In a humane initiative inspired by Kevin, Friday Mash has produced this definitive guide for seekers of asylum in Australia. They are probably just as confused about Australia’s immigration policies as the rest of us.

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugee’s programme is the entry method for asylum seekers preferred by the Australian Government. It has the marked advantage of no involvement with the Oceanic Viking, Christmas Island or the dreaded people smugglers.

The High Commissioner is a busy fellow and it can take him years to pronounce you a genuine refugee and find a slot for you in a decent neighbourhood. It is hardly surprising that this delay promotes queue-jumping especially by people menaced by homicidal maniacs or up to their necks in melted icebergs.

Furthermore he has trouble meeting refugee demands for a premier destination like Australia. Quota restrictions mean refugees often have to settle for second best like the US and the UK. Relocation in NZ can be surprisingly seamless after months of being herded round like sheep.

Asylum seekers with a passport and a quid or two can opt for the Qantas Solution. This is the Australian Government’s second preference for asylum seekers because they have a large shareholding in Qantas but don’t get a cracker out of people smuggling.

The Qantas Solution offers unique benefits. On arrival in Australia asylum seekers can spend time casing the joint before deciding they want to go Aussie. When they alert the authorities of their intention there’s no question of a detention centre except in the case of terrorists or climate change sceptics. They are immediately upgraded from asylum seeker to permanent residency seeker status. Before leaving home however it is prudent to join the Qantas Frequent Flyer Programme just in case you are red-carded.

Asylum seekers arriving in Australia by boat go straight to a detention centre. It should be noted that travelling to Christmas Island in your own boat avoids the unpleasantness of travelling with people smugglers. A call ahead to book accommodation on Christmas Island and arrange a rendezvous with the Oceanic Viking is always much appreciated.

The asylum seekers’ entry method which causes by far the most angst to the Australian Government is people smugglers. Asylum seekers are strongly advised to regard this as the option of last resort because it involves dealing with three of the most difficult organisations in the world, people smugglers, the Indonesian Government and the Australian Government.

People smuggler boats are built to Kamikaze standards. They never come back because they either sink, explode or are impounded at sea by the Australian authorities. They have about as much chance of reaching Australia as the World Cannibal Convention and the crews have about as much idea of Australia’s geographical position as Dick Cheney.

Kevin is susceptible to giving asylum seekers special treatment but only if you manage to get picked up in Indonesian waters by an Australian boat. All you have to do is simply refuse to get off the boat when it reaches Indonesia. Kevin is far too humane to force you off. Ultimately he will be so embarrassed he’ll lose patience and bribe you to get off. Don’t take his first offer but hang out for something really worthwhile like a tickertape parade in Sydney and Melbourne, a season ticket to the MCG and Australian of the Year.

Asylum seeking has its tiresome moments. But seekers will only have to wait a year or two before Kevin says ‘sorry’.