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Election Voting Guide for the Confused Unhinged and Absolutely Barking - Thursday, August 19th, 2010

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dick-head_smlCanberra Report by Dick Head

Election Voting Guide for the Confused, Unhinged and Absolutely Barking


In his concluding advice to voters during this federal election campaign Dick Head details the definitive Election Sanity Voting Guide.

This has been clinically created for voters who have suffered some degree of mental disorientation during the campaign.

Voters who have contracted more serious mental disorders are advised to use this guide under strict supervision. Should barking symptoms persist consult your medical health professional.

Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard

Source: News.com.au, Composite image by Eric Auld

Reasons to vote for Julia as PM. She’s…

Not Mark Latham
Not a God-botherer
Not Barry Hall
Not responsible for the BER stuff-ups (blame the NSW Government)
No longer a member of the Socialist Forum (communists)
Not Kevin
Not hairy-chested (subject to a doctor’s report)
Not responsible for the insulation debacle (that was Kevin and Peter Garrett)
Not responsible for the debt and deficit (blame Wayne)
Not living at The Lodge
No longer a leftie
Not responsible for the hordes of asylum seekers (Kevin again)
Never been really keen on Kevin or Mark Latham
Not responsible for the citizens assembly (its such a loony idea no-one will admit responsibility)
Not married
Not distracted by children
Not responsible for the ETS debacle (Penny and Kevin yet again)
Not a militant unionist
Not responsible for the NSW and Qld State Governments
Not the power-brokers’ puppet
Not a vacuous Women’s Weekly model
Not her real self
Not responsible for not delivering the promised super clinics (guess who?)
So devoted to Education she couldn’t possibly be responsible for not putting the promised computers into schools (yes its him again)
Not responsible for the super profits tax debacle (ditto)
Not responsible for borrowing $100million a day (that’s obviously Wayne)
Not really a treacherous back-stabbing black widow
Not responsible for the looming NBN disaster (it’s impossible to control Stephen Conroy)

Reasons to vote for Tony as PM. He’s…

Not Mark Latham
Not stuffing the mining industry
Not a single Godless-botherer
Not reintroducing work choices
Not a hairy-chested budgie smuggling larrikin beach bum (well he’s not a larrikin)
Not a raving greenie
Not the love-child of John Howard and Bronnie (still to be confirmed by DNA testing)
Not borrowing $100 million a day
Never been other than a great mate of Malcolm’s
Not responsible for the hordes of asylum seekers
Not responsible for Barnaby Joyce (he’s a member of the Nationals)
Never knifed a prime minister
Not Malcolm
Never does the backstroke, backpedals or takes a backward step
Not brain damaged during his boxing career (not medically confirmed)
Not really all that keen on Julia
Never been responsible for government waste or mismanagement
Never ripped $1 billion out of hospitals (because he never put $1 billion in them in the first place)
Never joined a union
Never thought virginity was his most valuable asset
Never thought seriously about working for the Pope
Never voted for Julie Bishop as his deputy
Never really meant it when he said climate change is crap
Never denied the right women to choose him as prime minister
Not a Bill Gates clone
Not as bad on the economy as Peter Costello claims

After the election Dick Head is booked into the Friday Mash Clinic for the electorally brain-damaged

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Missing the Fan - Thursday, June 24th, 2010

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Bid for the Premiership
Since someone paid sixteen thousand dollars at auction for a session in the surf with Tony Abbott just think what a session in the surf with Kristina would fetch.

Blow-ins
Vuvuzelas should be provided in the visitors gallery at federal parliament. They would enable a singularly appropriate comment on the quality of the proceedings there.

Take it as Red
Their World Cup send-offs gave Tim Cahill and Harry Kewell the ideal experience to become Labor Party candidates at the next NSW State election.

A Disappointing Climax
Italy must be assessing their draw against NZ in the World Cup as the equivalent of Berlusconi failing to score at an orgy.

Missing the Fan
This week Kevin launched a book called Shitstorm. The impact was well below the other shitstorms he’s launched this year.

A Cloud Over Julia
During an episode of Australian Story Julia Gillard’s mother revealed that she had a volcanic temper. In view of the fact that her summit is suddenly glowing a deeper shade of red there could be an imminent danger of airport closures across Australia.

Ken’s Not Revisited
Congratulations to the NSW Government. They’ve managed to get through another week without losing a minister, merely a candidate at a by-election.

Out of Position
In retrospect it is interesting to speculate about Julia’s claim that there was more chance before the next election of her becoming full forward for the Western Bulldogs than prime minister. Barry Hall obviously upset her plans by performing better at full forward than Kevin did as prime minister.

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Elections Can Be Harmful to Your Health - Friday, June 4th, 2010

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dick-head_smlCanberra Report by Dick Head

Elections Can Be Harmful to Your Health

There are already signs of mental stress right across the Australian community as the realisation takes hold that no matter how you vote at the upcoming federal election it will result in either Kevin Rudd or Tony Abbott becoming prime minister.

And as if that awful reality is not enough it will be preceded by an excruciatingly mind-numbing election campaign lasting six weeks.

Mental health experts are extremely concerned about the potential of this sudden barrage of political bullshit and badinage to cause people to go absolutely barking.

In order to lessen the impact they recommend a pre-conditioning treatment which consists of listening to recordings of Kevin and Barnaby Joyce trying to explain the super profits tax. Anyone surviving just one week of this treatment is guaranteed immunity from election insanity.

Further they recommend that the public should look on the bright side and take heart from the fact this election holds no prospect of Malcolm Turnbull, Wayne Swan, Bob Brown, Julie Bishop, Penny Wong or Peter Garrett becoming prime minister.

Julia’s prospects depend on the relative job performance of Kevin as prime minister and Barry Hall as full forward for the Western Bulldogs. As Barry is clearly outperforming Kevin at the moment she seems much more likely to get the PM gig than spearhead the Dogs.

The electorate should be mindful of the dangers of using election promises as the basis for their vote. They have as much validity as a Pom opener promising to make a century before he goes out to bat in an Ashes Test.

Kevin’s track record of delivering on election promises is conservatively appalling. He may be too embarrassed to make any at the next election. Nevertheless voters should be aware of his propensity for promises like Christmas Island land rights for asylum seekers and green jobs for miners made redundant by the super profits tax.

A promise by Tony to get rid of Kevin however could be his most powerful electoral asset.

The likelihood that he will promise to use pedal power on a new budget cycle when he’s in the saddle could cause voters merely to view him as a saddle-sore pain in the arse.

Undoubtedly one of the key objectives of the next election will be to prevent a group of strange green senators from Tasmania causing legislative pollution in the federal parliament.

It’s a scandal that there is no provision in Kevin’s hospitals plan for special centres to treat mental illness caused by election campaigns. Reading this column is still the only accredited treatment.

Have you seen a Kristina?
Political commentators believe that the only chance the NSW Labor Government has of winning the Penrith by-election is a daily striptease by Kristina in the town centre.

So far voters are shattered that Kristina is going nowhere near the place and they’re getting a daily dose of Barry O’Farrell instead, thankfully with his clothes on.

In a wonderful humanitarian gesture the Liberal Party is preparing to offer free psychiatric treatment to anyone intending to vote Labor.

Dick Head is almost fully recovered from the last federal election.

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Coming Full Circle - Thursday, May 20th, 2010

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In the Nick of Time
For major political parties seeking to form a government these days it seems to be either a case of Nick Clegg, Nick McKim or Nick Off.

Coming Full Circle
Jessica Watson spent seven months ending up back where she started. Unfortunately it seems to be taking Kevin a lot longer.

Economic Minefield
Financial commentators believe that Wayne’s budget will have roughly the same effect on the mining industry as the global financial crisis.

Ain’t That The Truth
If Tony Abbott says he’s going to re-introduce WorkChoices the Labor Party and the unions will believe him. If he says he’s not going to re-introduce WorkChoices they won’t believe him. So it really doesn’t matter whether he tells the truth or not.

Mining Your Own Business
Iron ore miners are very concerned that Kevin has gone into the steal business.

Barry Hall for Prime Minister
Julia Gillard claims she’s got more chance of becoming a full forward at the Western Bulldogs than prime minister. That’s what they used to say about Kevin and he was hopeless at sport as well.

Shouldn’t be Sniffed at
Personal hygiene experts have warned it will take more than a deodorant to solve Kevin’s pits problem.

The Gold Crush
If the mining industry is the goose that lays the golden egg will Wayne be the Swan that cracks it?

Own Goal
The game of Hockey was a loss for the Opposition because they hadn’t budgeted for it.

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