’ said Tony ‘but I don’t’ want to affect the great support I enjoy amongst more mature women’

‘No problem’ said Joe ‘all we have to do is remind them that if you resurrected Bronwyn Bishop you could do it for anybody’.

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In the Prime Minister’s Office - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

Guy the Friday Mash Superfly brings you all the latest buzz on the powerful and the pathetic from his unique vantage point high up on the walls of their offices.

Kevin convened a meeting with Julia, Wayne and Penny to discuss tactics for a third go at getting the ETS legislation passed.

‘Fair suck of the sauce bottle’ said Kevin ‘Penny spends ages locked away with that MacFarlane guy, we get Malcolm in our pocket and then the Coalition go fxxking feral and we’re up against a climate change cretin like the Mad Monk. He’s your mate Julia, can’t you do some budgie smuggling with him?’

‘Now Kevin let’s be absolutely clear about this’ said Julia ‘I went off him after he called you a toxic bore, an egregious egotist, a prissy, preening little nerd and a …’

‘Alright, alright’ said Kevin ‘now here’s the plan. We’ll have to explain the ETS a bit more like coming clean about what its actually going to cost people’

‘Good heavens’ said Penny, visibly shaken ‘you can’t to that. You can’t trust people to put the fate of the world and this government before their own greedy self-interest.’

‘All we have to say’ said Kevin ‘is that everyone’s getting an ETS rebate. We don’t have to reveal that for half the population it’s hopelessly inadequate. And Penny I want you to lead an ETS charm offensive. Have your face permanently botoxed into a smile and stop referring to Tony Abbott as a Neanderthal sub-human sceptic’

‘I’d rather spend another week at the Copenhagen Conference’ said Penny

‘I think we should review whether the ETS is the best way to reduce carbon emissions’ said Wayne

Kevin recoiled in horror like someone had just served him a beef sandwich.

‘What the fxxk are you talking about Wayne’ he roared ‘of course it’s the fxxking best way’

‘Shouldn’t we set up a parliamentary committee to investigate it?’ asked Wayne bravely ‘I mean it’s a huge economic pain in the ass and the Northern Hemisphere’s just entered a new ice age’

‘I’ve already got five committees investigating it’ said Kevin ‘and there’s another committee analysing whether we should have another committee’

The intercom buzzed ‘Excuse me prime minister, John Grant’s on the phone asking whether you’ll need to borrow a ute for the next election’

‘Tell him I’ll need two’ said Kevin ‘there isn’t room for my hair dryer if I only use one’

‘Well I’d bring in another stimulus package’ said Wayne ‘to pay everybody’s electricity bills’.

‘That’s a fxxking stupid idea’ said Kevin ‘I’m spending all my time trying to stop Julia wasting stimulus money on senseless school halls’

‘I know’ said Julia ‘we should give everybody work choices. They can either install their own solar heating or spend their weekends at power stations cleaning coal’

‘Brilliant’ said Kevin ‘I’ve always liked the idea of work choices’

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