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Sorry won’t fix our hospitals - Friday, March 12th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

12th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

On the whole I think Kevin’s had a slightly better week.

He’s stopped apologising and gone into hospitals. I think he went in for an operation to remove Peter Garrett but it only seems to have been partially successful.

Hopefully his minders will stop him doing tours of the wards.  He’s got the bedside manner of a bedpan.

I must say that much as I love him there are times when I feel like giving Kevin a really good shake. Just as he gets out from under roofs falling in on him he                       goes and picks a fight with the state premiers over hospitals.

Mind you I think Kevin’s on the right track.  Your chances of survival in a NSW hospital are roughly equivalent to those of a suicide bomber on a second mission.

The NSW state premier is a lovely woman, one of your mob from Toledo Ohio.  I’m sure she doesn’t know an enema from a seminar but she’s really got her knickers in a twist about Kevin’s hospitals plan.  And if it turns into a beauty contest with Kristina things could really turn ugly for Kevin.

Its been reported that Kevin is not going abroad much this year.  I think that’s because he’s going to spend much more time in church praying to Mary MacKillop.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Kevin was her third miracle.

Now I know its only a week or two before you arrive here but we thought it would be really useful for you if the World Affairs Think Tank came up with some great ideas for your address to the joint session of the Australian Parliament.  Hopefully you’ll have enough time to slot our stuff in.

Our Mavis’ Bert’s brother Fred thought you should have a devastating response ready if Bob Brown interrupts you just like he interrupted George W.  He suggested ‘Shut up you Tassie tree-hugger.  They serve wood chips like you at McDonalds’.

Marge said you should remind our pollies that there’s as much chance of insulating Australia’s economy from the global financial pressures as there is of insulating Australia from the second go at the home insulation scheme.

Cyril suggested you could significantly boost Kevin’s morale by explaining how much deeper you’ve led the US into the financial doodoo  compared with us.

Mildred wanted you to tell our Parliament to be ready to take over as the most powerful nation in the world in case your country drops its bundle.  She said it was important to for us to step in ahead of China because they if they got too much power they might intern Kevin for speaking Chinese with a Canberra accent and stop us bowling chinamen.

Joyce said that if you wanted to raise a laugh you could tell our parliamentarians you saw more of Kevin last year than they did.

I expressed the hope that you will give Kevin a real rap because he really needs it.  And whatever you do don’t mention the ETS or Kevin getting pissed in a New York nightclub.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Tourism New Zealand should advertise itself as a preferred destination for asylum seekers - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

5th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

It’s been a terrible week here and I feel so sorry for poor Kevin.

I know its been such a strain on him claiming to be perfect all the time but I’m having trouble suddenly adjusting to the fact he’s stuffed up.

You know how Tony Abbott’s always going on about what a non-event he is, well Kevin’s started to agree with him.

As I said to Neville this is just like his mother agreeing with everything I say about her, the old cow. Oops, sorry I always get carried away when I think about her.

Kevin is admitting his mob have totally ballsed up the home insulation scheme, hospitals and supplying school kids with computers. Next he’ll be thanking Tony for helping him understand what a failure he is.

It’s a good job you’re coming to visit him because I’m sure it will help give him a bit of confidence back. Why don’t you tell him when you did that mea culpa stuff in Europe and the Middle East it only helped people understand that the US was as bad as they’d always thought it was.

By the way while you’re here please don’t mention the ETS. Now you’re not doing one it will only make Kevin feel like a bit of a goose.

We’re still hopeful that you can visit the Club.The local bakery has promised us buns with stars and stripes icing.

I’m pretty sure the Eels have got a home game while you’re here. Neville and I are both members so there would be no problem getting you good tickets.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most profound issues facing this region “What is New Zealand’s future role in world affairs?” I wasn’t prepared for what followed.

Cyril reckoned it is the ideal place to test Tony Abbott’s latest idea for tackling global warming, a huge snow-making machine.

Marge said it should become the next centre for world terrorism and give the Middle East a chance to settle things down a bit.

Our Mavis’ Bert saw the country as the centre for another major initiative against global warming, the grass diet. Twenty-two million sheep can’t be wrong. He reckoned that the New Zealand diet is an issue which has been eating away at sheep for some time.

Mildred believed New Zealand offered the ideal environment for the world’s leading sex addiction academy. She should know, she’s a qualified instructor.

Ron thought it should be declared a Peter Garrett free zone because it was already insulated from the rest of the world.

Doris suggested that the Australian Government should launch an advertising campaign in Afghanistan and Sri Lanka promoting New Zealand as the preferred destination for asylum seekers.

Fred was convinced that New Zealand’s future role in world affairs was similar to having your head in the sand at the end of a bungee jump.

I summed it all up by saying that my Kiwi mates would never speak to me again if they heard what had been said. And please don’t mention anything to Kevin.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Batt an eyelid - Friday, February 26th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

26th February 2010

Dear Mr President,

You are just not going to believe this. All four of those people who came to the Sarah Palin Roast and half-price beer night came back for our club meeting this week and are now paid up members. So that takes us to a total of twenty-two and there were actually twenty-three at the meeting because the cleaning lady stayed on.

Great excitement here this week over the government’s insulation scheme. It’s been a big shock to everyone and Peter Garrett’s in deep doodoo over it. Mind you it only goes to prove what I’ve always said. Greenies like Peter are great at stirring the possum but get them to organise something like batts in your belfry and they’re totally out of their environment.

You’re not going to believe this either. Tony Abbott’s given up sex for Lent. Neville said it was Mary MacKillop’s third miracle.

I saw Malcolm Turnbull on the telly last night and I can’t believe I’m saying this but he almost came across as likeable. You can’t help admiring him for supporting Kevin’s ETS although he probably hasn’t got the faintest idea what it’s all about just like the rest of us.

It doesn’t look like Malcolm will get a decent gig in the Coalition while the Mad Monk’s in charge so I hope Kevin finds a decent job for him. I wrote to him suggesting he should organise a new political party called the Don’t Knows. They’re already ahead of the Greens in the polls.

I had prepared to discuss some really profound international issues at the World Affairs Think Tank this week but all they wanted to talk about was the ETS and climate change. So I hastily changed the subject to ‘Climate Change, the ETS and ERF; are they all a con job?’

Cyril said he’d watched the weather forecast on Channel Nine News every day for over twenty years and there was no sign of the climate changing.

Marge said she hadn’t got a clue what the ETS is about. She couldn’t believe that the government wanted to charge everyone for smoke. She claimed her Alf blew smoke out of his backside at least twice a day and the ETS would make him unaffordable.

Our Mavis’ Bert said he had really tried hard to understand Tony Abbott’s ERF. He believed it was basically about persuading people to stay home in the dark, because electricity would be too expensive, and spend more time having sex as long as it wasn’t during Lent, with a catholic priest or with one of his daughters.

Mildred as usual was right on the money. She claimed that Copenhagen was a disaster because there’s no one size fit all climate change solution. Every country should decide what climate it wants and design an ETS or an ERF to make it happen. We should leave all the world stuff to Al Gore and also Kevin because obviously Australia doesn’t emit enough carbon to keep him fully interested.

I summed it all up by saying whatever our views we should all take part in Clean-up Australia this year. I couldn’t see what it’s got to do with climate change but I was sure there is a connection somewhere. What’s more this year there will be loads of waste batts to clean up.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Understanding Australian Ways - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

19th February 2010

Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are about your visit. Marge almost had to go to emergency last week because she was overheating.

The mayor is standing by and thinks he can get the day off if you can find time to visit Beauthaven. We haven’t heard back from your social secretary yet so perhaps you could jog her memory.

Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank this week the Club put on a Sarah Palin Roast and Half-Price Beer Night. It was a huge success but I think Neville got a bit upset about some of the things they said about Sarah because he fancies her just like Hillary. He once told me I was the same type as Sarah. Next thing he’ll be inviting me out moose-shooting.

I’m really excited that the Club picked up four new members at the Roast but I‘m not convinced we’ll keep them once the beer goes back to full price.

The committee thought it would be useful if I passed on a few tips about Australia to help you plan your trip. I know the embassy in Canberra will be briefing you but its not like they live in Australia.

Now I know you’re used to flying into major capital cities like London and Washington. Flying into Canberra may be a bit of a shock. Don’t be surprised if it seems like you’re flying into Kevin’s country estate instead.

The airport building is about half as big as Air Force One. In fact while you’re there some people might mistake it for the airport building.

Canberra’s not what you’d call a shopper’s paradise. If Michele wants to do any shopping here I suggest you drop her off in Sydney and I’ll show her round.

Mildred suggested I reassure you that it will be quite safe to go into the Australian Parliament because Peter Garrett hasn’t insulated the roof.

By the way there’s a whole lot of Afghans and Sri Lankans in Indonesia who are trying to get into Australia. When you call in there make sure your security guys are on the lookout for potential stowaways on Air Force One. It wouldn’t be a good look if you disembarked in Sydney with a bunch of asylum seekers.

You might have to be sprayed by the immigration authorities before you land in Canberra but usually they only spray septics who are Republicans.

I know you’ll have a great time in Canberra chatting up Kevin and Julia. They’re such lovely people. And I know you’ll do your best to be polite when you meet Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey; don’t be surprised if Joe’s dressed as Tinkerbell. And if Barnaby Joyce tells you to ‘bugger off’ that’s only the Nationals way of trying to be matey.

Oh and don’t be surprised by the Federal Parliament Building being partly underground. They designed it that way to conceal the fact that our politicians have got their heads buried in the sand.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Sexual Education from Tony Abbott - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

12th February 2010

Mr President,

I’m terribly worried about you and Kevin.

How can the two most brilliant, charismatic and loved leaders of our time be taking a bath in the opinion polls? Doesn’t the public recognise messiahs when they see them?

I know its all about democracy and everyone being entitled to their own opinion but how on earth could anyone rank Sarah Palin and Tony Abbott in the same league as you two?

Admittedly that Palin woman has got a bit of get up and go about her, is a dab hand at moose shooting and I’m sure Neville secretly fancies her but she does tend to shriek a bit and if she was invited to a tea party round here no-one else would turn up. Imagine her having the audacity to believe she’s in the same league as Hillary and all the other women Bill knows.

And as for Tony Abbott he’s just a rugby rah-rahing boxing, cycling, bush firefighting, womanising, ironmaning, lifesaving, Rhodes Scholaring, budgie smuggling larrikin who thinks that Kevin is nothing but a toxically boring, preening and prissying little two-faced nerd. There’s just no comparison. Neville can’t stand Tony because he didn’t play rugby league.

Kevin appeals to women much more than Tony. That’s because Tony’s dated most of them and they know what he’s like. He spent most of his younger years persuading them to give up their virginity and, mark my words, his big promise at the next election will be to give them all back.

This week the club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled an education issue of profound worldwide relevance; ‘Should we teach sex in schools?‘ We selected it specially to give you some guidance on future policy development in this vital area.

Marge made an unusually incisive contribution. She said it all depended on how you interpreted the question. She is all in favour of teaching sex in schools but not having sex in schools. Apparently it put her off for years.

Our Mavis’ Bert was adamant that teachers should be taught sex in schools because the students already know more than they do.

Gert wanted to know if there would be any homework and would it involve any practical assignments.

Cyril saw great opportunities to establish joint projects between boys and girls schools using a sophisticated ‘you can look at mine if I can look at yours’ teaching method.
Mildred was very much in favour of teaching drugs and rock and roll as well as sex. Further she pointed out that if girls were taught lap and pole dancing as well it would help them build on their sex education by opening up career opportunities.

Mervyn saw a problem in catholic schools where priests have traditionally taught the wrong sort of sex. He stressed that priests have got a strong track record on teaching the theory of marriage before sex but of course the practice is a virtual impossibility for them.

I summed it all up by saying that schools should have a place for teaching sex but it was still likely to be behind the toilet block or on the back seat of the headmaster’s car.

You will let me know if there’s anything special you would like Think Tank to tackle wont you?

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Trillions in Debt but KRudd will provide stimulus - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

5th February 2010

Dear Mr President,

I was having a cup of tea with Marge when all of a sudden they announced your March visit on the telly. We couldn’t believe it. Marge was so overcome she almost had an accident.

We haven’t got word on your schedule yet and heaven forbid we seem presumptive but you know you’ll get a wonderful welcome at the world’s first Obama Fan Club whether it’s for a keynote address or a cup of tea; but definitely not a Tea Party.

I’ll be in touch with your appointments secretary within the next week or two. It’s so exciting.

I know you’re a few trillions in the red at the moment so while you’re here don’t hesitate to tap Kevin for a stimulus package. I’m sure you qualify.

Tony Abbott’s just released his new carbon emissions reduction plan. I think its something he cooked up over the Christmas holidays. What a cheek to claim he’s got a package as good as the ETS which Kevin and Penny have been working on for years. I’m afraid we’re in for a long boring argument about who’s got the biggest and the one which emits less smoke.

By the way I’ve just checked and the RSL memorial hall will almost certainly be available during your visit. We could fit in a hundred and seventy-five at a pinch with a cup of tea and egg and lettuce sandwiches and Fred is confident he could arrange a tour of the local meatworks.

The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank has been worried about your Iran problem for some time. Bombing the place would not be a good look so soon after scoring the Nobel Peace Prize. So we devoted our session this week to creating alternative strategic tactics to dissuade Ahmadinejad from going ballistic and nuclear.

Fred made a very thoughtful first contribution to a Think Tank session. He was strongly in favour of stuffing up Iran completely by holding the next climate change conference there.

Mildred thought Ahmadinejad craved recognition. She suggested you invite him over to the White House and present him with a major international award like the World’s Worst Dressed President.

Our Mavis’ Bert had a brilliant idea. We should arrange an exchange agreement between the Iranian Government and the NSW Government. Ahmadinejad could advise the NSW Government on vote rigging techniques for the 2011 election and in return they could apply their North-West Metro project development model to his nuclear programme. That should put it back at least twenty years.

Our Mavis thought that Ahmadinejad would feel a natural political affinity with the NSW Shooters Party.

Marge had the idea of the night. She reckoned that as Ahmadinejad was so keen on sponsoring terrorists the Pittsburgh Steelers offered him better value for money than Hamas. They’re always on the telly and they strike terror into everyone.

I was at a loss to sum up such brilliance. Please feel free to take your pick of any of these and don’t forget to give Hillary a comprehensive briefing.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Australia Day and Abbotts Peaching of Sanctity of Virginity - Friday, January 29th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

29th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

You’d love Australia Day. It’s the day when Australians behave the like they’re supposed to behave. Most of them would be arrested on any other day in the year. I had a wonderful time at the Beauthaven multicultural sausage sizzle and this year Neville managed to get home from the RSL without the assistance of the ambulance service or the police.

Nothing much happens in Australia during January. Kevin’s been at the MCG and SCG pretending he likes cricket and Tony Abbott’s been advising women to hang on to their virginity as long as possible presumably to give him time to get round them all.

I loved your quote about preferring to be an effective president for one term rather than a mediocre one for two. Stuffing up a country shouldn’t take any longer than four years. If George W had only taken that long we could already have had four more years to recover.

I had to laugh about that advertising campaign in the UK which poses the question who is the bigger terrorist you or Ahmadinejad. Apparently Ahmadinejad has already voted for you.

Papua New Guinea are undertaking an interesting social experiment. All the inmates have escaped from the prisons and so the rest of the population have locked themselves away. I hope it all turns out for the best because the joint wasn’t working the other way round.

Following Tony Abbott’s comments about virginity this week our World Affairs Think Tank debated one of the most profound social issues facing the world today “Should women retain their virginity until marriage?”

Gladys opened the debate with a resounding ‘yes’. She said that in her experience affairs were much more meaningful after marriage.

Our Mavis’ Bert strongly disagreed. He claimed that if virginity is left alone for too long it tended to go off so it should have a strict ‘use-by’ date.

Our Mavis said pre-marital sex has enabled her to break through the glass ceiling although swinging from chandeliers is not everyone’s cup of tea.

Cyril said that women don’t understand how valuable their virginity is until they put it up for auction on e-bay.

Marge expressed the strong view that women should lose their virginity around eighteen and regain it pre-marriage. They can do amazing things with botox these days.

Mildred claimed it all depended on a woman’s chosen career path. If aspirations leaned towards becoming a nun or headmistress of a girl’s school then virginity was a prime job qualification. On the other hand virginity would have severely handicapped her pathway to stardom as a Vegas lap dancer.

Arthur believed that male virginity was a papal fantasy and the Catholic Church would be a place where you could safely take children if priests could lose it responsibly like everyone else.

It was left to me to sum up this incredibly incisive and emotional exchange of views. I recalled that the loss of virginity was the most complex decision I’m ever likely to make in the back set of a car. I stressed that in making such a decision a woman had to be absolutely clear about what sort of position it could get her into.

I’ll bet you don’t get this sort of stimulating social stuff from anywhere else.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Hillary cancels and everyone loves Willy - Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

22nd January 2010

Dear Mr President,

We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.

We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.

What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.

You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?

I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.

Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.

Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.

Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.

Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.

Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.

Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.

Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.

I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.

I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo
President

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Hillary coming down under, Bill in bush and Prince touring - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

15th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are. We’ve just heard that Hillary is coming to Australia next week and would you believe Prince William is coming at the same time. It’s a good job she’s not a republican.

We obviously couldn’t invite both of them to address the Obama Fan Club during the same week, so we held an emergency meeting of the management committee and chose Hillary because she’s such a wonderful woman and so close to you.

I hope you don’t mind but we’ve sent her a direct message inviting her to our meeting on the nineteenth. She gets booked up so early and I dare say your ambassador Jeff Bleach has already booked her in for a nosh or two with Kevin.

We also told her to bring Bill along too if he’s coming with her. You may recall I told you that Mildred met Bill when she was a pole dancer in Vegas. If we can find a pole I’m sure he’d recognise her.

The Japanese are furious with Julia over whales. She’s doing the PM’s job while Kevin is away writing children’s books.

When it comes to whales there’s a huge cultural difference between the Aussies and the Japs. They believe they should be harpooned and eaten while we see them as cuddly creatures who deserve a better fate than being served as sashimi.

Julia’s thrown one of her headmistress wobblers telling the Japs to stop sinking the protesters’ boats which are trying to sink their whaling ships and suggesting more controversial places to stick their harpoons.

Meanwhile the Japs have told her in no uncertain terms to keep her nose out of it and you can understand why. It’s very large and pointed and would be a very effective substitute for a harpoon.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think-tank debated whether the Copenhagen Conference had been any use at all.

Hilda said it was inspiring that delegates could still get their knickers in a knot about global warming when they were suffering from frostbite.

Gladys who’s never said anything before made a very critical contribution. She reckoned the Conference would have been a huge success if the other forty thousand delegates had just turned up for the last day like you. It was the previous ten days that caused all the problems.

Neville thought the conference in Mexico might go better because the climate will allow the delegates to demonstrate solar power and not just their wind power.

Mildred made a very astute observation. She reckoned there were too many people there. China and the US got distracted. All you need is a conference where those two agree to a reasonable reduction in emissions and the rest of us can carry on as usual.

I summed up the meeting by blaming Tony Abbott for the mess in Copenhagen. It was his fault the rest of the world didn’t get the chance to adopt Kevin and Penny’s ETS. Though perhaps they were not so inclined to be Penny foolish as pound wise.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Kevin: Our model leader - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

8th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I hope you and the family had a beaut time in Hawaii and are enjoying a preposterous New Year.

Neville and I went to watch the fireworks at Sydney Harbour on New Year’s Eve and I’m very pleased to report that crowd behaviour was much improved on last year and Neville wasn’t even moved along by the police let alone arrested.

Things in Australia have been pretty quiet since Copenhagen went up in smoke. Kevin’s hardly said a word and poor old Penny Wong’s been wheeled out to do the disaster relief. What a pity you couldn’t get to the Copenhagen shindig earlier to give Kevin a bit more wind power.

Now as you know I’m not a racist and we even have an Obama Fan Club member whose mother came from Vietnam, but I must say I was very proud of what Kevin said about immigrants the other day. You can read it below and I recommend you include it in your State of the Union address but don’t forget to substitute the US where it says Australia.

It was Peter Garrett’s turn this week to call Tony Abbott a sceptic, a disgrace and a neanderthal and I can quite understand that. But I do wish the Labor Party would stop ranting on about the ETS being the only way to save us from hell and damnation. They sound like our local vicar. If the ETS gets rejected a third time perhaps Kevin will take Holy Orders and try the power of prayer. I think he’d look lovely in a dog collar.

The Obama Fan Club has made an exciting New Year’s Resolution. We have decided that each week the Club will analyse a truly vital issue in world affairs and send you our conclusions in the weekly newsletter. I knew you’d be rapt because it’s going to be such a powerhouse of great ideas both for you and Hillary.

The issue we dug our teeth into this week was ‘Should Aussies go to Fiji for a holiday while Frank Brontemarina’s undemocratic mob are still in power?’

I was gobsmacked by the sheer intellectual impact we generated. The evening was sponsored by Fred’s Fiji Fantasy Fly-Aways who gave us free fried rice for two at the Nadi Chinese as a raffle prize.

Mildred opened the session by saying we should take no notice of Frank and just book our holidays as usual because if we don’t Treasure Island will go bust with or without him.

Marge thought we should go to Bali instead because she’d heard the terrorists there were democratically elected.

Hilda thought we should still go to Fiji but protest by painting anti-Frank slogans on our bodies and demonstrating naked on a beach. Neville thought that was a bigger threat to Fiji’s tourism than Frank.

I summed up the meeting expertly be saying that Aussies should only go to Fiji if we pay rock bottom packaged holiday prices in August and only drink Aussie beer instead of Fiji Bitter. That way we minimise the ready that Frank can get his hands on.

Brilliant don’t you think and if Al Gore’s right about sea levels Frank will soon have trouble keeping his head above water.

Don’t forget to pass this on to Hillary.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Whole world Needs A Leader Like This!

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation’s mosques. Quote:

‘IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. ‘

‘This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom’

‘We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society. Learn the language!’

‘Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.’

‘We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.’

‘This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, ‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE‘.’

‘If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.’

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