After Obama had moved into the White House and George and I had retired to stud – fat chance – in Crawford Texas, I found myself with the Bushes at one of those huge social gatherings for Washington wankers.
I love them. It affords the chance to sniff out the rich and famous, pick up all the juicy goss and munch on all the tasty morsels that people throw away when no-one’s looking.
George and Laura were talking to some crashing bores so I wandered off and spotted the Obamas. Normally I wouldn’t take too much notice because I’m not that partial to democrats but I noticed they had their dog with them.
Portuguese water dogs are not usually the brightest bonzos in the kennel and well below Scottish Terriers in the pedigree pecking order but this one looked quite sharp.
I sauntered casually over for a sniff and a yap but as I approached he said ‘Hi, you’re Barney aren’t you?’
I wasn’t shocked, more like totally, utterly, comprehensively and unforgettably gobsmacked. But I managed to recall his name.
‘Bo’ I said ‘I had no idea you could talk like me. Where on earth did you learn the lingo?’
‘I took a dogtorate in English and Politics at Hound-Dog High’ said Bo ‘By the way I heard you were a senior adviser to Bush’
‘How on earth do you know that?’ I asked
‘I found out from a mate who knew that bitch at the Clintons’ said Bo
‘He didn’t score with her did he?’ I asked anxiously
‘Only once’ said Bo ‘but he told me it was the consummate canine copulation’
‘Damn’ I said ‘I missed out again. My sex life happens about as frequently as the Chicago Cubs play in a World Series’
‘Look’ said Bo ‘I’d love to get a gig as adviser to Obama. How should I go about it?’
‘Have you got access to a computer and a dog and bone?’ I asked
‘No problem’ said Bo
‘Well then’ I said ‘I can put you on a presidential adviser crash training programme and then you can front Obama and tell him if you don’t get appointed you’ll accuse Rahm Emanuel of animal cruelty’
‘That’s brilliant’ said Bo ‘he’s already tried to kick me twice’
‘Does Obama know you can talk?’ I asked
‘No’ said Bo
‘Good’ I said ‘keep it that way for now. There’s always the danger you could end up advertising dog food or doing a TV commentary on dog shows. One other thing. I used to write a series of Shaggy Dog Stories for Friday Mash describing the momentous events in my life with George. Why don’t you take it over?’
‘Friday Mash!’ said Bo ‘that would be great. One thing though, I’m not really a democrat’
‘Keep this to yourself’ I said ‘but neither is Obama’
‘Pretty good’ said Huey ‘I think she’ll still be pleased to see him’
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