Posts Tagged ‘Afghanistan’
Story No. 34
‘Let’s face it George’ I said ‘Iraq and Afghanistan are both train wrecks’
‘You think so Barney?’ said George ‘I thought they were going particularly well’
‘Come on George’ I said ‘the terrorists are behaving like they’ve just won both the Superbowl and the World Series and we’re getting blow up more often than a punctured tyre’
‘But Dick and Dan are telling me that things are looking great’ said George
‘Dick and Dan wouldn’t have enough nous to use asbestos coated toilet paper if their asses were on fire’ I said ‘they’re hopeless. You’ve got to make changes at the top’
‘Well Barney’ said George ‘even if you’re right what can I do? Dick’s the elected vice-president and he’s great buddies with Don Rumsfeld who is a terrific guy’
‘Look’ I said ‘there’s no easy way of saying this but Don’s got to go. It’s difficult to know what he stands for or which side he’s on. He’s got more sides than the Pentagon’
‘Very funny’ said George ‘but now you come to mention it I think Condi Rice is a bit worried about him’
‘It’s not rocket science’ I said ‘Don insists that limited troop numbers in Iraq are the go but even a poodle could tell you that we need a surge there and I don’t mean a concert tour by Madonna’
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘all the stuff I’m getting from the Pentagon supports Don’s policy’
‘Well of course it does’ I said ‘they report to him. But I’ve got a friend who’s a Pentagon guard dog and he tells me there are rumblings’
‘I’m not surprised’ said George ‘I thought the food there was pretty average’
‘The generals are pissed’ I said ‘that Don’s ignoring their advice on the military situation. We simply don’t have enough troops in Iraq to kick Al Qaeda in the cobblers’
‘As I understand it’ said George ‘Don believes that because the terrorists operate in small groups they need to be opposed by small specialist units’
‘Look at it this way’ I said ‘the way to stop the brilliant individual talents in the Patriots’ offence is by blitzing them, by the whole defence surging and taking them out’
‘Very interesting Barney’ said George ‘I hadn’t looked at it that way before. But would that tactic work against terrorists’
‘It works against the Patriots’ I said ‘and their offensive line is one of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations’
‘But if I reassign Don’ said George ‘who could I put in his place?’
‘That’s easy’ I said ‘Robert Gates. He’s so good that even the Democrats would appoint him’
‘I’m still not sure’ said George ‘that there’s enough evidence to justify reassigning Don. He’s been an incredibly strong supporter of mine over many years as well as a great friend and I’m very loyal to people like that’
‘Here’s the bottom line George’ I said ‘if you don’t take decisive action like rissoling Don, Iraq and Afghanistan will be on the public nose and your poll numbers will take a dive’
‘Good Lord’ said George ‘how soon can Robert Gates start?’
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Qaeda, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Condi Rice, Condoleezza Rice, Democrats, Dick Cheney satire, Don Rumsfeld humor, George Bush satire, George W Bush humor, Iraq, Madonna, pentagon, Robert Gates, Superbowl
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Story No. 33
‘Mr President’ said Condi Rice ‘I would really like to meet Barney’
‘Oh really’ said George trying to stay nonchalant, ‘what makes you say that?’
‘When I was in the Oval Office last week’ said Condi ‘I happened to see a typed summary of the conversation you had with him. He came up with some fascinating ideas and I’d really welcome the chance to discuss them with him’
‘I’m afraid that would be difficult’ said George ‘Barney is the codename for an agent under deep cover in the Middle East’
I was a big fan of Condi’s and I could think of no-one with whom I’d prefer to discuss international affairs. In fact I’m almost sure it was me who recommended her for the Secretary of State gig in the first place. But George had stuffed up by leaving that summary lying around and now he was between a shock and a hard face.
‘Is there no way you can put us in contact?’ pleaded Condi ‘A conversation between us might prevent the Middle East going west’
‘I’ll see what if can do’ said George pensively
‘This is a right mess you’ve got us into’ I said to George later ‘what have you got in mind, sending her to the doghouse so we can have a yap?’
‘Calm down Barney’ said George ‘I know how to fix it. Condi and I have got a Middle East strategy meeting next Wednesday. I’ll pretend to call you in Afghanistan from there although actually I’ll be calling your kennel. Don’t worry, we’ve got away with this strategy before’
‘Should I arrange recordings of bombs and gunfire in the background?’ I asked
‘What a good idea’ said George ‘and remember you’ll be on the loudspeaker’
I always approached these cunning plans of George’s with a certain trepidation. Anyone who had stuffed Iraq as badly as George was likely to get confused and send Condi round for a chat in my kennel.
Next Wednesday the phone rang right on time and I started the bombs and gunfire CD in the background.
‘Hello’ I said ‘Agent Barney speaking’
‘Hello Agent Barney’ said George ‘this is the President speaking and I have with me Secretary of State Condi Rice who would like to discuss some points from that paper we put together’
‘Hello Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘it’s great to talk with you. Are you in a safe place?’
‘The Taliban are attacking’ I said midst a crescendo of gunfire ‘but we should be able to hold on here for a few minutes’
‘Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘I was most interested to read your brilliant plan for the US to take over all the poppy plantations in Afghanistan, set up a heroin plant and dump all the production in Iran’
‘It’s definitely a win-win’ I said ‘We pay the Afghan poppy farmers so they’re onside, their economy booms and Iran gets totally zonked out on free heroin’
‘Very exciting Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘With the permission of the President I plan to fly out immediately to Afghanistan and help you get things started’
‘Just a moment’ said George sensing that disaster was about to strike ‘That wont be possible because Agent Barney is transferring to Venezuela tomorrow to help overthrow Hugo Chavez’
‘That’s great’ said Condi ‘I’m going to Venezuela next week. I’ll meet Agent Barney there’
‘Sorry’ said George ‘he’s only there a couple of days then he has to return and go under deep cover in his kennel…sorry I mean at his base’
‘He seems to be an outstanding operator’ said Condi
‘I can assure you’ said George ‘that he’s a real terrier’
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Condi Rice, Condoleezza Rice, George Bush, George W Bush, heroin plant, Hugo Chavez, Iran, Iraq, Middle East, Oval Office, poppy plantations, Secretary of State, the Taliban, Venezuela
Posted in Bush and Barney | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
24th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
The Obama Fan Club wanted me to tell you how thrilled we all are about your successes in healthcare and nuclear disarmament. We passed a resolution at Tuesday’s meeting congratulating you on meeting our expectations. We’ll send you a copy of the minutes for framing.
A motion by some misguided loon that we should change our name to the Rudd Fan Club was defeated 23-1. We love Kevin but he’s not in your class.
It was the unanimous view of Club members that the World Affairs Think Tank should address the asylum seeker crisis in Australia because its such a worry. I knew you’d be interested and I’ll send our conclusions to Kevin who doesn’t seem to be any better after spending so much time in hospitals.
As the Think Tank chairperson I warned members against using racist remarks or making racist accusations during the session. That was my job.
Madge got us going with a particularly incisive address. She said it was an absolute disgrace that people smugglers were making so much money out of asylum seekers. If we just sit back and let it happen one day they’ll have enough money to buy a cruise ship big enough to ferry thousands at a time from Indonesia to Christmas Island. Or perhaps they’ll just lease the Oceanic Viking.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckoned Australia should tax the people smugglers to pay for Christmas Island.
Mavis asserted that Kevin was right to hold Sri Lankan and Afghan asylum seekers in detention pending a decision to send them home where all is peace and serenity. Her brother reckons there’s no Tea Parties in Sri Lanka and her nephew is in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban and hasn’t been shot or anything.
Eunice believed that asylum seekers suffer from the delusion that Australia is a sort of paradise or a Kevin07 heaven.
Mildred said she couldn’t cope with the current level of multiculturalism let alone making it more complicated. She’s still trying to understand Aboriginal reconciliation and always gets wind from Chinese food.
Marj thought the asylum seeker detention centres are ghastly places just like the motel her uncle runs in Albury.
Elsie said we should stop all immigration immediately. They bring in more carbon footprints, need extra hospital beds which Kevin can’t afford and goodness knows how many extra COLAs their kids will need at a million bucks a throw.
Neville said he was disappointed that Kevin’s new policy had failed to attract boatloads of hot sheilas to seek asylum here.
I summed up by saying that first we need to tackle the people smugglers issue. We should only accept asylum seekers brought in by Aussie people smugglers because we could trust them.
Then we should concentrate on giving priority to asylum seekers who are good looking, potential Eels supporters and Labor voters. They’d have no problems integrating round here.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Aborigines, Afghan, Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, COLA, detention centres, hospital plan, hospitals, hot sheilas, Indonesia, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Obama Fan Club, Oceanic Viking, people smugglers, President of USA, Taliban, US President, World Affairs Think Tank
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
Unconscious Decisions
Doctor’s are delighted that Kevin and Nicola Roxon have become such frequent visitors to hospitals. They have recognised them as the clinically preferred way of sending patients into an induced coma.
Once Bitten
The Apple Isle has appeal on the outside, is quite sweet on the inside but its politics are enough to give you the pip.
Waste Measurement
Responding to criticism that his asylum seeker policy is all at sea, his ETS policy has gone cold, his BER programme has failed the test, his home insulation scheme has burnt out and his hospitals scheme is the wrong medicine, Kevin challenged Tony Abbott to come up with policies which are a better waste of money.
Conservation Consternation
The Greens in Tasmania have taken steps to ensure the Bartlett doesn’t become extinct. Even environmentalists are puzzled as to why they would want to preserve this devious creature as a premier species.
A People Person
Tony Burke has become Australia’s first Population Minister. He will be spending most of his time counting arrivals at maternity wards and Christmas Island. Population growth is simply a matter of course, the people smugglers’ course and intercourse.
Severe Weather Warning
Scientists believe the next global warming disaster will be the re-emergence of Penny Wong with a new ETS.
Afghans Hounded
In a brilliant pre-emptive move Kevin has thwarted the Taliban plan to take over Afghanistan by forcing the rest of the population to migrate to Australia.
Working Themselves to a Standstill
Responding to the news that motorists had been abandoned for up to ten hours in the F3 Motorway traffic foul-up, the NSW Government said it wasn’t their responsibility because you can’t expect the premier or the transport minister to be responsible, the incident proved their theory that by reducing traffic speeds to 1km per hour you improved road safety, their counter-flow system worked brilliantly when it was introduced eight hours after the accident and get stuffed and go by train next time.
Tags: Afghanistan, Apple Isle, asylum seekers, Bartlett, BER, Christmas Island, environmentalists, ETS, global warming, home insulation scheme, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Nicola Roxon, NSW Government, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Sydney traffic problems, Taliban, the Greens, Tony Abbott, Tony Burke
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
A Suitable Case for Treatment
Following Obama’s visit to Afghanistan there’s no word yet on whether the Taliban have agreed to adopt his healthcare plan.
Not Holy Satisfactory
It is fascinating that Tony, who is at least the equal of Kevin in god-bothering, is never photographed outside a catholic church. Perhaps its just that no-one is willing to be photographed outside a catholic church these days except the police.
Drought Relief
Obama walks on water, Tony swims in it and Kevin passes it.
Very New Testament
On Q&A this week Tony expressed the view that we should treat asylum seekers as Jesus would have done but perhaps without the emphasis on going forth and multiplying.
See You Later Navigator
It is reported that the first communication from the crew of the Chinese ship which crashed into the Barrier Reef was ‘Is this Christmas Island?’
Frequent Cyclist
Tony Abbott’s objective on the 9 day Pollie Pedal between Melbourne and Sydney is to try and beat Jetstar’s slowest ever time for the trip.
Not Out of the Woods Yet
The Pope reportedly has no plans to consult Tiger Woods about sex addiction treatment for priests.
Going Round in Ever Increasing Circles
The true meaning of Building the Education Revolution is making the schools stimulus money go round to more people.
Tags: Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Barrier Reef, Catholic Church, Chinese ship, Christmas Island, drought, education revolution, healthcare, healthcare plan, Jesus, Jetstar, Kevin Rudd, New Testament, sex addiction, Taliban, The Pope, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott
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Story No. 26
‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’
I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.
‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’
It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.
‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’
‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’
‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’
‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’
‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’
‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’
‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’
‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’
‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’
‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.
‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Cocaine, Cocaine Crossing, Dick Cheney, full of wind, George Bush, George W Bush, health insurance, healthcare, Heinz, Iraq, John Kerry, Mexico, President, President of USA, Republican, Terrorism, Tony Blair, UK Labor Party, Wind power
Posted in Bush and Barney | 1 Comment »
Story No: 23
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I need your help’
I sniffed trouble. It was something in George’s tone.
‘Dick and Don’ he said ‘are pressuring me to invade the tribal areas in Pakistan to touch up the Taliban and find OBL. But my plan is to use drones to pinpoint key Taliban targets and bribe the Pakistanis to do the deep down and dirty stuff on the ground’
‘Brilliant thinking George’ I said. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were obviously up to their old tricks.
‘Now I’ve got a strategic planning meeting with them tomorrow afternoon at the White House’ continued George ‘and I want you to be ready to take a call from the meeting. Here’s the tricky bit. My cunning plan is for you to pretend to be a CIA agent on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border who can give an expert on-the-spot strategic military assessment to support my point of view’
‘That’s a bit of a challenge George’ I said ‘I’ll have to bone up on a few things before you call’
‘One or two other points’ said George ‘I’ll address you by your codename which is Terrier. Pretty funny huh? Oh and by the way you’ll have to address me as Mr President for a change’
The next afternoon at 3.30 the dog and bone rang in my kennel
‘This is Terrier’ I said
‘Hi Terrier’ said George ‘This is the President speaking. I’m here with the vice-President and the Secretary of Defence and you’re on the loudspeaker. What’s the current situation on the border there?’
‘Swarming with Taliban Mr President’ I responded ‘it’s just like passing out day at West Point’
‘Dick Cheney here Terrier’ said Dick ‘are the Taliban well armed?’
I had to smile. I could hardly resist the temptation to tell him he was talking to me. He would absolutely crap himself.
‘They’re armed and dangerous’ I said ‘They all look like Sylvester Stallone in
Rocky II’
‘Great film’ said George
‘Are you in disguise Terrier?’ asked Dick ‘Oh I get it. You’re disguised as a dog’. He was painful when he tried to be funny.
‘That’s right’ I said ‘it helps me keep my nose close to the ground’
‘That’s very funny Ba…Terrier’ said George
‘What’s the terrain like there?’ asked Don
‘Very steep and rocky’ I replied ‘Ok for guerrilla warfare but unsuitable for large troop movements’
I could tell he was impressed by my military analysis.
‘Are you in danger there?’ asked Dick
‘I’m used to it’ I said ‘The Taliban think I’m a Pakistani agent sent by Ahmadinejad to convince them that 9/11 never happened’
‘When is the best time to invade the tribal areas?’ asked Don
‘Well not during a test match’ I said ‘especially if its against India and Pakistan are winning. That would really piss them off. And not during the Afghan Hound Show Week. Militarily speaking I’d recommend you use drones to destroy key Taliban targets pinpointed by me and bribe the Pakistanis to do the heavy stuff on the ground’
‘Very interesting’ said Dick ‘that’s the President’s view. You haven’t been swapping notes with him have you?’
‘Never had the honour of meeting him’ I lied ‘but you know what they say about great minds’
‘Thank you Terrier’ said George ‘stay safe. You’ve been very helpful’
An hour later I met George on the White House lawn.
‘Mission accomplished Terrier’ he said.
Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, Ahmadinejad, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, CIA, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, guerrilla warfare, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, Rocky II, Sylvester Stallone, Taliban, White House
Posted in Bush and Barney | 2 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
5th March 2010
Dear Mr President,
It’s been a terrible week here and I feel so sorry for poor Kevin.
I know its been such a strain on him claiming to be perfect all the time but I’m having trouble suddenly adjusting to the fact he’s stuffed up.
You know how Tony Abbott’s always going on about what a non-event he is, well Kevin’s started to agree with him.
As I said to Neville this is just like his mother agreeing with everything I say about her, the old cow. Oops, sorry I always get carried away when I think about her.
Kevin is admitting his mob have totally ballsed up the home insulation scheme, hospitals and supplying school kids with computers. Next he’ll be thanking Tony for helping him understand what a failure he is.
It’s a good job you’re coming to visit him because I’m sure it will help give him a bit of confidence back. Why don’t you tell him when you did that mea culpa stuff in Europe and the Middle East it only helped people understand that the US was as bad as they’d always thought it was.
By the way while you’re here please don’t mention the ETS. Now you’re not doing one it will only make Kevin feel like a bit of a goose.
We’re still hopeful that you can visit the Club.The local bakery has promised us buns with stars and stripes icing.
I’m pretty sure the Eels have got a home game while you’re here. Neville and I are both members so there would be no problem getting you good tickets.
This week the Club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most profound issues facing this region “What is New Zealand’s future role in world affairs?” I wasn’t prepared for what followed.
Cyril reckoned it is the ideal place to test Tony Abbott’s latest idea for tackling global warming, a huge snow-making machine.
Marge said it should become the next centre for world terrorism and give the Middle East a chance to settle things down a bit.
Our Mavis’ Bert saw the country as the centre for another major initiative against global warming, the grass diet. Twenty-two million sheep can’t be wrong. He reckoned that the New Zealand diet is an issue which has been eating away at sheep for some time.
Mildred believed New Zealand offered the ideal environment for the world’s leading sex addiction academy. She should know, she’s a qualified instructor.
Ron thought it should be declared a Peter Garrett free zone because it was already insulated from the rest of the world.
Doris suggested that the Australian Government should launch an advertising campaign in Afghanistan and Sri Lanka promoting New Zealand as the preferred destination for asylum seekers.
Fred was convinced that New Zealand’s future role in world affairs was similar to having your head in the sand at the end of a bungee jump.
I summed it all up by saying that my Kiwi mates would never speak to me again if they heard what had been said. And please don’t mention anything to Kevin.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Afghanistan, asylum seekers, education, ETS, healthcare, home insulation scheme, immigration, Kevin Rudd, New Zealand, sex addiction, Tony Abbott
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
Story No: 21
George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.
‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’
George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.
Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s
‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’
I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’
‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’
‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’
The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.
‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’
‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.
‘Is that all?’ asked George
‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’
‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George
‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’
‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’
‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’
‘There can’t be more’ said George
‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’
Tags: Afghanistan, Arsenal, Bill Clinton, British Bulldog, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, CIA, George Bush, George W Bush, Gordon Brown, Hillary Clinton, Manchester United, Mel Gibson, Mossad, The Queen, Tony Blair
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Story No. 20
‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’
There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.
‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’
Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.
He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.
‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’
‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’
Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’
‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’
‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’
‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’
‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’
‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’
‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’
‘You don’t mean…’ began George
‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’
‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’
‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked
‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked
‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’
‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked
‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George
‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’
Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, carbon pollution, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Eliot Spitzer, George Bush, George W Bush, Heinz, Iraq, Karl Rove, Madonna, McCain, Vietnam war
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