Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Ramos Horta’s office in Dili when the East Timor President met with Prime Minister Xanana Gusmao to discuss Julia Gillard’s call about an asylum seeker regional processing centre. Here is his exclusive report.

‘Guess what’ said Ramos ‘I had a strange call yesterday from Julia Gillard’

‘Better watch yourself’ said Xanana ‘look what she did to poor old Kevin’

‘You’ll never guess what she suggested’ said Ramos ‘She actually wants us to set up an asylum seeker processing centre here in East Timor’

‘I know’ said Xanana ‘she’s already announced it in Australia. You didn’t give her the go-ahead did you?’

‘Of course not’ said Ramos ‘how could I, I’m only the president. She should have phoned you’

‘Well why didn’t she?’ asked Xanana

‘Probably because last time I was in Aussie’ said Ramos ‘I left her my number. She’s single so you never know your luck’

‘So what did you say to her’ asked Xanana

‘I was polite’ said Ramos ‘and said we would consider specific proposals but I didn’t tell her outright it was a braindead idea’

‘Yudhoyono would go ape if we agreed to it’ said Xanana ‘Indonesia would become a transit camp for asylum seekers flocking to get here. And we’d have people smuggler boats arriving every hour on the hour’

‘Let’s just think for a minute’ said Ramos ‘are there any benefits for East Timor if we agree to Julia’s plan?’

‘Can’t think of any’ said Xanana ‘and if we agree to talks there’s a danger we’ll have to suffer that crashing bore Kevin’

‘If we accepted the idea’ said Ramos ‘we might be able to negotiate some attractive concessions for ourselves in return’

‘You mean’ said Xanana ‘Australia would agree to play a Bledisloe Cup match here’

‘No, no’ said Ramos ‘I mean that if we agree to the processing centre we could get concessions like a fair share of the Timor Sea oil revenues’

‘That’s a thought’ agreed Xanana ‘but it’s so difficult negotiating with Aussie women like Julia. I know because I’m married to one of them’

‘I’ve got an idea’ said Ramos ‘What if we said we’d accept a processing centre if it was built to Hilton Hotel specifications and handed over to us within five years to kick-start our tourism business’

‘Great idea’ said Xanana ‘but do you think Julia will agree to bankroll a Hilton Hotel with accommodation for thousands’

‘Look at it this way’ said Ramos ‘it would solve a lot of her problems. No more people smuggler boats going to Australia and the asylum seekers wouldn’t complain so much if they’re staying at a Hilton’

‘Wait a bit’ said Xanana ‘the last thing we want is to be stuck with thousands of asylum seekers’

‘Listen’ said Ramos ‘East Timor would be praised throughout the world for our exemplary treatment of asylum seekers and the Australian Government will pay us the full Hilton rates for their accommodation because its much cheaper than keeping them at Christmas Island’

‘Brilliant thinking’ said Xanana ‘but Julia must understand that we’ve got to keep them moving forward’

‘Oh’ said Ramos ‘I’m sure she’ll agree with that’

8th July 2010

PM’s Office
Canberra

Dear Julia,

Us Gillard’s Girls are furious. Fancy Frank Bainimarama chucking our High Commissioner out of Fiji. What a bloody cheek.

Well he’s not getting away with it. I’ve written to Frank telling him that the Beauthaven ALP Branch has black-banned Fiji as a holiday destination and we’ve removed kava from our bar. That will shake him.

This principled stand in the cause of democracy is not without sacrifices. Neville and I can’t stand Bali so we’ll have to make do with Surfers Paradise this year. We’ll just grit our teeth and put up with all that Melbourne crowd.

Perhaps you could pass this info on to Stephen Wothisface your Foreign guy because I know he’s really pissed off with Frank as well.

All the Girls are so excited about the election and we’re going to hold a special campaign launch BBQ. We’d be ever so grateful if you didn’t pop round to see the Governor-General – wonderful woman – on a Monday or Tuesday because that’s when the RSL BBQ is closed. Friday would be ideal

By the way don’t worry about winning the election. We put photographs of you and Tony Abbott on a wall and blindfolded Jasper our dog. Guess what! He went and pissed all over Tony.

Us Girls are very worried about the asylum seeker business. It was a great idea to take David Bradbury along when you went on that cruise off Darwin to scare off the people smugglers. David’s the member for the Penrith area just up the road from us and so he knows there’s more asylum seekers arriving round here than at Christmas Island.

We had a chat about it at our weekly meeting and Marge and Mildred came up with some really humane ideas.

They said its important to have regional processing centres where the asylum seekers feel at home. So they suggested that those fleeing from poverty and chaos should be sent to one in PNG and those fleeing an oppressive tyrant should be sent to Frank in Fiji.

The Girls asked me to tell you how worried we are about Penny Wong. She’s not the same person since she lost her ETS and Malcolm all at the same time. We think there’s a real danger she could join the Greens and she’s too young to give up all hope like that.

Wasn’t it wonderful to see Kevin going overseas again. I always thought he was at his best when he went overseas.

It was so lovely to see your parents on the telly. Dot heard they came from Wales and said it was lucky for you the Japs didn’t harpoon them on the way over.

I must tell you. The male members of the Beauthaven ALP Branch led by Neville introduced a resolution calling for the closing down of Gillard’s Girls claiming it was against party rules as a sexist faction. I introduced a counter resolution claiming we are a special advisory body to the prime minister on women’s rights. There’s twelve of us and only eleven of them so Gillard’s Girls survived by one vote. Don’t worry I’m planning to secure our future by doing a bit of branch stacking.

Election fever round here is reaching pandemic proportions. Don’t forget to make the announcement on a Friday if you possibly can. If you’ve already blown the whistle before you get this newsletter we quite understand.

Go Gillard’s Girls

Gaelene Woo
President

Not the Sound of Music
If Julia kicks the asylum seekers out of Christmas Island it would become the ideal location for the World Vuvuzela Festival.

Fowl Play
Sources have confirmed that the egg thrown at Julia came from a battery hen.

Lords But Not Poms
Australia is currently playing the Pakistanis at Lords. In order to avoid confusion cricket authorities have released a statement saying this is not a Test against England because in that case they would be playing against South Africans.

To Russia Without Love
The spy swap which recently took place in Vienna has inspired power-brokers to come up with a brilliant idea to keep the NSW State Government in power at the next election. They are reportedly working on a deal with Russia to secretly swap the NSW Government for the ten spies kicked out of the US. They reason that not only will this lead to chaos on Russian roads and railways but it will also ensure that government in NSW will finally benefit from good intelligence.

A Balls-Up
Those who believed that Paul the octopus made some ballsy World Cup predictions were probably confusing tentacles with testicles.

It’s Not Cricket
Joe Tripodi has been referred to the ICAC which of course stands for International Cricket Asian Council. Could this mean he’s replacing John Howard as the local nominee for Vice-President?

Lambs from the Slaughter
NZ sheep facing slaughter at home are thought to be seeking asylum in Australia. A government spokesman welcomed their preference for resettlement in rural areas.

Moving Forwards and Downwards
As a result of the upcoming election Australians will get the politicians they deserve. As a matter of extreme urgency will someone, anyone for pity’s sake, tell us what on earth we’ve got to do to deserve better.

Recognised authorities like Friday Mash believe that the ultimate solution is a World Asylum Seeker Processing Centre rather than a piddling regional operation in a place like East Timor.

And the obvious location for it is NZ.

For some time there has been disquiet in international circles that NZ could soon become a world also-ran, merely another group of South Sea islands unable to compete with Fiji in the packaged holiday market because of its appalling weather.

It may already be too late. The NZ Air Force has been reduced to a VIP limousine service, the Army is tipped to become a management service for shooting galleries and the Navy could soon become a cruise operator out of Auckland Harbour.

Asylum seekers are a world problem demanding a world class solution. In contrast to politicians whose thought bubble on the subject floats somewhere between East Timor and PNG, experts who know what they’re talking about believe the world is waiting for the NZ Solution.

A World Asylum Seeker Processing Centre could do for NZ what convicts did for Australia. Friday Mash can now exclusively reveal the essential elements of this inspirational plan.

The NZ Navy would cruise the world picking up asylum seekers on a regular schedule at ports like Basra, Vladivostok, Karachi, Mogadishu, Colombo and Southampton. This will save asylum seekers legging it for thousands of kilometres and put the people smugglers out of business.

No-one would ever need suffer repression under a brutal dictatorship. All they need do is call up the NZ Navy and do a runner.

Anyone looking the slightest bit likely to start a war or a revolution would be placed on the next ship out of town.

Oppressed minorities could be relocated in a country like Australia which only oppresses majorities.

The chronically disgruntled, jilted lovers, the unemployed, football fanatics whose team bombed out at the World Cup, people who are fed up with their local weather, beer or television could all find a new life through the NZ Solution.

Resettlement counsellors would be available at the processing centre to help asylum seekers determine their new country of choice.

They must avoid at all costs sending Palestinians to Israel, Uighurs to China and anyone to Iran, Guantanamo Bay or North Korea. Furthermore they must ensure that no-one is sent to Coventry or Siberia and that Frogs and Septics are sent nowhere but home.

It is confidently expected that following a period of counselling and introspection many asylum seekers would happily return home after being stuck in NZ for a few months.

Experts calculate that the plan could result in up to a quarter of the world’s population being in NZ at any given time. The benefits this would bring to the country are incalculable.

Suddenly a small nation off the arse-end of Australia would be toasted throughout the world for its services to humanity. The NZ Navy would be boosted to become among the world’s largest, the Air Force could run a service for VIP asylum seekers and the Army would have to be strengthened in case World War III broke out in the processing centre.

And as for all those Kiwis desperately seeking to go to another asylum the good news would be that the way out is just down the road.

This is an adapted extract from Roger Pugh’s book ‘The ReColonisation of Australia by Poms’ to be published shortly on-line.

8th July 2010

PM’s Office
Canberra

Dear Julia,

Gillard’s Girls love the way you’re operating. We always thought you were a bit of a leftie but obviously Mark Arbib knew something we didn’t. Mind you that doesn’t happen often.

I must tell you we’re a bit worried about your promise to put Kevin in the cabinet if you win the next election. He’s a wonderful man and all that but apparently your cabinet mates think he’s a cretinous control freak who should be put in a box rather than a cabinet.

If I were you dear I’d keep him out of the way for a year or two in one of those standing committees that’s rarely sitting. Something like a chinese-speaking study group inquiring into whether sewage farms in China are a renewable energy source.

At our caucus meeting last week the Girls were all terribly worried about Wayne. Now I don’t want you to take this the wrong way because I know he’s your deputy and a great little tryer. But we’ve always thought that he got all his best lines from Hooray Henry and Kevin and he’s a bit lost since you rissoled them both.

We think he needs someone to hold his hand and start giving him some new material. He can’t even rubbish John Howard anymore now that you’ve nicked his asylum seeker policy. The Girls came up with a couple of great lines which you might like to pass on to him just to try and kick-start him again;

‘Phoney Tony is all baloney’ and ‘Phoney Tony’s just a show-pony’. Pretty good aye?

What Wayne really needs is a new disaster to tackle. Tell him to keep his chin up because I see the economists think there could be another GFC and he seems to be quite good at those.

It was genius how you fiddled the figures to get out of the RSPT stuff-up and claim Wayne was only losing one point five bill from his budget. Who cares though whether you compare apples with apples or apples with lemons. All I can say it was a good job the RSPT was all Kevin’s idea and you just loyally supported him even though you always knew it was a piece of poo.

We’re delighted that Wayne will still be in budget surplus by 2013 – I’m taking it for granted you’ll give the Mad Monk a real touch-up at the election – although if he doesn’t get his finger out he could be in the surplus category well before then.

East Timor must have gone into shock when you announced all the asylum seeker boats would be arriving there rather than at Christmas Island. Now there’s a job for Kevin. Send him over to Dili to explain the whole thing to the East Timorese. After six months they’ll agree to anything just to get rid of him.

I know you’ll find all this so helpful. Do let us know if there’s anything you’d particularly like our advice on won’t you?

Go Gillard’s Girls

Gaelene Woo
President

As Australia struggles to properly deal with and solve the asylum seekers, people smugglers, Friday Mash thought it best to turn it all on its head.

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<a href="http://www.fridaymash.com"><img src="http://www.fridaymash.com/wp-content/gallery/cartoons/endeavour-and-chistmas-island.jpg" alt="Australian Immigration Cartoon Political Humour" width="500" border="0" /></a><br /> <font size=”1″ face=”Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif”><a href="http://www.fridaymash.com">Political Satire</a> by Friday Mash</font>

A Familiar Cry
It wasn’t surprising that Kevin wept during his farewell speech. His speeches have always had that sort of effect on people.

Missing Their Mark
Stand by for Wayne, Craig Emerson and Anthony Albanese to claim that Tony Abbott is the new Kevin Rudd.

Swimming in Oil
Following predictions that the oil spill could reach New York Harbour by Christmas some enterprising companies have already applied for licences to drill for sea water in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Second Fleet
Following a particularly harsh budget in the UK, Aussie immigration authorities are expecting a huge influx of pommie asylum seekers at Christmas Island.

Gough Ripped Off
Hopefully Orlando Bloom will never be involved in a dissolution which could cause him to be called Kerr’s Cur.

Target Practice
The reason Kevin was excluded from the cabinet in the short-term is that it will take time to build a bullet-proof cubicle for him in the cabinet room.

Lifesaving Movement
The realisation that Wayne could be a heartbeat away from The Lodge has prompted frantic pleas to Environment Minister Peter Garrett to declare Julia a protected species.

Just One of Those Days
Julia said ‘some days I will delight you and some days I will disappoint you’. She was obviously talking to Kevin at the time.

Heaven Can Wait
Julia is a childless atheist living with a partner. No matter how many miracles she works sainthood looks an unlikely prospect.

This is a Friday Mash community service announcement designed to help people considering a career in people smuggling.

The business is booming because it provides a unique service for people wishing to travel incognito internationally without a passport like terrorists, asylum seekers and ex-NSW Government ministers.

But aspiring people smugglers must be rigorous in there career assessment protocols. They have to weigh carefully the chances of making a fortune against the awful prospect of being labelled a criminal or the even greater threat to the profession posed by Tony Abbott becoming prime minister.

People smuggling is without question a sound business model. Asylum seekers pay around ten times the Qantas rate for the trip from the Middle East to Australia, there’s no need to pay any attention to passenger complaints and no fare refunds even if passengers end up in a prison, the wrong country or the sea.

Complaints about accommodation standards on Christmas Island are handled by the Australian Government.

The longer-term future for people smuggling is guaranteed by people like Ahmadinejad, the Taliban and the Sri Lankan Government who somehow managed to make life even under Kevin seem an attractive prospect.

The Australian Labor Government seems somewhat ambivalent about people smugglers. On the one hand they deem them a lower form of life than mining magnates but on the other are rebuilding asylum seeker detention centres all over the country through a new stimulus package and have cancelled John Howard’s No Work Choices policy for people smugglers which was considered so inhumane.

Some political analysts believe the government actually wants the people smuggling networks kept in place in the hope they can create an asylum seeker reverse flow. They will need to provide people smugglers however with superior people smuggling boats capable of making a return trip to Indonesia.

Careers in people smuggling could get a huge boost through supporting Tony Burke the Population Minister. Tony is likely to be charged with increasing Australia’s population from twenty-two million to thirty-five million buy 2050. The gay community wont be much help and heterosexual intercourse wont take up all the slack.

That’s where people smugglers could come in.

If they delivered 6250 asylum seekres a week for the next forty years all Tony’s worries would be over. This would merely require a huge expansion in Christmas Island accommodation and chartering the Queen Mary for two or three return trips between there and Indonesia each week.

It should be kept in mind that a people smuggling career demands relocation abroad for Australians, so as to minimise the chances of going to prison. This seems so unfair given the rich cultural diversity people smugglers bring to the country, to say nothing of their humanitarian contribution to the cause of asylum seekers and their outstanding contribution potentially to the Green Party’s open door immigration policy.

Let’s not pretend that people smugglers are perceived to have the professional integrity of judges or heart surgeons. Indeed they are reviled in some quarters for facilitating asylum seeker queue jumping and Qantas is ropable about the loss of so much international business. Sources believe their plan to fight back by introducing passport-free flights is doomed to fail.

But a career in people smuggling can certainly claim the moral high ground against professions which have largely facilitated its creation like politics and the church.

Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to land on a wall at the location of a recent meeting between prominent people smugglers in Indonesia. He has just sent in this exclusive report.

‘It’s an absolute outrage’ said Kris ‘Tony Abbott’s new policy could put us out of business’

‘I know’ said Gus ‘what’s more it’s inhumane. He’s proposing to send our boats back here when most of them are scarcely seaworthy enough to make it to Christmas Island let alone make a return trip’

‘The Australian Government is a joke’ said Andi ‘We can’t afford to send the asylum seekers in decent boats because they conviscate them all. If they allowed us to do return trips we could afford to use boats with passenger lounges and put on a catering service’

‘It’s difficult to understand their mindset’ said Gus ‘they have this population expansion policy so they need immigrants but we get dumped on for making it happen’

‘Well’ said Kris ‘I hope they understand they’re in danger of losing their status as the world’s number one asylum seeker destination. It’s almost as difficult working with Rudd as it would be with Abbott’

‘We’ll have to think about sailing to a different asylum’ said Andi

‘How about New Zealand?’

‘Good heavens’ said Andi ‘I know we can be pretty ruthless bastards but we’re not that bad’

‘If only the Australian Government would get out of the way said Kris ‘we’ve got enough punters in the supply line to repopulate Darwin’

‘It’s ironic’ said Gus ‘that the Aussies are going on about the wonderful cultural diversity asylum seekers bring to the joint yet they’re sending the Federal Police over here to hunt us down like we’re criminals’

‘I can’t believe it’ said Andi ‘you would think we’d be in line for a United Nations humanitarian award for all the great work we do helping persecuted people find a sanctuary. I must say there are days when I feel quite humanitarian’

‘And the Aussies criticise us for charging the asylum seekers too much’ said Gus ‘ Do they think we are running a bloody benevolent society?’

‘Is there any chance Abbott will get elected?’ asked Kris

‘There’s a chance’ said Andi ‘so we’ve got to get some contingency plans together because we might go back to the inhumane days of that ghastly John Howard. How about if we start a selection process and only accept genuine refugees?’

‘’That wouldn’t impress Abbott’ said Kris ‘he doesn’t believe there is such a thing as genuine refugees. I’m thinking of using a submarine which only surfaces when it gets to Christmas Island’

‘The problem is’ said Gus ‘that the bastard Aussies would conviscate it just like any planes we sent over. All we would be doing is restocking their navy and air force for nothing’

‘Let’s buy the Tampa’ said Kris

‘Don’t be stupid’ said Gus ‘that would be a sure way to get Abbott elected’

‘I’ve got it’ said Andi ‘let’s offer to pay the Aussie Government a super profits tax’

‘Don’t be ridiculous’ said Gus ‘not even the mining companies can afford to pay that’

Canberra Report by Dick Head

Elections Can Be Harmful to Your Health

There are already signs of mental stress right across the Australian community as the realisation takes hold that no matter how you vote at the upcoming federal election it will result in either Kevin Rudd or Tony Abbott becoming prime minister.

And as if that awful reality is not enough it will be preceded by an excruciatingly mind-numbing election campaign lasting six weeks.

Mental health experts are extremely concerned about the potential of this sudden barrage of political bullshit and badinage to cause people to go absolutely barking.

In order to lessen the impact they recommend a pre-conditioning treatment which consists of listening to recordings of Kevin and Barnaby Joyce trying to explain the super profits tax. Anyone surviving just one week of this treatment is guaranteed immunity from election insanity.

Further they recommend that the public should look on the bright side and take heart from the fact this election holds no prospect of Malcolm Turnbull, Wayne Swan, Bob Brown, Julie Bishop, Penny Wong or Peter Garrett becoming prime minister.

Julia’s prospects depend on the relative job performance of Kevin as prime minister and Barry Hall as full forward for the Western Bulldogs. As Barry is clearly outperforming Kevin at the moment she seems much more likely to get the PM gig than spearhead the Dogs.

The electorate should be mindful of the dangers of using election promises as the basis for their vote. They have as much validity as a Pom opener promising to make a century before he goes out to bat in an Ashes Test.

Kevin’s track record of delivering on election promises is conservatively appalling. He may be too embarrassed to make any at the next election. Nevertheless voters should be aware of his propensity for promises like Christmas Island land rights for asylum seekers and green jobs for miners made redundant by the super profits tax.

A promise by Tony to get rid of Kevin however could be his most powerful electoral asset.

The likelihood that he will promise to use pedal power on a new budget cycle when he’s in the saddle could cause voters merely to view him as a saddle-sore pain in the arse.

Undoubtedly one of the key objectives of the next election will be to prevent a group of strange green senators from Tasmania causing legislative pollution in the federal parliament.

It’s a scandal that there is no provision in Kevin’s hospitals plan for special centres to treat mental illness caused by election campaigns. Reading this column is still the only accredited treatment.

Have you seen a Kristina?
Political commentators believe that the only chance the NSW Labor Government has of winning the Penrith by-election is a daily striptease by Kristina in the town centre.

So far voters are shattered that Kristina is going nowhere near the place and they’re getting a daily dose of Barry O’Farrell instead, thankfully with his clothes on.

In a wonderful humanitarian gesture the Liberal Party is preparing to offer free psychiatric treatment to anyone intending to vote Labor.

Dick Head is almost fully recovered from the last federal election.

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

24th April 2010

Dear Mr. President,

The Obama Fan Club wanted me to tell you how thrilled we all are about your successes in healthcare and nuclear disarmament. We passed a resolution at Tuesday’s meeting congratulating you on meeting our expectations. We’ll send you a copy of the minutes for framing.

A motion by some misguided loon that we should change our name to the Rudd Fan Club was defeated 23-1. We love Kevin but he’s not in your class.

It was the unanimous view of Club members that the World Affairs Think Tank should address the asylum seeker crisis in Australia because its such a worry. I knew you’d be interested and I’ll send our conclusions to Kevin who doesn’t seem to be any better after spending so much time in hospitals.

As the Think Tank chairperson I warned members against using racist remarks or making racist accusations during the session. That was my job.

Madge got us going with a particularly incisive address. She said it was an absolute disgrace that people smugglers were making so much money out of asylum seekers. If we just sit back and let it happen one day they’ll have enough money to buy a cruise ship big enough to ferry thousands at a time from Indonesia to Christmas Island. Or perhaps they’ll just lease the Oceanic Viking.

Our Mavis’ Bert reckoned Australia should tax the people smugglers to pay for Christmas Island.

Mavis asserted that Kevin was right to hold Sri Lankan and Afghan asylum seekers in detention pending a decision to send them home where all is peace and serenity. Her brother reckons there’s no Tea Parties in Sri Lanka and her nephew is in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban and hasn’t been shot or anything.

Eunice believed that asylum seekers suffer from the delusion that Australia is a sort of paradise or a Kevin07 heaven.

Mildred said she couldn’t cope with the current level of multiculturalism let alone making it more complicated. She’s still trying to understand Aboriginal reconciliation and always gets wind from Chinese food.

Marj thought the asylum seeker detention centres are ghastly places just like the motel her uncle runs in Albury.

Elsie said we should stop all immigration immediately. They bring in more carbon footprints, need extra hospital beds which Kevin can’t afford and goodness knows how many extra COLAs their kids will need at a million bucks a throw.

Neville said he was disappointed that Kevin’s new policy had failed to attract boatloads of hot sheilas to seek asylum here.

I summed up by saying that first we need to tackle the people smugglers issue. We should only accept asylum seekers brought in by Aussie people smugglers because we could trust them.

Then we should concentrate on giving priority to asylum seekers who are good looking, potential Eels supporters and Labor voters. They’d have no problems integrating round here.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo,
President

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

16th April 2010

Dear Mr President,

I’m not even going to talk about the Eels.  Fancy losing at home to Canberra.  Neville had to take a day off on Tuesday suffering hypertension surplus syndrome.

As you know Julia’s such a lovely woman and you know me, I don’t like to criticise, but I can’t help feeling her BER’s another big stuff-up.

I think she means well but she’s a bit headstrong if you know what I mean.  She’s minister for everything and then she comes up with Building the Education Revolution which is miraculously going to save Australia from the global financial crisis and save our kids from schools built by pommie convicts.

For months Julia’s been saying that the BER is the biggest thing since Malcolm’s ego and how dare the media criticise it because she’s taken the trouble to tell them that it has saved hundreds of thousands of jobs and saved our kids from illiteracy and uncovered outdoor learning areas and who cares about one or two little rip-offs because that’s life and her auditors will be on to them.

Suddenly things have changed.  The whiff of rorting has become a real stink.  Apparently everyone’s been getting in for their chop especially the state governments.  It seems rorting the BER has become bigger than rorting the home insulation scheme.  And most of the school buildings which cost squillions look like they’ve been nailed together by Neville after he came home pissed one night.

So about a year too late Julia’s set up an Inquiry because her rigorous auditing system has either been rorted or needs auditing.  The Inquiry’s costing fourteen million.  Can you believe that?  I could have told Julia what’s wrong for the cost of a gin and tonic, a Chinese takeaway and a lager.

I think in future Kevin should apologise and set up an Inquiry in advance of doing anything.  Now would probably be the right time for his hospitals plan.

Kevin’s developed a great strategy to keep asylum seekers in detention centres rather than letting them into the country.  As I said to Marge the other day I’m sure this is the start of a plan to build up the Tamil Tiger population on Christmas Island before giving it to them as their homeland.  The place is becoming far too expensive for us to keep running it.

The World Affairs Think Tank met on Tuesday to discuss the Fiji situation again.  We’ve all got holidays booked there this year and Frank Bainimarama’s going raving mad again and censoring the press.

We decided we’d still go because we’ve paid the deposits and don’t like Bali.  But we’ve written to Frank requesting a chat to tell him that if he doesn’t get off the kava and do something sensible we’re going to Vanuatu next year and he can stick his Fiji Bitter up his cyclone alley.

As I said to Neville this is the sort of desperate mindset a country can get into when it realises its only friend is New Zealand.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Unconscious Decisions

Doctor’s are delighted that Kevin and Nicola Roxon have become such frequent visitors to hospitals. They have recognised them as the clinically preferred way of sending patients into an induced coma.

Once Bitten

The Apple Isle has appeal on the outside, is quite sweet on the inside but its politics are enough to give you the pip.

Waste Measurement

Responding to criticism that his asylum seeker policy is all at sea, his ETS policy has gone cold, his BER programme has failed the test, his home insulation scheme has burnt out and his hospitals scheme is the wrong medicine, Kevin challenged Tony Abbott to come up with policies which are a better waste of money.

Conservation Consternation

The Greens in Tasmania have taken steps to ensure the Bartlett doesn’t become extinct. Even environmentalists are puzzled as to why they would want to preserve this devious creature as a premier species.

A People Person

Tony Burke has become Australia’s first Population Minister. He will be spending most of his time counting arrivals at maternity wards and Christmas Island. Population growth is simply a matter of course, the people smugglers’ course and intercourse.

Severe Weather Warning

Scientists believe the next global warming disaster will be the re-emergence of Penny Wong with a new ETS.

Afghans Hounded

In a brilliant pre-emptive move Kevin has thwarted the Taliban plan to take over Afghanistan by forcing the rest of the population to migrate to Australia.

Working Themselves to a Standstill

Responding to the news that motorists had been abandoned for up to ten hours in the F3 Motorway traffic foul-up, the NSW Government said it wasn’t their responsibility because you can’t expect the premier or the transport minister to be responsible, the incident proved their theory that by reducing traffic speeds to 1km per hour you improved road safety, their counter-flow system worked brilliantly when it was introduced eight hours after the accident and get stuffed and go by train next time.

A Suitable Case for Treatment
Following Obama’s visit to Afghanistan there’s no word yet on whether the Taliban have agreed to adopt his healthcare plan.

Not Holy Satisfactory
It is fascinating that Tony, who is at least the equal of Kevin in god-bothering, is never photographed outside a catholic church. Perhaps its just that no-one is willing to be photographed outside a catholic church these days except the police.

Drought Relief
Obama walks on water, Tony swims in it and Kevin passes it.

Very New Testament
On Q&A this week Tony expressed the view that we should treat asylum seekers as Jesus would have done but perhaps without the emphasis on going forth and multiplying.

See You Later Navigator
It is reported that the first communication from the crew of the Chinese ship which crashed into the Barrier Reef was ‘Is this Christmas Island?’

Frequent Cyclist
Tony Abbott’s objective on the 9 day Pollie Pedal between Melbourne and Sydney is to try and beat Jetstar’s slowest ever time for the trip.

Not Out of the Woods Yet
The Pope reportedly has no plans to consult Tiger Woods about sex addiction treatment for priests.

Going Round in Ever Increasing Circles
The true meaning of Building the Education Revolution is making the schools stimulus money go round to more people.

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

1st April 2010

Dear Mr President,

Last week when I was in Canberra I popped into the US Embassy and introduced myself to Jeff Bleich your ambassador. Such a lovely man.

Would you believe he invited Neville and me to have afternoon tea with you and Michelle during your visit in June. I’m so thrilled I think I’ll burst. Jeff asked me to talk to you about the world’s first Obama Fan Club because he thinks its an absolutely brilliant concept.

I just can’t make my mind up about all the asylum seekers who are sailing across here from Indonesia. You have to be sorry for them but I can’t help feeling that one day we’ll be overrun. All it will take is the population of Afghanistan to decide they’ve had enough of the joint and hire a few cruise ships to take them to Australia. Can you imagine Kevin trying to pick the Taliban out of that lot?

I understand why the Afghans would want to live in a country run by Kevin rather than that Karzai chap but they don’t know a thing about rugby league or cricket. And I hope someone at Christmas Island warns them about Wilson Tuckey, the Eels’ disappointing start to the season, Alan Jones, Tony’s beachwear, Barnaby Joyce and the home insulation scheme.

People smuggling is such a profitable business that Neville’s thinking of getting into it. He’s got a genius plan. He’s going to buy old Sydney ferries when Kristina flogs them off. Then he’ll fill them up with asylum seekers in Indonesia, charge ten thousand bucks a head, sail into Sydney Harbour and unload them at Circular Quay. No-one will take a blind bit of notice because they’ll think it’s the Manly Ferry.

The World Affairs Think Tank sprang back into action this week by coming up with advice for you on how to handle the Chinese. I know how difficult it can be..

First you’ve got to understand who you’re talking to because what with Stern Hu and President Hu sometimes its difficult to know who’s Hu.

Then you could play pingpong or mah-jong in Hong Kong or Haiphong or dingdong over Falun Gong or Mao Zedong right or wrong or who flung dong at Penny Wong or some nong in a thong going for a song on a chaise longue in Guangdong.

Sorry, we couldn’t think of anything serious and we just got carried away.

Whatever you do don’t get Kevin to speak to the Chinese on your behalf. Ever since he started talking to them in Chinese they’ve gone right off him. He must speak Uighur with a Tibetan accent.

Oh by the way if you’ve panicked at the thought of having tea with me at the Embassy – APRIL FOOL. Ha ha, caught you that time.

Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President

Street Wear
When he’s out promoting school hall building programmes Kevin wears a hard hat and he wears surgeon’s gear when he’s talking up his hospitals plan. What on earth will he wear to announce his policy for brothels?

Swearing Out Ceremony
There is a move in California to legislate against foul language. This is indicative that the State Treasury is only slightly more bankrupt than Californian English.

Blocker
The Labor Government wheeled out Stephen Conroy, Jennie Macklin, Penny Wong, Lindsay Tanner and Nicola Roxon for a media conference to moan about Tony Abbott blocking things. These are the architects of the disastrous Telstra plan, the laughable Aboriginal Housing Scheme, the ETS, the debt and deficit and the half-baked hospitals plan. Keep up the good work Tony.

Welcome to the Asylum
News that Yudhoyono is going to arrest people smugglers opens up the prospect of a real earner for the federal government. They could offer asylum seekers a cruise from Indonesia to Christmas Island on the Oceanic Viking for only five thousand dollars. This is less than the people smugglers charge, would earn unstinted praise from Amnesty International and could encourage Hyatt Hotels to build a decent pad on Christmas Island.

Travelling by Tube
It was disappointing to hear that Lara’s engagement ring had gone down the toilet especially, as now seems likely, she was wearing it at the time.

Unsuitable Treatment
It turned really frosty in Sydney when Kevin dropped in to talk to Kristina about hospitals. This was obviously another disastrous effect of climate change.

Non-Stop Motoring
Experts advise that you should only engage cruise control on Toyota vehicles if you’re low on petrol and on a long trip down a straight motorway.

Obama Drama
It looks like Obama wont be coming to Australia until his healthcare bill has been passed. He’s blaming Tony Abbott for blocking it in the Senate.

Source: Sun Hearld

The cricket world reacted with mixed feelings to the news that John Howard will become president of the International Cricket Council.

Friday Mash believes his experience and skills are just what is needed to resolve the searching problems currently faced by the cricketing world.

For example he will obviously rule that the Sri Lankan team must travel to Australia via Christmas Island and anyone bowling off-spin with a bent arm will be refused asylum to tour.

It is very encouraging to note that Afghanistan has a cricket team. This will present John with two major challenges, persuading another country to play them at home and responding to their request to allow Shaun Tait to make guest appearances. They’ve heard he bowls Improvised Explosive Devices.

John faces huge problems arising from terrorist threats against teams playing away in certain countries. Experts on the rules of cricket are uncertain whether a result, in matches where the Taliban stops play, can be achieved through using the Duckworth-Lewis method.

Cricket fans fear things could get so bad that international cricket will only be played at Lords and the Sydney Cricket Ground. Both these are absolutely secure because no terrorist would ever be accepted as a member of the MCC or the SCG.

A player in the Australian team has apparently met with a bingle and thanks to Brendon Fevola we now have the bare facts of the matter. John should be concerned that such is the reputation of the Australian team for sledging they will soon start training for the next Winter Olympics.

Robert Mugabe seems intent on devaluing Zimbabwean cricket as much as he’s devalued the currency. John should be aware of his propensity for spending ICC grants on building pavilions in Europe. Robert retains an avid interest in sport and in particular is a strong All Black supporter.

John will be particularly concerned that England seem to suffer constant droughts in their cricket talent pool yet this does not stop them frequently going to water.

South Africa poses a gate-money problem. When President Zuma brings all his wives, children and girlfriends to matches on complimentaries there isn’t any room for paying customers.

The Bangladesh team is still not challenging anyone. John should present them with the Peter Costello award.

A Pakistani player was recently suspended for biting a cricket ball during a match. John will probably face calls for flavoured cricket balls because it turned out to be a spinner checking whether the ball was suitable for a tea-break.

The West Indies team have recently been on strike. John will immediately perceive an opportunity to bring back Work Choices.

The Australian team is very disappointed that India has overtaken them as the worst-behaved team in international cricket. Suspension and fines appear to have no effect. John plans to introduce a new sanction against recalcitrant players. They will be sentenced to face Shaun Tait on a seaming wicket without a box. That should bring more tears to their eyes than a vindaloo.

Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen
Kevin took 114 delegates to the Copenhagen Conference. Friday Mash can now confirm there were no fatalities on this mission and all have returned safely. Some delegates however reportedly suffered hypothermia, a couple had mental breakdowns trying to make sense of it all and one was rescued from a snowdrift by a great dane.

The Greatest Moral Challenge of our Time
Tony Abbott is keen that his Emissions Reduction Fund should retain its virginity as long as possible and is determined to stop Kevin stuffing it.

Thanks a Trillion
A White House spokesman has confirmed that Obama wont be bringing the US debt to Australia. China owns such a large part of of it they insist he leaves it there for safe keeping while he’s overseas.

Unseasonal Greetings
Despite rumours that he is planning to seek asylum in Australia immigration authorities will not insist Obama travels here from Indonesia via Christmas Island. On the other hand there is still a widespread view that his first coming in Australia should be at Christmas.

A Case of Whether
The good news for Australia on climate change is that NZ now has an ETS up and running. Obviously the sensible thing for Kevin to do is check whether it has any effect on global warming before trying to launch one here.

Tally Ban
Following an extensive research study the Taliban will not be fielding any candidates in the NSW State Election in 2011. Surprisingly the study showed they were even less popular than the current Labor Government.

Floored
Consistent with Kevin’s beneficence in providing jobs for opposition members it is expected that after Malcolm crosses the floor to vote for the ETS he will be offered the job of cleaning it.

Rejoyce
It is difficult to understand why Wayne Swan and Lindsay Tanner are so critical of Barnaby Joyce. He’s helping the Labor Government immeasurably more than they are.

Cruise ships have started calling at Christmas Island. This provides an exciting opportunity for real progress on the asylum seeker issue. People smugglers are already reported to be in negotiation with a cruise ship company with a view to delivering two thousand asylum seekers at a time.
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Gitmo detainees are shortly to fly to new digs in Illinois. Hopefully pre-flight security screening will be more thorough than for Northwest flights out of Amsterdam.
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Climate change scientists briefing politicians in China, Brazil, India, Russia and South Africa obviously have a different perspective on global warming than the ones briefing Kevin, Obama and Al Gore. It must be nice to get a convenient truth for a change.
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President Zuma has just married a third wife and has a fourth in his sights. There is no information on how many husbands they have.
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The UK parliamentary expenses scandal will result in a record number of new MPs being elected there in March. Commentators are confident that expenses rorts will not recur for at least six years because that’s how long on average it takes an MP to learn to do them properly.
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The local drug barons will be invited to attend the next Climate Change Conference in Mexico City. They will deliver a paper on how their products cause people round the world to stop emiting carbon altogether.
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China has officially blamed global warming for the heavy snowfalls around Beijing. It’s only a matter of time before the record lows across the Northern Hemisphere are also blamed on global warming and climate scientists discover that the polar ice-caps are responsible for soaring temperatures in Madagascar.
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Two questions on climate change policy for Kevin and Penny.

If people on low incomes get refunds well in excess of their increased energy charges caused by the ETS wont this encourage them to use more electricity rather than less?

Why is Australia contributing billions of dollars to help small developing countries reduce their carbon emissions when according to UN data they are only emitting a piddling percentage of the world’s total output?

Public servants working for Kevin say the most enjoyable part of their job is booking a limousine to take him to the airport.
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Who has the most regret; McCain for choosing Sarah Palin, the Republican Party for choosing McCain, the US for choosing Obama or Obama for choosing Biden?
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Climate change speak.  Temperatures above 30 degrees are due to global warming, temperatures below 20 degrees are due to phenomena which climate change scientists do not yet understand.
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The next time the Oceanic Viking rescues asylum seekers in Indonesian waters where will it take them?  Christmas Island?  No way.  Indonesia?  Out of the question.  Come back Nauru all is forgiven.
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Which of the support staff recently appointed to restore Nathan Rees’ sagging fortunes is most responsible for his bold new moves?  The one with the arm up his back.
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Yudhoyono’s visit to Australia has been postponed till February but it will still depend on whether they can get the Oceanic Viking ready in time.
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Al Gore has risen to become the world’s number one TV weatherman specialising in global climate forecasts.

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If the Australian Government provides as many houses for asylum seekers as for aborigines some of them could be living on the OceanicViking permanently.
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