This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Tony Abbott’s office when he was discussing election strategies with Joe Hockey and Julie Bishop. He has just filed this exclusive report.

‘You’ve got to remember’ said Julie ‘that Julia is currently on a honeymoon with the electorate’

‘But she’s already been unfaithful’ said Tony ‘She’s been in bed with the miners and East Timor’

‘She’s just like Kevin’ said Joe ‘all spin and no balls’

But we’ve got to get stuck into her’ said Tony ‘She’s going around calling me ‘showpony Tony’, ‘the Mad Monk from Manly’ and ‘the lost libido in Speedos’ but we’re not nailing her back’

‘We have to be careful’ said Julia ‘She’s a woman and I know you’ve got a soft spot for her’

‘Well actually’ said Tony ‘I’ve got a hard spot for her and before you jump to conclusions it’s the toe of my right boot. She’s the only woman who would be disqualified for dirty tactics in an ultimate fighting contest. If I were Kevin I’d sue her for causing grievous bodily harm’

‘I think we should avoid any personal criticism’ said Joe ‘Actually I don’t think her hair’s that bad and when she’s wearing that ghastly David Jones logo jacket it makes you forget her AFL accent’

‘And we shouldn’t mention that place where she still lives in Altona’ said Julie ‘But wouldn’t it be a scream if Obama suddenly turned up and got invited there for dinner’

‘She’s a ten pound Pom from Wales’ said Tony ‘and based on her performance so far the country’s been short changed and we should demand she pays the full fare’

‘Her asylum seeker policy’s a mess’ said Joe ‘Fancy trying to set up an asylum seeker processing centre in East Timor. It would be the best hotel in the country’

The new mining tax is a disaster’ said Tony ‘It’s got as much chance of getting Wayne’s budget into surplus as Julia has of being mistaken for Jennifer Hawkins’

‘But we need a cut-through election slogan’ said Julia

‘Quite right’ said Joe ‘How about ‘Don’t let Julia fool ya?’

‘Not bad’ said Tony ‘or ‘Don’t let Julia fool ya, she’s peculiar’

‘That’s great’ said Joe ‘but how about ‘Gillard is like Everard in a Leotard?’

‘Now we’re getting somewhere’ said Tony ‘I’ve got it ‘Gillard is a blowhard who shouldn’t be in Hansard’

‘Here’s a killer’ said Julie ‘Junkyard Gillard is an ill-starred wildcard blowhard’

‘Listen, I’ve nailed it’ said Tony ‘Fire a fusillade at Gillard the blackguard of the schoolyard’

‘Absolutely brilliant’ said Joe ‘and we’re on to a winner here because nothing rhymes with ‘Abbott’ except ‘celibate’ and nobody’s going to believe that’