Posts Tagged ‘Bill Clinton’

State of the Union preparation - Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Story No: 22

‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’

If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.

‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’

‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’

‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’

‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’

‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.

‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’

‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.

‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’

‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?

‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’

‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George

‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’

‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’

High-powered international diplomacy - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Story No: 21

George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.

‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’

George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.

Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s

‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’

I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’

‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’

‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’

The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.

‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’

‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.

‘Is that all?’ asked George

‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’

‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George

‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’

‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’

‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’

‘There can’t be more’ said George

‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’

Sexual Education from Tony Abbott - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

12th February 2010

Mr President,

I’m terribly worried about you and Kevin.

How can the two most brilliant, charismatic and loved leaders of our time be taking a bath in the opinion polls? Doesn’t the public recognise messiahs when they see them?

I know its all about democracy and everyone being entitled to their own opinion but how on earth could anyone rank Sarah Palin and Tony Abbott in the same league as you two?

Admittedly that Palin woman has got a bit of get up and go about her, is a dab hand at moose shooting and I’m sure Neville secretly fancies her but she does tend to shriek a bit and if she was invited to a tea party round here no-one else would turn up. Imagine her having the audacity to believe she’s in the same league as Hillary and all the other women Bill knows.

And as for Tony Abbott he’s just a rugby rah-rahing boxing, cycling, bush firefighting, womanising, ironmaning, lifesaving, Rhodes Scholaring, budgie smuggling larrikin who thinks that Kevin is nothing but a toxically boring, preening and prissying little two-faced nerd. There’s just no comparison. Neville can’t stand Tony because he didn’t play rugby league.

Kevin appeals to women much more than Tony. That’s because Tony’s dated most of them and they know what he’s like. He spent most of his younger years persuading them to give up their virginity and, mark my words, his big promise at the next election will be to give them all back.

This week the club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled an education issue of profound worldwide relevance; ‘Should we teach sex in schools? We selected it specially to give you some guidance on future policy development in this vital area.

Marge made an unusually incisive contribution. She said it all depended on how you interpreted the question. She is all in favour of teaching sex in schools but not having sex in schools. Apparently it put her off for years.

Our Mavis’ Bert was adamant that teachers should be taught sex in schools because the students already know more than they do.

Gert wanted to know if there would be any homework and would it involve any practical assignments.

Cyril saw great opportunities to establish joint projects between boys and girls schools using a sophisticated ‘you can look at mine if I can look at yours’ teaching method.
Mildred was very much in favour of teaching drugs and rock and roll as well as sex. Further she pointed out that if girls were taught lap and pole dancing as well it would help them build on their sex education by opening up career opportunities.

Mervyn saw a problem in catholic schools where priests have traditionally taught the wrong sort of sex. He stressed that priests have got a strong track record on teaching the theory of marriage before sex but of course the practice is a virtual impossibility for them.

I summed it all up by saying that schools should have a place for teaching sex but it was still likely to be behind the toilet block or on the back seat of the headmaster’s car.

You will let me know if there’s anything special you would like Think Tank to tackle wont you?

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

George Bush and the Hall of Mediocrity - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Story No: 18

‘I’ve been thinking about my place in history’ said George

‘Look George’ I said ‘I wouldn’t worry about it just yet. You’ve only been president for three years and with a bit of luck and a dumbassed Democrat candidate like John Kerry you might last another five’

To tell the truth I like George and didn’t want to break it to him that his only chance of avoiding the Hall of Mediocrity was to follow my advice more closely.

‘Come on Barney, humour me’ said George ‘for example do you rate me a better president than my father?’

‘Difficult question’ I said ‘you’ve both stuffed up Iraq but ultimately he loses out because he was responsible for you’

‘When you think of a president responsible for lifting the US to a place it has never been before who would that be?’ asked George

‘Kennedy’ I responded ‘he drove us to the moon’

‘What about a president who has impacted the world through initiatives he took in the Oval Office?’ asked George

‘Clinton’ I said ‘but he needed help from Monica’

‘In some ways’ said George ‘I compare myself with Nixon. He reached out to countries like China and Alaska and he loved his little dog’

‘There’s a big difference George’ I said ‘Nixon was almost impeached, Clinton was impeached but you are simply impaired. And you have a much better taste in dogs’

‘People tell me I could turn out like Abraham Lincoln’ said George

‘That’s probably because he got shot’ I observed

‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered for great quotes like ‘Families is where the nation finds hope, where wings take dream’ said George

‘Perhaps you should try something like ‘ask not what Barney can do for you but rather what you can do for Barney’ I suggested

‘Hey that’s pretty good’ said George ‘it sounds like Ronald Reagan. He was a similar sort of president to me’

‘Sure’ is said ‘but again there is a difference. He spent part of his life in ‘B’ movies but you’ve been in one all your life’

‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered as a great wartime president’ said George

‘I think Franklin D Roosevelt’s got that slot’ I said

‘What about a great anti-terrorist president?’ asked George

‘I don’t think Osama bin Laden would support that’ I said

‘How about Father of the Nation’ persisted George

‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s a bit late for that. The Founding Fathers beat you to it by two hundred years or so’.

‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you really think?’

‘Well’ I said ‘you haven’t had any great success stories like solving the Middle East dilemma or tearing down a wall but on the other hand you haven’t been involved in any scandals sex or otherwise and you’ve got a lovely family’

‘You mean you think I’ll be remembered as the ordinary president?’ asked George

‘Yes’ I said ‘very ordinary’

In Hillary Clinton’s Office - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to a wall in the Washington DC office of the US Secretary of State and sent us this exclusive report on the vital strategic discussion she had with her husband.

‘You’d have made a much better president than Obama’ said Bill

‘I know’ said Hillary ‘the only thing that stopped me was the laughable prospect of you becoming the First Gentleman’

‘Behind the great female president’ said Bill ‘would have been a former great male president with his hand up her back’

‘Most women seem to have experienced your hand up somewhere’ responded Hillary

‘Ten years ago’ said Bill ‘Obama would have been lucky to get a job serving us coffee’

‘Ten years ago’ said Hillary ‘you were damned lucky everyone didn’t leave you to get your own coffee’

‘Oh come on honey’ said Bill ‘I spent months out there on the campaign trail pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to get you the top gig’

‘Didn’t all those women find it confusing that you got them in sack just to campaign for your wife?’

‘When it comes to elections’ said Bill ‘the end justifies the means’

‘Not when it’s your end it doesn’t’ said Hillary ‘I probably lost the election because you couldn’t keep it up’

‘When Al Gore and Ted Kennedy deserted you who was it who stuck by you even putting my own reputation on the line?’

‘Some reputation’ said Hillary ‘it’s a sort of role model for Tiger Woods. Who pulled you through when you were impeached? Not Madeleine Albright or Al Gore but good old me. Even Monica deserted you and despite all that time you spent working on her I’ll bet she didn’t vote for me’

‘Honey’ said Bill ‘you’ve got to understand I have a certain charisma that appeals to women and it enabled me to play an effective presidential part in your campaign’

‘Oh I’ve no doubt your presidential part played effectively in all sorts of places’ said Hillary

‘Now let’s get serious about 2012’ said Bill ‘we’ve got to start planning your next presidential campaign immediately’

‘Forget it’ said Hillary ‘you’ve spent too long in the doghouse ever to get back in the White House. My best chance of becoming president is a divorce’

‘You’ve got to admit’ said Bill ‘that I was a better president than George W Bush. And sexier too. Give me a year or two to work my charms and every woman in the US will be ready to vote for you’

‘Why do I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m the one who would get screwed?’ said Hillary ‘Look I can’t sit around chatting to you, I’ve got to phone Kevin Rudd about World Kangaroo Day. Are you in for dinner tonight?’

‘Sure honey’ said Bill ‘how about a romantic evening for two?’

‘Darling’ said Hillary ‘I thought you’d never ask’

Hillary cancels and everyone loves Willy - Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

22nd January 2010

Dear Mr President,

We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.

We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.

What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.

You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?

I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.

Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.

Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.

Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.

Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.

Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.

Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.

Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.

I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.

I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo
President

Hillary coming down under, Bill in bush and Prince touring - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

15th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are. We’ve just heard that Hillary is coming to Australia next week and would you believe Prince William is coming at the same time. It’s a good job she’s not a republican.

We obviously couldn’t invite both of them to address the Obama Fan Club during the same week, so we held an emergency meeting of the management committee and chose Hillary because she’s such a wonderful woman and so close to you.

I hope you don’t mind but we’ve sent her a direct message inviting her to our meeting on the nineteenth. She gets booked up so early and I dare say your ambassador Jeff Bleach has already booked her in for a nosh or two with Kevin.

We also told her to bring Bill along too if he’s coming with her. You may recall I told you that Mildred met Bill when she was a pole dancer in Vegas. If we can find a pole I’m sure he’d recognise her.

The Japanese are furious with Julia over whales. She’s doing the PM’s job while Kevin is away writing children’s books.

When it comes to whales there’s a huge cultural difference between the Aussies and the Japs. They believe they should be harpooned and eaten while we see them as cuddly creatures who deserve a better fate than being served as sashimi.

Julia’s thrown one of her headmistress wobblers telling the Japs to stop sinking the protesters’ boats which are trying to sink their whaling ships and suggesting more controversial places to stick their harpoons.

Meanwhile the Japs have told her in no uncertain terms to keep her nose out of it and you can understand why. It’s very large and pointed and would be a very effective substitute for a harpoon.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think-tank debated whether the Copenhagen Conference had been any use at all.

Hilda said it was inspiring that delegates could still get their knickers in a knot about global warming when they were suffering from frostbite.

Gladys who’s never said anything before made a very critical contribution. She reckoned the Conference would have been a huge success if the other forty thousand delegates had just turned up for the last day like you. It was the previous ten days that caused all the problems.

Neville thought the conference in Mexico might go better because the climate will allow the delegates to demonstrate solar power and not just their wind power.

Mildred made a very astute observation. She reckoned there were too many people there. China and the US got distracted. All you need is a conference where those two agree to a reasonable reduction in emissions and the rest of us can carry on as usual.

I summed up the meeting by blaming Tony Abbott for the mess in Copenhagen. It was his fault the rest of the world didn’t get the chance to adopt Kevin and Penny’s ETS. Though perhaps they were not so inclined to be Penny foolish as pound wise.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

FIRM RESOLUTION IN 2010 - Thursday, December 31st, 2009

It’s such a busy time of year and not surprising that so many forget about New Year’s Resolutions. Here’s a few gentle reminders to those sorely in need.

Hostesses and
cocktail waitresses - ban dates with Tiger

Obama - change into something we can really believe in

President Hu - develop an image as Old King Coal

Tony Abbott - take the painful step up to ferret smugglers

Malcolm Turnbull - reduce greenhouse gas emissions by becoming less of an old fart

Gordon Brown - take constipation tablets regularly

Berlusconi - stay out of crowds unless they’re young girls

Penny Wong - tattoo ‘ETS’ on her backside so she can sit on it for a while

Father Christmas - abandon plans to extend his franchise into Afghanistan

Julie Bishop - pick up a few tips from Deputy Dawg

Bill Clinton - don’t become jealous of Tiger

Robert Mugabe - spend Zimbabwe’s climate change grant from the UN on a luxury ski lodge in St Moritz

Julia Gillard - stop talking like an education revolution headmistress

Joe Tripodi - reduce carbon emissions by becoming a solar power broker

Al Gore - stop emiting anything. We’ve got the message

The Mayor of Copenhagen - clean up after the cyclones, earthquakes and bushfires caused by the Climate Change Conference

Sarah Palin - make an unpresidented impact

Joe Hockey - reduce waist in the Liberal Party

Kevin - achieve a further reduction in greenhouse emissions by extending the ETS to cover baked beans and artichokes

Tiger - become President of US Adulterers Anonymous and recruit Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer and Mark Sanford as foundation members

Wayne Swan - needs to take at least a couple of stimulus packages a day

Sex, Copenhagen, Obama, NSW State Government - Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

carbon_emissions_masthead

In retrospect the Copenhagen Conference seems like Woodstock without the music.
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It seems unfair that despite the compelling claims of her predecessors the special qualifications of Kristina Keneally will result in her becoming the first NSW Premier to be acclaimed the mother of all disasters.
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Prince Charles warned at Copenhagen that Australia could be facing a major calamity. Hopefully the Queen will live for many more years.
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In the past rugby league players who got hammered and assaulted women were simply regarded as hooligans. Management consultants however now believe it is a vital part of the experience needed for them to become NSW Government Ministers.
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It is interesting to speculate how many delegates at the Climate Change Conference availed themselves of the free services offered by Copenhagen hookers and how many took action to reduce the effects of extra-marital climate changes.
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Did anyone seriously believe that delegates from one hundred and ninety nations including Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez, Al Gore, Prince Charles and Kevin and thousands of left-wing loony rioters were going to agree on anything? If only Barnaby Joyce had been there things could have been a whole lot different.
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Inside US sources confirm that Bill Clinton is still claiming he was unjustly impeached. He’s apparently adamant that when he said ‘ I did not have sex with that woman’ he was talking about Hillary not Monica.
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All the signs are that neither Kevin nor Obama saved the world in Copenhagen. Perhaps someone better qualified will turn up on Christmas Day.

Letter to Father Christmas - Friday, December 18th, 2009

Letter to Father Christmas

Dear Santa,

‘Tis the season when people of goodwill at Friday Mash think not of themselves but only of others.

We would really appreciate the delivery of our Christmas gift list set out below in your usual timely festive fashion.

Kevin Rudd - a pair of budgie smugglers to prove he’s got nothing to hide.
Malcolm Turnbull - a CD of Kevin singing ‘Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen’
Tony Abbott - a DNA test to prove he’s not the lovechild of John Howard and Bronwyn Bishop
Barack Obama - the Nobel Olympic Prize for failing to bring the Games to Chicago
Penny Wong - a climate change; a long stay in Siberia perhaps
Sarah Palin - melting moments at the North Pole with Al Gore
Hillary Clinton - an ‘I should have been President’ bumper sticker
Kristina Keneally - the magic formula which turned Pinocchio from a puppet into a person
Peter Garrett - a part in Coneheads II
Bill Clinton - Tiger’s mobile with all the phone numbers
General McChrystal -  a McBall so he can forsee what’s about to happen in Afghanistan
Joe Hockey - a Father Christmas outfit because he’s your natural successor
Julia Gillard - a life size Tony Abbott doll so she no longer has to flirt with him in person
Wayne Swan - a Navman so he can find his way out of the woods
George W Bush - WMDs found in Iraq
Gordon Brown - something to wear under his kilt because he’s been left dangling recently
Berlusconi - bandaids
John Howard - a dancing frog wearing a Bob Hawke face mask. On second thoughts the mask wont be necessary
Barry O’Farrell - a gift similar to that bestowed on so many hostesses and cocktail waitresses; a bit of Tiger in him
The People of NSW - an early election

The delivery of these gifts will make many people very happy. Making people happy is one of your gifts which politicians seem incapable of accepting.

Merry Christmas

From Friday Mash