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A Grease and Oil Change - Friday, June 4th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

4th June 2010

Dear Mr. President,

I couldn’t help laughing the other day. Someone in the US criticised your government for wanting too much control over people’s lives. We’ve got to keep the government out of our bedrooms he said. That wouldn’t be a problem for me I thought because they’re bound to be a big improvement there on Neville.

All the members of the Obama Fan Club are terribly worried about your oil disaster and want to do all we can to help.

I convened a special meeting of our World Affairs Think Tank to try and come up with some inspiring ideas for you.

Our Mavis’ Bert said the oil mess was typical of the Poms because they still have an empire mentality. People like British Petroleum think nothing of crapping all over the colonies.

Our Mavis reckoned it was about time you poured oil on troubled waters until it was pointed out to her that the waters only become troubled because someone poured oil on them in the first place.

Marge thought that you should rename the Gulf of Mexico the BP sea.

Albert said the oil spill started six weeks ago, is still gushing out and he reckoned you have just been sitting on it. His wife said it was just a pity you haven’t got a wider backside.

Mildred thought it was a wonderfully generous gesture by the US to pool your oil with Mexico. But Elsie thought it was ironic that Mexico is preparing to stop the flow of illegal flow of US oil into their country.

Fred thought the oil would cause a lot of confusion for environmentalists. If the sea levels rise they wont know whether to blame melting glaciers or the oil spill.

Joe thought BP should be congratulated for creating the world’s largest carbon footprint without generating any carbon emissions.

Madge thought it was the biggest environmental disaster since Midnight Oil spilled out all over the place. Even after all this time there are many people who feel that Peter Garrett still hasn’t been cleaned up properly.

Neville said if BP put their prices up to pay for their massive stuff-up he would buy his petrol elsewhere because there are Ampol stations around (he actually thought that was funny).

Godfrey said that Americans should park their cars with the petrol caps off because hurricanes are expected through the Gulf of Mexico shortly and it could soon be raining oil all over the country.

I summed up in my usual balanced manner. I suggested converting the Gulf of Mexico into an oil storage facility and pointed out it could soon become the source of a new type of fish oil.

Oh and by the way you should sit on a Louisiana beach and command that the oil not come on to it. Yes I know it didn’t work for King Canute but who knows you could get lucky and at least you’d be seen to be doing something.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Unconventional - Thursday, April 8th, 2010

Story No. 26

‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’

I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.

‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’

It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.

‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’

‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’

‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George

‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’

‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’

‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’

‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’

‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’

‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’

‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’

‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’

‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.

‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.

Hillary cancels and everyone loves Willy - Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

22nd January 2010

Dear Mr President,

We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.

We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.

What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.

You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?

I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.

Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.

Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.

Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.

Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.

Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.

Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.

Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.

I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.

I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo
President

Hillary coming down under, Bill in bush and Prince touring - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

15th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are. We’ve just heard that Hillary is coming to Australia next week and would you believe Prince William is coming at the same time. It’s a good job she’s not a republican.

We obviously couldn’t invite both of them to address the Obama Fan Club during the same week, so we held an emergency meeting of the management committee and chose Hillary because she’s such a wonderful woman and so close to you.

I hope you don’t mind but we’ve sent her a direct message inviting her to our meeting on the nineteenth. She gets booked up so early and I dare say your ambassador Jeff Bleach has already booked her in for a nosh or two with Kevin.

We also told her to bring Bill along too if he’s coming with her. You may recall I told you that Mildred met Bill when she was a pole dancer in Vegas. If we can find a pole I’m sure he’d recognise her.

The Japanese are furious with Julia over whales. She’s doing the PM’s job while Kevin is away writing children’s books.

When it comes to whales there’s a huge cultural difference between the Aussies and the Japs. They believe they should be harpooned and eaten while we see them as cuddly creatures who deserve a better fate than being served as sashimi.

Julia’s thrown one of her headmistress wobblers telling the Japs to stop sinking the protesters’ boats which are trying to sink their whaling ships and suggesting more controversial places to stick their harpoons.

Meanwhile the Japs have told her in no uncertain terms to keep her nose out of it and you can understand why. It’s very large and pointed and would be a very effective substitute for a harpoon.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think-tank debated whether the Copenhagen Conference had been any use at all.

Hilda said it was inspiring that delegates could still get their knickers in a knot about global warming when they were suffering from frostbite.

Gladys who’s never said anything before made a very critical contribution. She reckoned the Conference would have been a huge success if the other forty thousand delegates had just turned up for the last day like you. It was the previous ten days that caused all the problems.

Neville thought the conference in Mexico might go better because the climate will allow the delegates to demonstrate solar power and not just their wind power.

Mildred made a very astute observation. She reckoned there were too many people there. China and the US got distracted. All you need is a conference where those two agree to a reasonable reduction in emissions and the rest of us can carry on as usual.

I summed up the meeting by blaming Tony Abbott for the mess in Copenhagen. It was his fault the rest of the world didn’t get the chance to adopt Kevin and Penny’s ETS. Though perhaps they were not so inclined to be Penny foolish as pound wise.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Kevin: Our model leader - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

8th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I hope you and the family had a beaut time in Hawaii and are enjoying a preposterous New Year.

Neville and I went to watch the fireworks at Sydney Harbour on New Year’s Eve and I’m very pleased to report that crowd behaviour was much improved on last year and Neville wasn’t even moved along by the police let alone arrested.

Things in Australia have been pretty quiet since Copenhagen went up in smoke. Kevin’s hardly said a word and poor old Penny Wong’s been wheeled out to do the disaster relief. What a pity you couldn’t get to the Copenhagen shindig earlier to give Kevin a bit more wind power.

Now as you know I’m not a racist and we even have an Obama Fan Club member whose mother came from Vietnam, but I must say I was very proud of what Kevin said about immigrants the other day. You can read it below and I recommend you include it in your State of the Union address but don’t forget to substitute the US where it says Australia.

It was Peter Garrett’s turn this week to call Tony Abbott a sceptic, a disgrace and a neanderthal and I can quite understand that. But I do wish the Labor Party would stop ranting on about the ETS being the only way to save us from hell and damnation. They sound like our local vicar. If the ETS gets rejected a third time perhaps Kevin will take Holy Orders and try the power of prayer. I think he’d look lovely in a dog collar.

The Obama Fan Club has made an exciting New Year’s Resolution. We have decided that each week the Club will analyse a truly vital issue in world affairs and send you our conclusions in the weekly newsletter. I knew you’d be rapt because it’s going to be such a powerhouse of great ideas both for you and Hillary.

The issue we dug our teeth into this week was ‘Should Aussies go to Fiji for a holiday while Frank Brontemarina’s undemocratic mob are still in power?’

I was gobsmacked by the sheer intellectual impact we generated. The evening was sponsored by Fred’s Fiji Fantasy Fly-Aways who gave us free fried rice for two at the Nadi Chinese as a raffle prize.

Mildred opened the session by saying we should take no notice of Frank and just book our holidays as usual because if we don’t Treasure Island will go bust with or without him.

Marge thought we should go to Bali instead because she’d heard the terrorists there were democratically elected.

Hilda thought we should still go to Fiji but protest by painting anti-Frank slogans on our bodies and demonstrating naked on a beach. Neville thought that was a bigger threat to Fiji’s tourism than Frank.

I summed up the meeting expertly be saying that Aussies should only go to Fiji if we pay rock bottom packaged holiday prices in August and only drink Aussie beer instead of Fiji Bitter. That way we minimise the ready that Frank can get his hands on.

Brilliant don’t you think and if Al Gore’s right about sea levels Frank will soon have trouble keeping his head above water.

Don’t forget to pass this on to Hillary.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Whole world Needs A Leader Like This!

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd – Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation’s mosques. Quote:

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. ‘

‘This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom’

‘We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society. Learn the language!’

‘Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.’

‘We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.’

‘This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, ‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE‘.’

‘If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.’

Asylum Seekers, detainees, climate change, President Zuma, expense rorts - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

carbon_emissions_masthead

Cruise ships have started calling at Christmas Island. This provides an exciting opportunity for real progress on the asylum seeker issue. People smugglers are already reported to be in negotiation with a cruise ship company with a view to delivering two thousand asylum seekers at a time.
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Gitmo detainees are shortly to fly to new digs in Illinois. Hopefully pre-flight security screening will be more thorough than for Northwest flights out of Amsterdam.
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Climate change scientists briefing politicians in China, Brazil, India, Russia and South Africa obviously have a different perspective on global warming than the ones briefing Kevin, Obama and Al Gore. It must be nice to get a convenient truth for a change.
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President Zuma has just married a third wife and has a fourth in his sights. There is no information on how many husbands they have.
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The UK parliamentary expenses scandal will result in a record number of new MPs being elected there in March. Commentators are confident that expenses rorts will not recur for at least six years because that’s how long on average it takes an MP to learn to do them properly.
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The local drug barons will be invited to attend the next Climate Change Conference in Mexico City. They will deliver a paper on how their products cause people round the world to stop emiting carbon altogether.
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China has officially blamed global warming for the heavy snowfalls around Beijing. It’s only a matter of time before the record lows across the Northern Hemisphere are also blamed on global warming and climate scientists discover that the polar ice-caps are responsible for soaring temperatures in Madagascar.
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Two questions on climate change policy for Kevin and Penny.

If people on low incomes get refunds well in excess of their increased energy charges caused by the ETS wont this encourage them to use more electricity rather than less?

Why is Australia contributing billions of dollars to help small developing countries reduce their carbon emissions when according to UN data they are only emitting a piddling percentage of the world’s total output?

Sex, Copenhagen, Obama, NSW State Government - Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

carbon_emissions_masthead

In retrospect the Copenhagen Conference seems like Woodstock without the music.
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It seems unfair that despite the compelling claims of her predecessors the special qualifications of Kristina Keneally will result in her becoming the first NSW Premier to be acclaimed the mother of all disasters.
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Prince Charles warned at Copenhagen that Australia could be facing a major calamity. Hopefully the Queen will live for many more years.
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In the past rugby league players who got hammered and assaulted women were simply regarded as hooligans. Management consultants however now believe it is a vital part of the experience needed for them to become NSW Government Ministers.
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It is interesting to speculate how many delegates at the Climate Change Conference availed themselves of the free services offered by Copenhagen hookers and how many took action to reduce the effects of extra-marital climate changes.
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Did anyone seriously believe that delegates from one hundred and ninety nations including Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez, Al Gore, Prince Charles and Kevin and thousands of left-wing loony rioters were going to agree on anything? If only Barnaby Joyce had been there things could have been a whole lot different.
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Inside US sources confirm that Bill Clinton is still claiming he was unjustly impeached. He’s apparently adamant that when he said ‘ I did not have sex with that woman’ he was talking about Hillary not Monica.
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All the signs are that neither Kevin nor Obama saved the world in Copenhagen. Perhaps someone better qualified will turn up on Christmas Day.

Obama invited downunder to 1st Anniversary celebrations of Obama Fan Club - Friday, December 18th, 2009

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

18th December 2009

Dear Mr President,

Oh I do love Christmas don’t you? I experience a really warm feeling when I get Christmas cards from people I wouldn’t be seen dead with. Restores your faith in human nature really.

There’s only two things about Christmas that really bug me. I never receive presents half as decent as the ones I give away and I have to put up with Neville’s sister on Christmas Day. Talk about putting a damper on things she’s the only person I know who can make Christmas Day seem like a Parramatta loss in the Grand Final.

I was so proud when I saw you on TV accepting the Nobel Peace Prize with such a wonderful speech. I’d never understood before that to win the Peace Prize you have to be involved in a war or two.

We were going to send Marge to be the Club’s representative at the Copenhagen climate thing but we didn’t raise enough from our Big Barbie Blaze. She’s been suffering a lot from global warming recently although Neville thinks its hot flushes.

If you bump into Kevin in Copenhagen please tell him that we’re all missing him and hope he can find time to come back to Australia sometime in 2010.

I know you and Kevin will get it all sorted over there. I was really shocked to learn that Fiji could be under water by 2030 because it could really upset our holiday plans.

I’m not getting my hopes up that anything really meaningful will come out of Copenhagen. On TV it looks like the first day of the David Jones Stocktake Sale.

You’re not going to believe this but Tony Abbott has appointed Bronwyn Bishop and Philip Ruddock to the shadow cabinet. I thought tomb raiding was a serious offence in this country.

I haven’t heard back from you about the Obama Fan Club Christmas Party on the 22nd December so I’ll put you down as a no-show this year. Pity because Mildred’s cousin will be singing the Nun’s Chorus and she only does it every other year on account of her haemorrhoids.

At the Obama Fan Club Meeting last Tuesday it was agreed unanimously that I should invite you to come to the Club’s First Anniversary celebrations next August. I’m giving you plenty of warning because I know your diary sometimes fills up months ahead. We shall of course expect you to make a major address on something or other and I shall be inviting Kevin even though he’ll probably still be overseas.

I’ve sent you and the family a Club Christmas Card so I wont bang on about Merry Christmas and all that. And you wont be getting a Newsletter next week because I’ll get absolutely rotten at the Club Christmas Party. But if you need any info urgently over Christmas don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Till a week or two.

Gaelene Woo
President

Tiger Woods daliance, Cold War, striking similarities between Sarah Palin and Kristina Keneally - Friday, December 18th, 2009

carbon_emissions_masthead

It’s wonderful news that Frank Sartor, Ian McDonald and Tony Kelly have all been rearranged on deck. On the other hand Nathan Rees and John Della Bosca are still in the Titanic’s deckchair rehabilitation workshop and Kristina is fervently hoping the iceberg will melt before she gets there.
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Apparently Tiger Woods had a girl in every country; the British Open, the US Open, the Canadian Open…
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It’s true that planet has lost a lot of ice but it happened mostly during the Cold War.
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The Copenhagen Conference has given up any idea of reducing nocturnal emissions.
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There is a striking similarity between Sarah Palin and Kristina Keneally. They are both American, both in their forties, married with children and both have been suddenly thrust into the forefront of politics. Furthermore given Kristina’s association with the NSW Right she is Going Rogue just like Sarah.
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Tony Abbott and Barnaby Joyce have been standing by in case they were summoned to Copenhagen by the Chinese delegation.
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Reliable sources indicate that Kristina has never played with Tiger Woods. Her handicap is the result of playing with Joe Tripodi and Eddie Obeid.
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Observers at the Copenhagen Conference are very impressed with the standard of long range global weather forecasting. It’s what to do about it that seems to be casing the problems.
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Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize seemed akin to Tiger Woods winning the Pope’s prize for celibacy.
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Obama receives Obama Fan Club’s Man of the Year award - Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

11th December 2009

Dear Mr President,

I was so inspired by the Obama Fan Club meeting last Tuesday.

I am absolutely thrilled to tell you that you won our prestigious Man of the Year award. You polled fourteen votes, Kevin and Hillary got two each and Fred Hasking who married Mildred’s daughter got one. Anyone who is brave enough to take her on deserves a bit of recognition.

Congratulations. We’re sending off the official certificate today so you can tell your PR people that it’s ok to release the news to the worldwide media.

The main reason you got so many votes is that you’re the only national leader in history to send thirty thousand troops to war and receive the Nobel Peace Award all in the same month.

The Obama Fan Club committee have asked me to say they’re delighted that you have the honour of being the first recipient of the Man of the Year award but don’t expect it again next year because hopefully Kevin will do something half-decent at last. They recommend that the certificate should be placed next to the Nobel Peace Award in the Oval Office and could you please send us a photo of yourself standing beside them.

I was going to come over and present the certificate to you personally but it’s my son’s cricket final next week and I knew you’d understand.

Malcolm’s very narky about being chucked out as leader of the federal opposition. He thinks Tony Abbott’s climate change policy is like his budgie smugglers, a cover for not much at all really. Oh I’m being awful again.

Tony’s brought Bronwyn Bishop and Philip Ruddock back into the shadow cabinet, so there will be one or two retirement home vacancies.

You know me, I always vote Labor but I’m having second thoughts about the next state election. The Labor Party has thrown Nathan Rees out of the premier’s job and given it to Kristina somebody or other who comes from Ohio would you believe. Now as you know I’ve got nothing against Americans and she seems a reasonably decent sort but this was like you throwing out that Blago guy who was Governor of Illinois and appointing Malcolm Turnbull in his place. Not many people in Illinois would be keen on Malcolm. Come to think of it not many down here are keen on him either.

I quite liked Nathan. I know he was a garbo and all that but he did try to get rid of the rubbish. Unfortunately the rubbish got rid of him.

I can’t understand those women throwing themselves at Tiger Woods. When I was an alluring twenty something I never got in a scrum with league players, I was always not out overnight with cricketers and I never went for a drive with golfers. I only had one lapse when I had it away with a soccer player and at home as well if I remember correctly.

Have a lovely trip to Oslo to pick up your gong and also to Copenhagen to help Kevin save the world. Could you please not do anything drastic about global warming until after February because I’m really enjoying the summer.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President