Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

4th June 2010

Dear Mr. President,

I couldn’t help laughing the other day. Someone in the US criticised your government for wanting too much control over people’s lives. We’ve got to keep the government out of our bedrooms he said. That wouldn’t be a problem for me I thought because they’re bound to be a big improvement there on Neville.

All the members of the Obama Fan Club are terribly worried about your oil disaster and want to do all we can to help.

I convened a special meeting of our World Affairs Think Tank to try and come up with some inspiring ideas for you.

Our Mavis’ Bert said the oil mess was typical of the Poms because they still have an empire mentality. People like British Petroleum think nothing of crapping all over the colonies.

Our Mavis reckoned it was about time you poured oil on troubled waters until it was pointed out to her that the waters only become troubled because someone poured oil on them in the first place.

Marge thought that you should rename the Gulf of Mexico the BP sea.

Albert said the oil spill started six weeks ago, is still gushing out and he reckoned you have just been sitting on it. His wife said it was just a pity you haven’t got a wider backside.

Mildred thought it was a wonderfully generous gesture by the US to pool your oil with Mexico. But Elsie thought it was ironic that Mexico is preparing to stop the flow of illegal flow of US oil into their country.

Fred thought the oil would cause a lot of confusion for environmentalists. If the sea levels rise they wont know whether to blame melting glaciers or the oil spill.

Joe thought BP should be congratulated for creating the world’s largest carbon footprint without generating any carbon emissions.

Madge thought it was the biggest environmental disaster since Midnight Oil spilled out all over the place. Even after all this time there are many people who feel that Peter Garrett still hasn’t been cleaned up properly.

Neville said if BP put their prices up to pay for their massive stuff-up he would buy his petrol elsewhere because there are Ampol stations around (he actually thought that was funny).

Godfrey said that Americans should park their cars with the petrol caps off because hurricanes are expected through the Gulf of Mexico shortly and it could soon be raining oil all over the country.

I summed up in my usual balanced manner. I suggested converting the Gulf of Mexico into an oil storage facility and pointed out it could soon become the source of a new type of fish oil.

Oh and by the way you should sit on a Louisiana beach and command that the oil not come on to it. Yes I know it didn’t work for King Canute but who knows you could get lucky and at least you’d be seen to be doing something.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Canberra Report by Dick Head

A Non-Core Promise

The Tasmanian election has just been rated the biggest threat to worldwide democracy since the Taliban.

The general consensus pre-election was that David Bartlett was devious dropkick and should go. The electorate hated him, the Liberals and the Greens censured him and he couldn’t even get selected for the Tasmanian Tigers.

During the state election campaign he denied strongly he was a devious dropkick and even claimed to be a decent sort of bloke by promising to hand over the premier’s gig to Will Hodgman if the Liberals pulled more seats or votes.

As it turned out Will’s mob got more votes and guess what? David revealed himself to be a devious dropkick after all. It looks like he’ll become premier again with the support of the Greens which is like coming to Australia as an asylum seeker with the support of Kevin.

There are some serious lessons to be learned from this electoral farce.

Never trust a promise from the premier of the Apple Isle especially if its non-core.

If you get into bed with the Greens expect carbon footprints all over the sheets.

If you don’t trust politicians to do anything remotely sensible vote for a hung parliament.

Maybe the Tasmanian voters knew what they were doing after all.

Dick Head has been advised not to visit Tasmania on mental health grounds.

Trees would get equal rights, saw-milling companies would be prosecuted for woodicide and conservation orders would protest endangered areas like Tiger Woods.

Eco-tourism would flourish as would eco-nomics and eco-emissions. There would be an open door policy for terrorists but eco-terrorists would be closely logged.

People given to continuous uncontrollable wind passing with the sun shining out of their backsides would be considered national treasures as sources of renewable windpower and solar power and hooked up to the national grid.

The Greens are very keen to eliminate the greenhouse effect in order to force everybody to eat green tomatoes.

The joint would run on solar power, windpower, wavepower and flower power and any other power which can be made current.

Power stations would be converted into coal cleaning centres which are carbon copies of carwashes.

Under a Greens government the whole financial system would become much simpler. Businesses would all become non-profit because money would grow on trees.

People would be encouraged to meet Kyoto Protocol standards for energy conservation by staying in bed all day by themselves.

For some time there has been a Greens policy in Tasmania to persuade people to live in trees. Given the fact that the Greens there could now get cabinet positions it seems likely that all hope will be abandoned and the scheme will get off the ground.

A Greens government would bring renewed hope to whales and asylum seekers. Indeed it is likely that Sydney Harbour would be a processing centre for asylum seeking whales that are fleeing Japanese persecution and sushi menus.

A Green government would be rigorous in measures to reduce automotive pollution. Experts believe they would mandate the introduction of two types of pollution-free cars. One would run on pedal power and the other would be powered by high-octane urine. In other words it would be a piss and pedal non-pollution policy.

A special adaptor which connects the driver to the fuel tank would enable regular fuel refilling while the car is in motion. The urine fuel would only work however with a minimum alcohol content of .15. In the event of a car breakdown roadside assistance would include a full bar service.

The police would be instructed to carry out random carbon footprint checks. Anyone leaving carbon footprints which are too large will be ordered to wear smaller shoes or get their toes cut off. People leaving no carbon footprints whatsoever will be deemed part of a nuclear family and given radiation checks.

Young people volunteering for community service will be sent to glaciers round the South Pole with ice-making machines.

Australia faces a difficult choice in its strategy to tackle global warming. It can either become green with environmentalism or a conspicuously consuming obscenely opulent carbon-captivated society which makes the rest of the world green with envy.

Commentators have marvelled at the absolute consistency between the nine plans and have confidently forecast that the ninth will have exactly the same non-effect in solving Sydney traffic problems as all the rest of them.

The Labor Government seems incapable of grasping that plans in themselves are not enough, but traffic experts have sounded a note of caution pointing out that, given the government’s track record, doing nothing is probably the preferred option.

The latest plan has been dubbed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’. Sydney commentators were quick to point out it conforms to the first part of the slogan on which the government was elected ‘More to do but moving in the right direction’ but doesn’t promote movement in any direction let alone the right one.

A key underlying objective of ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ seems to be isolating Western Sydney from the CBD and encouraging it to become a suburb of Melbourne. The new Aussie Rules franchise out there could be the first step in the transfer to be finalised by 2020 when it will be quicker to travel to Melbourne from Bankstown than to the Sydney CBD.

The Government is obviously concerned that if they provide Sydney commuters with a coherent road network they will abandon the daily torture of train travel in droves and leap into their cars. This would upset the delicate balance in transport chaos, resulting in the new road network becoming hopelessly gridlocked and obliging the government to finally fund a decent rail service.

Tourists visiting the world’s number one travel destination should be warned not to expect much touring. They need to understand that the local transport system is carefully designed to ensure they’ll enjoy their visit far more by staying in one place.

One of the new plan’s great strengths is the provision of an exciting new revenue stream for the government. Motorists who are gridlocked on motorways for more than a few minutes could get parking fees deducted from their e-tag balance.

Despite its avowed metrosexuality the state government has made a premature withdrawal from the CBD Metro with no real prospect of a future climax or conception.

Environmentalists have hailed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ as a significant step in the fight against global warming. They are convinced it will achieve a huge reduction in Sydney’s carbon footprint by causing many commuters to abandon all hope of getting to the CBD and back in one day and employers to install office seats which convert into beds.

In desperation some clinicians have offered to provide stents to unblock the main Sydney traffic arteries. However there is another body of medical opinion which believes the correct treatment is a governmental enema.

The William St and Cross-city Tunnel debacles tend to confirm that the Labor Government actually doing something about Sydney’s transport problems would promote a sinking feeling akin to Peter Garrett being given responsibility for fixing Australia’s submarine fleet.

Sydneysiders may take comfort in the fact that the Government only has time for one more transport plan at the most and no time to do anything really disastrous.

Kristina will be staying in Wonderland and just like the rest of us will not be going anywhere in a hurry.

I almost choked on my mouthful of organic dog food. George was having a mad moment and I sensed it would take all my animal cunning to avert a policy disaster which could bring the US economy to its knees.

‘I beg your pardon George’ I responded keeping my cool and hoping against hope that he was merely talking about becoming an alien.

‘Well you know’ said George ‘I thought I’d plant a few more trees in the White House garden, put a recycling bin in the Oval Office and install a half-flush in the en-suite’

I can’t tell you how relieved I felt. Mercifully George hadn’t become a greenie but was just into some feel-good stuff he’d picked up at a cocktail party

‘Oh that’s alright George’ I said ‘I was worried you were talking about replacing coal with solar power and wind power’

‘Good heavens Barney, you know me better than that’ said George ‘I leave all that stuff to Al Gore. Next thing you know he’ll be trying to power his car by farting into the petrol tank. By the way I heard him talking about the greenhouse effect recently. What the hell’s all that about?’

‘Well George’ I said ‘some climate scientists believe if we emit too much carbon into the atmosphere by burning fossil fuels like coal and oil the world will overheat’

‘Oh I understand’ said George ‘that’s the same sort of idea as the insulation we put in the roof last year. But you don’t believe all that stuff do you Barney?’

‘Well as your senior adviser’ I said ‘I have to carefully review all expert opinion and scientific data and maintain a rigorous ongoing analysis of all available…’

‘Alright alright’ said George ‘but you don’t’ believe all that dogshit do you?’

‘Well actually no George’ I admitted ‘but that’s not the point. We have to be aware of trends in voter attitudes and you have to be careful about your carbon footprint’

‘I know’ said George ‘I accidently trod in the coal bucket’

‘No, no’ I said ‘you have to be careful not to do things which significantly increase carbon emissions like fighting lots of wars, chopping down forests and allowing new vehicles which guzzle even more gas’

‘But wars and wood and gas guzzling are all good for business’ said George ‘Those greenies are as bad for business as a police raid in a brothel. Al Gore can’t seriously believe that cars will run on hydrogen and power stations can be driven by the sun. Besides Dick Cheney and I wouldn’t have any oil company directorships to keep us going in retirement’

‘Al believes that’s the only way we can save polar bears’ I said ‘and he has no doubt they’re a much more vital part of the eco-system than you and Dick.

‘The next thing’ said George ‘he’ll be campaigning again for President promising to run the country from a tree’

‘Well’ I said ‘he’d be in the ideal position to construct his new cabinet’

It would be nice to think that current affairs in 2080 will have a familiar feel about them like the LNP in Queensland still seeking a federal seat for Peter Dutton, the government still grappling with Wayne’s debts and deficits, Obama still promising to close Gitmo and Malcolm’s approval rating falling to an asterisk.

It is possible that by 2080 global warming will be more perspiration than aberration? Many Aussies could be cooling their heels in Antarctica waiting in vain for the ETS to take effect.

Temperatures in Australia could have become so hot that Perisher Valley is a nudist colony and girls can no longer enjoy going to the hottest place in town with guys who have the hots for them.

By this time Kevin could be capped and traded from the annals of history for introducing an ETS which failed miserably, ignoring nuclear power which had proved outstandingly successful all over the world and spending billions on clean coal to discover its about as viable as a clean joke about John Della Bosca.

There could even be Global Warming Remembrance Day when effigies of Kevin are burnt on top of bonfires and a picture of him is placed by the $100 E-tag collection point on Sydney Harbour Bridge as a reminder of the terrible toll he had taken.

On the other hand temperatures in the Australian of 2080 could be similar to today. A Kevin Thanksgiving public holiday could commemorate his leadership in inspiring his country and the world to become cleaner more pristine places free from carbon emissions, neo-liberals, Malcolm, Wilson Tuckey, Barnaby Joyce and numerous other polluting old farts.

It is interesting to speculate whether in the event of the ETS working the 2080 Aussies would acknowledge the selfless sacrifices made by their predecessors in 2009/10 to ensure they would never experience the same unemployment and rocketing power prices, the fruitless search for green jobs and the endless ranting from Kevin and Penny.

Sad to say they will probably see us as the recession they had to have.

A recent learned thesis argues that the human race is unlikely to last to 2080. Prolonged exposure to the greenhouse effect could infect human kind with the tomato virus rendering us scarlet and full of pips in trusses.

Hopefully 2009 will not be remembered as the year when the UN Conference in Copenhagen to tackle global warming experienced a failure in its solar heating system and most of the delegates had to be treated for hypothermia.

Perhaps it will take until 2080 for the world to wake up to the fact that global warming is simply nature’s way of supplying an abundant source of renewable solar energy.

There is intense speculation about which Labor leader is heading towards the more cataclysmic election disaster, Gordon Brown in the UK or Nathan Rees in NSW. This intriguing new Pom Aussie rivalry could even result in a new Ashes series. However the urn holding the Ashes would have to be considerably larger than the one at Lords.
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The Empire State Building was lit up red and yellow to celebrate sixty years of communism in China. New Yorkers are eagerly awaiting the spectacular display to celebrate fifteen years of the Taliban.
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A man who has eaten coal for the past thirty-five years is said to be responsible for most of the carbon emissions coming from Tasmania. Combined with his talent for swallowing lighted matches this high carbon diet produces a warm inner glow. He has applied for exemption from the ETS based on the significant savings in power consumption this enables him to make. His case is still under review but sources indicate the government is likely to insist he caps and trades unless he goes on a carbon free diet or only eats clean coal.
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The Obama administration is planning a George W Bush Mission Accomplished Tour of Iraq. They are confident of gaining co-operative support for the project from Al Qa’ida.
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What on earth has happened to the hole in the ozone layer? It hasn’t been heard of for months. If you come across it please contact Kevin’s office immediately. Advisors believe it could be his short-cut to climate change heaven.
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Forensic scientists are developing a technology to indentify criminals by their carbon footprints. Police believe this could spark a new crime wave and are warning people with carbon-free footprints to keep them in a secure place and not leave them lying around on the pavement.
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Malcolm has told the anonymous smart-arses in the Coalition that a rejection of the ETS is a rejection of him. The smart-arses can’t believe their luck. Suddenly they have the opportunity to rid themselves of Malcolm’s sins of both omission and emission all in one go.
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There are remarkable similarities between the two; absolute dedication to a cause, a laughing gear malfunction and a medieval hairstyle.

There is a certain similarity in the threats they chose to address. Penny is striving to rid her country of carbon emissions to save it from the greenhouse effect while Joan was striving to rid her country of Poms to save it from the effect of all those ghastly greenhouses they build everywhere.

Psychologists believe Penny’s determination to hose down global warming could derive from an instinctive motivation to avoid the same ultimate fate as Joan.

As the Minister for Climate Change Penny’s key responsibility is keeping the climate the same. But if global warming doesn’t live up to her dire forecasts she will argue heatedly until it does.

It matters not to Penny that if the US and China stopped emitting carbons no-one would care tuppence about Australia. Some experts believe that in order to understand future global emissions trends in more detail she will need to get closer to China. Malcolm has suggested North Korea.

She is immensely frustrated that people like Wilson Tuckey and Barnaby Joyce refuse to understand that getting an ETS approved by November is not so much about reducing carbon emissions but rather about giving Kevin the authority and credibility he needs to be recognised as the Decarbonator at the Climate Change Summit in December.

To send the Decarbonator into that summit without the embellishment of an ETS in his own country would be like sending Roger Federer onto centre court without a racquet.

It is rumoured he plans to set the summit alight by proposing a worldwide ban on coal powered fire stations.

Penny works tirelessly in support of the Decarbonator. Insiders report approaches to the Taliban aimed at reducing car bomb emissions and the development of a breakthrough emissions-free bicycle called, in honour of its sponsor, the penny farthing.

It has to be said, however, that for a Climate Change Minister she seems to emit an inordinate amount of smut especially about Malcolm.

She urgently needs to address the proposition that people who have had smoke blown up their backsides should be subject to cap and trade.

Sceptics are telling Penny that by 2018 the cumulative effect of the ETS and the CPRS together with Wayne’s debt reduction stimulus will be an alarming drop in carbon emissions leading to global cooling and people wearing carbon dioxide masks. They warn that by 2020 unless carbon emissions are increased to current levels the shithouse effect could be irreversible.

But Penny remains confident despite the feeling that the Decarbonator has sent her on an emission impossible. She is even said to harbour ambitions of becoming Decarbonator II but it seems unlikely Decarbonator I will allow any carbon copies.

Meanwhile she soldiers steadfastly on showing little patience for debating the ETS’ rights and wongs. We can only hope that with so much at stake she doesn’t get burned.

For a start there will be fulfilling careers in solar energy especially for executives with the sun shining out of their backside.

The potential in windpower is a little more complex. It will definitely help if you live in a windmill on a strict diet of baked beans and artichokes but there will be limited scope for people who simply want to fart around.

The green era will usher in an intriguing range of new technological skills. Householders who rely on recycled gas from their sewerage system for power supplies will need specialised emergency services in the event of power cuts caused by constipation.

There will be lots of green jobs building green houses but greenhouses will not be needed because we shall all be living in one.

It would be such a relief if everyone worked for Greenpeace because there would be no-one left for them to whinge about. The Australian Greens may be a future source of green jobs but so far they’ve only created a Brown one.

In the new green jobs era nothing will be black and white or even grey. Instead of blue collar and white collar jobs there will be green collar which are carbon free and black collar which are Omo free..

The government will issue green papers about green-chip companies keeping their bottom lines in the green by advertising in the Green Pages.

The potential for green jobs in the uranium industry is unclear. Uranium seems green around the world but black in Australia. Scientists are urgently undertaking research aimed at turning yellowcake green.

A massive programme of space exploration is being planned to exploit the incredible green jobs potential from making contact with little green men. The programme is called ‘close encounters of the nine-to-five kind’.

There will be unprecedented green job potential for people with the special talents needed to monitor carbon and greenhouse gas emissions. Their extraordinary nasal sensitivity will enable them to detect emissions which are smokescreens or a blatant attempt to blow smoke up someone’s backside.

Kevin is very positive about the green job opportunities arising from clean coal. This state of the art technology emits carbon downwards instead of upwards by turning power stations upside down. People travelling on underground trains will need to wear face masks and there will be severe smog in the Harbour Tunnel.

It is debatable whether the desalination industry will create green jobs. Some experts reckon they will come in a torrent but others are taking it all with a pinch of salt.

People who are still seeking opportunities in black jobs should consider emigrating to China. There is unlimited potential over there to benefit Australia by developing a huge carbon footprint and driving coal imports.