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Posts Tagged ‘Colin Powell’

George has performance issues - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Story No. 19

George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.

‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’

‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’

‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’

‘Wonderful man’ said George

‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’

‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’

‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’

‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’

A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.

‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’

‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said

‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’

‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’

‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’

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Tony Blair Hits Top of Barney’s Shitlist - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Story No. 17

‘Now look, about this Iraq business’ said Tony Blair

He had dropped into George’s ranch at Crawford, Texas for a confidential word  about stuffing Saddam and George and I were accompanying him on a post lunch constitutional round a paddock.

It was a pleasant stroll although we were surrounded by enough security heavies to prevent Boris Yeltsin getting into a vodka festival.  George wanted me around to advise him on the really complex strategic issues and I looked forward to the visit because I knew he kept a couple of bitches down there with the qualities to bring joy even to a dog’s life.

‘Colin Powell is convinced that Saddam has WMDs’ said George ‘and that only confirms what Dick and Don have been saying for sometime’

I’d been telling George for just as long that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were far more dangerous WMDs than anything Saddam could possibly have.

‘What if we don’t find any WMDs?’ asked Tony

‘No chance’ said George ‘but don’t forget that Saddam told the UN to go and get whooped and he’s acting like a cross between Hitler, Frankenstein and Hillary Clinton’

‘We’ve got to tread carefully’ said Tony ‘Find the WMDs then change the regime by getting rid of Saddam, his army and his police force.  We don’t want to be landed with that whole Sunni Shia can of worms’

I quickly ran behind a hedge and shouted ‘What about Al Qaeda?’ I was under strict instructions from George not to open my mouth but my self-control failed me.

‘What on earth was that?’ asked Tony

‘It was one of the security guys’ said George ‘By the way one of my senior advisers reckons we should leave the army and the police force intact.  He believes if we disband them they’ll all join Al Qaeda and the country will descend into chaos’

I was flattered that George had remembered my advice so accurately.

‘Well he’s got that wrong’ said Tony ‘once we’ve sorted out Saddam and his crew the whole country will come to its senses.  That adviser of yours sounds like a real dog’

I’d never liked Tony Blair but now he hit rock bottom on the shitlist.  If I told George once I told him a hundred times never to go to war alongside a socialist.

‘You might just as well get some advice from Barney’ added Tony pissing himself with laughter

Fortunately my self-control reasserted itself and I was able to refrain from urinating down his trousers.

‘Tony do your people believe this war is legal?’ asked George

‘Half do, half don’t’ said Tony ‘you know what lawyers are like.  They tell you what they think will make them the most money’

‘Ok’ said George ‘I’ll send Saddam a note giving him the option of resigning and spending the next ten years in Antarctica growing glaciers with Al Gore or facing high noon at the OK Corral’

‘Right on George’ said Tony ‘we’ll bring peace and democracy to the people of Iraq and an era of hope and prosperity to the whole world’

‘What a load of absolute crap’ I shouted from behind the hedge.

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Iraq is a pet project - Friday, November 6th, 2009

Story No: 6

During the early stages of the wars in Iraq I was beginning to assert myself in the role as senior advisor to George. Unfortunately however when it came to wars he was listening to Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld rather than me. It was a case of two tails wagging the dog.

Colin Powell was a great guy and a real soldier, but in those days when it came to wars he was less of a pit bull and more of a poodle like me.

Karl Rove was almost my equal as a senior advisor but much more dogmatic. He was much more interested in his own wars than George’s.

So when it came to Iraq it was me against Dick and Don and I was incredulous that George preferred their advice to mine. That was like a baseball player choosing to be coached by Hulk Hogan rather than Joe Torre.

So after our brave lads captured Baghdad Dick and Don were jumping up and down about fly-pasts, parades and dog and pony shows galore.

‘So Barney, what’s your opinion?’ asked George.

‘Well George’ I said ‘I don’t want to seem overly dramatic so I’ll put this as logically and dispassionately as I can. You’re in deep shit’.

‘Barney you’ve got to be joking’ said George ‘This will go down as my finest hour’.

‘Let’s face it George’ I said ‘you had your finest hour with that Costa Rican bombshell in college. Today Al Qaeda are pouring into Iraq, the WMDs if they ever existed are in Syria, Saddam Hussein is down a foxhole and the Shi’ite are not going to be happy campers much longer’.

‘But Dick and Don told me it’s all over bar the shouting’ said George.

‘Dick and Don wouldn’t know they’re about to suffer a fiery end even if they had a rocket up their ass’ I said ‘What do Colin and Karl think?’

‘Well it’s true they’re a bit more cautious’ said George. They had obviously told him the war is far from over and he should pull his head in.

‘But Iraq is my pet project’ said George.

‘Wrong George’ I said ‘I am your pet project’.

‘Well Dick thinks I should do something dramatic to build national morale and patriotism like landing on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln in a fixed-wing plane. No president has ever done that’.

‘Don’t tell me’ I said ‘Then you’re going to make a stirring victory speech under a huge banner saying ‘Mission Accomplished’.

‘That’s a brilliant idea Barney’ said George ‘I’ve got to hand it to you. Dick and Don will love it’.

‘George’ I said ‘I was only kidding. Crack a bottle of champers, send a stirring message to the nation but don’t go big-noting yourself on an aircraft carrier about a mission that’s about as accomplished as the Watergate burglary’.

‘Come to think of it’ said George ‘I might consider doing a ticker-tape parade in Baghdad under a banner reading ‘Saviour of Iraq’.

‘Oh Lord’ I thought ‘if that happens Osama bin Laden might start believing in Christmas’.

‘Ok George’ I said ‘you win. Do the mission accomplished thing on the aircraft carrier’.

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The Bush Dogtrine - Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Story No: 4

‘It will be all over in a month’ said George

I groaned inwardly. He’d obviously been talking to Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld again. When it came to invading Iraq they were like rottweilers with two sets of teeth.

I like George. He’s a model dog-owner, always looked after his buddies in Wall St and the oil business and never got too big for his kennel.

But when it came to the presidential stuff he was a bit light on. The problem was that his world ended just west of LA and east of Washington. He’d heard of London and Paris but only in Rocky movies. His qualifications for running a war overseas were about on a par with Paris Hilton’s.

‘George’ I said ‘you might capture Baghdad inside a month but it will take years to de-terrorise Iraq. Instead of invading the place I’d send Dick and Don there on suicide bombing missions.”

‘That’s’ a load of dogwash’ said George

I sighed and resigned myself to having another deep and meaningful with him.

‘I’ve got this pal who’s an Afghan hound’ I said ‘Based on his local knowledge he reckons our troops will be stuck in Afghanistan for years and Iraq would be the same’.

‘Good heavens’ said George ‘whatever should I do?’

‘The time has come George’ I said gravely ‘for you to prove yourself a truly great statesman, to assert that the US will remain the undisputed world superpower ready to stand against threats to our freedom and integrity even by making pre-emptive strikes’.

‘Bravo Barney’ said George, who was visibly moved by my eloquence.

‘And’ I said triumphantly ‘we’ll call that the Bush Dogtrine’.

‘The Bush Dogtrine’ said George ‘What an impressive label for my legacy to America and the world. Does this mean you agree it’s time to clobber Saddam and finish what dad started?’

‘Absolutely not’ I said ‘The Bush Dogtrine is designed to scare the shit out of Saddam not shoot it out of him. If you invade Iraq there will be a backlash against the GOP and Hillary or Barack Obama will be elected president in 2008’

‘What a horrible thought’ said George ‘but the country will never get suckered in by the Clintons a second time and they’ll never believe in a change like Obama. Look Barney I know Colin Powell tends to agree with you but Dick and Don are dead against you’

Well that was reassuring. The idea of being in agreement with Dick and Don was about as attractive as catfood.

‘George’ I said ‘it sorrows me to see you lined up with the coalition of the willing’

‘Coalition of the willing’ said George ‘That’s brilliant Barney. That’s the name I’ll bestow on the multinational force bringing democracy to Iraq’

‘And what are you going to say to the forty-five million people who inhabit that great country?’ I asked

‘You mean Iraq is a country’ gasped George ‘I thought it was an oil company’

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