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High-powered international diplomacy - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Story No: 21

George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.

‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’

George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.

Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s

‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’

I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’

‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’

‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’

The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.

‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’

‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.

‘Is that all?’ asked George

‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’

‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George

‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’

‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’

‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’

‘There can’t be more’ said George

‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’

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GWB plans 04 election strategy - Friday, February 26th, 2010

Story No. 20

‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’

There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.

‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’

Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.

He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.

‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’

‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’

Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’

‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’

‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’

‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’

‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’

‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’

‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’

‘You don’t mean…’ began George

‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’

‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’

‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked

‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’

‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked

‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’

‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked

‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George

‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’

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George has performance issues - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Story No. 19

George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.

‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’

‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’

‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’

‘Wonderful man’ said George

‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’

‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’

‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’

‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’

A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.

‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’

‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said

‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’

‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’

‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’

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George Bush and the Hall of Mediocrity - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Story No: 18

‘I’ve been thinking about my place in history’ said George

‘Look George’ I said ‘I wouldn’t worry about it just yet. You’ve only been president for three years and with a bit of luck and a dumbassed Democrat candidate like John Kerry you might last another five’

To tell the truth I like George and didn’t want to break it to him that his only chance of avoiding the Hall of Mediocrity was to follow my advice more closely.

‘Come on Barney, humour me’ said George ‘for example do you rate me a better president than my father?’

‘Difficult question’ I said ‘you’ve both stuffed up Iraq but ultimately he loses out because he was responsible for you’

‘When you think of a president responsible for lifting the US to a place it has never been before who would that be?’ asked George

‘Kennedy’ I responded ‘he drove us to the moon’

‘What about a president who has impacted the world through initiatives he took in the Oval Office?’ asked George

‘Clinton’ I said ‘but he needed help from Monica’

‘In some ways’ said George ‘I compare myself with Nixon. He reached out to countries like China and Alaska and he loved his little dog’

‘There’s a big difference George’ I said ‘Nixon was almost impeached, Clinton was impeached but you are simply impaired. And you have a much better taste in dogs’

‘People tell me I could turn out like Abraham Lincoln’ said George

‘That’s probably because he got shot’ I observed

‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered for great quotes like ‘Families is where the nation finds hope, where wings take dream’ said George

‘Perhaps you should try something like ‘ask not what Barney can do for you but rather what you can do for Barney’ I suggested

‘Hey that’s pretty good’ said George ‘it sounds like Ronald Reagan. He was a similar sort of president to me’

‘Sure’ is said ‘but again there is a difference. He spent part of his life in ‘B’ movies but you’ve been in one all your life’

‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered as a great wartime president’ said George

‘I think Franklin D Roosevelt’s got that slot’ I said

‘What about a great anti-terrorist president?’ asked George

‘I don’t think Osama bin Laden would support that’ I said

‘How about Father of the Nation’ persisted George

‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s a bit late for that. The Founding Fathers beat you to it by two hundred years or so’.

‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you really think?’

‘Well’ I said ‘you haven’t had any great success stories like solving the Middle East dilemma or tearing down a wall but on the other hand you haven’t been involved in any scandals sex or otherwise and you’ve got a lovely family’

‘You mean you think I’ll be remembered as the ordinary president?’ asked George

‘Yes’ I said ‘very ordinary’

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Tony Blair Hits Top of Barney’s Shitlist - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Story No. 17

‘Now look, about this Iraq business’ said Tony Blair

He had dropped into George’s ranch at Crawford, Texas for a confidential word  about stuffing Saddam and George and I were accompanying him on a post lunch constitutional round a paddock.

It was a pleasant stroll although we were surrounded by enough security heavies to prevent Boris Yeltsin getting into a vodka festival.  George wanted me around to advise him on the really complex strategic issues and I looked forward to the visit because I knew he kept a couple of bitches down there with the qualities to bring joy even to a dog’s life.

‘Colin Powell is convinced that Saddam has WMDs’ said George ‘and that only confirms what Dick and Don have been saying for sometime’

I’d been telling George for just as long that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were far more dangerous WMDs than anything Saddam could possibly have.

‘What if we don’t find any WMDs?’ asked Tony

‘No chance’ said George ‘but don’t forget that Saddam told the UN to go and get whooped and he’s acting like a cross between Hitler, Frankenstein and Hillary Clinton’

‘We’ve got to tread carefully’ said Tony ‘Find the WMDs then change the regime by getting rid of Saddam, his army and his police force.  We don’t want to be landed with that whole Sunni Shia can of worms’

I quickly ran behind a hedge and shouted ‘What about Al Qaeda?’ I was under strict instructions from George not to open my mouth but my self-control failed me.

‘What on earth was that?’ asked Tony

‘It was one of the security guys’ said George ‘By the way one of my senior advisers reckons we should leave the army and the police force intact.  He believes if we disband them they’ll all join Al Qaeda and the country will descend into chaos’

I was flattered that George had remembered my advice so accurately.

‘Well he’s got that wrong’ said Tony ‘once we’ve sorted out Saddam and his crew the whole country will come to its senses.  That adviser of yours sounds like a real dog’

I’d never liked Tony Blair but now he hit rock bottom on the shitlist.  If I told George once I told him a hundred times never to go to war alongside a socialist.

‘You might just as well get some advice from Barney’ added Tony pissing himself with laughter

Fortunately my self-control reasserted itself and I was able to refrain from urinating down his trousers.

‘Tony do your people believe this war is legal?’ asked George

‘Half do, half don’t’ said Tony ‘you know what lawyers are like.  They tell you what they think will make them the most money’

‘Ok’ said George ‘I’ll send Saddam a note giving him the option of resigning and spending the next ten years in Antarctica growing glaciers with Al Gore or facing high noon at the OK Corral’

‘Right on George’ said Tony ‘we’ll bring peace and democracy to the people of Iraq and an era of hope and prosperity to the whole world’

‘What a load of absolute crap’ I shouted from behind the hedge.

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Curbing the Mexican immigration wave into US - Friday, January 29th, 2010

Story No. 16

‘George’ I said ‘you’ve got to secure the border with Mexico’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘we’ve been through all that stuff before and you’re barking up the wrong tree’

‘Very funny’ I said ‘but as you know George I’m not one to let sleeping dogs lie. You’ve heard of the Mexican Wave. Well if you leave that border open much longer, forget the football stadium, you’ll have one right round the country’

‘I don’t know what you’re worried about’ said George ‘We simply turn a blind eye to a few million Hispanic illegals because they’re a great source of cheap labour and Vincente Fox loves it because they send all their cash home’

‘George’ I said ‘you’re sworn to uphold the US Constitution but you’re running the country like a rundown baseball stadium. You have to pay to get in through the main entrances but you can get in free through a hole in the bleachers’

‘I think it’s very civilised’ said George ‘that Mexicans can stroll into our country and we can take a stroll into theirs when we feel like it. And it makes me feel good that we’re lending a helping hand to the Mexican economy’

‘That elevates you to the same status as the drug barons’ I said ‘and they love your open door border policy’

‘And just think of the huge savings in the Immigration Service’ said George ‘not having to process all those millions of people’

I sensed it was time to play my trump card.

‘Listen George’ I said ‘I hope you understand that all these Hispanics which are pouring in could one day become US citizens. And guess which party Hispanics vote for, the Democrats’

‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘this is a national emergency. We’ve got to take action immediately to stop this illegal immigration outrage. This is a clear and present danger and we’ve got to send the army down there immediately’

‘Wait a minute George’ I said ‘you haven’t got enough troops. The border with Mexico is nineteen hundred miles long. To guard it effectively you would have to bring back all the troops from Iraq and Afghanistan and ask the Taliban and Al Queda if you could borrow some of theirs into the bargain’

‘Perhaps we should invade Mexico’ said George

‘Bad idea George’ I said ‘not only would Vincente Fox stop coming to Camp David for tortilla weekends but that would achieve the impossible dream of uniting Fidel Castro, the UN and the Mexican drug barons in a coalition of the willing’

‘I know’ said George ‘I’ll let them in as long as they promise to vote Republican’

‘George’ I said ‘you’ve got to build a wall nineteen hundred miles long.. And get some Staffordshire Terriers to patrol it. The Scottish Terriers like me got the brains but they got the teeth’

‘That’s a helluva lot of wall’ said George

‘Well look at it this way’ I said ‘it could become a tourist attracton to rival the Great Wall of China’

‘So let’s get this straight’ said George ‘by building this wall I’d be keeping out drug runners and Democrat voters. But wouldn’t I also be keeping out all that cheap labour that we rely on to keep the economy strong?’

“Absolutely right George’ I said ‘you’d be creating the perfect Mexican Standoff’

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Bush has a new strategy in Iraq - Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Story No. 15

One day as I lay in my kennel enjoying a dog’s life my phone rang.

George arranged for it to be secretly installed. He made up some story about needing a place to take emergency calls when he was out on the White House lawn.

The real reason was that when he’s at heavy meetings which don’t admit dogs he sometimes needs a direct line to get my unique perspective on matters of highest national priority.

‘Hello George’ I said. I knew it was him because he was the only one who had my number since he’d refused to pass it on to that bitch at the Clintons.

‘Hi Barney’ said George ‘I hope this is a convenient time to call but I really need your advice on matters I’m discussing here with the Joint Chiefs of Staff’

George had my sympathy. Talking to those generals was like trying to hold a conversation with the Washington Monument.

‘They believe we should try a new strategy in Iraq’ continued George ‘stop fighting a conventional war and switch to terrorist operations. It’s interesting but I’m not sure about it. What do you think?’

‘It’s a really dumb idea George’ I said ‘as far as I know the US Army doesn’t have any terrorism experience. What are the chiefs planning to do, send them to an Al Qaeda training camp in Pakistan for a crash course? And why not offer Osama Bin Laden big bucks to act as a consultant?’

‘Wait a bit Barney’ said George ‘the idea may not be as dumb as it seems. They’ve already got a great strategy to develop suicide bombers’

‘I’m all in favour of that’ I said ‘provided that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are on the first plane to crash into the Al Qaeda HQ. By the way George I hope for both our sakes this is a secure line’

‘General Cassidy tells me he’s developed a whole new manual on terrorist techniques for the US Army’ said George

‘George you know as well as I do’ I said ‘that Clint Cassidy is barking mad and should be in this kennel instead of me. Al Qaeda wrote the book on terrorist tactics and their Little Leaguers could terrorise Clint’

‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you advise?’

‘It’s simple George’ I said ‘you need a surge. All you have to do is send over 40,000 more troops to Iraq and it would be all over red rover’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘if I did that Hillary, John Kerry and the whole Kennedy family would go ballistic’

‘Well not everyone in the Kennedy family’ I said ‘The Terminator would be sensational in Iraq’

‘OK’ said George resignedly ‘what do I tell these guys?’

‘First’ I said ‘tell Clint to get back in his kennel and stop trying to be West Point’s answer to Bin Laden. And tell them all that you feel a surge coming on and it’s got nothing to do with that sexy Angelina Jolie movie you saw last night’

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Bush searches for reasons behind his faultering global popularity - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Story No. 14

‘Barney, why do you think so many people don’t like me’ asked George

I instantly recognised that a complete response to that question would take at least a couple of hours. So I decided to be kind and considerate because after all I like George and more to the point he pays my licence fee.

‘Well George, let’s put it this way’ I said ‘half the people in the world don’t like you because you’re way over to the right, another 10% don’t like you because you appointed Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, 10% more don’t like you because you’ve started two wars, yet another 10% don’t like you because they’re women who are pro-choice, there’s at least 10% don’t like you because they think you did the dirty on Al over the election results, 5% think you’re a brainless rich kid who only became president through family connections and there’s 4.5% who live in the Middle East’

‘That only leaves .5%’ said George

‘You can’t expect people to like you if you’re a politician’ I said ‘if it was popularity you were after you should have become a pop star or a great lover’

‘I’m pretty popular in Texas’ said George

‘That’s because when you were the Governor’ I said ‘you were responsible for executing more bad guys than Wyatt Earp’

‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘I’m quite popular in Europe’

‘Well the French think you’re as pig-headed as the Brits’ I said ‘the Brits think you’re a sabre-rattling loony like the French and the Germans can’t understand how anyone could possibly start a war’

‘Tony Blair likes me’ said George

‘That’s why nobody likes Tony Blair’ I said

‘Well what about John Howard’ said George ‘he really likes me’

‘I know’ I said ‘and so did that other Aussie Steve Irwin. He had great respect for crocodiles and other primitive life forms’

‘And they even have a bush culture in Australia’ said George

‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but the only connection with you is that it covers a lot of wide open spaces’

‘I get on very well with Putin’ said George

‘Yes’ I said ‘but it was unfortunate you took his advice on how to fight a war in Afghanistan’

‘So Barney’ said George ‘how would you advise me to improve my image?’

‘That’s easy’ I said ‘form a coalition government with the Democrats, fire Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, stop both the wars, carry out a couple of abortions, make Al Gore your Secretary for the Environment and take out Palestinian citizenship. I’m afraid we’re stuck with the fact that you’re a brainless rich kid with family connections’

‘Or’ said George ‘I could become a President beloved the world over for his humanity, integrity and unswerving commitment to raise the human dignity of mankind’

‘Sorry George’ I said ‘Mother Theresa’s already done that gig’

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Going Green in the White House - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

‘I’m thinking of going green’ said George

I almost choked on my mouthful of organic dog food. George was having a mad moment and I sensed it would take all my animal cunning to avert a policy disaster which could bring the US economy to its knees.

‘I beg your pardon George’ I responded keeping my cool and hoping against hope that he was merely talking about becoming an alien.

‘Well you know’ said George ‘I thought I’d plant a few more trees in the White House garden, put a recycling bin in the Oval Office and install a half-flush in the en-suite’

I can’t tell you how relieved I felt. Mercifully George hadn’t become a greenie but was just into some feel-good stuff he’d picked up at a cocktail party

‘Oh that’s alright George’ I said ‘I was worried you were talking about replacing coal with solar power and wind power’

‘Good heavens Barney, you know me better than that’ said George ‘I leave all that stuff to Al Gore. Next thing you know he’ll be trying to power his car by farting into the petrol tank. By the way I heard him talking about the greenhouse effect recently. What the hell’s all that about?’

‘Well George’ I said ‘some climate scientists believe if we emit too much carbon into the atmosphere by burning fossil fuels like coal and oil the world will overheat’

‘Oh I understand’ said George ‘that’s the same sort of idea as the insulation we put in the roof last year. But you don’t believe all that stuff do you Barney?’

‘Well as your senior adviser’ I said ‘I have to carefully review all expert opinion and scientific data and maintain a rigorous ongoing analysis of all available…’

‘Alright alright’ said George ‘but you don’t’ believe all that dogshit do you?’

‘Well actually no George’ I admitted ‘but that’s not the point. We have to be aware of trends in voter attitudes and you have to be careful about your carbon footprint’

‘I know’ said George ‘I accidently trod in the coal bucket’

‘No, no’ I said ‘you have to be careful not to do things which significantly increase carbon emissions like fighting lots of wars, chopping down forests and allowing new vehicles which guzzle even more gas’

‘But wars and wood and gas guzzling are all good for business’ said George ‘Those greenies are as bad for business as a police raid in a brothel. Al Gore can’t seriously believe that cars will run on hydrogen and power stations can be driven by the sun. Besides Dick Cheney and I wouldn’t have any oil company directorships to keep us going in retirement’

‘Al believes that’s the only way we can save polar bears’ I said ‘and he has no doubt they’re a much more vital part of the eco-system than you and Dick.

‘The next thing’ said George ‘he’ll be campaigning again for President promising to run the country from a tree’

‘Well’ I said ‘he’d be in the ideal position to construct his new cabinet’

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Barney’s Christmas at the White House - Friday, December 18th, 2009

Story No: 12

I think it was in October 2003 that I was chatting to George in the Oval Office about vital matters of state when his social secretary asked if she could see him.

I have to admit to being slightly irritated by the intrusion. George and I were deeply into the economy and healthcare and here was this pushy woman bursting into the joint to talk about a cocktail party.

‘Mr President’ said the ballbuster ‘I need your advice about plans for the White House Christmas Party’

This was different. I had a vital interest in the White House Christmas Party because the leftovers were a doggy bag treat that lasted weeks.

‘The key recommendations’ she continued ‘from the White House Christmas Party planning committee are that the theme should be ‘I’m dreaming of a White House Christmas’, the menu should comprise Virginia Ham, Goobledegook Turkey with stuffing and ………………………….’

‘That’s the stuff’ I thought and I was even beginning to warm to the woman when things started to go off the rails.

‘That all sounds terrific Molly’ said George ‘great job. But this year I have something different in mind. I am thinking of taking a White House delegation out into the streets of major cities to hand out gifts and cash to ordinary Americans. What’s more, I could give inspiring speeches about my government having the Christmas spirit all year round’

My spirits, both Christmas and non-Christmas sank. Not only could I say goodbye to all those lovely Christmas leftovers, but here was a security disaster waiting to happen with George planning to tour the country as a sort of two-bit Father Christmas. The media would have a field day. It would be like me handing out sardines at a Cat Show.

‘Wonderful idea Mr President’ cooed ballbuster Molly

I had to put a stop to this nonsense before it got out of hand. With a tremendous effort of self-will I managed to keep my mouth shut but decided the situation called for drastic action. So I wondered over to Molly and pissed on her shoe. I thought about pooing but decided that this was after all the Oval Office and a degree of decorum was required. Furthermore I calculated I could control the pissing so that an absolute minimum reached the carpet.

‘Oh no’ shrieked Molly suddenly ‘Mr President I’m afraid your dog has disgraced himself on my shoe and its even leaked through to my foot’

‘Barney, why the hell did you do that?’ asked George after Molly had squelched her way out. Luckily there was only a drop or two on the carpet.

‘George, I had to nip things in the bud’ I explained ‘As your senior adviser I couldn’t allow you to proceed with a plan which, while not wholly without merit, would promote you as a cross between Mother Theresa, Ronald McDonald and a poor man’s Father Christmas. The next thing Macy’s would be offering you a contract for a festive season in their Children’s Christmas Grotto’

‘But Barney’ protested George ’I want to present myself as the people’s president, kindly and generous to a fault’

‘George’ I said ‘you’ve got to behave like a head of state. Just follow the example of the Queen. Do your Christmas Message on TV and get some minions to hand out a few bucks here and there’

‘So you think I should do the White House Christmas Party as usual’ said George

‘Right on, especially the Virginia Ham’ I said trying not to salivate at the potential doggy bag delicacies.

‘Ok’ said George ‘let’s get Molly back in. I hope she’s changed her shoes’

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