Posts Tagged ‘Al Gore’
Story No. 31
‘Now then Barney’ said George ‘I need your advice on my Inauguration Speech. I was thinking about a triumphal address with the theme ‘bury Kerry and downwards with Edwards’
‘Come on George’ I said ‘this is no time to be vindictive. It calls for magnanimity in victory. Kerry and Edwards may be the biggest non-event since the Bay of Pigs but this is a time of healing to proclaim a presidency which will not only unite the peoples of America but of the whole world’
‘Good heavens’ said George ‘where on earth did you get that bullshit from? You must have been watching old Ronald Reagan B movies’
‘No George’ I said ‘it was part of my acceptance address when I was elected Chief Barker at the Top Dog Congress last year. Of course I was talking about dogs but I believe there’s no reason why people can’t also come together in a civilized way’
‘Don’t get me wrong here Barney’ said George ‘I’m talking about a speech which reinforces my reputation as leader of the free world’
‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but it’s a question of whether you want to come across as just having won the Denver dwarf-throwing final or the US Presidency’
‘I see what you mean’ said George ‘reconciliator rather than terminator’
‘Right on George’ I said ‘your theme should be leading the world to a new era of freedom and democracy’
‘I like it’ said George ‘no people will live under the yoke of tyranny while I’m in office’
‘Except’ I said ‘Al Qaeda, the Washington Press Gallery, the Clintons, North Korea, Iran, Al Gore, the Taliban, left wing loonies in Hollywood, Michael Moore and Don Rumsfeld’
‘Why Don Rumsfeld?’ Asked George
‘Because he’s too dangerous to allow out on his own’ I responded ‘and what’s more he’s a racist. I heard him tell someone that he didn’t like Scottish Terriers’
‘I shall reassure everyone who has lost their freedom’ said George ‘that I shall not rest until their democratic rights are restored’
‘What about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?’ I asked
‘Oh they’re different’ said George ‘they’re not people they’re terrorists’
‘Osama bin Laden and Nancy Pelosi don’t agree’ I said ‘and what about all those guys renditioned by the CIA to covert overseas arm-twisting centres?’
‘Well only because that sort of thing isn’t allowed in the US’ said George ‘You’re not on their side are you?’
‘No George’ I said ‘it’s just that when I see Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz together sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re on the side of the good guys’
‘Ok’ said George ‘so my Inauguration Speech will be about freedom and democracy for ninety-nine percent of people’
‘Ninety-eight point eight’ I said ‘I forgot that the Chicago Democrats are a terrorist organisation’
Tags: Al Gore, Al Qaeda, Bay of Pigs, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Chicago Democrats, CIA, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Guantanamo Bay, Hillary Clinton, Iran, John Edwards, John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Osama Bin Laden, rendition, Roger Pugh, Ronald Reagan, Taliban, Wolfowitz
Posted in Bush and Barney | 4 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
30th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m sure you’ve heard of ANZAC Day. It’s the time when all our brave lads who survived the wars go out to remember those who didn’t. But some of them like Neville get so hammered they forget what they’re supposed to remember.
This year they had a new fallen comrade. Neville was so pissed that on his way home he fell into a roadworks trench and cut his head. He reckons he should get a medal for being wounded in the trenches.
Anyway I had to rush him down to the hospital to get it stitched.
Kevin’s been rabbiting on for weeks about how he’s going to fix hospitals so I thought I’d check him out. When we got to the emergency department I told them we expected Kevin class service. They laughed their heads off, stuck a plaster on Neville’s head and made us wait five hours for the stitches. Tell you what, Kevin’s a great talker but when it comes to action he instantly reduced everyone in the hospital to stitches except of course poor old Neville.
I don’t know what it is with the Greens. Kevin said the greatest moral challenge of our time was to get into bed with the Greens on climate change. Following the events in Western Australia and Kevin’s decision to dump the ETS it seems the greatest moral challenge of our time is not to get into bed with the Greens.
David Bartlett and Troy Buswell should both reflect on the fact that the Greens policy is not to chop down trees only people.
The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank met this week to discuss a topic of profound global significance, “Who is the biggest pain in the arse in the world today?”
Fred started off proceedings by claiming it was me. Bloody cheek. Marge reckons its Tony Abbott because she can’t stand him but still gets dirty thoughts when she sees him in his tight-fitting lycra cycling gear.
Our Elsie’s brother Cyril reckons its Archbishop Pell because he’s a celibate bloke who presumes to advise women on what they should do with their bodies when he and his uncelibate mates are much more qualified.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckons it’s Julia Gillard (how could he?) because she’s been in love with Mark Latham, Kim Beazley, Tony Abbott and Craig Emerson and still blames John Howard for everything.
Mildred reckons its Warren Beatty because she was madly in love with him but it now turns out he’s slept with 29,999 others.
Madge reckons it’s a tie between Ahadinejad and Hugo Chavez because they’ve got their head so far up each others arses that when one of them farts he gives the other a stinking headache.
Marj reckons its Al Gore because he failed to warn us about the biggest disaster of all, himself.
I reckon it’s David Gallop the CEO of the NRL because despite all the letters I’ve written to him he still allows referees who hate the Eels to ruin our matches and he’s threatened me with a lifetime ban if I go out on the ground to advise them how to do it better.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahadinejad, Al Gore, ANZAC Day, Archbishop Pell, Craig Emerson, David Bartlett, David Gallop, Eels, ETS, Gaelene Woo, Hugo Chavez, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kim Beazley, Mark Latham, NRL, the Greens, Tony Abbott, Troy Buswell, Warren Beatty
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 3 Comments »
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was going to London this week to cover the UK election but we decided not to risk him flying through all that volcanic ash. Instead we sent him to the White House where he landed on a conference room wall just as the President was discussing with two of his top generals how to reduce the US nuclear stockpile. He’s just filed this exclusive report.
Congratulations Mr President’ said Walt ‘on your leadership at the Nuclear Security Summit’
‘Appreciate that Walt’ said Obama ‘I’ve called you and Duke here today to discuss plans for the first step in our nuclear arms reduction programme’
‘Mr President, you’re not actually going to start destroying plutonium are you?’ asked Duke anxiously ‘Walt and I thought you would just want to hide it in a much more obscure location’
‘I’ve given my word to Russia and the rest of the world that we will destroy enough plutonium for seventeen thousand nuclear weapons’ said Obama ‘and Russia has promised to do the same’
‘You can’t trust Russia’ said Walt ‘they’ll hide it for sure. They’re on a par with Venezuela, North Korea, Iran, Syria and New Zealand’
‘Why New Zealand?’ asked Obama
‘I don’t trust All Blacks who use the bomb effectively because it can have a knock-on effect’ said Walt ‘ Duke and I feel strongly that we should drop a nuke on each of those countries just as a warning’
‘Come on you guys’ said Obama ‘I’ve just won the Nobel Peace Prize. I can’t go around nuking everybody just because they remind me of George W. Bush’
‘Mr President’ said Duke ‘here’s the bottom line. If you’re the world’s superpower you’ve got to flaunt it. If you don’t nuke everyone while you’ve got the chance sure as hell one day they’ll nuke you’
‘But I believe in the power of negotiation’ said Obama
‘Forget it Mr President’ said Walt ‘persuading Ahmadinejad to drop his nuclear development is like trying to convince Al Gore that his arse is freezing over’
‘But in some things you have to be more nuanced’ said Obama ‘like the military’s don’t ask don’t tell policy’
‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘I don’t ask because I can tell’
‘Look guys’ said Obama ‘I take decisive military action when it is needed like the surge in Afghanistan’
‘What we need in Afghanistan’ said Duke ‘is not a surge but Armageddon’
‘Please understand’ said Obama ‘that President Medvedev and I have not only pledged to reduce nuclear weapons but also to work towards complete nuclear disarmament in four years’
‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘please tell me you’re joking. If we lose nuclear weapons, bang goes our superpower status and we’re reduced to being as impotent as everyone else. Can’t we keep a few nukes hidden away just in case?’
‘Absolutely not’ said Obama ‘now what’s your plan for getting rid of the plutonium?’
‘Got a great idea Mr President’ said Duke ‘why don’t we sell it to Ahmadinejad for squillions and arrange to detonate it by remote control when he takes delivery’
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Al Gore, All Blacks, Barack Obama, George Bush, George W Bush, Guy the Fly, Iran, New Zealand, Nobel Peace Prize, North Korea, Nuclear Security Summit, President of USA, Russia, Syria, US President, Venezuela, volcanic ash, White House
Posted in Fly on the Wall | No Comments »
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly remained in the US this week after his assignment in Al Gore’s office and managed to find a place on a wall of the conference room at Tiger Wood’s sports management agency when a discussion of post-apology strategies was under way. Here is his exclusive report.
‘Hey guys, I thought the apology went well’
‘Sure thing Mac’ said Huey ‘nice touch of yours about Buddhism. Do you think people spotted that Tiger didn’t write the apology himself?’
‘No way’ said Mac ‘who cares anyhow? The important objective is preserving the Tiger Woods brand. What do you think Carrie?’
‘Absolute brilliant Mac’ said Carrie ‘you guys who wrote the apology did a great job. But I wonder if that’s how Tiger really feels’
‘What do you mean?’ asked Mac ‘That’s what he agreed to say isn’t it?’
‘Yes I know’ said Carrie ‘but there have been reports that he’s been out with bimbos during his sex addiction treatment at the clinic’
‘Well maybe he had to do a bit of fieldwork’ said Mac ‘or maybe they’re weaning him off bimbos gradually. I mean you can’t expect him to go one hundred percent cold turkey’
‘Perhaps he’s had enough of golf’ suggested Huey
‘You have to be joking’ said Mac ‘besides we can’t afford to lose all that revenue. We need Tiger out there hitting the greens to make our profit forecast for the year’
‘No but seriously’ said Huey ‘he’s made all those billions and as he said in the apology he now feels he’s entitled to some matchplay off the golf course’
‘Wait a minute’ said Mac ‘the Tiger Woods brand which is the mark of our genius depicts a loving husband and father who is the world’s greatest golfer’
‘That’s history Mac’ said Carrie ‘you might get away with ‘loving father’ but ‘loving husband’ is about as believable as Sarah Palin becoming a porn movie star’
‘Talking of porn stars’ said Huey ‘you know that one Tiger used to go out with. She’s complaining that Tiger’s been unfaithful to her. Is she kidding? Don’t tell me she’s switched to making documentaries for National Geographic’
‘We’ve got to Tiger back on the golf circuit as soon as possible’ said Mac ‘golf needs it, the public needs it and our bottom line desperately needs it’
‘I’m beginning to think that his future aspirations will be more in the rough than on the fairways’ said Huey ‘I’ve got an idea. Let’s produce a new television series called Tiger and the Desperate Porn Stars. It would be an absolute smash hit and make us a lot more money than golf’
‘And Tiger will be eternally grateful to us’ said Carrie’ for helping him find his true destiny’. ’
‘You’re right’ said Mac ‘Come to think of it I’ve recently had the sort of feeling that Tiger’s ready for something different. I’ll ring up all those porn stars I know and Huey you ring up Tiger’s girlfriends. You’ve been out with all of them’
Tags: Al Gore, Buddhism, Desperate Porn Stars, golf, National Geographic, Sarah Palin, sex addiction, sex addiction clinic, Tiger Woods
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 7 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
26th February 2010
Dear Mr President,
You are just not going to believe this. All four of those people who came to the Sarah Palin Roast and half-price beer night came back for our club meeting this week and are now paid up members. So that takes us to a total of twenty-two and there were actually twenty-three at the meeting because the cleaning lady stayed on.
Great excitement here this week over the government’s insulation scheme. It’s been a big shock to everyone and Peter Garrett’s in deep doodoo over it. Mind you it only goes to prove what I’ve always said. Greenies like Peter are great at stirring the possum but get them to organise something like batts in your belfry and they’re totally out of their environment.
You’re not going to believe this either. Tony Abbott’s given up sex for Lent. Neville said it was Mary MacKillop’s third miracle.
I saw Malcolm Turnbull on the telly last night and I can’t believe I’m saying this but he almost came across as likeable. You can’t help admiring him for supporting Kevin’s ETS although he probably hasn’t got the faintest idea what it’s all about just like the rest of us.
It doesn’t look like Malcolm will get a decent gig in the Coalition while the Mad Monk’s in charge so I hope Kevin finds a decent job for him. I wrote to him suggesting he should organise a new political party called the Don’t Knows. They’re already ahead of the Greens in the polls.
I had prepared to discuss some really profound international issues at the World Affairs Think Tank this week but all they wanted to talk about was the ETS and climate change. So I hastily changed the subject to ‘Climate Change, the ETS and ERF; are they all a con job?’
Cyril said he’d watched the weather forecast on Channel Nine News every day for over twenty years and there was no sign of the climate changing.
Marge said she hadn’t got a clue what the ETS is about. She couldn’t believe that the government wanted to charge everyone for smoke. She claimed her Alf blew smoke out of his backside at least twice a day and the ETS would make him unaffordable.
Our Mavis’ Bert said he had really tried hard to understand Tony Abbott’s ERF. He believed it was basically about persuading people to stay home in the dark, because electricity would be too expensive, and spend more time having sex as long as it wasn’t during Lent, with a catholic priest or with one of his daughters.
Mildred as usual was right on the money. She claimed that Copenhagen was a disaster because there’s no one size fit all climate change solution. Every country should decide what climate it wants and design an ETS or an ERF to make it happen. We should leave all the world stuff to Al Gore and also Kevin because obviously Australia doesn’t emit enough carbon to keep him fully interested.
I summed it all up by saying whatever our views we should all take part in Clean-up Australia this year. I couldn’t see what it’s got to do with climate change but I was sure there is a connection somewhere. What’s more this year there will be loads of waste batts to clean up.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Al Gore, Clean-up Australia, Climate Change, Copenhagen, ETS, Greens, home insulation scheme, Insulation, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Mary MacKillop, Peter Garrett, Sarah Palin, Tony Abbott
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the snowy wastes of Washington DC to send this exclusive report from high up on a wall in Al Gore’s office.
Al was on the phone to Kevin Rudd.
‘Kevin I can’t believe those Liberal assholes down there are still blocking your ETS. Don’t they care about the future of mankind? What’s that you say? Yes it was unfortunate that my forecast about polar bears becoming extinct was wrong. Of course I’m happy for the polar bears but its important to convince people that global warming is a huge disaster’
He broke off to yell out to his assistant ‘Hey Martha can’t you turn the heating up in here, I’m freezing’
‘There’s mountains of snow round here’ he continued to Kevin ‘and people refuse to understand its all caused by global warming. Then there’s that extraordinarily warm weather in Vancouver for the Olympic Games. It’s amazing that people can still be so hot and cold about climate change’
‘Is there any of those Pacific Islands under water yet? No, oh well that’s surprising. Please let me know the minute one looks like becoming inundated. I’ve got my film unit on stand-by. What’s that? Could I help with rescuing the population? Well I guess I could fit a couple in my executive jet but it would be a squeeze’
‘I was thrilled to hear about the incredible plan you and Peter Garrett put together to insulate so many homes in Australia. Yes I know it’s a shame that eighty-odd caught fire but that’s not going to have a major impact on carbon emissions’
He breaks off again to call out to his assistant ‘Martha I’m about to start suffering hypothermia. For Pete’s sake turn up the heating. Yes I know it will mean increased emissions but I’ll plant a couple of trees or something’
Back on the phone to Kevin. ‘I can’t believe there’s glaciers melting all over the world but there’s no sign of it happening to the snow in Washington dammit. And meanwhile you’re suffering all those fires and droughts in Australia. What, there’s no fires and it’s pouring with rain everywhere? Don’t lose faith Kevin I’m sure you’ll be ravaged by global warming soon’
‘Is there anything I can do to help you convince Tony Abbott and all those other Neanderthals down there. What’s wrong with these people, haven’t they read my book and seen my film? I’d fly down there but I’m terribly conscious of the size of my carbon footprint’
‘Hey good news. Its just come through on my television channel that they’ve had to postpone some events at the Olympics because of the unseasonally warm weather. Look I’ve got to let you go because my feet are going numb’
‘Emergency’ he yelled to Martha ‘Go out and buy a heater or a sack of coal and bugger the damned emissions’
Tags: Al Gore, ETS, global warming, Kevin Rudd, Peter Garrett, Tony Abbott, Winter Olympics
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 2 Comments »
This week Guy the intrepid Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the Christmas 2009 Review Meeting between Santa Claus, the Christmas Fairy and Number One Elf at the North Pole. From a vantage point high on the wall of Santa’s Christmas Grotto he sent us this exclusive report.
‘Dear me’ said Santa ‘this global research study into people’s attitudes to Christmas 2009 is very disturbing. 20% couldn’t remember whose birthday it was, 10% complained about the lack of bar service in churches, 30% thought it was a retail promotion and 40% thought it was a binge drinking carnival’
‘And don’t forget’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘that 80% thought it was spoilt by too much emphasis on religion’
‘Heavens’ said Santa ‘the Archangel won’t like that. He also won’t like the huge offer I’ve had to appear in a VB ad campaign next Christmas. I’ll have to tell him VB stands for virgin birth’
‘People don’t seem to appreciate the presents you give them like they used to’ said the Number One Elf ‘Barnaby Joyce has returned the calculator because he reckons it can’t tell the difference between millions and billions. Belinda Neal has returned the course of anger management classes you delivered on behalf of Kevin and she was really pissed off about it and Kevin has returned his budgie smugglers because they were condemned by the RSPCA’
‘Can you believe’ remarked Santa ‘that some people want to change the whole concept of Christmas. Obama supporters are promoting a second Christmas to mark his birthday and most people believe it should be a beer festival rather than a religious festival’
‘And have you heard the latest?’ asked the Christmas Fairy ‘the Archangel thinks that the reindeer and sleigh is not a viable transportation model in the era of global warming and he’s thinking of giving the Christmas presents delivery contract to DHL’
‘We got a letter from Al Gore the other day’ said the Number One Elf ‘warning us that our Grotto will melt by 2020 and we should seek alternative accommodation that floats. He must think you’re bloody Noah’
‘I’m terribly worried my good name is being eroded by all those out-of-work actors who impersonate me in retail stores’ said Santa ‘I read that one was so strange he got the part of Little Red Riding Hood in a Christmas Panto and another handed out kids toys to the mothers and sex toys to the kids’
‘What on earth should we do for Christmas 2010?’asked the Number One Elf.
‘I think we should do a deal with Obama, Kevin and Gordon Brown’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘to deliver a global Christmas stimulus package each year’
‘I think we should encourage polygamy’ said the Number One Elf ‘It’s much more efficient to have a household like President Zuma’s where you can drop off presents for twenty kids and four wives in one place’
‘We have to go with the flow’ said Santa ‘let’s negotiate a free Christmas grog worldwide delivery service. I’ve always wanted to be a philanthropissed’
Tags: Al Gore, Archangel, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Belinda Neal, Christmas Fairy, DHL, Father Christmas, Gordon Brown, Kevin Rudd, Little Red Riding Hood, President of USA, President Zuma, RSPCA, Santa, stimulus package
Posted in Fly on the Wall | No Comments »
Tony Jones’ interview with Penny Wong on the 4th February edition of Lateline was an absolute classic.
For the transcript, click here
Watch Penny Wong Interviewed on ABC's Lateline
For those of us craving a clear, concise and logical explanation of what on earth the ETS is all about the occasion was richly entertaining but not alas enlightening.
Despite being asked repeatedly about the ETS’ cost impact on families – working, non-working and bone idle – not a single figure passed Penny’s lips. She claimed that extensive modelling was released in 2008. That was apparently too long ago for her to remember the numbers it contained but for those who are still interested there is always the chance of coming across it in a library or a loo.
Tony’s questions about the ETS cost hikes to families in the event of an emissions reduction target higher than five percent were met buy a dogged refusal even to countenance such an abstruse notion.
The kindest possible assessment of Penny’s interview is that it added diddly squat to viewers’ storehouse of ETS knowledge and may even have eroded it slightly. But wait. On the subject of Tony Abbott’s Emissions Reduction Fund Penny demonstrated encyclopaedic knowledge. She came armed with sheafs of documents claimed to contain irrefutable evidence that Tony’s ERF was a non-starter and would cost squillions more than the ETS whatever that costs.
This was like a football coach explaining that his team’s tactics were based on a 2008 plan which he couldn’t remember but that doesn’t matter because the opposition are so hopeless.
Kevin has admitted that his government must improve their communications about the ETS. The question is did he forget to tell Penny, did she ignore him or was this, heaven help us, what she considered to be an improved communication.
Probably as a result of urgings by the spin doctors to soften her image Penny has developed a sudden synthetic smile for television interviews. When Tony asked questions she considered tiresome, embarrassing or downright dangerous she flashed on the smile to mask a face almost certainly contorted with rage and betraying an irresistible urge to choke the living shit out of him. Luckily he was in a studio hundreds of kilometres away.
The interview raised the issue of who can we possibly believe on matters of climate change.
Polar bears are the living proof we can’t trust Al Gore. Penny is about as helpful as a call centre operator in Bangalore and Kevin’s still got a Copenhagen complex. Climate change scientists have slipped up on the Himalayan glaciers and following his recent conversion it is too soon to expect anything sensible from Tony Abbott.
No wonder Lord Monckton is commanding so much attention. His is the only clear message on climate change; lie back for ten years, let it happen and then take stock. Even if he isn’t right its refreshing to hear a convenient truth amongst the deluge of inconvenient, incomprehensible and disingenuous approximations.
With all due respect to Kevin, climate change is not the greatest moral challenge of our generation. It is rather persuading politicians, scientists and opinion leaders to come clean about it.
Tags: Al Gore, Climate Change, Copenhagen, emission trading, ETS, Kevin Rudd, Lateline, Lord Monckton, Penny Wong, Tony Abbott, Tony Jones
Posted in Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to a wall in the Washington DC office of the US Secretary of State and sent us this exclusive report on the vital strategic discussion she had with her husband.
‘You’d have made a much better president than Obama’ said Bill
‘I know’ said Hillary ‘the only thing that stopped me was the laughable prospect of you becoming the First Gentleman’
‘Behind the great female president’ said Bill ‘would have been a former great male president with his hand up her back’
‘Most women seem to have experienced your hand up somewhere’ responded Hillary
‘Ten years ago’ said Bill ‘Obama would have been lucky to get a job serving us coffee’
‘Ten years ago’ said Hillary ‘you were damned lucky everyone didn’t leave you to get your own coffee’
‘Oh come on honey’ said Bill ‘I spent months out there on the campaign trail pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to get you the top gig’
‘Didn’t all those women find it confusing that you got them in sack just to campaign for your wife?’
‘When it comes to elections’ said Bill ‘the end justifies the means’
‘Not when it’s your end it doesn’t’ said Hillary ‘I probably lost the election because you couldn’t keep it up’
‘When Al Gore and Ted Kennedy deserted you who was it who stuck by you even putting my own reputation on the line?’
‘Some reputation’ said Hillary ‘it’s a sort of role model for Tiger Woods. Who pulled you through when you were impeached? Not Madeleine Albright or Al Gore but good old me. Even Monica deserted you and despite all that time you spent working on her I’ll bet she didn’t vote for me’
‘Honey’ said Bill ‘you’ve got to understand I have a certain charisma that appeals to women and it enabled me to play an effective presidential part in your campaign’
‘Oh I’ve no doubt your presidential part played effectively in all sorts of places’ said Hillary
‘Now let’s get serious about 2012’ said Bill ‘we’ve got to start planning your next presidential campaign immediately’
‘Forget it’ said Hillary ‘you’ve spent too long in the doghouse ever to get back in the White House. My best chance of becoming president is a divorce’
‘You’ve got to admit’ said Bill ‘that I was a better president than George W Bush. And sexier too. Give me a year or two to work my charms and every woman in the US will be ready to vote for you’
‘Why do I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m the one who would get screwed?’ said Hillary ‘Look I can’t sit around chatting to you, I’ve got to phone Kevin Rudd about World Kangaroo Day. Are you in for dinner tonight?’
‘Sure honey’ said Bill ‘how about a romantic evening for two?’
‘Darling’ said Hillary ‘I thought you’d never ask’
Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, First Gentleman, Fly on the Wall, George Bush, George W Bsh, Hillary Clinton, Kevin Rudd, Madeleine Albright, Monica Lewinsky, President of USA, Ted Kennedy, Tiger Woods, US Secretary of State, Washington DC
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 2 Comments »
Story No. 17
‘Now look, about this Iraq business’ said Tony Blair
He had dropped into George’s ranch at Crawford, Texas for a confidential word about stuffing Saddam and George and I were accompanying him on a post lunch constitutional round a paddock.
It was a pleasant stroll although we were surrounded by enough security heavies to prevent Boris Yeltsin getting into a vodka festival. George wanted me around to advise him on the really complex strategic issues and I looked forward to the visit because I knew he kept a couple of bitches down there with the qualities to bring joy even to a dog’s life.
‘Colin Powell is convinced that Saddam has WMDs’ said George ‘and that only confirms what Dick and Don have been saying for sometime’
I’d been telling George for just as long that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were far more dangerous WMDs than anything Saddam could possibly have.
‘What if we don’t find any WMDs?’ asked Tony
‘No chance’ said George ‘but don’t forget that Saddam told the UN to go and get whooped and he’s acting like a cross between Hitler, Frankenstein and Hillary Clinton’
‘We’ve got to tread carefully’ said Tony ‘Find the WMDs then change the regime by getting rid of Saddam, his army and his police force. We don’t want to be landed with that whole Sunni Shia can of worms’
I quickly ran behind a hedge and shouted ‘What about Al Qaeda?’ I was under strict instructions from George not to open my mouth but my self-control failed me.
‘What on earth was that?’ asked Tony
‘It was one of the security guys’ said George ‘By the way one of my senior advisers reckons we should leave the army and the police force intact. He believes if we disband them they’ll all join Al Qaeda and the country will descend into chaos’
I was flattered that George had remembered my advice so accurately.
‘Well he’s got that wrong’ said Tony ‘once we’ve sorted out Saddam and his crew the whole country will come to its senses. That adviser of yours sounds like a real dog’
I’d never liked Tony Blair but now he hit rock bottom on the shitlist. If I told George once I told him a hundred times never to go to war alongside a socialist.
‘You might just as well get some advice from Barney’ added Tony pissing himself with laughter
Fortunately my self-control reasserted itself and I was able to refrain from urinating down his trousers.
‘Tony do your people believe this war is legal?’ asked George
‘Half do, half don’t’ said Tony ‘you know what lawyers are like. They tell you what they think will make them the most money’
‘Ok’ said George ‘I’ll send Saddam a note giving him the option of resigning and spending the next ten years in Antarctica growing glaciers with Al Gore or facing high noon at the OK Corral’
‘Right on George’ said Tony ‘we’ll bring peace and democracy to the people of Iraq and an era of hope and prosperity to the whole world’
‘What a load of absolute crap’ I shouted from behind the hedge.
Tags: Al Gore, Al Qaeda, Boris Yeltsin, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Frankenstein, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Tony Blair, WMD
Posted in Bush and Barney | 6 Comments »
Loading ...