Posts Tagged ‘carbon emissions trading’
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
5th February 2010
Dear Mr President,
I was having a cup of tea with Marge when all of a sudden they announced your March visit on the telly. We couldn’t believe it. Marge was so overcome she almost had an accident.
We haven’t got word on your schedule yet and heaven forbid we seem presumptive but you know you’ll get a wonderful welcome at the world’s first Obama Fan Club whether it’s for a keynote address or a cup of tea; but definitely not a Tea Party.
I’ll be in touch with your appointments secretary within the next week or two. It’s so exciting.
I know you’re a few trillions in the red at the moment so while you’re here don’t hesitate to tap Kevin for a stimulus package. I’m sure you qualify.
Tony Abbott’s just released his new carbon emissions reduction plan. I think its something he cooked up over the Christmas holidays. What a cheek to claim he’s got a package as good as the ETS which Kevin and Penny have been working on for years. I’m afraid we’re in for a long boring argument about who’s got the biggest and the one which emits less smoke.
By the way I’ve just checked and the RSL memorial hall will almost certainly be available during your visit. We could fit in a hundred and seventy-five at a pinch with a cup of tea and egg and lettuce sandwiches and Fred is confident he could arrange a tour of the local meatworks.
The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank has been worried about your Iran problem for some time. Bombing the place would not be a good look so soon after scoring the Nobel Peace Prize. So we devoted our session this week to creating alternative strategic tactics to dissuade Ahmadinejad from going ballistic and nuclear.
Fred made a very thoughtful first contribution to a Think Tank session. He was strongly in favour of stuffing up Iran completely by holding the next climate change conference there.
Mildred thought Ahmadinejad craved recognition. She suggested you invite him over to the White House and present him with a major international award like the World’s Worst Dressed President.
Our Mavis’ Bert had a brilliant idea. We should arrange an exchange agreement between the Iranian Government and the NSW Government. Ahmadinejad could advise the NSW Government on vote rigging techniques for the 2011 election and in return they could apply their North-West Metro project development model to his nuclear programme. That should put it back at least twenty years.
Our Mavis thought that Ahmadinejad would feel a natural political affinity with the NSW Shooters Party.
Marge had the idea of the night. She reckoned that as Ahmadinejad was so keen on sponsoring terrorists the Pittsburgh Steelers offered him better value for money than Hamas. They’re always on the telly and they strike terror into everyone.
I was at a loss to sum up such brilliance. Please feel free to take your pick of any of these and don’t forget to give Hillary a comprehensive briefing.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Debt, ETS, Hamas, Hillary Clinton, Iran nuclear program, Kevin Rudd, Nobel Peace Prize, NSW Labor Government, NSW Shooters Party, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, Pittsburgh Steelers, President of USA, Tony Abbott, White House
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Cruise ships have started calling at Christmas Island. This provides an exciting opportunity for real progress on the asylum seeker issue. People smugglers are already reported to be in negotiation with a cruise ship company with a view to delivering two thousand asylum seekers at a time.
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Gitmo detainees are shortly to fly to new digs in Illinois. Hopefully pre-flight security screening will be more thorough than for Northwest flights out of Amsterdam.
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Climate change scientists briefing politicians in China, Brazil, India, Russia and South Africa obviously have a different perspective on global warming than the ones briefing Kevin, Obama and Al Gore. It must be nice to get a convenient truth for a change.
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President Zuma has just married a third wife and has a fourth in his sights. There is no information on how many husbands they have.
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The UK parliamentary expenses scandal will result in a record number of new MPs being elected there in March. Commentators are confident that expenses rorts will not recur for at least six years because that’s how long on average it takes an MP to learn to do them properly.
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The local drug barons will be invited to attend the next Climate Change Conference in Mexico City. They will deliver a paper on how their products cause people round the world to stop emiting carbon altogether.
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China has officially blamed global warming for the heavy snowfalls around Beijing. It’s only a matter of time before the record lows across the Northern Hemisphere are also blamed on global warming and climate scientists discover that the polar ice-caps are responsible for soaring temperatures in Madagascar.
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Two questions on climate change policy for Kevin and Penny.
If people on low incomes get refunds well in excess of their increased energy charges caused by the ETS wont this encourage them to use more electricity rather than less?
Why is Australia contributing billions of dollars to help small developing countries reduce their carbon emissions when according to UN data they are only emitting a piddling percentage of the world’s total output?
Tags: Al Gore, Amsterdam, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, global warming, Kevin Rudd, Obama, Penny Wong, people smugglers, President Zuma
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
30th October 2009
Happy Halloween for tomorrow.
The Obama Fan Club held a special Halloween Party this week and you would have loved it.
Neville dressed up as George W in drag and you were unanimously voted our pumpkin of the year. Mildred told us a ghost story. She said that Deep Throat still haunts the streets of Washington. Neville was half sozzled and thought she was talking about Monica Lewinsky. He’s such an embarrassment sometimes.
Kevin’s got into the spirit of things by playing ‘trick or treat’ with the asylum seekers. If they choose ‘treat’ he sends them to Christmas Island and if they choose ‘trick’ he sends them back to Indonesia.
The son of a couple who Marge knows apparently got on the wrong boat in Indonesia and ended up at Christmas Island for a couple of weeks. He said it wasn’t too bad but the place was full of foreigners.
Kevin’s been off overseas again the little gadabout that he is. He went to the East Asian gabfest in Bangkok to convince all those countries over there that they are the asylums which the Sri Lankans are seeking and there’s no way they should come to a madhouse like Australia.
The weather here’s turned very cold again and that doesn’t help poor old Kevin with his ETS. He wont have much luck telling Malcolm where to shove his amendments if we’re all freezing to death. If we don’t get some warm weather soon I’m going to write to the UN suggesting the agenda for Copenhagen should be about increasing carbon emissions.
Thank goodness you haven’t caught swine flu yet. It can be very nasty. My cousin copped a bit of a dose but I wasn’t surprised because he’s had his snout in the trough for years. Marge is worried that the outbreak over there could make a right pig’s ear of your healthcare plan.
I loved watching Hillary threaten the Iranians the other day. But as I said to Neville if she scared them half as much as she scared me they’ll be heading down here in droves booking a trip with the people smugglers. The next time she threatens the Iranians could you please ask her to suggest they seek asylum in NZ. And it would help if they learn to say ‘baa’ before being interviewed by the Kiwi immigration crowd. Just kidding.
Have you noticed that our dollar is gaining in value against your dollar. Kevin says it’s all to do with the stimulus and building school halls. But I’ve got good news. It means that all the fund-raising stuff we do to help the US economy will result in even more US dollars to help you balance the budget.
Next month we’re planning a special Thanksgiving Day event which should raise at least US$500. You can tell Timothy Wotshisface that he can count on that in next month’s forecasts.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: asylum seekers, Bangkok, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Christmas Island, Copenhagen, Deep Throat, ETS, Gaelene Woo, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Indonesia, Iran, Kevin Rudd, Kiwis, Malcolm Turnbull, Monica Lewinsky, New Zealand, NZ, Obama Fan Club, Sri Lanka, stimulus, swine flu, UN
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Things To Do – Week Commencing 1st November 2009
• Send Joe Hockey a present for his new baby. If Wilson Tuckey opens his mouth again next week I’ll probably have one myself.
• Must encourage Brendan Nelson to stand outside parliament with a ‘Good-bye’ sign and hope that he’s accompanied by Peter Costello.
• Must get my great new line into the media, ‘Penny isn’t worth half of tuppence’.
• Julie Bishop needs a major image makeover. I’ll recommend an affair with an asylum seeker. That would also demonstrate that the Coalition takes a personal interest in their welfare.
• Now that Kevin is beginning to wind down his stimulus package must remind him to thank me for my advice.
• If anyone else says they haven’t ruled out a comeback by Peter Costello I’m likely to commit a capital offence.
• Got another great line for the media. ‘Kevin’s so soft on asylum seekers that when he visits Christmas Island he’ll enter the detention centre down a chimney’.
• Why do Wilson Tuckey and Barnaby Joyce remind me of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble? Better let that one go through to the keeper.
• Must remind Joe Hockey and Tony Abbott there’s as much chance of them getting my job as Anthony Albanese becoming a male model.
• Will suggest that Peter Costello and Wilson Tuckey go to Brussels with Brendan Nelson. They don’t give a continental about dividing the party.
• Thought of yet another great line for the media. ‘I’m insisting on negotiating the ETS amendments with Kevin at the MCG because it’s not a spinners wicket’.
• Must speak to Newspoll about their latest data. It’s ludicrous that only seventeen percent prefer me as prime minister rather than Kevin. That’s like preferring a second-rate spinner to Ricky Ponting at first wicket down.
• Will have to set aside time next week to negotiate the ETS amendments with Penny and Kevin. Joe refers to them as the penny farthing.
• What the hell’s Peter Dutton up to? I hope he retains his seat so I can kick him up the ass.
• Must decide on negotiating techniques for the ETS amendments. If they agree to them I’ll promise when I become prime minister to appoint Kevin as permanent head of a committee looking into the effects of climate change on asylum seekers. And I’ll get John Howard to witness the agreement.
• I see the local ballet are doing Swan Lake. It should be renamed Swan Sea of Debt.
• Must start my Christmas present list. On second thoughts forget it. The free advice I’ve given everybody this year is more than enough.
• Next week’s the time to stand up and save Australia from the ETS, asylum seekers and Kevin. I’ve got to show that he’s no better at reducing emissions than he is at reducing admissions.
Tags: Anthony Albanese, asylum seekers, Barnaby Joyce, Barney Rubble, Brendan Nelson, carbon emissions trading, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, Fred Flintstone, Joe Hockey, John Howard, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, MCG, Newspoll, Penny Wong, Peter Costello, Peter Dutton, Ricky Ponting, Swan Lake, Swan Sea of Debt, Tony Abbott, Wilson Tuckey
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Climate change is the new religion. Al Gore is God, Obama is Jesus, Kevin’s an apostle, the Greens are the choir, Julia’s an angel, Barnaby Joyce is an atheist, Malcolm is Judas and Penny will be coming round with the ETS collection plate.
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When Jessica Watson arrives back in Australian waters after her round the world voyage authorities confirm there is every chance she will be intercepted and taken to Indonesia.
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Kevin is considering an inspired new concept for reducing the flow of asylum seekers, the NSW Government Solution; put State Rail in charge of timetables for people smuggler boats departing Indonesia.
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The huge number of Kiwis who have found an asylum in Bondi are proof of the success of the Australian Solution. Experts believe that after a year or two of the Indonesian Solution there could be a significant number of Aussies seeking the NZ Solution.
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Penny is reportedly planning to open a major carbon emissions trading centre. You simply bring along all the carbon emissions which are surplus to your quota and pay somebody else to take ownership of them. On the other hand if you are serious about reducing your carbon emissions apparently all you have to do is use less energy.
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It looks increasingly likely that Kevin will sub-contract Australian immigration operations to Indonesia. In the event that this is a success the next steps will be to sub-contract foreign affairs to North Korea and the ETS to the mining industry.
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One expert believes the person with the best solution for tackling climate change is yet to be born. Luckily there’s still six weeks left before the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen.
Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, carbon emissions trading, Climate Change, ETS, Indonesia, Jessica Watson, Jesus, Judas, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kiwis, Malcolm Turnbull, New Zealand, North Korea, NSW Government, NZ, Obama, Penny Wong, UN
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- Send a note to the RAAF to thank them for the trip to Jakarta and for preventing asylum seekers boarding the return flight. Food was still ghastly – make a note to take sandwiches next time.
- Thank Yudhoyono for his hospitality and compliment him on his NZ solution for asylum seekers. Pick-up by NZ navy is a great idea but must check if they’ve still got a navy.
- Do media interviews describing Malcolm’s ETS amendments as a business development plan for the coal industry. He thinks ETS stands for extra tax slug.
- Set timetable for negotiating amendments with Malcolm. Penny says it will be like trying to tell a deaf person to turn up his hearing aid.
- Co-ordinate with Penny to select our Malcolm tag of the week; ‘Barnaby Joyce’s Stooge’, ‘The Carbon Cavalier’ or ‘The Stoker at the Furnace of Global Warming’. I like those.
- Tell Wayne he looks like an absolute goose on TV in a hard hat. It reminds me of a huge bottom spilling out over the sides of a small chair.
- Meet with the coal industry to promote the ETS, urge increased spending on clean coal research and emphasise the need to increase exports to China.
- Talk to Glenn Stevens about his remarks in favour of ending the stimulus package and remind him of the need to stay above politics like Ken Henry.
- Discuss the schools stimulus programme with Julia. Am a bit worried about the forecast that we shall soon have more school halls than schools.
- Chat to Barack about my chances for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize. If he won it this year for following George W. Bush I should be a shoe-in next year for following John Howard. Will suggest he drops a word or two when he gets gonged in December.
- Check with Newspoll about their latest data. They must have made a mistake. It’s impossible that only 65% prefer me as prime minister now that Peter’s given it away and the only competition is Malcolm.
- Must think of something good to say about the NSW Government which doesn’t send everybody into fits of laughter.
- Check whether Jenny Macklin at long last has managed to build at least one bloody house in the Northern Territory.
- Suggest to Barack we should cut to the chase and hold a G2 meeting.
- On second thoughts Barnaby Joyce could be right about me being worth a million dollars. I could even be worth more. Must take a few soundings.
- Tell Peter Garrett that I don’t think a wig would suit him.
- Check with Belinda Neal about anger management courses. My staff tell me there’s someone in our office badly in need of one
- Newspoll has just reported that I have a 5% approval rating amongst my staff dropping to 1% if you include the ones who have just left. Perhaps the bunk beds in the office aren’t very comfortable.
- Must be careful not to reject all Malcolm’s ETS amendments because it might be the end of him as Coalition leader. Its possible that Joe or Tony could be an improvement.
Tags: asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Belinda Neal, carbon emissions trading, China, coal, ETS, G2, George Bush, George W Bush, Glenn Stevens, Jakarta, Jenny Macklin, Joe Hockey, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Nobel Peace Prize, NSW Government, NZ, Penny Wong, Peter Costello, Peter Garrett, Schools, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan, Yudhoyono
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Kevin has crafted a brilliant strategy to help Labor win the 2010 federal election. During the campaign he plans to send the NSW Government on a world tour. The NSW electorate will be so grateful for the relief that they’ll vote for him in droves. Furthermore visits from the NSW Government will help countries such as Zimbabwe and Somalia reflect on how lucky they are.
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Isn’t it strange that Malcolm’s deputy Julie Bishop is never mentioned as a contender for his job? Perhaps this is a sign that the Liberal Party should follow the Pope’s lead and not suffer female Bishops.
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Has anyone heard much about Stephen Smith recently? He certainly qualifies as Australia’s most anonymous Minister for Foreign Affairs. Julia’s been in the US, Penny’s been in China, Kevin’s been everywhere but all these places are foreign to Stephen. Wayne, who was of course the other rooster, has been all over the world crowing about Australia’s economic record. The feeling in Canberra circles is that Stephen has either been plucked or has been in Sri Lanka presenting a film about water-boarding on Christmas Island.
It was encouraging that he went to Indonesia with Kevin. Hopefully he’ll be able to find his own way there in future.
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Friday Mash has rejected a suggestion from Al Gore that we reduce our Carbon Emissions.
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Malcolm has proposed miner changes to the ETS which are designed to allow cattle to continue farting and him to keep his job.
The Coalition have agreed he should have some latitude in negotiations with Kevin and Penny but have stipulated that the first fart to go should be him.
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The good news keeps on coming. Sydney’s M2 tollway will be widened by 2015, John and Belinda are back together and there are a number of positions vacant on Kevin’s personal staff. No wonder asylum seekers are so keen to come here.
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What a mistake Kevin made in sending Brendan Nelson to Brussels. He should have made him Admiral Lord Nelson and sent him to repel the people smugglers’ armada.
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It’s difficult to understand why there’s so much fuss about global warming. It’s only a matter of degrees.
Tags: Admiral Lord Nelson, Al Gore, asylum seekers, carbon emissions trading, carbon trading, Christmas Island, Coalition, ETS, farting, federal election, Indonesia, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, NSW Government, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Somalia, Stephen Smith, Sydney M2 tollway, US, Wayne Swan, Zimbabwe
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
8th October 2009
Dear Mr President,
I couldn’t believe it. I was so shocked I almost cancelled the Obama Fan Club meeting in protest.
Fancy you and Michelle flying all that way to Copenhagen, making a speech that made Marge cry and then having to suffer that IOC mob giving Chicago the bum’s rush in the first round.
I haven’t been so shattered since John Howard was elected for the fourth time.
And Oprah was there as well. They must have been mad. Mildred told us that Chicago is such a sweet place and even the gangsters are well-behaved. Fancy giving the 2016 Games to Rio. There will be mobs of people dancing in the streets with nothing on. I’ve already told Neville that he can’t go.
I know the Atlanta Games were a shambles and there were dodgy dealings at Salt Lake City but did the IOC think you went all the way over there just to buy a kilo of Danish ham?
The Club sent an official letter of protest to the IOC. I told Jack Rug the president that if he didn’t pull his finger out I’d pull the rug right out from under him.
I know it’s all been such a terrible disappointment for you and the folks in Chicago so the Club has been considering what we can do to help out.
I have written to the President of the Worldwide Chastity League suggesting we have our Domestic Affairs Symposium in Sydney in 2012 and our International Affairs in Chicago in 2016.
And you’re not going to believe this but I’ve also written to the Bulldogs and the Eels suggesting they play a match at Wrigley Field in 2016.
So that could mean that instead of one world class event in Chicago in 2016 you get two. Trust the Obama Fan Club to come the goodies.
Can you believe the Eels lost to the Storm in Australia’s number one sporting event the League Grand Final? I know you’ll be shocked. Neville was so upset he didn’t come home for two days. He also knows I’d kill him if he came home hammered.
Speaking confidentially as one president to another what do you really think about this ETS thing? If they treat your ETS in Copenhagen like they treated your Olympic bid I’d tell them all tell them all to go and get greenhouse gassed if I were you.
I’m almost beginning to feel sorry for poor old Malcolm. If he doesn’t produce any amendments to the ETS Kevin will give him heaps and if he does he’ll get heaps from the Coalition.
I’ve got a great idea. If you could let me have your climate change plans in advance, in strictest confidence of course, I could pass the word on to Kevin and Malcolm which will get them on the same page as you in Copenhagen and save a lot of heated discussion and farting around over here.
I know, I really get inspired sometimes.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Australia, Barack Obama, Bulldogs, carbon emissions trading, Chicago, Copenhagen, Eels, ETS, Gaeleen Woo, greenhouse effect, IOC, Jack Rug, John Howard, Malcolm Turnbull, Obama Fan Club, Olympic Games, Olympics
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Kevin has returned from the G20 in triumph. His inspirational leadership has motivated decisive action on climate change from countries all over the world.
The UK are ready to reduce carbon emissions by banning Guy Fawkes Day and losing the Ashes to Australia in 2010/11.
Berlusconi said it was difficult for him to reduce emissions but he is trying to do something about premature ejaculations.
China will celebrate its sixtieth anniversary as a communist republic by undertaking a massive cloud dispersal project. While this is a considerable achievement Kevin should remind them that climate change action is about producing more clouds on the horizon not less.
India is contemplating action on global warming though a reduction in fire-eating and vindaloo curry consumption which is much the same thing really.
Japan is taking steps to stop Mt Fuji smoking.
The Maldives will reduce carbon emissions by becoming the world’s first submarine country.
In a remarkably bold move the US could prohibit any further television reruns of the Sooty and Sweep Show.
New Zealand is trying desperately to lift their carbon emissions to the point where a reduction would be worthwhile.
The United Nations will reduce its noxious gases output by severely curtailing future Gaddafi rants to the General Assembly.
The Australian Government is said to be warming to the idea of allowing asylum seeker boats to offer a two-way service provided that Wilson Tuckey and Barnaby Joyce are passengers on the first return trip to Indonesia.
Denmark is planning a huge increase in carbon emissions to prevent delegates at the Copenhagen Climate Change Summit in December freezing to death.
Tags: Ashes, Barnaby Joyce, Berlusconi, carbon emissions trading, China, Climate Change, Cricket, Federal Government, G20, Gaddafi, Japan, Kevin Rudd, New Zealand, UN, US, Wilson Tuckey
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