Don’t Kill Bill
Ged and Sally call in Bill to discuss why his career at the AWU is such an embarrassment to the union movement.
“Look Bill” said Ged “we thought the fallout at the AWU caused by the machinations of Julia’s ex-boyfriend was a disaster but you’re tenure there as Secretary is proving to be a calamity”
“It’s only Malcolm making trouble” protested Bill “I’m as close to sainthood as is humanly possible for a former Secretary of the AWU”
“But Bill” said Sally sternly “your shenanigans make the CFMEU look like a branch of the Salvos. I know I said it’sok for unions to break the law but you carried on like you were the President of Brazil”
“From now on Bill” said Ged dead seriously “we’re putting you on a very short lead. If you don’t get your act together soon we’re going to have to start scrubbing up Albo as PM material but not before we’ve checked whether he’s made any dodgy donations to the South Sydney Rabbitohs”
“First of all” instructed Sally “you’ve got to stop wasting most of your time shit-canning Malcolm. Everyone already knows he’s a dipstick dilettante. You should instead be continually telling everybody how brilliant you are in the same way as Trump”
“But people would think I’m just big-noting myself” protested Bill “in a desperate effort to look like a future Prime Minister”
“Bill let’s face it” said Ged sympathetically “even if you had plastic surgery that made you the spitting image of Keating you’re never going to look like a future Prime Minister. We’re simply trying to make you look less like a union reject”
“And you’ve got to stop appearing on tv in a hard-hat” added Sally “it looks like someone is trying to fit a large melon into a small bowl by turning them upside down”
“And another thing” said Ged “for heaven’s sake stop appearing on tv in front of a row of nodders. They look like they’re being activated by a switch at Party HQ”
“It’s vital you start giving straight answers to questions” directed Sally “so far you’ve given no indication whatsoever that it could have been Malcolm who gave that donation to GetUp!”
“Finally” revealed Ged “I’ve made arrangements for you to acquire medically induced amnesia for the period covering your employment at the AWU”
“Will all that ensure my complete readiness to become PM?” asked Bil“Well almost” replied Ged “we’ll also need to create a fake news campaign about Malcolm’s plans to exile the CFMEU to Nauru and Manus Island”
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall at a meeting of the SA Best Party when Nick Xenophon discussed strategies for the upcoming state election. He has just sent in this report on a roll of flypaper.
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Celebrated Canberra correspondent Dick Head interviews Kevin Rudd on whether it’s him that’s Not For The Faint-Hearted or his book.
Accentuating The Positive
In another of her enthralling dissertations about life in The Lodge Lucy reveals how she gained the inspiration for her innovative plan to save Malcolm from a ‘NO’ vote.
It’s All The Rage
The Friday Mash Motoring Editor discusses the latest techniques for preventing outbreaks of road rage.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Pudding Club members consider whether Brexit will be a disruption that offers as many benefits as Uber and Airbnb.
Tanking With Tony
Friday Mash is pleased to be able to publish these left-wing leaks from a learned paper on the state of the world today shortly to be published by the Tony Abbott Think Tank.