Obama Fan Club Newsletters
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
25th June 2010
Dear Mr President,
Prepare yourself for a shock. On second thoughts prepare for a few of them.
Kevin’s been knifed. I know, I couldn’t believe it myself. And here’s the hard part for me. The main people who did it were the NSW Right. So my heroes have knifed my knight in shining armour – after you of course.
I sat down, had a good cry, a couple of gin and tonics and pulled myself together. You know how much I loved Kevin but the party’s bigger than people.
I called an immediate meeting of the Obama Fan Club to discuss what we should do.
First we decided to send a letter of condolence to Kevin thanking him for his fine contribution to Australia and inviting him to come and give us a keynote address. That should perk him up a bit.
Then we decided that we should support Julia because if the NSW Right backed her in she can’t be all that bad of a leftie; not the loony sort anyway.
Now I don’t think I’ve told you this but I’ve recently been made president of the Beauthaven Branch of the Australian Labor Party. Pretty impressive huh? Mildred suggested that I should get a group of women together in the branch to support the first female Aussie prime minister. That was adopted unanimously by the women in the Club and rejected by the men who were outvoted.
So we’ve created the Gillard Girls faction of the Beauthaven ALP Branch and we’ve resolved to give Julia every possible help just like we’ve given you.
Now I come to my next shock. This new direction means that we won’t be able to maintain regular meetings of the Obama Fan Club and this will be the last regular Newsletter from Australia.
I know how much you’ll be disappointed because you’ve come to rely so heavily on our stuff. I hope you’ll understand, however, that we feel the ALP and Julia need us more than you do.
By the way I’d appreciate you breaking the news to Hillary because she’s come to rely on us so much as well. Wonderful woman.
As a final gesture I asked the Club members if they’d got any brilliant ideas on how to tackle your oil spill. Madge suggested issuing an oil-can to every American and sending them down to the Gulf of Mexico to fill them up. That way the Gulf gets cleaned up and everyone gets a free can of oil.
And Neville suggested each can could carry the slogan ‘Yes we oil-can’. What an idiot.
Mildred asked me the other day if I could imagine Tony Abbott as prime minister of Australia. I couldn’t at first but when I forced myself it came as such a shock that I had to have a sit down. That’s why Gillard’s Girls have got to step up to the plate. I’m into baseball as well you know.
It’s been an honour to be of such great service to you. Don’t hesitate to ask if there’s ever anything that requires our special expertise. But your mate Jeff Bleich the ambassador should be able to step up and take on the extra responsibility.
Have a great rest of your presidency and we’ll keep in touch.
Toodle-oo for now,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama humor, BP oil leak, Gaelene Woo, Gillard Girls, Hillary Clinton, Jeff Bleich, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Tony Abbott satire
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
17th June 2010
Dear Mr President,
You know how terribly worried I’ve been about Kevin. Well things are going from bad to the Gulf of Mexico.
I’m afraid Kevin’s becoming a leftie like Julia.
Neville and I are true believers which means we support the NSW Right. That’s the dominant Labor Party faction in Australia and nothing happens anywhere these days without it being power-broked by Joe Tripodi.
The great men of the Australian Labor Party like Wran, Keating and Carr all came from the NSW Right. And Mark Arbib who used to run it before Joe was instrumental in elevating Kevin to the top. He was also responsible for making that hopeless leftie Nathan Rees the NSW Premier but I suppose we all lose our bearings from time to time.
Now you would think that Kevin would show a bit of consideration to the NSW Right in return for their support especially as he comes from Queensland. Not a bit of it. He goes and tries to impose a huge tax on the mining industry, robbing the rich to pay the poor. It’s the sort of leftie stuff you’d expect from Julia but not him.
Joe Tripodi must be furious. I’ll bet he’s power-broking like mad trying to get a true believer to replace Kevin.
Now you know how fond I am of Kevin. That’s why I’m so upset. Even Marge now thinks he’s a piker. It’s all over the papers that Julia could tap him on the shoulder at any moment, from the left side of course.
He keeps talking about reform programmes but if anyone needs a bloody reform programme it’s him. If he doesn’t get reformed soon he could end up like Nancy Pelosi.
Now they’re saying his problem is anger. Tell you what if Tony Abbott was calling me ‘a toxic bore’, ‘a coward’ and ‘a prissy prattling little nerd’ all the time I’d be furious too.
I’ve always said Kevin’s problem is constipation and I’m talking bowel movements not legislative delays.
And now it turns out his closest confidantes are three young lads. They probably sit round the office all day talking about footy and sex.
It seems to be a disaster every time Kevin does something and every time Tony says something. A combination of the two would create the perfect disaster.
I’ve racked my brains for a way to get Kevin back on the path of the true believers. We’ve got to stop leftie Julia getting the top job. We can’t have someone from the Victorian left running the country. Her education revolution has caused enough class warfare.
I think I’ll use my position as vice-president of the Beauthaven branch of the Australian Labor Party. I’ll get a meeting with Joe Tripodi to see if we can shaft Julia and make true believer Mark Arbib the next cab off the rank after Kevin.
If Kevin gets rissoled better to have a true believer in The Lodge rather than someone from Queensland right, the Victoria left or the red centre.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo.
President
Tags: Barack Obama humor, Bob Carr satire, BP oil leak, Joe Tripodi humour, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Mike Wran humor, Nancy Pelosi humor, Nathan Rees satire, Paul Keating satire, Tony Abbott satire
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
11th June 2010
Dear Mr. President,
Look we quite understand why you had to can your visit to Australia again so don’t be embarrassed will you.
Frankly its not a good time for Kevin. He’s in a terrible tizz at the moment about whether he should run the mining industry or whether they should run him.
If you ask me I think it will end up with Kevin being undermined. Sorry, I just can’t help myself sometimes.
Kevin’s problem is he’s getting a bit stale. He hasn’t been overseas since Copenhagen – I think that put him off junkets – but the longer he stays in Australia the more his poll numbers go down.
Perhaps you could invite him over for a gabfest in Washington. It would freshen him up a bit and he’s good at talking. It’s only when he tries to do things that the rot seems to set in.
He might be able to help you with all that glug in the Gulf of Mexico caused by British Petroleum or Pommy Petrol as we call them over here.
Admittedly he’s pretty hopeless at cleaning up his own messes but he might have better luck with somebody else’s.
The latest poll numbers look so bad for Kevin that there’s talk of Julia or Tony Abbott getting the job.
Neville said that if Tony becomes prime minister it would be like a hooker being appointed Minister for Social Services.
Julia’s such a wonderful woman but somehow I don’t see her as another Kevin. Truth to tell I’m a bit thingy about women lawyers. And what’s more she was a young Trotskyite who came from South Wales. I’m not holding all that against her of course but I’m surprised by her views on the super profits tax because she came over here as a miner.
Our Mavis’ Bert thinks she’ll become prime minister because she’s got more sex appeal than Kevin. Bert’s always had strange tastes in women though. You should see our Mavis.
Marge doesn’t like her health policies and questioned the position she’ll take with dentists. Fred said she’ll lie back and open her mouth like everyone else.
Albert said it would be like having Madam Lash as prime minister. But he’d line up for a spanking don’t you worry.
Mildred said it would be great to have a prime minister who is single because then we’d be clear about who’s running the country.
Mavis thought it would be lovely to have Julia in the Lodge with her partner the haircare specialist. When they entertain you and Michelle he could give her a rinse and blow-dry and she could give you a few hairy moments.
My view it that if Kevin fails to mine the super profits tax his poll numbers will fall faster than a cage down a mineshaft. On the other hand if Julia doesn’t fix the BER mess she’ll be sent back to school for lessons in an uncovered outside learning area during a snowstorm.
You know what I think? You should make that trip over here as soon as possible. After a few days with Kevin, Julia and Tony you’ll even look forward to getting back to that Pommy Petrol problem.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: BER, British Petroleum, Coperhagen, Gaelene Woo, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Madam Lash, Obama Fan Club, Obama satire, super profits tax, Tony Abbott satire
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
28th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m terribly worried abut Wayne. He’s come up with this budget which all depends on gouging squillions out of the mining industry and I think he’s totally stuffed it.
This Hooray Henry bloke did a review of the Aussie Tax System and comes up with a hundred and thirty odd recommendations to reduce the number of taxes and one to introduce a new one. And so what do you think Wayne does? You’ve guessed it. He ignores the one hundred and thirty odd recommendations but introduces the new tax.
Even Tony Abbott could see that was asking for trouble let alone Blind Freddie.
Wayne is promising to do all sorts of wonderful things on corporate tax and super and save us from debt with money he hasn’t got and doesn’t look like getting. It’s like me promising to buy Neville a brewery from my winnings when the Eels win the premiership in September.
I can’t believe dear Kevin agreed to all this. He must have been smoking something.
Believe me I’m not a fan of the mining companies, but if Wayne carries on with this super profits thing they’ll soon be exporting themselves rather than iron ore.
Then a crack will appear in Wayne’s bottom line and he’ll start crapping over all of us.
I think Kevin and Wayne are actually trying to kibosh Western Australia because they’ve got a state Liberal Government who won’t cough a third of their GST to Kevin for hospitals. They’re worried that if they don’t slow down the mining industry over there the WA economy will soon be bigger than the rest of Australia.
The threat of the new mining tax has sent the Aussie dollar plunging. Wayne has single-handedly already increased the cost of our Fiji holiday by ten percent. I feel like sending him the bill.
Then he has the absolute gall to say that his super profits tax will be good for the mining industry because it will slow things down. I mean doesn’t the clown understand it will also slow his super tax receipts down? I think Wayne’s losing it.
I’ve written a letter to Kevin suggesting that Wayne should have some time off to export himself to China.
We discussed the super profits tax at the Obama Fan Club this week. Marge who is an even bigger Kevin supporter than I am thinks that Wayne’s doing all this because he goes on holiday to Noosa and the falling dollar doesn’t affect him.
Mavis’ cousin works down a mine and says if Kevin is right and our minerals belong to all Australians why won’t they let him take home his share every night?
Albert thinks Wayne is a financial genius and compared with Albert he probably is.
I feel so strongly about it that I’ve also written to Kevin warning him that a super profits tax will put an end to super profits. Although I must say that if Twiggy Forrest’s bank balance becomes as slim as that other Twiggy it won’t fuss me too much.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, China, falling Australian dollar, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Government, mining tax, Obama Fan Club, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Twiggy Forrest, Wayne Swan
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
21st May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
You’re not going to believe this. Kevin’s approval ratings are going down faster than Neville’s first can of VB. I’m worried that by the time you visit him next month he wont have any left.
How people can turn against this hero who rescued us from the global financial crisis goodness only knows. It would be like Parra supporters razzing Jarryd Hayne after he destroyed the Manly silvertails last Monday.
I don’t know about you but sometimes I can’t decide whether to believe these polls or not. They were obviously spot on when they showed Kevin’s numbers going through the roof faster than an insulation fire but now nothing seems to have changed and suddenly he’s on the nose everywhere.
Well the Obama Fan Club has had enough of this nonsense. We decided to set the record straight with our own poll.
We polled fifty people representative of a broad cross section of our community at Beauthaven RSL, Parra Leagues and the Obama Fan Club. The results will absolutely gobsmack you.
On the question of preferred prime minister there were forty votes for Kevin, eight for Julia, one for our Mavis’ Bert and none for Tony. One guy voted for Fuifui Moimoi but we declared it invalid.
I’m not yet sure about Julia because she’s a bit on the left side for me. Wonderful woman though. And I have to admit that communism seems to be more fashionable these days but you’d know all about that.
The next question was ‘do you approve of Kevin’s hospitals policy or Tony’s non-policy?’ The result was forty-nine to one in favour of Kevin. The person who voted for Tony suffers Chronic Kevin Syndrome. Every time he hears Kevin speak he loses touch with reality and has to be rushed to a funny farm.
Then we asked ‘are you in favour of Kevin’s super profits tax topping up your super?’ There were only two votes against from guys who are miners. I wont tell you where they said Kevin could stick his super profits tax but even mining companies who dig deep into the bowels of the earth wouldn’t be keen to dig it out from there.
Our next question ‘how would you rate Kevin’s handling of the home insulation scheme, inspiring, brilliant or competent’ (tick one)’ met with a most unfortunate response. We didn’t pursue it after a woman at Parra Leagues whose roof had caught fire yelled out that Kevin couldn’t organise a product trial in a condom factory.
The response to ‘how do you rate Julia’s handling of the BER programme?’ was also disappointing. Our local school in Beauthaven was promised a COLA but it turned out to be a covered outside lavatory area. I had to admit that’s hardly the way to put bums on seats.
Finally we asked ‘if there was a federal election tomorrow, who would you vote for?’ Two said Labor, one said the Coalition and forty-seven said they’d need more time to make up their mind.
So our poll proved conclusively that the polls in the papers have got it all wrong about Kevin. I’ll send him a copy of our results to give him a bit of encouragement.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: BER, COLA, Eels, Gaelene Woo, global financial crisis, healthcare reform, home insulation scheme, hospitals, Jarryd Hayne, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Newspoll, super profits tax
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
14th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I don’t know whether you’ve met Wayne Swan but I’ve always thought he was not a bad sort of bloke and I loved the way he used to stick it up John Howard and Peter Costello.
He seemed to me like a poor man’s Kevin, although the way Kevin’s travelling at the moment he’ll soon become a poor man’s Wayne.
There’s always been something about Wayne that I’ve never quite sussed. It’s not so much he’s a Swan with duck’s disease because I’ve got nothing against small men but I’ve always found him just a bit too bumptious and a little too much of the try-hard. Know what I mean?
But his budget this week changed all that. He’s been promoted to my A list.
It’s obvious to people like me who are students of politics that this was the first Australian budget developed in cooperation with the Chinese. Wayne cleverly got them to underwrite his budget by persuading them to buy mountains of iron ore without a discount.
And the Chinese don’t mind about Wayne pocketing most of the miner’s profits because they’re pissed at having to pay them a packet for iron ore when all they do is dig it out of the ground.
I daresay as a reciprocal gesture Wayne is helping the Chinese government sort out their budget and Kevin’s translating all his stuff. What a team.
Wayne did rabbit on a bit about how Australia’s economic resurgence is all thanks to him and Kevin. You’d think he’d give a bit of the credit to China.
This new arrangement means if the budget turns out to be a monumental disaster Wayne can blame China as well as John Howard.
Source: SMH
Actually Wayne does have a fallback position even if the bucks from China dry up. He could increase the price of smokes by ten dollars and put a picture of himself on each packet with the slogan ‘Not smoking can cause the Treasurer a heart attack’.
One thing I could kiss Wayne for is reducing those interminable hours I have to spend on tax returns. I have to do all ours since Neville was fined for making a false declaration. He claimed his Eels season ticket was a charitable contribution to the disabled.
Wayne promised the budget will be in surplus in three years but I hope the Chinese understand what he’s letting them in for.
A word of advice in case you’re intending to ask for a loan when you come here next month. I don’t think Wayne will have any spare until he starts excavating it from the mining companies. I’d advise going direct to China like you usually do.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Chinese Government, cigarette tax, Eels, Federal Budget, Gaelene Woo, iron ore, John Howard, Obama Fan Club, Peter Costello, President of US, President of USA, US President, Wayne Swan
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
7th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
You know how much I love Kevin but I can’t help feeling a bit shitty with him this week.
If there’s one thing Neville and I hate more than the Eels being beaten by Manly its doing tax returns. They’re such a damned nuisance and if you make a mistake the Tax Office treats you like a Manly supporter at Parramatta Stadium.
So when Kevin and Wayne got some Hooray Henry to do a review of the tax system ‘Hoo-bloody-ray’ I thought. He’s bound to find that we’re spending far too much time on being government tax agents and they’re nicking far too much tax off us.
Would you believe Hooray Henry made one hundred and thirty-eight recommendations to change the tax system and Kevin’s activated two.
I’m outraged. Not a single word of apology from anyone about taking up too much of our time filling in GSTs and BASs and taking too much tax off us, nor a word of thanks for all the thousands Neville and I have contributed over the years.
And I’ll tell you what really gets my goat. There was diddly-squat about checking whether the government wasting all that tax money. I hope they haven’t squandered my taxes on the crappy COLAs, batts and the ETS.
I used to think that Kevin wore a hard hat in case something fell on him at a building site but it’s just dawned on me that its because people are throwing stuff at him.
I’m so disappointed. I almost think the best thing Kevin could do for working families is bugger off. I’m sorry, I know I get carried away and I’ll probably love Kevin again next week because sure as hell I’ll never vote for that Tony Abbott.
And then if there wasn’t enough bad news this week Malcolm’s changed his mind about retiring. I must say however that I enjoyed his time as leader of the Coalition because Kevin hit record poll numbers as preferred prime minister.
But just imagine what it would be like if Tony became prime minister. They could shut the parliament in Canberra because his government would operate like the Tour de France.
If Julia’s got a Field Marshal’s baton in her knapsack now might be the time to dust it off and start conducting a few overtures to her Labor Party colleagues.
We didn’t have World Affairs Think Tank session this week because Mildred, who was supposed to organise it, went off for a dirty weekend with a St George supporter. That’s the only sort of weekend you can expect from that mob.
Sorry to hear about your oil problem. Our Mavis’ Bert knows a guy who works at BP but he didn’t think he could help.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: BAS, BP, Coalition, COLA, ETS, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, Julia Gillard, Labor Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Manly, Parramatta, Roger Pugh, St George, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
30th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m sure you’ve heard of ANZAC Day. It’s the time when all our brave lads who survived the wars go out to remember those who didn’t. But some of them like Neville get so hammered they forget what they’re supposed to remember.
This year they had a new fallen comrade. Neville was so pissed that on his way home he fell into a roadworks trench and cut his head. He reckons he should get a medal for being wounded in the trenches.
Anyway I had to rush him down to the hospital to get it stitched.
Kevin’s been rabbiting on for weeks about how he’s going to fix hospitals so I thought I’d check him out. When we got to the emergency department I told them we expected Kevin class service. They laughed their heads off, stuck a plaster on Neville’s head and made us wait five hours for the stitches. Tell you what, Kevin’s a great talker but when it comes to action he instantly reduced everyone in the hospital to stitches except of course poor old Neville.
I don’t know what it is with the Greens. Kevin said the greatest moral challenge of our time was to get into bed with the Greens on climate change. Following the events in Western Australia and Kevin’s decision to dump the ETS it seems the greatest moral challenge of our time is not to get into bed with the Greens.
David Bartlett and Troy Buswell should both reflect on the fact that the Greens policy is not to chop down trees only people.
The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank met this week to discuss a topic of profound global significance, “Who is the biggest pain in the arse in the world today?”
Fred started off proceedings by claiming it was me. Bloody cheek. Marge reckons its Tony Abbott because she can’t stand him but still gets dirty thoughts when she sees him in his tight-fitting lycra cycling gear.
Our Elsie’s brother Cyril reckons its Archbishop Pell because he’s a celibate bloke who presumes to advise women on what they should do with their bodies when he and his uncelibate mates are much more qualified.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckons it’s Julia Gillard (how could he?) because she’s been in love with Mark Latham, Kim Beazley, Tony Abbott and Craig Emerson and still blames John Howard for everything.
Mildred reckons its Warren Beatty because she was madly in love with him but it now turns out he’s slept with 29,999 others.
Madge reckons it’s a tie between Ahadinejad and Hugo Chavez because they’ve got their head so far up each others arses that when one of them farts he gives the other a stinking headache.
Marj reckons its Al Gore because he failed to warn us about the biggest disaster of all, himself.
I reckon it’s David Gallop the CEO of the NRL because despite all the letters I’ve written to him he still allows referees who hate the Eels to ruin our matches and he’s threatened me with a lifetime ban if I go out on the ground to advise them how to do it better.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahadinejad, Al Gore, ANZAC Day, Archbishop Pell, Craig Emerson, David Bartlett, David Gallop, Eels, ETS, Gaelene Woo, Hugo Chavez, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kim Beazley, Mark Latham, NRL, the Greens, Tony Abbott, Troy Buswell, Warren Beatty
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
24th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
The Obama Fan Club wanted me to tell you how thrilled we all are about your successes in healthcare and nuclear disarmament. We passed a resolution at Tuesday’s meeting congratulating you on meeting our expectations. We’ll send you a copy of the minutes for framing.
A motion by some misguided loon that we should change our name to the Rudd Fan Club was defeated 23-1. We love Kevin but he’s not in your class.
It was the unanimous view of Club members that the World Affairs Think Tank should address the asylum seeker crisis in Australia because its such a worry. I knew you’d be interested and I’ll send our conclusions to Kevin who doesn’t seem to be any better after spending so much time in hospitals.
As the Think Tank chairperson I warned members against using racist remarks or making racist accusations during the session. That was my job.
Madge got us going with a particularly incisive address. She said it was an absolute disgrace that people smugglers were making so much money out of asylum seekers. If we just sit back and let it happen one day they’ll have enough money to buy a cruise ship big enough to ferry thousands at a time from Indonesia to Christmas Island. Or perhaps they’ll just lease the Oceanic Viking.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckoned Australia should tax the people smugglers to pay for Christmas Island.
Mavis asserted that Kevin was right to hold Sri Lankan and Afghan asylum seekers in detention pending a decision to send them home where all is peace and serenity. Her brother reckons there’s no Tea Parties in Sri Lanka and her nephew is in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban and hasn’t been shot or anything.
Eunice believed that asylum seekers suffer from the delusion that Australia is a sort of paradise or a Kevin07 heaven.
Mildred said she couldn’t cope with the current level of multiculturalism let alone making it more complicated. She’s still trying to understand Aboriginal reconciliation and always gets wind from Chinese food.
Marj thought the asylum seeker detention centres are ghastly places just like the motel her uncle runs in Albury.
Elsie said we should stop all immigration immediately. They bring in more carbon footprints, need extra hospital beds which Kevin can’t afford and goodness knows how many extra COLAs their kids will need at a million bucks a throw.
Neville said he was disappointed that Kevin’s new policy had failed to attract boatloads of hot sheilas to seek asylum here.
I summed up by saying that first we need to tackle the people smugglers issue. We should only accept asylum seekers brought in by Aussie people smugglers because we could trust them.
Then we should concentrate on giving priority to asylum seekers who are good looking, potential Eels supporters and Labor voters. They’d have no problems integrating round here.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Aborigines, Afghan, Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, COLA, detention centres, hospital plan, hospitals, hot sheilas, Indonesia, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Obama Fan Club, Oceanic Viking, people smugglers, President of USA, Taliban, US President, World Affairs Think Tank
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