Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
28th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m terribly worried abut Wayne. He’s come up with this budget which all depends on gouging squillions out of the mining industry and I think he’s totally stuffed it.
This Hooray Henry bloke did a review of the Aussie Tax System and comes up with a hundred and thirty odd recommendations to reduce the number of taxes and one to introduce a new one. And so what do you think Wayne does? You’ve guessed it. He ignores the one hundred and thirty odd recommendations but introduces the new tax.
Even Tony Abbott could see that was asking for trouble let alone Blind Freddie.
Wayne is promising to do all sorts of wonderful things on corporate tax and super and save us from debt with money he hasn’t got and doesn’t look like getting. It’s like me promising to buy Neville a brewery from my winnings when the Eels win the premiership in September.
I can’t believe dear Kevin agreed to all this. He must have been smoking something.
Believe me I’m not a fan of the mining companies, but if Wayne carries on with this super profits thing they’ll soon be exporting themselves rather than iron ore.
Then a crack will appear in Wayne’s bottom line and he’ll start crapping over all of us.
I think Kevin and Wayne are actually trying to kibosh Western Australia because they’ve got a state Liberal Government who won’t cough a third of their GST to Kevin for hospitals. They’re worried that if they don’t slow down the mining industry over there the WA economy will soon be bigger than the rest of Australia.
The threat of the new mining tax has sent the Aussie dollar plunging. Wayne has single-handedly already increased the cost of our Fiji holiday by ten percent. I feel like sending him the bill.
Then he has the absolute gall to say that his super profits tax will be good for the mining industry because it will slow things down. I mean doesn’t the clown understand it will also slow his super tax receipts down? I think Wayne’s losing it.
I’ve written a letter to Kevin suggesting that Wayne should have some time off to export himself to China.
We discussed the super profits tax at the Obama Fan Club this week. Marge who is an even bigger Kevin supporter than I am thinks that Wayne’s doing all this because he goes on holiday to Noosa and the falling dollar doesn’t affect him.
Mavis’ cousin works down a mine and says if Kevin is right and our minerals belong to all Australians why won’t they let him take home his share every night?
Albert thinks Wayne is a financial genius and compared with Albert he probably is.
I feel so strongly about it that I’ve also written to Kevin warning him that a super profits tax will put an end to super profits. Although I must say that if Twiggy Forrest’s bank balance becomes as slim as that other Twiggy it won’t fuss me too much.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, China, falling Australian dollar, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Government, mining tax, Obama Fan Club, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Twiggy Forrest, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly found a spot on the Arizona side of the border wall with Mexico where he listened in to a conversation between two guards, Tony and Bill, from the Arizona Border Patrol. He has just sent us this exclusive report from the frontline against illegal Mexican immigration.
‘Pretty quiet tonight’ said Billy ‘I haven’t arrested an illegal in over 24 hours’
‘I’ve been mending holes in the wall’ said Tony ‘those goddam Hispanics could squeeze through a toothpaste tube’
‘You know’ said Billy ‘I feel sorry for some of them. They’re so desperate to get a job over here. I’ve arrested one guy five times, but he keeps coming back. Next time he’s promised to bring me some Mexican takeaway’
‘There’s half a million Hispanic illegals in Arizona’ said Tony ‘and we just can’t afford them, the state’s going bankrupt. If it gets any worse the only way Obama can solve the problem is declaring the state to be part of Mexico’
‘But I’m worried about the new laws in Arizona’ said Billy ‘Any Hispanic-looking person who breaks the law or acts suspiciously can be asked by the police to show his papers. That’s profiling Tony, it could happen to you’
‘Look’ said Tony ‘I know my name’s Rodriguez but my family’s been in Pheonix for eighty years. I’d love to be profiled and get in the paper. The boss said I needed to raise my profile’
‘Sometimes I think we should just leave the border open’ said Billy ‘I’m sure people wouldn’t mind checking in when they came across’
‘You have to be kidding’ said Tony ‘we’d lose our jobs and all those drug cartels just over there in Ciudad Juarez would cut out the middle men and set up shop all over America’
‘Yes I know’ said Billy ‘but the vast majority of the people I arrest are good blokes just hoping to do casual work here and send some dollars back to their families’
‘I know’ said Tony ‘and Obama can’t wait to make them citizens because they all vote Democrat. I agree with Governor Brewer and John McCain, we need to keep the illegals out. Next thing the Mexican soccer team will be playing home games in Phoenix’
‘But the illegals help our economy’ said Billy ‘they do all the crap jobs which Americans don’t want and what’s more they enrich our ethnic culture’
‘Bullshit’ said Tony ‘any country whose national dish is turkey in chocolate sauce couldn’t enrich lunch in a penitentiary. Tacos taste like Mike Tyson’s underpants’
‘I’m thinking of changing jobs’ said Billy ‘and becoming a city cop. Then I can protect the community from real criminals’
I’m staying right here’ said Tony ‘I’m determined to stop drug carriers, Al Qaeda and future Democrat voters getting into the country. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that mob from Guantanamo Bay trying to get in’
‘But what about the workers helping our economy?’ asked Billy
‘They contribute absolutely nothing and just take over our jobs and services’ said Tony ‘I’ll bet they try to climb over the wall at the Cardinals and D-Backs and get in for nothing there as well. Wait a minute. Come on Billy, there’s another bunch of illegals climbing the wall over there’
‘I’m with you Tony’ shouted Billy ‘I hope its that guy with my Mexican takeaway’
Tags: Al Qaeda, Barack Obama, Democrat, Governor Brewer, Guantanamo Bay, Guy the Fly, Hispanic illegal immigrants, Hispanic illegals, illegal Mexican immigration, John McCain, Mexican takeaway, Mike Tyson
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 4 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
14th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I don’t know whether you’ve met Wayne Swan but I’ve always thought he was not a bad sort of bloke and I loved the way he used to stick it up John Howard and Peter Costello.
He seemed to me like a poor man’s Kevin, although the way Kevin’s travelling at the moment he’ll soon become a poor man’s Wayne.
There’s always been something about Wayne that I’ve never quite sussed. It’s not so much he’s a Swan with duck’s disease because I’ve got nothing against small men but I’ve always found him just a bit too bumptious and a little too much of the try-hard. Know what I mean?
But his budget this week changed all that. He’s been promoted to my A list.
It’s obvious to people like me who are students of politics that this was the first Australian budget developed in cooperation with the Chinese. Wayne cleverly got them to underwrite his budget by persuading them to buy mountains of iron ore without a discount.
And the Chinese don’t mind about Wayne pocketing most of the miner’s profits because they’re pissed at having to pay them a packet for iron ore when all they do is dig it out of the ground.
I daresay as a reciprocal gesture Wayne is helping the Chinese government sort out their budget and Kevin’s translating all his stuff. What a team.
Wayne did rabbit on a bit about how Australia’s economic resurgence is all thanks to him and Kevin. You’d think he’d give a bit of the credit to China.
This new arrangement means if the budget turns out to be a monumental disaster Wayne can blame China as well as John Howard.
Source: SMH
Actually Wayne does have a fallback position even if the bucks from China dry up. He could increase the price of smokes by ten dollars and put a picture of himself on each packet with the slogan ‘Not smoking can cause the Treasurer a heart attack’.
One thing I could kiss Wayne for is reducing those interminable hours I have to spend on tax returns. I have to do all ours since Neville was fined for making a false declaration. He claimed his Eels season ticket was a charitable contribution to the disabled.
Wayne promised the budget will be in surplus in three years but I hope the Chinese understand what he’s letting them in for.
A word of advice in case you’re intending to ask for a loan when you come here next month. I don’t think Wayne will have any spare until he starts excavating it from the mining companies. I’d advise going direct to China like you usually do.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Chinese Government, cigarette tax, Eels, Federal Budget, Gaelene Woo, iron ore, John Howard, Obama Fan Club, Peter Costello, President of US, President of USA, US President, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Storm Warning
Kevin would be the ideal choice as coach of the Melbourne Storm. He’s shown an outstanding ability to achieve pointless results.
Copping a Packet
Proposed new slogans to go on cigarette packets are ‘Kevin can be harmful to your health’ and ‘Smoking can cause an ETS’.
Penny Spent
There are indications from Canberra that Penny Wong has been capped and traded.
Oil and Water Do Mix
Experts have been warning for some time that oil reserves are running out but thanks to a BP initiative just off Louisiana we shall soon all be swimming in it.
To Pits
Kevin’s new taxation policy has been shown to have miner flaws but government sources deny he’s just digging another big hole for himself.
Giving Him a Plug
Obama was called in to see whether he could plug the BP oil leak but unfortunately he wasn’t wide enough.
Melting Moments
Penny Wong says she isn’t giving up on global warming. Sources predict she’ll soon be off to Antarctica to try and set some glaciers on fire.
Waxing Wayne
It’s so considerate of Kevin to bring Wayne out of summer hibernation just in time to take all the blame for the budget and the super profits tax.
Tags: Antarctica, Barack Obama, BP oil leak, cigarette packaging, ETS, global warming, health warnings, Henry Tax Review, Kevin Rudd, Melbourne Storm, Penny Wong, Roger Pugh, super profits tax, tax reform, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 1 Comment »
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was going to London this week to cover the UK election but we decided not to risk him flying through all that volcanic ash. Instead we sent him to the White House where he landed on a conference room wall just as the President was discussing with two of his top generals how to reduce the US nuclear stockpile. He’s just filed this exclusive report.
Congratulations Mr President’ said Walt ‘on your leadership at the Nuclear Security Summit’
‘Appreciate that Walt’ said Obama ‘I’ve called you and Duke here today to discuss plans for the first step in our nuclear arms reduction programme’
‘Mr President, you’re not actually going to start destroying plutonium are you?’ asked Duke anxiously ‘Walt and I thought you would just want to hide it in a much more obscure location’
‘I’ve given my word to Russia and the rest of the world that we will destroy enough plutonium for seventeen thousand nuclear weapons’ said Obama ‘and Russia has promised to do the same’
‘You can’t trust Russia’ said Walt ‘they’ll hide it for sure. They’re on a par with Venezuela, North Korea, Iran, Syria and New Zealand’
‘Why New Zealand?’ asked Obama
‘I don’t trust All Blacks who use the bomb effectively because it can have a knock-on effect’ said Walt ‘ Duke and I feel strongly that we should drop a nuke on each of those countries just as a warning’
‘Come on you guys’ said Obama ‘I’ve just won the Nobel Peace Prize. I can’t go around nuking everybody just because they remind me of George W. Bush’
‘Mr President’ said Duke ‘here’s the bottom line. If you’re the world’s superpower you’ve got to flaunt it. If you don’t nuke everyone while you’ve got the chance sure as hell one day they’ll nuke you’
‘But I believe in the power of negotiation’ said Obama
‘Forget it Mr President’ said Walt ‘persuading Ahmadinejad to drop his nuclear development is like trying to convince Al Gore that his arse is freezing over’
‘But in some things you have to be more nuanced’ said Obama ‘like the military’s don’t ask don’t tell policy’
‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘I don’t ask because I can tell’
‘Look guys’ said Obama ‘I take decisive military action when it is needed like the surge in Afghanistan’
‘What we need in Afghanistan’ said Duke ‘is not a surge but Armageddon’
‘Please understand’ said Obama ‘that President Medvedev and I have not only pledged to reduce nuclear weapons but also to work towards complete nuclear disarmament in four years’
‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘please tell me you’re joking. If we lose nuclear weapons, bang goes our superpower status and we’re reduced to being as impotent as everyone else. Can’t we keep a few nukes hidden away just in case?’
‘Absolutely not’ said Obama ‘now what’s your plan for getting rid of the plutonium?’
‘Got a great idea Mr President’ said Duke ‘why don’t we sell it to Ahmadinejad for squillions and arrange to detonate it by remote control when he takes delivery’
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Al Gore, All Blacks, Barack Obama, George Bush, George W Bush, Guy the Fly, Iran, New Zealand, Nobel Peace Prize, North Korea, Nuclear Security Summit, President of USA, Russia, Syria, US President, Venezuela, volcanic ash, White House
Posted in Fly on the Wall | No Comments »
Zero Nero
It is rumoured that the Bushfire Inquiry has discovered why Christine Nixon dined while Victoria burned. She doesn’t know how to play the fiddle.
The End of The Affair
Some commentators believe that Kristina’s honeymoon with the NSW public ended with the F3 motorway debacle. Others believe it was more of a dirty weekend.
A Surgical Strike
Kevin’s hospitals plan is a major operation to give the premiers a bypass and take out their GST.
Sick Leave
Obama brushed Kevin in February because of his healthcare plan and Kevin recently brushed Obama’s Nuclear Security Summit because of his hospitals plan. They seem to have a healthy disregard for one another.
Horseplay
Kevin said wild horses wouldn’t drag more hospital funding out of him but a Brumby did.
Out of Character
Obama claimed Kevin is a humble person just like him. He also claimed that Malcolm Turnbull has an inferiority complex.
The Big Bang Theory
Wouldn’t it be great to catch Kevin, Wayne, Julia, Anna Bligh and Kristina together all wearing hard hats? Then you could bang all their heads together.
Women Who Live in Glasshouses
Business consultants believe that the home insulation scheme will make it more difficult for women to break through glass ceilings.
Tags: Anna Bligh, Barack Obama, Bushfire Inquiry, Christine Nixon, F3 motorway, GST, GST revenue, healthcare plan, home insulation scheme, hospital plan, hospitals, Julia Gillard, Kristina Keneally, Malcolm Turnbull, Nuclear Security Summit, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 10 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
24th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
The Obama Fan Club wanted me to tell you how thrilled we all are about your successes in healthcare and nuclear disarmament. We passed a resolution at Tuesday’s meeting congratulating you on meeting our expectations. We’ll send you a copy of the minutes for framing.
A motion by some misguided loon that we should change our name to the Rudd Fan Club was defeated 23-1. We love Kevin but he’s not in your class.
It was the unanimous view of Club members that the World Affairs Think Tank should address the asylum seeker crisis in Australia because its such a worry. I knew you’d be interested and I’ll send our conclusions to Kevin who doesn’t seem to be any better after spending so much time in hospitals.
As the Think Tank chairperson I warned members against using racist remarks or making racist accusations during the session. That was my job.
Madge got us going with a particularly incisive address. She said it was an absolute disgrace that people smugglers were making so much money out of asylum seekers. If we just sit back and let it happen one day they’ll have enough money to buy a cruise ship big enough to ferry thousands at a time from Indonesia to Christmas Island. Or perhaps they’ll just lease the Oceanic Viking.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckoned Australia should tax the people smugglers to pay for Christmas Island.
Mavis asserted that Kevin was right to hold Sri Lankan and Afghan asylum seekers in detention pending a decision to send them home where all is peace and serenity. Her brother reckons there’s no Tea Parties in Sri Lanka and her nephew is in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban and hasn’t been shot or anything.
Eunice believed that asylum seekers suffer from the delusion that Australia is a sort of paradise or a Kevin07 heaven.
Mildred said she couldn’t cope with the current level of multiculturalism let alone making it more complicated. She’s still trying to understand Aboriginal reconciliation and always gets wind from Chinese food.
Marj thought the asylum seeker detention centres are ghastly places just like the motel her uncle runs in Albury.
Elsie said we should stop all immigration immediately. They bring in more carbon footprints, need extra hospital beds which Kevin can’t afford and goodness knows how many extra COLAs their kids will need at a million bucks a throw.
Neville said he was disappointed that Kevin’s new policy had failed to attract boatloads of hot sheilas to seek asylum here.
I summed up by saying that first we need to tackle the people smugglers issue. We should only accept asylum seekers brought in by Aussie people smugglers because we could trust them.
Then we should concentrate on giving priority to asylum seekers who are good looking, potential Eels supporters and Labor voters. They’d have no problems integrating round here.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Aborigines, Afghan, Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, COLA, detention centres, hospital plan, hospitals, hot sheilas, Indonesia, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Obama Fan Club, Oceanic Viking, people smugglers, President of USA, Taliban, US President, World Affairs Think Tank
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
A Suitable Case for Treatment
Following Obama’s visit to Afghanistan there’s no word yet on whether the Taliban have agreed to adopt his healthcare plan.
Not Holy Satisfactory
It is fascinating that Tony, who is at least the equal of Kevin in god-bothering, is never photographed outside a catholic church. Perhaps its just that no-one is willing to be photographed outside a catholic church these days except the police.
Drought Relief
Obama walks on water, Tony swims in it and Kevin passes it.
Very New Testament
On Q&A this week Tony expressed the view that we should treat asylum seekers as Jesus would have done but perhaps without the emphasis on going forth and multiplying.
See You Later Navigator
It is reported that the first communication from the crew of the Chinese ship which crashed into the Barrier Reef was ‘Is this Christmas Island?’
Frequent Cyclist
Tony Abbott’s objective on the 9 day Pollie Pedal between Melbourne and Sydney is to try and beat Jetstar’s slowest ever time for the trip.
Not Out of the Woods Yet
The Pope reportedly has no plans to consult Tiger Woods about sex addiction treatment for priests.
Going Round in Ever Increasing Circles
The true meaning of Building the Education Revolution is making the schools stimulus money go round to more people.
Tags: Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Barrier Reef, Catholic Church, Chinese ship, Christmas Island, drought, education revolution, healthcare, healthcare plan, Jesus, Jetstar, Kevin Rudd, New Testament, sex addiction, Taliban, The Pope, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
1st April 2010
Dear Mr President,
Last week when I was in Canberra I popped into the US Embassy and introduced myself to Jeff Bleich your ambassador. Such a lovely man.
Would you believe he invited Neville and me to have afternoon tea with you and Michelle during your visit in June. I’m so thrilled I think I’ll burst. Jeff asked me to talk to you about the world’s first Obama Fan Club because he thinks its an absolutely brilliant concept.
I just can’t make my mind up about all the asylum seekers who are sailing across here from Indonesia. You have to be sorry for them but I can’t help feeling that one day we’ll be overrun. All it will take is the population of Afghanistan to decide they’ve had enough of the joint and hire a few cruise ships to take them to Australia. Can you imagine Kevin trying to pick the Taliban out of that lot?
I understand why the Afghans would want to live in a country run by Kevin rather than that Karzai chap but they don’t know a thing about rugby league or cricket. And I hope someone at Christmas Island warns them about Wilson Tuckey, the Eels’ disappointing start to the season, Alan Jones, Tony’s beachwear, Barnaby Joyce and the home insulation scheme.
People smuggling is such a profitable business that Neville’s thinking of getting into it. He’s got a genius plan. He’s going to buy old Sydney ferries when Kristina flogs them off. Then he’ll fill them up with asylum seekers in Indonesia, charge ten thousand bucks a head, sail into Sydney Harbour and unload them at Circular Quay. No-one will take a blind bit of notice because they’ll think it’s the Manly Ferry.
The World Affairs Think Tank sprang back into action this week by coming up with advice for you on how to handle the Chinese. I know how difficult it can be..
First you’ve got to understand who you’re talking to because what with Stern Hu and President Hu sometimes its difficult to know who’s Hu.
Then you could play pingpong or mah-jong in Hong Kong or Haiphong or dingdong over Falun Gong or Mao Zedong right or wrong or who flung dong at Penny Wong or some nong in a thong going for a song on a chaise longue in Guangdong.
Sorry, we couldn’t think of anything serious and we just got carried away.
Whatever you do don’t get Kevin to speak to the Chinese on your behalf. Ever since he started talking to them in Chinese they’ve gone right off him. He must speak Uighur with a Tibetan accent.
Oh by the way if you’ve panicked at the thought of having tea with me at the Embassy – APRIL FOOL. Ha ha, caught you that time.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Alan Jones, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Christmas Island, Eels, Guangdong, home insulation scheme, Hong Kong, Jeff Bleich, Karzai, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, mah-jong, Manly Ferry, Mao Zedong, Michele Obama, Penny Wong, people smugglers, people smuggling, President Hu, President Obama, President of USA, Stern Hu, Taliban, Tibet, Tony Abbott, Wilson Tuckey
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
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