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In Tiger Woods Sports Management Agency - Friday, February 26th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

Guy the Friday Mash Superfly remained in the US this week after his assignment in Al Gore’s office and managed to find a place on a wall of the conference room at Tiger Wood’s sports management agency when a discussion of post-apology strategies was under way. Here is his exclusive report.

‘Hey guys, I thought the apology went well’

‘Sure thing Mac’ said Huey ‘nice touch of yours about Buddhism. Do you think people spotted that Tiger didn’t write the apology himself?’

‘No way’ said Mac ‘who cares anyhow? The important objective is preserving the Tiger Woods brand. What do you think Carrie?’

‘Absolute brilliant Mac’ said Carrie ‘you guys who wrote the apology did a great job. But I wonder if that’s how Tiger really feels’

‘What do you mean?’ asked Mac ‘That’s what he agreed to say isn’t it?’

‘Yes I know’ said Carrie ‘but there have been reports that he’s been out with bimbos during his sex addiction treatment at the clinic’

‘Well maybe he had to do a bit of fieldwork’ said Mac ‘or maybe they’re weaning him off bimbos gradually. I mean you can’t expect him to go one hundred percent cold turkey’

‘Perhaps he’s had enough of golf’ suggested Huey

‘You have to be joking’ said Mac ‘besides we can’t afford to lose all that revenue. We need Tiger out there hitting the greens to make our profit forecast for the year’

‘No but seriously’ said Huey ‘he’s made all those billions and as he said in the apology he now feels he’s entitled to some matchplay off the golf course’

‘Wait a minute’ said Mac ‘the Tiger Woods brand which is the mark of our genius depicts a loving husband and father who is the world’s greatest golfer’

‘That’s history Mac’ said Carrie ‘you might get away with ‘loving father’ but ‘loving husband’ is about as believable as Sarah Palin becoming a porn movie star’

‘Talking of porn stars’ said Huey ‘you know that one Tiger used to go out with. She’s complaining that Tiger’s been unfaithful to her. Is she kidding? Don’t tell me she’s switched to making documentaries for National Geographic’

‘We’ve got to Tiger back on the golf circuit as soon as possible’ said Mac ‘golf needs it, the public needs it and our bottom line desperately needs it’

‘I’m beginning to think that his future aspirations will be more in the rough than on the fairways’ said Huey ‘I’ve got an idea. Let’s produce a new television series called Tiger and the Desperate Porn Stars. It would be an absolute smash hit and make us a lot more money than golf’

‘And Tiger will be eternally grateful to us’ said Carrie’ for helping him find his true destiny’. ’

‘You’re right’ said Mac ‘Come to think of it I’ve recently had the sort of feeling that Tiger’s ready for something different. I’ll ring up all those porn stars I know and Huey you ring up Tiger’s girlfriends. You’ve been out with all of them’

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Batt an eyelid - Friday, February 26th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

26th February 2010

Dear Mr President,

You are just not going to believe this. All four of those people who came to the Sarah Palin Roast and half-price beer night came back for our club meeting this week and are now paid up members. So that takes us to a total of twenty-two and there were actually twenty-three at the meeting because the cleaning lady stayed on.

Great excitement here this week over the government’s insulation scheme. It’s been a big shock to everyone and Peter Garrett’s in deep doodoo over it. Mind you it only goes to prove what I’ve always said. Greenies like Peter are great at stirring the possum but get them to organise something like batts in your belfry and they’re totally out of their environment.

You’re not going to believe this either. Tony Abbott’s given up sex for Lent. Neville said it was Mary MacKillop’s third miracle.

I saw Malcolm Turnbull on the telly last night and I can’t believe I’m saying this but he almost came across as likeable. You can’t help admiring him for supporting Kevin’s ETS although he probably hasn’t got the faintest idea what it’s all about just like the rest of us.

It doesn’t look like Malcolm will get a decent gig in the Coalition while the Mad Monk’s in charge so I hope Kevin finds a decent job for him. I wrote to him suggesting he should organise a new political party called the Don’t Knows. They’re already ahead of the Greens in the polls.

I had prepared to discuss some really profound international issues at the World Affairs Think Tank this week but all they wanted to talk about was the ETS and climate change. So I hastily changed the subject to ‘Climate Change, the ETS and ERF; are they all a con job?’

Cyril said he’d watched the weather forecast on Channel Nine News every day for over twenty years and there was no sign of the climate changing.

Marge said she hadn’t got a clue what the ETS is about. She couldn’t believe that the government wanted to charge everyone for smoke. She claimed her Alf blew smoke out of his backside at least twice a day and the ETS would make him unaffordable.

Our Mavis’ Bert said he had really tried hard to understand Tony Abbott’s ERF. He believed it was basically about persuading people to stay home in the dark, because electricity would be too expensive, and spend more time having sex as long as it wasn’t during Lent, with a catholic priest or with one of his daughters.

Mildred as usual was right on the money. She claimed that Copenhagen was a disaster because there’s no one size fit all climate change solution. Every country should decide what climate it wants and design an ETS or an ERF to make it happen. We should leave all the world stuff to Al Gore and also Kevin because obviously Australia doesn’t emit enough carbon to keep him fully interested.

I summed it all up by saying whatever our views we should all take part in Clean-up Australia this year. I couldn’t see what it’s got to do with climate change but I was sure there is a connection somewhere. What’s more this year there will be loads of waste batts to clean up.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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In Al Gore’s Washington DC Office - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the snowy wastes of Washington DC to send this exclusive report from high up on a wall in Al Gore’s office.

Al was on the phone to Kevin Rudd.

‘Kevin I can’t believe those Liberal assholes down there are still blocking your ETS. Don’t they care about the future of mankind? What’s that you say? Yes it was unfortunate that my forecast about polar bears becoming extinct was wrong. Of course I’m happy for the polar bears but its important to convince people that global warming is a huge disaster’

He broke off to yell out to his assistant ‘Hey Martha can’t you turn the heating up in here, I’m freezing’

‘There’s mountains of snow round here’ he continued to Kevin ‘and people refuse to understand its all caused by global warming. Then there’s that extraordinarily warm weather in Vancouver for the Olympic Games. It’s amazing that people can still be so hot and cold about climate change’

‘Is there any of those Pacific Islands under water yet? No, oh well that’s surprising. Please let me know the minute one looks like becoming inundated. I’ve got my film unit on stand-by. What’s that? Could I help with rescuing the population? Well I guess I could fit a couple in my executive jet but it would be a squeeze’

‘I was thrilled to hear about the incredible plan you and Peter Garrett put together to insulate so many homes in Australia. Yes I know it’s a shame that eighty-odd caught fire but that’s not going to have a major impact on carbon emissions’

He breaks off again to call out to his assistant ‘Martha I’m about to start suffering hypothermia. For Pete’s sake turn up the heating. Yes I know it will mean increased emissions but I’ll plant a couple of trees or something’

Back on the phone to Kevin. ‘I can’t believe there’s glaciers melting all over the world but there’s no sign of it happening to the snow in Washington dammit. And meanwhile you’re suffering all those fires and droughts in Australia. What, there’s no fires and it’s pouring with rain everywhere? Don’t lose faith Kevin I’m sure you’ll be ravaged by global warming soon’

‘Is there anything I can do to help you convince Tony Abbott and all those other Neanderthals down there. What’s wrong with these people, haven’t they read my book and seen my film? I’d fly down there but I’m terribly conscious of the size of my carbon footprint’

‘Hey good news. Its just come through on my television channel that they’ve had to postpone some events at the Olympics because of the unseasonally warm weather. Look I’ve got to let you go because my feet are going numb’

‘Emergency’ he yelled to Martha ‘Go out and buy a heater or a sack of coal and bugger the damned emissions’

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In Santa Claus’ Grotto - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the intrepid Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the Christmas 2009 Review Meeting between Santa Claus, the Christmas Fairy and Number One Elf at the North Pole. From a vantage point high on the wall of Santa’s Christmas Grotto he sent us this exclusive report.

‘Dear me’ said Santa ‘this global research study into people’s attitudes to Christmas 2009 is very disturbing. 20% couldn’t remember whose birthday it was, 10% complained about the lack of bar service in churches, 30% thought it was a retail promotion and 40% thought it was a binge drinking carnival’

‘And don’t forget’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘that 80% thought it was spoilt by too much emphasis on religion’

‘Heavens’ said Santa ‘the Archangel won’t like that. He also won’t like the huge offer I’ve had to appear in a VB ad campaign next Christmas. I’ll have to tell him VB stands for virgin birth’

‘People don’t seem to appreciate the presents you give them like they used to’ said the Number One Elf ‘Barnaby Joyce has returned the calculator because he reckons it can’t tell the difference between millions and billions. Belinda Neal has returned the course of anger management classes you delivered on behalf of Kevin and she was really pissed off about it and Kevin has returned his budgie smugglers because they were condemned by the RSPCA’

‘Can you believe’ remarked Santa ‘that some people want to change the whole concept of Christmas. Obama supporters are promoting a second Christmas to mark his birthday and most people believe it should be a beer festival rather than a religious festival’

‘And have you heard the latest?’ asked the Christmas Fairy ‘the Archangel thinks that the reindeer and sleigh is not a viable transportation model in the era of global warming and he’s thinking of giving the Christmas presents delivery contract to DHL’

‘We got a letter from Al Gore the other day’ said the Number One Elf ‘warning us that our Grotto will melt by 2020 and we should seek alternative accommodation that floats. He must think you’re bloody Noah’

‘I’m terribly worried my good name is being eroded by all those out-of-work actors who impersonate me in retail stores’ said Santa ‘I read that one was so strange he got the part of Little Red Riding Hood in a Christmas Panto and another handed out kids toys to the mothers and sex toys to the kids’

‘What on earth should we do for Christmas 2010?’asked the Number One Elf.

‘I think we should do a deal with Obama, Kevin and Gordon Brown’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘to deliver a global Christmas stimulus package each year’

‘I think we should encourage polygamy’ said the Number One Elf ‘It’s much more efficient to have a household like President Zuma’s where you can drop off presents for twenty kids and four wives in one place’

‘We have to go with the flow’ said Santa ‘let’s negotiate a free Christmas grog worldwide delivery service. I’ve always wanted to be a philanthropissed’

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Climate of Confusion - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Tony Jones’ interview with Penny Wong on the 4th February edition of Lateline was an absolute classic.

For the transcript, click here

Watch Penny Wong Interviewed on ABC's Lateline

Watch Penny Wong Interviewed on ABC's Lateline

For those of us craving a clear, concise and logical explanation of what on earth the ETS is all about the occasion was richly entertaining but not alas enlightening.

Despite being asked repeatedly about the ETS’ cost impact on families – working, non-working and bone idle – not a single figure passed Penny’s lips. She claimed that extensive modelling was released in 2008. That was apparently too long ago for her to remember the numbers it contained but for those who are still interested there is always the chance of coming across it in a library or a loo.

Tony’s questions about the ETS cost hikes to families in the event of an emissions reduction target higher than five percent were met buy a dogged refusal even to countenance such an abstruse notion.

The kindest possible assessment of Penny’s interview is that it added diddly squat to viewers’ storehouse of ETS knowledge and may even have eroded it slightly. But wait. On the subject of Tony Abbott’s Emissions Reduction Fund Penny demonstrated encyclopaedic knowledge. She came armed with sheafs of documents claimed to contain irrefutable evidence that Tony’s ERF was a non-starter and would cost squillions more than the ETS whatever that costs.

This was like a football coach explaining that his team’s tactics were based on a 2008 plan which he couldn’t remember but that doesn’t matter because the opposition are so hopeless.

Kevin has admitted that his government must improve their communications about the ETS. The question is did he forget to tell Penny, did she ignore him or was this, heaven help us, what she considered to be an improved communication.

Probably as a result of urgings by the spin doctors to soften her image Penny has developed a sudden synthetic smile for television interviews. When Tony asked questions she considered tiresome, embarrassing or downright dangerous she flashed on the smile to mask a face almost certainly contorted with rage and betraying an irresistible urge to choke the living shit out of him. Luckily he was in a studio hundreds of kilometres away.

The interview raised the issue of who can we possibly believe on matters of climate change.

Polar bears are the living proof we can’t trust Al Gore. Penny is about as helpful as a call centre operator in Bangalore and Kevin’s still got a Copenhagen complex. Climate change scientists have slipped up on the Himalayan glaciers and following his recent conversion it is too soon to expect anything sensible from Tony Abbott.

No wonder Lord Monckton is commanding so much attention. His is the only clear message on climate change; lie back for ten years, let it happen and then take stock. Even if he isn’t right its refreshing to hear a convenient truth amongst the deluge of inconvenient, incomprehensible and disingenuous approximations.

With all due respect to Kevin, climate change is not the greatest moral challenge of our generation. It is rather persuading politicians, scientists and opinion leaders to come clean about it.

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In Hillary Clinton’s Office - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to a wall in the Washington DC office of the US Secretary of State and sent us this exclusive report on the vital strategic discussion she had with her husband.

‘You’d have made a much better president than Obama’ said Bill

‘I know’ said Hillary ‘the only thing that stopped me was the laughable prospect of you becoming the First Gentleman’

‘Behind the great female president’ said Bill ‘would have been a former great male president with his hand up her back’

‘Most women seem to have experienced your hand up somewhere’ responded Hillary

‘Ten years ago’ said Bill ‘Obama would have been lucky to get a job serving us coffee’

‘Ten years ago’ said Hillary ‘you were damned lucky everyone didn’t leave you to get your own coffee’

‘Oh come on honey’ said Bill ‘I spent months out there on the campaign trail pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to get you the top gig’

‘Didn’t all those women find it confusing that you got them in sack just to campaign for your wife?’

‘When it comes to elections’ said Bill ‘the end justifies the means’

‘Not when it’s your end it doesn’t’ said Hillary ‘I probably lost the election because you couldn’t keep it up’

‘When Al Gore and Ted Kennedy deserted you who was it who stuck by you even putting my own reputation on the line?’

‘Some reputation’ said Hillary ‘it’s a sort of role model for Tiger Woods. Who pulled you through when you were impeached? Not Madeleine Albright or Al Gore but good old me. Even Monica deserted you and despite all that time you spent working on her I’ll bet she didn’t vote for me’

‘Honey’ said Bill ‘you’ve got to understand I have a certain charisma that appeals to women and it enabled me to play an effective presidential part in your campaign’

‘Oh I’ve no doubt your presidential part played effectively in all sorts of places’ said Hillary

‘Now let’s get serious about 2012’ said Bill ‘we’ve got to start planning your next presidential campaign immediately’

‘Forget it’ said Hillary ‘you’ve spent too long in the doghouse ever to get back in the White House. My best chance of becoming president is a divorce’

‘You’ve got to admit’ said Bill ‘that I was a better president than George W Bush. And sexier too. Give me a year or two to work my charms and every woman in the US will be ready to vote for you’

‘Why do I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m the one who would get screwed?’ said Hillary ‘Look I can’t sit around chatting to you, I’ve got to phone Kevin Rudd about World Kangaroo Day. Are you in for dinner tonight?’

‘Sure honey’ said Bill ‘how about a romantic evening for two?’

‘Darling’ said Hillary ‘I thought you’d never ask’

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Tony Blair Hits Top of Barney’s Shitlist - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Story No. 17

‘Now look, about this Iraq business’ said Tony Blair

He had dropped into George’s ranch at Crawford, Texas for a confidential word  about stuffing Saddam and George and I were accompanying him on a post lunch constitutional round a paddock.

It was a pleasant stroll although we were surrounded by enough security heavies to prevent Boris Yeltsin getting into a vodka festival.  George wanted me around to advise him on the really complex strategic issues and I looked forward to the visit because I knew he kept a couple of bitches down there with the qualities to bring joy even to a dog’s life.

‘Colin Powell is convinced that Saddam has WMDs’ said George ‘and that only confirms what Dick and Don have been saying for sometime’

I’d been telling George for just as long that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were far more dangerous WMDs than anything Saddam could possibly have.

‘What if we don’t find any WMDs?’ asked Tony

‘No chance’ said George ‘but don’t forget that Saddam told the UN to go and get whooped and he’s acting like a cross between Hitler, Frankenstein and Hillary Clinton’

‘We’ve got to tread carefully’ said Tony ‘Find the WMDs then change the regime by getting rid of Saddam, his army and his police force.  We don’t want to be landed with that whole Sunni Shia can of worms’

I quickly ran behind a hedge and shouted ‘What about Al Qaeda?’ I was under strict instructions from George not to open my mouth but my self-control failed me.

‘What on earth was that?’ asked Tony

‘It was one of the security guys’ said George ‘By the way one of my senior advisers reckons we should leave the army and the police force intact.  He believes if we disband them they’ll all join Al Qaeda and the country will descend into chaos’

I was flattered that George had remembered my advice so accurately.

‘Well he’s got that wrong’ said Tony ‘once we’ve sorted out Saddam and his crew the whole country will come to its senses.  That adviser of yours sounds like a real dog’

I’d never liked Tony Blair but now he hit rock bottom on the shitlist.  If I told George once I told him a hundred times never to go to war alongside a socialist.

‘You might just as well get some advice from Barney’ added Tony pissing himself with laughter

Fortunately my self-control reasserted itself and I was able to refrain from urinating down his trousers.

‘Tony do your people believe this war is legal?’ asked George

‘Half do, half don’t’ said Tony ‘you know what lawyers are like.  They tell you what they think will make them the most money’

‘Ok’ said George ‘I’ll send Saddam a note giving him the option of resigning and spending the next ten years in Antarctica growing glaciers with Al Gore or facing high noon at the OK Corral’

‘Right on George’ said Tony ‘we’ll bring peace and democracy to the people of Iraq and an era of hope and prosperity to the whole world’

‘What a load of absolute crap’ I shouted from behind the hedge.

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Bush searches for reasons behind his faultering global popularity - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Story No. 14

‘Barney, why do you think so many people don’t like me’ asked George

I instantly recognised that a complete response to that question would take at least a couple of hours. So I decided to be kind and considerate because after all I like George and more to the point he pays my licence fee.

‘Well George, let’s put it this way’ I said ‘half the people in the world don’t like you because you’re way over to the right, another 10% don’t like you because you appointed Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, 10% more don’t like you because you’ve started two wars, yet another 10% don’t like you because they’re women who are pro-choice, there’s at least 10% don’t like you because they think you did the dirty on Al over the election results, 5% think you’re a brainless rich kid who only became president through family connections and there’s 4.5% who live in the Middle East’

‘That only leaves .5%’ said George

‘You can’t expect people to like you if you’re a politician’ I said ‘if it was popularity you were after you should have become a pop star or a great lover’

‘I’m pretty popular in Texas’ said George

‘That’s because when you were the Governor’ I said ‘you were responsible for executing more bad guys than Wyatt Earp’

‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘I’m quite popular in Europe’

‘Well the French think you’re as pig-headed as the Brits’ I said ‘the Brits think you’re a sabre-rattling loony like the French and the Germans can’t understand how anyone could possibly start a war’

‘Tony Blair likes me’ said George

‘That’s why nobody likes Tony Blair’ I said

‘Well what about John Howard’ said George ‘he really likes me’

‘I know’ I said ‘and so did that other Aussie Steve Irwin. He had great respect for crocodiles and other primitive life forms’

‘And they even have a bush culture in Australia’ said George

‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but the only connection with you is that it covers a lot of wide open spaces’

‘I get on very well with Putin’ said George

‘Yes’ I said ‘but it was unfortunate you took his advice on how to fight a war in Afghanistan’

‘So Barney’ said George ‘how would you advise me to improve my image?’

‘That’s easy’ I said ‘form a coalition government with the Democrats, fire Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, stop both the wars, carry out a couple of abortions, make Al Gore your Secretary for the Environment and take out Palestinian citizenship. I’m afraid we’re stuck with the fact that you’re a brainless rich kid with family connections’

‘Or’ said George ‘I could become a President beloved the world over for his humanity, integrity and unswerving commitment to raise the human dignity of mankind’

‘Sorry George’ I said ‘Mother Theresa’s already done that gig’

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Kevin: Our model leader - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

8th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I hope you and the family had a beaut time in Hawaii and are enjoying a preposterous New Year.

Neville and I went to watch the fireworks at Sydney Harbour on New Year’s Eve and I’m very pleased to report that crowd behaviour was much improved on last year and Neville wasn’t even moved along by the police let alone arrested.

Things in Australia have been pretty quiet since Copenhagen went up in smoke. Kevin’s hardly said a word and poor old Penny Wong’s been wheeled out to do the disaster relief. What a pity you couldn’t get to the Copenhagen shindig earlier to give Kevin a bit more wind power.

Now as you know I’m not a racist and we even have an Obama Fan Club member whose mother came from Vietnam, but I must say I was very proud of what Kevin said about immigrants the other day. You can read it below and I recommend you include it in your State of the Union address but don’t forget to substitute the US where it says Australia.

It was Peter Garrett’s turn this week to call Tony Abbott a sceptic, a disgrace and a neanderthal and I can quite understand that. But I do wish the Labor Party would stop ranting on about the ETS being the only way to save us from hell and damnation. They sound like our local vicar. If the ETS gets rejected a third time perhaps Kevin will take Holy Orders and try the power of prayer. I think he’d look lovely in a dog collar.

The Obama Fan Club has made an exciting New Year’s Resolution. We have decided that each week the Club will analyse a truly vital issue in world affairs and send you our conclusions in the weekly newsletter. I knew you’d be rapt because it’s going to be such a powerhouse of great ideas both for you and Hillary.

The issue we dug our teeth into this week was ‘Should Aussies go to Fiji for a holiday while Frank Brontemarina’s undemocratic mob are still in power?’

I was gobsmacked by the sheer intellectual impact we generated. The evening was sponsored by Fred’s Fiji Fantasy Fly-Aways who gave us free fried rice for two at the Nadi Chinese as a raffle prize.

Mildred opened the session by saying we should take no notice of Frank and just book our holidays as usual because if we don’t Treasure Island will go bust with or without him.

Marge thought we should go to Bali instead because she’d heard the terrorists there were democratically elected.

Hilda thought we should still go to Fiji but protest by painting anti-Frank slogans on our bodies and demonstrating naked on a beach. Neville thought that was a bigger threat to Fiji’s tourism than Frank.

I summed up the meeting expertly be saying that Aussies should only go to Fiji if we pay rock bottom packaged holiday prices in August and only drink Aussie beer instead of Fiji Bitter. That way we minimise the ready that Frank can get his hands on.

Brilliant don’t you think and if Al Gore’s right about sea levels Frank will soon have trouble keeping his head above water.

Don’t forget to pass this on to Hillary.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Whole world Needs A Leader Like This!

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation’s mosques. Quote:

‘IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. ‘

‘This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom’

‘We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society. Learn the language!’

‘Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.’

‘We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.’

‘This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, ‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE‘.’

‘If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.’

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Asylum Seekers, detainees, climate change, President Zuma, expense rorts - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

carbon_emissions_masthead

Cruise ships have started calling at Christmas Island. This provides an exciting opportunity for real progress on the asylum seeker issue. People smugglers are already reported to be in negotiation with a cruise ship company with a view to delivering two thousand asylum seekers at a time.
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Gitmo detainees are shortly to fly to new digs in Illinois. Hopefully pre-flight security screening will be more thorough than for Northwest flights out of Amsterdam.
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Climate change scientists briefing politicians in China, Brazil, India, Russia and South Africa obviously have a different perspective on global warming than the ones briefing Kevin, Obama and Al Gore. It must be nice to get a convenient truth for a change.
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President Zuma has just married a third wife and has a fourth in his sights. There is no information on how many husbands they have.
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The UK parliamentary expenses scandal will result in a record number of new MPs being elected there in March. Commentators are confident that expenses rorts will not recur for at least six years because that’s how long on average it takes an MP to learn to do them properly.
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The local drug barons will be invited to attend the next Climate Change Conference in Mexico City. They will deliver a paper on how their products cause people round the world to stop emiting carbon altogether.
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China has officially blamed global warming for the heavy snowfalls around Beijing. It’s only a matter of time before the record lows across the Northern Hemisphere are also blamed on global warming and climate scientists discover that the polar ice-caps are responsible for soaring temperatures in Madagascar.
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Two questions on climate change policy for Kevin and Penny.

If people on low incomes get refunds well in excess of their increased energy charges caused by the ETS wont this encourage them to use more electricity rather than less?

Why is Australia contributing billions of dollars to help small developing countries reduce their carbon emissions when according to UN data they are only emitting a piddling percentage of the world’s total output?

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