Story No. 14
‘Barney, why do you think so many people don’t like me’ asked George
I instantly recognised that a complete response to that question would take at least a couple of hours. So I decided to be kind and considerate because after all I like George and more to the point he pays my licence fee.
‘Well George, let’s put it this way’ I said ‘half the people in the world don’t like you because you’re way over to the right, another 10% don’t like you because you appointed Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, 10% more don’t like you because you’ve started two wars, yet another 10% don’t like you because they’re women who are pro-choice, there’s at least 10% don’t like you because they think you did the dirty on Al over the election results, 5% think you’re a brainless rich kid who only became president through family connections and there’s 4.5% who live in the Middle East’
‘That only leaves .5%’ said George
‘You can’t expect people to like you if you’re a politician’ I said ‘if it was popularity you were after you should have become a pop star or a great lover’
‘I’m pretty popular in Texas’ said George
‘That’s because when you were the Governor’ I said ‘you were responsible for executing more bad guys than Wyatt Earp’
‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘I’m quite popular in Europe’
‘Well the French think you’re as pig-headed as the Brits’ I said ‘the Brits think you’re a sabre-rattling loony like the French and the Germans can’t understand how anyone could possibly start a war’
‘Tony Blair likes me’ said George
‘That’s why nobody likes Tony Blair’ I said
‘Well what about John Howard’ said George ‘he really likes me’
‘I know’ I said ‘and so did that other Aussie Steve Irwin. He had great respect for crocodiles and other primitive life forms’
‘And they even have a bush culture in Australia’ said George
‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but the only connection with you is that it covers a lot of wide open spaces’
‘I get on very well with Putin’ said George
‘Yes’ I said ‘but it was unfortunate you took his advice on how to fight a war in Afghanistan’
‘So Barney’ said George ‘how would you advise me to improve my image?’
‘That’s easy’ I said ‘form a coalition government with the Democrats, fire Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, stop both the wars, carry out a couple of abortions, make Al Gore your Secretary for the Environment and take out Palestinian citizenship. I’m afraid we’re stuck with the fact that you’re a brainless rich kid with family connections’
‘Or’ said George ‘I could become a President beloved the world over for his humanity, integrity and unswerving commitment to raise the human dignity of mankind’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘Mother Theresa’s already done that gig’
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