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Democracy’s not for Democrats - Friday, May 14th, 2010

Story No. 31

‘Now then Barney’ said George ‘I need your advice on my Inauguration Speech. I was thinking about a triumphal address with the theme ‘bury Kerry and downwards with Edwards’

‘Come on George’ I said ‘this is no time to be vindictive. It calls for magnanimity in victory. Kerry and Edwards may be the biggest non-event since the Bay of Pigs but this is a time of healing to proclaim a presidency which will not only unite the peoples of America but of the whole world’

‘Good heavens’ said George ‘where on earth did you get that bullshit from? You must have been watching old Ronald Reagan B movies’

‘No George’ I said ‘it was part of my acceptance address when I was elected Chief Barker at the Top Dog Congress last year. Of course I was talking about dogs but I believe there’s no reason why people can’t also come together in a civilized way’

‘Don’t get me wrong here Barney’ said George ‘I’m talking about a speech which reinforces my reputation as leader of the free world’

‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but it’s a question of whether you want to come across as just having won the Denver dwarf-throwing final or the US Presidency’

‘I see what you mean’ said George ‘reconciliator rather than terminator’

‘Right on George’ I said ‘your theme should be leading the world to a new era of freedom and democracy’

‘I like it’ said George ‘no people will live under the yoke of tyranny while I’m in office’

‘Except’ I said ‘Al Qaeda, the Washington Press Gallery, the Clintons, North Korea, Iran, Al Gore, the Taliban, left wing loonies in Hollywood, Michael Moore and Don Rumsfeld’

‘Why Don Rumsfeld?’ Asked George

‘Because he’s too dangerous to allow out on his own’ I responded ‘and what’s more he’s a racist. I heard him tell someone that he didn’t like Scottish Terriers’

‘I shall reassure everyone who has lost their freedom’ said George ‘that I shall not rest until their democratic rights are restored’

‘What about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?’ I asked

‘Oh they’re different’ said George ‘they’re not people they’re terrorists’

‘Osama bin Laden and Nancy Pelosi don’t agree’ I said ‘and what about all those guys renditioned by the CIA to covert overseas arm-twisting centres?’

‘Well only because that sort of thing isn’t allowed in the US’ said George ‘You’re not on their side are you?’

‘No George’ I said ‘it’s just that when I see Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz together sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re on the side of the good guys’

‘Ok’ said George ‘so my Inauguration Speech will be about freedom and democracy for ninety-nine percent of people’

‘Ninety-eight point eight’ I said ‘I forgot that the Chicago Democrats are a terrorist organisation’

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Codename Terrier - Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Story No: 23

‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I need your help’

I sniffed trouble. It was something in George’s tone.

‘Dick and Don’ he said ‘are pressuring me to invade the tribal areas in Pakistan to touch up the Taliban and find OBL. But my plan is to use drones to pinpoint key Taliban targets and bribe the Pakistanis to do the deep down and dirty stuff on the ground’

‘Brilliant thinking George’ I said. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were obviously up to their old tricks.

‘Now I’ve got a strategic planning meeting with them tomorrow afternoon at the White House’ continued George ‘and I want you to be ready to take a call from the meeting. Here’s the tricky bit. My cunning plan is for you to pretend to be a CIA agent on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border who can give an expert on-the-spot strategic military assessment to support my point of view’

‘That’s a bit of a challenge George’ I said ‘I’ll have to bone up on a few things before you call’

‘One or two other points’ said George ‘I’ll address you by your codename which is Terrier. Pretty funny huh? Oh and by the way you’ll have to address me as Mr President for a change’

The next afternoon at 3.30 the dog and bone rang in my kennel

‘This is Terrier’ I said

‘Hi Terrier’ said George ‘This is the President speaking. I’m here with the vice-President and the Secretary of Defence and you’re on the loudspeaker. What’s the current situation on the border there?’

‘Swarming with Taliban Mr President’ I responded ‘it’s just like passing out day at West Point’

‘Dick Cheney here Terrier’ said Dick ‘are the Taliban well armed?’

I had to smile. I could hardly resist the temptation to tell him he was talking to me. He would absolutely crap himself.

‘They’re armed and dangerous’ I said ‘They all look like Sylvester Stallone in
Rocky II’

‘Great film’ said George

‘Are you in disguise Terrier?’ asked Dick ‘Oh I get it. You’re disguised as a dog’. He was painful when he tried to be funny.

‘That’s right’ I said ‘it helps me keep my nose close to the ground’

‘That’s very funny Ba…Terrier’ said George

‘What’s the terrain like there?’ asked Don

‘Very steep and rocky’ I replied ‘Ok for guerrilla warfare but unsuitable for large troop movements’

I could tell he was impressed by my military analysis.

‘Are you in danger there?’ asked Dick

‘I’m used to it’ I said ‘The Taliban think I’m a Pakistani agent sent by Ahmadinejad to convince them that 9/11 never happened’

‘When is the best time to invade the tribal areas?’ asked Don

‘Well not during a test match’ I said ‘especially if its against India and Pakistan are winning. That would really piss them off. And not during the Afghan Hound Show Week. Militarily speaking I’d recommend you use drones to destroy key Taliban targets pinpointed by me and bribe the Pakistanis to do the heavy stuff on the ground’

‘Very interesting’ said Dick ‘that’s the President’s view. You haven’t been swapping notes with him have you?’

‘Never had the honour of meeting him’ I lied ‘but you know what they say about great minds’

‘Thank you Terrier’ said George ‘stay safe. You’ve been very helpful’

An hour later I met George on the White House lawn.

‘Mission accomplished Terrier’ he said.

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State of the Union preparation - Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Story No: 22

‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’

If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.

‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’

‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’

‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’

‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’

‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.

‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’

‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.

‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’

‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?

‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’

‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George

‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’

‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’

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High-powered international diplomacy - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Story No: 21

George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.

‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’

George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.

Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s

‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’

I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’

‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’

‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’

The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.

‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’

‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.

‘Is that all?’ asked George

‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’

‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George

‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’

‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’

‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’

‘There can’t be more’ said George

‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’

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Dick Cheney shoots, George W thinks of God - Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Story No: 11

‘Hey Barney’ said George ‘Dick Cheney’s invited me to go quail shooting with him’

‘Oh Lord’ I thought. Dick was renowned as the worst shot since the Keystone Cops.

‘You’re not going are you?’ I asked anxiously

‘Well I thought I might’ said George ‘It would be a pleasant weekend out in the country’

‘George’ I said ‘you’d be safer on the frontline in Baghdad.  Dick’s so hopeless with a gun he’s going to shoot somebody one day and it could be you’


‘Come on Barney’ he said ‘Dick’s not going to shoot the US President’

‘Well it would be a unique situation’ I agreed ‘the vice-president shooting the president.  But I just have this feeling that one day Dick’s going to take a shot at the presidency’

‘I’ll be quite safe’ said George

‘Not as safe as the quails’ I said ‘but that raises an interesting point.  If you got knocked off or incapacitated and Dick, heaven help us, was running the country, shouldn’t special arrangements be in place to enable him and the country to continue benefiting from my unique insight?  I just can’t see Dick working directly in harmony with a talking dog.  The only use he has for dogs is to have then standing around in case the impossible happens and he bags a quail’

‘Good point Barney’ said George ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  Tell you what.  I’ll set you up with a computer and you could communicate with Dick through emails’

‘I hope it’s got a paws button’ I said

‘Very funny’ said George ‘We would have to give you an impressive online codename’

‘Ok’ I said ‘how about God?’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘that’s a bit pretentious isn’t it?’

‘No way’ I said ‘God is dog backwards.  Dogs represent the ultimate authority in reverse’

‘Fascinating ‘ said George ‘but I would prefer you adopted a codename like Santa Lucia.  That would stand for Senior Advisor Nato Transatlantic Alliance listed under CIA’

‘I think I’ll stick to God if you don’t mind’ I said ‘If I could convince Dick he was the first US President who’d ever got a direct line to God he’d certainly take notice. Of course I’d have to turn down all requests for a face to face meeting’

‘I’ll get a secretary lined up for you’ said George

‘How about that bitch at the Clinton’s’ I suggested

‘’Can she type?’ asked George

‘Who the hell cares?’ I said

‘Tell you what’ said George ‘I’ll fix it so you can phone the stuff though to one of my secretaries.  She wont know who you are and it will save you sending it through on dog-eared notepaper’

‘Very funny’ I said ‘I hope the system is never activated but if the worst happens you can rest assured the country is in God’s hands.  And by the way if you go shooting with Dick don’t forget to go equipped with full body armour, a mobile surgery, a top medical team, a missile shield and make sure you’re totally surrounded 24/7 by secret service agents prepared to sacrifice their lives for you and ……………

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A Government Grant - Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

Yet again the brilliant investigative team at Friday Mash has scooped the competition in uncovering the real story behind Utegate. These sensational revelations come from an unimpeachable source on the inside codenamed Low Larynx.

The first major breakthrough came when he told us John Grant’s dealership wasn’t KIA but CIA. They specialise in terrorist vehicles which have been renditioned.

Then came the startling news that for years Godwin Grech has been a sleeper agent working for the NZ Temperance League. His real name is Fred Jones but he changed it to keep a low profile.

Godwin or Fred is a mate of Malcolm’s and was the Treasury official appointed by Wayne to oversee the Ozcar stimulus package for car dealers.

A few weeks ago the NZ Temperance League suddenly changed Godwin or Fred’s operational status to active because they had discovered a dastardly plot. The US was conniving with Kevin through the CIA dealership to spirit the remaining Guantanamo Bay inmates into NZ after the immigration service there had knocked off for the weekend.

While the League were encouraged by the prospect of so many potential new members they were aghast at the possibility of becoming a terrorist organisation.

Kevin agreed to become a party to the plot because he’s mates with Obama and he’s really pee-ed off with the Kiwis for still bleating about underarm bowling. What’s more he agreed to pay for it out of the Ozcar fund because the CIA dealership lent him a ute equipped with a chicken sandwich maker and a hair dryer.

Kevin instructed Godwin or Fred to cough up Ozcar dollars to the CIA dealership and told Wayne to phone, email and fax John Grant as much as possible so that if the plot leaked out Wayne would be in deeper than himself.

Godwin or Fred’s mission for the NZ Temperance League, which he accepted, was to stop funds getting to the CIA at all costs. In one blinding flash of sublime inspiration he saw how this could be accomplished. All he had to do was tell Malcolm and within ten minutes the plot would be as confidential as Britney Spears’ navel.

When Kevin found out that Malcolm had found out he called the whole thing off and told Obama to shove his inmates over the wall into Cuba.

The CIA dealership however was not happy. Their grand plot had been months in the planning and they were seething that Malcolm had stuffed it. To pay him back they developed a fiendishly cunning plan.

They decided to send a fake email to Godwin or Fred, purporting to come from Kevin’s office and instructing him to give favoured Ozcar treatment to their dealership. They surmised, correctly as it turned out, that Godwin or Fred, whom they knew to be a ruthless NZ Temperance League agent, would be highly perturbed by this latest Ozcar communication and would immediately hand it to Malcolm as proof of Kevin’s conniving ways.

Malcolm would then accuse poor innocent Kevin in public of all sorts of dreadful misdeeds only to be hit by a devastating counter-attack showing the email to be a fake, calling for Malcolm to be comprehensively, if not terminally, stuffed and for Godwin or Fred to be waterboarded on The 7.30 Report by Kerry O’Brien.

Things went exactly according to plan although Kevin did send Julia to Israel to confirm that the email wasn’t kosher.

Wayne can’t get into his house because it’s stuffed full of faxes from car dealers applying for Ozcar grants, the only grant the CIA dealership has got is John, Godwin or Fred has applied to be put back to sleep, the NZ Temperance League has announced an inquiry at a ladies lemonade luncheon and the NZ immigration service has been ordered to work weekends.

Next week Low Larynx will be coming out after being inside for false pretences.

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