It is hard to describe the public acclaim which greeted the NSW Government’s ninth transport plan in ten years.

Commentators have marvelled at the absolute consistency between the nine plans and have confidently forecast that the ninth will have exactly the same non-effect in solving Sydney traffic problems as all the rest of them.

The Labor Government seems incapable of grasping that plans in themselves are not enough, but traffic experts have sounded a note of caution pointing out that, given the government’s track record, doing nothing is probably the preferred option.

The latest plan has been dubbed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’. Sydney commentators were quick to point out it conforms to the first part of the slogan on which the government was elected ‘More to do but moving in the right direction’ but doesn’t promote movement in any direction let alone the right one.

A key underlying objective of ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ seems to be isolating Western Sydney from the CBD and encouraging it to become a suburb of Melbourne. The new Aussie Rules franchise out there could be the first step in the transfer to be finalised by 2020 when it will be quicker to travel to Melbourne from Bankstown than to the Sydney CBD.

The Government is obviously concerned that if they provide Sydney commuters with a coherent road network they will abandon the daily torture of train travel in droves and leap into their cars. This would upset the delicate balance in transport chaos, resulting in the new road network becoming hopelessly gridlocked and obliging the government to finally fund a decent rail service.

Tourists visiting the world’s number one travel destination should be warned not to expect much touring. They need to understand that the local transport system is carefully designed to ensure they’ll enjoy their visit far more by staying in one place.

One of the new plan’s great strengths is the provision of an exciting new revenue stream for the government. Motorists who are gridlocked on motorways for more than a few minutes could get parking fees deducted from their e-tag balance.

Despite its avowed metrosexuality the state government has made a premature withdrawal from the CBD Metro with no real prospect of a future climax or conception.

Environmentalists have hailed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ as a significant step in the fight against global warming. They are convinced it will achieve a huge reduction in Sydney’s carbon footprint by causing many commuters to abandon all hope of getting to the CBD and back in one day and employers to install office seats which convert into beds.

In desperation some clinicians have offered to provide stents to unblock the main Sydney traffic arteries. However there is another body of medical opinion which believes the correct treatment is a governmental enema.

The William St and Cross-city Tunnel debacles tend to confirm that the Labor Government actually doing something about Sydney’s transport problems would promote a sinking feeling akin to Peter Garrett being given responsibility for fixing Australia’s submarine fleet.

Sydneysiders may take comfort in the fact that the Government only has time for one more transport plan at the most and no time to do anything really disastrous.

Kristina will be staying in Wonderland and just like the rest of us will not be going anywhere in a hurry.