Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

16th April 2010

Dear Mr President,

I’m not even going to talk about the Eels.  Fancy losing at home to Canberra.  Neville had to take a day off on Tuesday suffering hypertension surplus syndrome.

As you know Julia’s such a lovely woman and you know me, I don’t like to criticise, but I can’t help feeling her BER’s another big stuff-up.

I think she means well but she’s a bit headstrong if you know what I mean.  She’s minister for everything and then she comes up with Building the Education Revolution which is miraculously going to save Australia from the global financial crisis and save our kids from schools built by pommie convicts.

For months Julia’s been saying that the BER is the biggest thing since Malcolm’s ego and how dare the media criticise it because she’s taken the trouble to tell them that it has saved hundreds of thousands of jobs and saved our kids from illiteracy and uncovered outdoor learning areas and who cares about one or two little rip-offs because that’s life and her auditors will be on to them.

Suddenly things have changed.  The whiff of rorting has become a real stink.  Apparently everyone’s been getting in for their chop especially the state governments.  It seems rorting the BER has become bigger than rorting the home insulation scheme.  And most of the school buildings which cost squillions look like they’ve been nailed together by Neville after he came home pissed one night.

So about a year too late Julia’s set up an Inquiry because her rigorous auditing system has either been rorted or needs auditing.  The Inquiry’s costing fourteen million.  Can you believe that?  I could have told Julia what’s wrong for the cost of a gin and tonic, a Chinese takeaway and a lager.

I think in future Kevin should apologise and set up an Inquiry in advance of doing anything.  Now would probably be the right time for his hospitals plan.

Kevin’s developed a great strategy to keep asylum seekers in detention centres rather than letting them into the country.  As I said to Marge the other day I’m sure this is the start of a plan to build up the Tamil Tiger population on Christmas Island before giving it to them as their homeland.  The place is becoming far too expensive for us to keep running it.

The World Affairs Think Tank met on Tuesday to discuss the Fiji situation again.  We’ve all got holidays booked there this year and Frank Bainimarama’s going raving mad again and censoring the press.

We decided we’d still go because we’ve paid the deposits and don’t like Bali.  But we’ve written to Frank requesting a chat to tell him that if he doesn’t get off the kava and do something sensible we’re going to Vanuatu next year and he can stick his Fiji Bitter up his cyclone alley.

As I said to Neville this is the sort of desperate mindset a country can get into when it realises its only friend is New Zealand.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President